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This is something that has been on my mind a lot - obsessions. I obsess over obsessions. ;)

The last few years of my life I have been in a relatively normal state, normal enough to where I woke up every day, took my meds and didn't think twice about having BP. It wasn't a pressing matter in my life like it has become now. Sure, I had some minor issues with it at times, but nothing that dominated my waking hours. I was even med-free last year for several months and didn't think twice about it.

Now, after this God-awful episode, I find myself obsessing over my past. I think about the could-have-beens and the shoulda wouldas. I think about the special relationships that I shattered as a result of my illness (in my early 20's). I think about how my illness wrecked my college career. I think about how my reputation has been tainted in some ways by me being out of control in public places. I think about some of the formerly special people that I thought I loved, who have since called me a "psycho" and "crazy" behind my back to other friends. Now these folks have totally abandoned me and spread the word about my behavior, which makes my depression worse. I often wonder what it would have been like if I would not have done this or that and ruined it all.

A lot of this shit happened several years ago, yet it cogitates in my mind again and again, especially when I am in a depressed phase.

So my question is: are obsessions a normal part of BP disorder, or do I need to check into being diagnosed with a co-morbid illness? Or I suppose the more accurate question is: are obsessions a normal part of the depressed phase of BP?

Take Care.

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Yes, I do. It's been part of my biggest problem the last several weeks. Upset over something and I can't let go. It all just keeps popping up in my mind, over and over and over. Not to mention stuff from days past that pops up, and I have to retalk conversations, justify decisions, etc. It is all so illogical, and I can't stop it.

I don't know if obsession is the proper term, but it feels like it.

a.m

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Oh my goodness what AM said. It just does not stop for me even now(especially now for a lot of reasons). You just have to say I'm healing with the NOW. The past is dead and I'm living for the future. And try to move on from there.

I know it's hard.You're in my thoughts.

lilie

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Bleugh! I get that when I'm depressed. Memories of things I've done/said pop into my head constantly and overwhelm me with guilt and self-loathing - particularly if the depression is following an episode of hypo/mania. The only way I've found to (sort of) deal with it is to keep telling myself that the people who count and care know what was going on and love me anyway....

xx

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I get this too when I'm feeling particularly down. I beat myself up for stupid things I said/did when I was manic, and I also wondering incessantly about how my life could have turned out if I had made different choices. So yes, this happens to me.

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i alternate between caring quite a bit, to the point of obsession, about what i could have/would have/should have done in different situations, and then i try to bring myself around to understand that it was my illness distorting my view of things, not me really.

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Wow

I heard obsessive stuff was related to bipolar

Can't remember where I heard it.

I do obsess negatively when even the slightest bit depressed in particular stuff in the past.

When manic I just am way to scattered to think straight....let alone obsess

Hypomanic I obsess about everything all the time.

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Hi A.S.

I think the fixating is definitely related to the BP mind. Both on the depressive and the manic side, though in the depressive state, we do tend to go over and over the mistakes we've made, the missteps, the could-have-beens...sigh. I know it's hard. I'm sorry. All I can say is I've been there, too, and it gets better.

I want to add one thing. I am going to go out on a limb here...and I don't want to sound like I think I "know a thing or two" 'cause I don't feel that way...but I'm in my late 30's and so many of the things you described, the mistakes you go over...relationships broken, college getting screwed up, people thinking you're "crazy" and "psycho" and just that feeling of having a tainted relationship and you're only in your 20's...

I was there, too. I had relationships that were incredibly special to me that went to hell from my illness, I had to leave college on some medical leave thing because I went so nuts eventually, and in the process, I did so many things that made (in my opinion) everyone think I was a weirdo not worth knowing. I felt so sad and worthless for years.

But...over time...it got better. I learned lessons. Different people entered my life, thankfully. As if gifts from heaven, sometimes. I made decisions that took me to different places, allowed me to go down different paths. And while I still look back on those really tough times, it did get better.

That's not to say I don't still get depressed sometimes. And then the illness takes off and I feel awful and regrets fill my head, etc. But what I'm saying is that the Difficulties of the 20's will pass and you will move on in life and things will change.

It won't always be like it is. I guess that's all I'm saying. If you take that kind of positive attitude towards the years ahead, maybe you can not dwell on the idea that all is lost. 'Cause I just don't believe it is.

Now. Enough of that. I hope you feel better soon. To a certain extent, obsessive thoughts are just chemical and they're worth mentioning to the doctor.

Take care,

Cat

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I'm pure O also. Obsessions have been a part of my entire life. Not just obsessing over past events, but just... things. It grew steadily worse during a rough manic phase, and stayed with me through an equally rough depression. I try not to even think about past relationships, because if I do, the obsessions slide downhill quickly.

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yes, obsessive regrets during depresion- guilt, self-hatred, can't seem to get out from under. The worst is that I screwed up my kids and they wouldn't really love me unless I was dead.

When hypo- even my dysphoric bag of anger and confusion, this obsessiveness seems to vanish and I don't give a shit.

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