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Internet stalking my ex again


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i really dont know why i do this. i mean, i am happy, love my partner yadda yadda.

but it's this secret addiction, obsession. she's good. she keeps herself hidden from goggle search for the most part. but. she recently created a myspace page. and used her same ol web nick that i google when i get bored.

there were details. there were pictures. i feel like i am going to throw up. i dont know why i do this. i dont know why i cant stop. i dont know why i cant move on and let this one go. all the others are gone. but i am obsessed with her.

there are complications and projections of my mother, and

god i just want to get over it. what am i missing?

she's still drinking. she's a drunk.

that's part of what tore us apart.

i cant dance that dance anymore.

part of me wanted/s her to quit drinking to save our friendship/relationship.

i want to be that important to her (my mother).

its complicated.

it hurts.

it hurts to see her happy wihout me.

a slap in the face that i wasnt enough ...

that she could just walk away and never give it all a second thought.

i want to reach out, but everytime i touch her, even just a simple email, i get burned.

she is toxic to me.

i miss her so much.

i hate her so much.

i want to matter.

i just fucking want to matter.

and i dont.

so i hide in the shadows and spy on her life and torture myself with the fact that i never will.

i wish she was dead.

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I do similar things. I am net-stalking a friend, who is net-stalking me - but he doesn't know, that I know, that he is stalking. It's obsessive. I think about him all the time. I cheated on my husband with him before we left Canada, and it sent me into a lust-obsessed-guilty-depressed cycle. I like that he likes me, and I want him to want me. I want it all obsessively. I feel good but I also feel bad. I wish he was here, but at the same time, I wish he wasn't. It's awful. I feel for you because I know these kinds of behaviours are so hard to break. I mean, I have been stalking his IP addy now, checking out how much he has been reading my online journal, and then composing code-messages for him to read, hoping he'll understand.

Bern

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i google my ex husband. he's very smart though, and would never do something so stupid like have a "my space" page. the only on-line reference i've found to his family was a book his sister co-authored.

i'm not obsessed with him, just very curious. it isn't taking over my every thought and i don't think of it every day, and it isn't like i can't move on, but i do feel guilty for my share of our marital problems and wish i could make it up to him somehow. he keeps himself hidden though.

i do have his SS# and could easily find him that way, and sometimes think i want to. but i think that would be too underhanded and i haven't done it. i just want to make peace with the past i think. i want him to see me as the me i am now, a totally different woman (due to a lot of therapy and meds) than i was 5 years ago. i'm 28 now- that's a lot of time!

he knows where to contact me if he wants. i've tried to email him with no success.

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i wish she was dead
Don't say stuff like this. Don't THINK stuff like this. I am pretty sure you are just trying to say you wish she wasn't around, but be careful with words. Please.

Otherwise, don't feel so bad. I cyber stalk not only ex boyfriends, but anyone I can think of. Old friends, enemies, relatives... The worst thing I've done is for 3 yrs after I broke up w/ this 1 guy I checked his email. Dumbass never changed his password. It does NOT help in the moving on process though. The best thing you can do is start dating. Replace her w/ someone new.

(kind of OT)

What I find interesting is that as a kid I frequently had the feeling that someone was sitting outside my window watching me. It was usually (in my head that is) a guy I liked at the time. So maybe I find stalking a form of flattery and validation that I am cool and likable? Plus I had the whole fantasy of a boyfriend throwing rocks at my window in the middle of the night. Still do. Although when the unwelcome ex-boyfriend showed up on my doorstep uninvited I was pissy because I didn't WANT to see him. His tactics worked though - we got back together at least twice that way.

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Hi!

supergwen wrote:

I cyber stalk not only ex boyfriends, but anyone I can think of. Old friends, enemies, relatives...

me too!!!

actually I think it is quite natural these days. not much is private anymore - imo. and i have no problem blogging about my life. actually its easier to track than hand writing in my journal.

and dont get me started on the kids who cant handwrite anymore....thats not my point. its that as an adult I find more of myself liking responses to my blogs...whether its here on CB or myspace. and if someone responds to me in a different way - it makes me want to explore why?

happy interneting,

december

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Maybe I don't belong on this thread, but I've been on the flip-side of this and it sucks.

