Jump to content

I want to die--


Recommended Posts

;) For reasons I won't list here(see springer, if you care) I fdind myself more suicidal than I ever have been in my life. I know how angry and upset my family will be, I KNOW its "forever" but my brain won't shut off, and those bottles of pills just sit there.

I don't know why I am writing this--but this board has always been my friend, and I don't know what else to do.

If I start crying, its over--I wil lose it and I will be gone.

INtellectually, I can think of lots of "reasons" to stay alive--but I am tired and I have lost the thing that gave me identity and purpose.

My brain won't be quiet--I keep trying to tell it to shut up and let me go to sleep--but it won't.

This has never happened to me before--and I am much more afraid of staying alive than dying. It all just seems so easy--my brain has it all worked out.

I hurt so bad--I want it to stop.

china

Link to comment
Share on other sites

China, China, China. You've only just begun looking for a job. One WILL come.

Don't you dare try to kill yourself.

DON'T DO IT. Come here and write all you want, but DON'T DO IT. You have kids for pete's sake. And a husband. And friends. And family. And people here who love you too.

Call your pdoc. PLEASE.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi China

You are such a bright sunshine inspiration here. I am sure that you are much, much loved by your family and friends. It may be hard to see that right now...but it's true. Don't lose sight of that. It's what your life is really all about. Not money. Not a job. Not the petty fights and conflicts that creep in sometimes. You are here for a reason...you know that in your heart. You are special to so many. I read it almost every day in posts here.

I hope that you will consider trying to quiet those voices with a moment's recounting of the many blessings you do have in your life. The sweet people that you love and who love you, especially. It might be hard right now, but there really are reasons to live. It is your cursed illness that is telling you dying would be sweet right now. It most certainly would NOT be. It would chill those loved ones forever with pain and sadness.

Libby is right, China. Give your pdoc a call.

Thinking of you...

You are in my prayers,

Cat

Link to comment
Share on other sites

does it have a trigger? helping waterfall?

i feel you. and i know you would regret it the moment you did anything.

what would you tell you if you came to you asking for help?

i say, deep breaths. hot bath. anything to bring you down even just a little.

the moments will get easier the longer you stay focused and keep talking.

kathy

thought: write down everything going through your mind? even if it jibberish?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm going to sleep now--3 Klonopin--and I will call someone tomrorow, I promise.

I know--this board has been so important to me because it gave me a reason and a way to help people. But it doesn't work if I can't help myslef. And I can't , not any more, not rightnnow.

I', so sory to disappoint everyone who has been so nice and so supportivr--but I am totally empty, there isn't any more help to give--

I will talk to you al in the AM I promise--

china

Link to comment
Share on other sites

No,the trigger was realizing that I am out of date,tha tmy skills and abikiteis don't really count anymore, and I always thought I was such a special person, a nurse with a calling, a mission if you will. But all that won't get me a job--anywhere. (See springrt fot more detsild)

It was the wakeup call that I am old and out of date, and used up--and have nothing to offer a potential emplyer--except out of date training and experience.

Its a trrible shock to realize, once and for all, that your time is really come and gone--

china

Link to comment
Share on other sites

i hope i don't sound flip and i don't know your story...but you strike me as someone who would never feel too old to learn "new tricks." There is always a high demand for nurses. While you search for a real job befitting your experience, maybe you can volunteer or intern or take less pay in exchange for the opportunity to learn the new techniques and ways from the pros today. Maybe they might even be willing to send you to some classes. But I do feel there will always be a demand for the old-fasioned basics of care and caring that will make you important to many many patients.

best,

7

Link to comment
Share on other sites

we are sorry that you are feeling so bad we hope that you dont kill your self

the link above we found it is about su it gives you the thoughs that you may not feel at the moment

we hope you feel strong enought to see though this and go on fighting it

we are all thinking of you

The Collective

Link to comment
Share on other sites

China-I have been where you are. when all you can think about is the unthinkable. It really is depression talking and you need to call someone 911. Pdoc or ER. I used to try to distract myself when I was where you are. I know how hard it is. I took things not one day at a time but one minute at a time. That all seems so long ago. Today, for now, I am stable and the depression I felt has passed. I would have missed out on alot if I had done the deed. And I found a job I love when I thought no one would ever hire me and even if they did, I would not be able to handle working. Well, I am. So, screw you Depression. YOU did not win. Don't let it beat you. There are so many ways (or meds/combos) that will help you. With love and hope, Melissa

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I know you're depressed right now and just reading this won't help, but I have a counter for everything you just said your trigger was, even though I don't know you. IF you're still feeling this way and you've called your pdoc, consider the ER, just so someone can talk to you and be with you and you know you'll be safe. Or if it's the meds, and if you have a close friend who can handle some extra tasks, make them your "med passer" to help keep you safe.

