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Who to blame but myself?


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I don't know why this particular life event had to come up now. It's been 15 or 16 years since it started and 9 since it stopped. I never thought about it. I never worried about it. It happened. Then it was over. End of story, right? Wrong.

In the past 5 months I've been having sexual issues. With other people, I can't achieve orgasm. I've only been able to with one person and that is my current, new, girlfriend. We've only had phone sex though. Once, after I came, I started crying and didn't know why. It wasn't too bad. I got over it. I chalked it up to intense emotions. On Sunday night I had the most intense orgasm of my life and when it was over, I immediately began sobbing uncontrollably. She assumed it was caused by the emotional release..and so did I, until I tried to calm down. I couldn't.

Friday night we were sharing things about our past. We're still in the 'get to know each other' phase. She told me that her mother had been molested as a child. She also told me that when she was 7, she was pressured into having sex with a girl from school, just so the girl would be her friend. That made me remember something similar that happened to me.

All kids have the 'I'll show you mine if you show me yours' curiosity. The first penis I saw was my cousin's. He is 5 months younger than me. We've been inseparable since birth. At 7, he discovered that after 11pm his TV showed the Playboy channel. When I would spend the night, he always wanted to watch it. It made me uncomfortable, but I was curious, so I watched it. One night, he thought it would be fun to reenact what was going on on TV. I didn't want to. He played the 'if you're my friend, you will' card and I fell for it. He was my best friend...like a brother to me instead of a cousin. I gave in. I had my first orgasm with my cousin at 7 years old. Immediately afterward I felt dirty, sick, and gross. I never wanted to do it again. I slept on the couch that night instead of in his room.

The next day we were swimming. He wanted to try it in the water. In the corner of the pool where no one could see, we did it again. I didn't like it. I didn't want it. But I didn't want to lose my best friend. He said, "If we do it now, you can watch what you want on TV when we do inside...or you can pick the next game we play." We stopped before I came. Thank God. I immediately got out of the pool and went to take a shower. When I got out, he was downstairs watching football. I asked to watch cartoons. He said no. I asked again. He got aggravated. So I went to play by myself. When the football game was over, I asked if we could play monopoly or something. He said no, he wanted to play football. So we played football outside.

It happened again that night. This time, we saw anal sex. He wanted to try that, too. "Bend over and pull off your shorts," he said. I closed my eyes and did what he asked. I pretended I wasn't there at all. I had another orgasm and ran up to the bathroom. Why did it feel so good...and so sick, so gross, so wrong at the same time? We did it every night I'd sleep over until I was 13. Each night, he wanted to try something different. During the day, that was my bargaining chip. "If you let me watch cartoons, tonight you can do whatever you want to me." He ate that shit up.

At 13, I moved away. When we came back to visit for the summer, he took me to the basement. He pulled down his pants to show me how big his penis was. He went to pull mine down and to fuck me. I turned around and said "No." He looked confused and hurt. "Please?" he asked. I stood my ground. I stopped spending the night. He never touched me again. And I forgot about it. Until this weekend.

I had a flashback Sunday night on the phone with my girlfriend. I couldn't stop shaking or crying. I wasn't in my room on my bed, talking to my girlfriend. I was back at his house, in the den, on rough carpet being fucked from behind while he made me watch porn. I curled into the fetal position and kept saying, "Stop. Don't touch me. Stop. Leave me alone. Tyler, stop. Please." Only I wasn't saying it out loud, I was only thinking it. I could hear my girlfriend on the other end of the phone whispering, "Baby, it's okay. Shhh...Babydoll...what is it?"

When my tears stopped and I found my voice again, I told her what happened. I told her, I don't know whose fault it is. Is it mine? I was just a kid. It can't be his fault. He's always been slow. He's 21 now with the mentality of a 15 or 16 year old. He'll always be like that. He always has been. He didn't know what we were doing was wrong. He only knew it felt good. It has to be my fault. I let it happen.

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Who to blame?? NOT YOU!!!! Sheismistaken, you were a child when all of this shit entered into your life. Instead of "Magic School Bus" the facinating world of porno entered your little life. As a kid, your cousious, it grosses you out and facinates you at the same time, and you don't understand it, it sooooo confusing. Sex hurts and feels good at the same time. That's why so many kids are victims. Easy targets becasue they are so vulnerable. When you are 7, you are both victims, he was a child too. Sweets, you are not to blame, ever for what happens to you as a kid, or a teen. As a teen, sex is a big confusing mess too, and when you carry all the poison childhood sex shit over into it makes it hell. As a kid, shit, who wouldn't do whatever to get candy or stay up late or play with a favorite toy. Why do think every pedophille in the world has candy, and every parent teaches kids since birth to never take candy from strangers? What started out as kids couriosity was tainted by porno. My heart goes out to you, and him a s a kid too. You were strong when you could be strong and said, and meant no.

As a survivor, I can tell you that you have lived through the hardest part, the actual event. The after effects are hell, but not the event. You need to talk to your therapist ASAP!! Why now? Well, maybe you feel safe enough in this new relationship to be vulnerable. Painful stuff stays hidden until we are safe, broken or strong enough for them to rear their ugly heads. Take control of them now, before they control you. In the mean time, call a rape hotline and talk to someone, you won't feel so alone in your pain. Get some help, and let the poison go now, the longer you hold onto it, the more damage it does to you. Please get help now, and start the healing sweets. You are in my thoughts.....

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