It sucks not being able to have a blog anymore because no matter how deeply you bury it or how you set up the robot.txt file, somehow it gets indexed somewhere. It sucks when you get blamed for everything that goes wrong in their life, even though they were the one that fucked yours. I get to deal with being stalked about every six months by the same person. YAY fo me.

So if I'm out of line posting on here, PM me and I'll remove this.

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i think a lot of people do it and we're so open about our lives, we give people information.

on the other hand, i've been on the other side of being stalked. not internet stalking, but physical stalking. i've now had it happen twice.

as i said, stalking my ex on the internet would be very easy because i have his SS#. but ethical for me to do it? i've decided against it, even though it is tempting. just to find ot where he lives, he doesn't have to know that i know, but any details about him would be fabulous.

i wish he had a blog, but he's too private for that. i don't see him writing about his life on the internet any time soon.

what is it with our obsessing? why can't we get over it and move on already?

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So if I'm out of line posting on here, PM me and I'll remove this

You aren't out of line. Real stalking bad. Internet stalking not good either. Which would be where my "Don't say you wish she were dead" comment came from. And anyone who would blame all of their problems on another person in the first place is delusional.

Let me know if someone's ass needs to be kicked.

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Let me clarify, it's no one on here.

Sorry. It's someone from my past. Sorry.

I don't realize that I'm not very clear.

And I try to make sure that I keep things private.

Thanks everyone for letting me voice the other side.

And thanks Supergwen for the offer, but it's more annoyance than threat, I believe.

As far as keeping your privacy private -- when registering for domain names, etc... they do have services available now that will mask your information, but you have to pay for them. And there are even services that will make it so that no info comes up at all on the domain name (to the public.)

I would give more info, but I'm still not feeling great and staying up for any length of time wears me out. Sorry. Will try to type more later.

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i really dont know why i do this. i mean, i am happy, love my partner yadda yadda.

but it's this secret addiction, obsession. she's good. she keeps herself hidden from goggle search for the most part. but. she recently created a myspace page. and used her same ol web nick that i google when i get bored.

Hey, T, you are only hurting yourself and undermining your relationship with your partner by continuing with this obsession with this past relationship. I think that if you do this when you get bored, you need to find the willpower to get up and walk away from the computer instead of googling your ex. It sounds like you were hurt that the ex wouldn't change, ie. stop drinking, for you and 'this' is the reason you are obsessed with her, not because you want to continue the relationship. You want to see if there was someone who she 'did' change for. No matter the reason, the relationship is over and you have to let go of the obsession.

There's my version of armchair psychiatry... or I may just be talking out my ass.

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it's all my mother in disguise.

i cant just "get over it"

or i would. trust me.

i'm obsessive by nature,

and this is the big one.

the whole mother/daughter thing.

the ex is not just my ex.

she was my best friend for some 20 years.

the "love" relationship was mere months.

she showed up, filled the role my mother had never stepped up to fill

and i was caught, hook line and sinker

in the tangle of dysfunction.

i'm making some strides with it.

identifying the projection and the parallels helped.

like most of life

it's always more complex than the thin facade of the superficial would indicate.

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  • 1 year later...
Guest Cableshow

I work for a production company doing a documentary on this very subject. Have you internet stalked your ex and/or crush? Were you ever accused of harassing him? Did you ever take it further and drive past his house or call him several times a day? We would love to talk to you if you've done any of the above. Email me privately at iacuccik@cbsnews.com if you'd like to talk to us.

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Here's something to consider...

I see y'all using the term "stalking" to mean finding someone's footprint on the internet. Mostly just gathering information. Compulsively gathering information based on an obsessive (can't get it out of my head no matter how hard I try) thought.

Stalking in the legal sense is often defined such that the stalker's actions cause fear, a sense of intimidation, or harassment to the person who is the target of the stalking (what was that movie... swim fan, oh yeah, and that one with Kathleen Turner jagged edge?... and less noticable because its couched as comedy, the ever popular There's something about Mary--think about it... and the ever popular Kathy Bates adaptation of Stephen King's Misery).

Legalistically, stalking escalates from the kinds of behaviors you all are talking about to trying to make contact, repeated unwanted gifts, attempts to enter the consciousness of the person who is being stalked regardless of the wishes of the person who is being stalked. When the person who is doing these behaviors is rejected in some way by the person being stalked, this is often when the 'stalker' will escalate and feel justified in starting to use more extreme measures (moving toward violent measures) to capture the attention of the person being stalked. For the person being stalked, the experience moves from frustration and annoyance to fear and terror.

I'm glad that you have a place where it feels safe to disclose the obsessive-compulsive thoughts and behaviors around following people on the internet. If you find yourself crossing boundaries in your head or in reality, please talk to your tdoc or find someone safe to talk to right away. I would hate for any of you to end up in jail or with a restraining/protective order because of the inability to stop a thought.

Peace,

Wooster (who has been known to try to find someone on the internet also)

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oh good lord no. the whole fun is that i get to SPY. there's no desire at ALL to initiate REAL contact! i'm an ocd type peeping tomasina. nosy nelly. mrs kravitz. but it's no fun if you're spotted!

PS: i actuallly had a real life stalker needed a restraining order, and that was no fun. no. far from it. it was terrifying. this stuff that i started talking about was an obsession ... and an inability to let go. but it's kinda cool, to read this all now, over a year later, and see that a very large percentage of disconnect has ocurred. that i have actually made progress. and for the most part, the obsession is severed.

but in general i am still nosy by nature. lol

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Hi,

I try to find people on the internet too. Most times I am unsuccessful, so I must suck.

Recently, I have been trying to find info on my bf's ex. Fun, fun, fun stuff.

Why should I even care. I have never met her and never will.

The fact that I dont know much about her, other than her first name, her age (i think) and that she was once married to my bf is all I have. Thats a good thing.

Nothing would come of it if I did find her. I dont wanna make contact or anything. Sometimes I just have a bug up my butt.

I am glad that you can look back on this thread and see that you have made progress. That is always an awesome thing. Its a way of judging how much you have grown and healed. So kudos to you.

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Yeah. To people wanting to do news interviews, I would suggest:

1. Register for a real account

2. Contact people politely in private

3. Don't be surprised if they tell you to fuck off and die. People really vary. I love to talk to reporters (this is not a request, I don't have any stalking stories), but for a lot of people here requests for info from "outsiders" are an invasion of privacy, because these boards are for *us*.

Also, if I were in your shoes, I'd talk about how my approach would benefit mentally ill people before I would start asking questions about whether people here stalk a lot. If your approach isn't going to benefit mentally ill people, if you're just after an "omg those mentally ill people are fucking crazy beware they might stalk you omg", or if you haven't even thought about this, then yeah, fuck off and die.

We're real people handling severe problems that most gawkers have no idea of, and we just do not care to be inaccurately represented as scary perpetraters that people should shun and stay away from. Some of us think the gawkers deserve to have the same problems we have, only for a day so they can see what it's like...but many of us aren't anywhere near that viciously cruel.

Not the same as Internet stalking - I know no data on that - but with violence, we're more likely to be victims of violence - SIX TIMES more likely - than perpetraters. And what gets the play in the media? Fucking Cho. People who kill their wives. Omg mental people are crazy take away their rights, based on infrequent but high-media-profile incidents. That's the real story to take from these boards - we are real people coping with real problems, often in the absence of social support, absence of insurance, absence of income, absence of other people caring, misrepresentation of who we are that makes all those things worse... If you want to do a story on omg mentally ill people = scary, the tack to take is "how about we get more funding to enable better treatment of uninsured people, how about we get insurance companies to pay for brain dysregulation issues to the same extent as non-brain dysregulation issues, how about we get more education out there." Prevention through treatment and support. Not stigmatizing people who aren't as lucky as you, or as the viewers, because you want to get something flashy by creating a mix of the "omg new technologies scary and threatening" and "omg mentally ill people scary and threatening" things. Education, not entertainment at our expense.

Those are personal suggestions from me-as-a-member-and-former-psych-researcher, not CB policy or anything.

Thanks.

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My thought was more along the lines of providing him with some involuntarily assisted SI!

If he (they?) survived they could come back here with some creds!

Let him post an ad in a newspaper.

Posting his request here is like (I presume) standing up with a microphone in an AA meeting and asking if anyone wants to "share"! ;)

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Come to think of it, it might be better for people to contact the mods/admins, and we can talk about whether it looks like it would be helpful to post something here.

There are issues of politeness, intrusion, and exploitation, but there's also the issue that (in research at least, and I assume journalism is the same) people are not always looking for the demographic that reads and responds to newspapers. And if we try to shut out requests for stories altogether - whether for the news or research - then no one's going to hear from us. We won't be in the news and we won't be in the studies, except where we're spoken for by other people who may not understand our needs and may be running their own agenda.

I think AA has strict rules about that kind of thing. But what most researchers would do in similar circumstances is contact the person running the group, who will decide whether they want to give out the researcher's contact info, and it's up to the people in the group to decide whether they want any contact with the researcher at all. Journalists don't have the same level of oversight, though - and since this board is open to the entire Internet, they can post without asking.

I mention research because the same issues come up there, and I've been on both sides of the equation. If you want to improve research knowledge about something MI-related, there are more and less appropriate ways to contact people to participate, and more and less relevant places to contact people. If they don't contact people who will be affected by the research/media, those people will have no representation in it.

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Good point.

But I don't see this person as a "researcher".

It might be nice to have a 'policy' whereby any 'outsider' who had a contact interest would contact the mods - as you indicate about AA.

However I kind of think that this person probably latched on to this particular forum by 'googling' keywords. I doubt he would have seen or even looked for or paid attention to any topic about 'guidelines for contact'.

Thus he would have still been standing up in the AA meeting with his mike whether AA had a policy or not.

I understand and agree, though, with what you say about research and the (increasingly rare) honest journalist and having our voices heard (however disparate they may be.)

If you or the other mods can think up a system that would somehow put researchers/(honest) journalists on notice of an 'approved contact procedure' without sending out press releases inviting them to an open house - (Or IS that a bad idea? ;) ) then let us know.

Maybe this is worth a thread?

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Guest cableshow

I apologize if I have offended anyone by the request for someone to speak to us. If there is a proper way to go about this please let me know. We are genuinely interested in hearing from the perspective of a female who has internet stalked someone and who has perhaps taken it a bit further. We are talking to psychologists as well as other women who have participated in a vast range of stalking behavior.

This is completely voluntary and privacy could be maintained on camera by doing the interview in shadow.

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Guest BetterCableShow

I am going to cut right to the chase. I work for a more prestigious cable show than the poster above. I will guarantee extra anonymity for you by placing a bag over your head that says "whack job." Also important is my anonymity. I know most people requesting interviews know how to find contact info for people running message boards. That puts my identity "out there" too much though. By "out there"--I mean with a possibly nutty person. I'm going to just keep posting here until someone confirms my argument that craziness + internet= bad idea. I'm thinking about talking to psychologists and stuff.

-Serious Professional.

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First 'guest cableshow' - you might try - as sort of suggested earlier - contacting the moderator/administrator "Resonance" via PM (Personal message) to ask for suggestions. I don't know if you need to be registered to do this, but IF you are serious I don't see any reason for you to be concerned about registering in order to further your process.

Your intentions may be good, but your end product may still be questionable. I guess we really can't know - since you don't/won't (?) say which cable show!

Poster #2 - your attempt at humor is marginal. You can guarantee your anonymity by putting an unmarked PLASTIC bag over your head - and leaving it in place!

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We are genuinely interested in hearing from the perspective of a female who has internet stalked someone and who has perhaps taken it a bit further.

Why a female specifically?

Because it conforms to stereotypes of hysterical women ala Jagged Edge?

Be gutsy. Be brave. Challenge your cable show to reflect statistical realities and differential effects interpersonal violence (including internet and real life stalking) have on males vs. females. Women are more likely than men to experience physical harm as stalking escalates. Women are more likely than men to be killed by the person stalking them.

Take a chance on being balanced about gender in your cable show.

Peace,

Wooster

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