You are out of date: no, you are not out of date. It's impossible to be out of date because you are a smart person that is capable of learning more and more. You are a RN (from what I've gathered from this post) and not many people can say that. That is quite an accomplishment.

You say your skills and abilities don't count anymore: No, a caring nurse is the BEST thing to happen to anyone. If my dad had caring nurses when he was recently hospitalized they would have had him able to swallow again, but due to BAD nurses (not ones who care about their jobs like you do), then he wouldn't have a peg tube in his stomach right now. Having a passion for helping people is a wonderful thing, and as it was already mentioned earlier, try volunteering while doing your job search. Maybe try a women's shelter or crisis center where you can make an enormous difference in someone's life.

If you think you're a special person and you are a nurse with a calling, then let that shine through when you're looking for a job. When people hire other people it's because they think to themselves "wow, this person will make a difference." And good nurses make less mistakes because they're more in tune to what the patient needs. This means less chance of malpractice for the institution you'd be working in.

If you're willing to relocate, then keep looking in other places too.

YOU CAN DO THIS! You can take every positive thing on here (and maybe involve your kids, too, and make it all colorful) and do little reminders of how awesome you are and tape them up in places you'll see all over the house. It sounds kind of stupid right now but it helped me when I was suicidal last.

Please get the help you need. That step is the hardest, as most of us here know. After that it doesn't necessarily get easier, but it's not as hard because you have a direction. We're here for you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm here--altho I learned that if you eat peanut butter (my comfort food) it totally inactivates any amount of Klonopin yo take. Period.Nothing.

My brain is alitte quieter this AM--tho I did not sleep at all last nite, and when I tried to sleep today, had weird, scary, very real dreams.

I KNOW that my family and--well, this family--care for me. But I don't care for myself right now, and I just cannot talk to DH, because the whole crying/MI/cycling/hospital thing freaks him waaay out. He cares, but he judt doesn't know what to do. And of course, this is his day off, so he is at home, trying to avoid me. If he'd just suggest we go for a ride--or something--but he won't, cause he just withdraws.

I did not call pdoc--thought I'd see what tomorrow(today) brings. Which is really nothing.Beautiful day--wanted to go to the beach, too much trouble to get dressed and drive the 5 minutes over there.

My BRAIN knows all the things you all have said--but my soul, my gut, doesn't believe any of them, and thats the problem--

Pdc will call this "situational"--and maybe it is. But the pain is very real. But I am here, and another almost 24 hours has passed, and the "voice" is a little quieter--

Problem is, I no longer know WHY I am here, even tho all the wonderful things you all wrote may be true, I don't believe them, and I don't know why I am still taking up space and air. No purose, no future, no place to go, no reason to go there.

I do love you all, tho--

china

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You need a med tweak, China. It's clear as hell to all of us here that you are depressed, honey. I don't think it's just situational.

Quit predicting what your pdoc will say and call his ass. OK?

We all care about you. I'm being harsh because I care.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

China, you are one of the first people that ever reached out to me on this board when my life was in the same place yours is now. I have so much respect for your wisdom and your wit. You may hate the world right now, but the world still loves you!

Hold on!

Please!

Love and kisses galore!

Roosle

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi China,

I like many of the others have witnessed your wit and compassion and would saddened if you chose to leave us. Please dont.

And I, like you and many others have been in that nasty place you are now. I am with Libby, please, please call your Pdoc. Or go to the hospital.

Please,

Selene

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Calling Pdoc in the AM--couldn't even walk thru Wal-green's today with out crying--and I am so terribly, completely exhausted.

Damn, I hate fucking with my meds--seems like we just got them right--but something has to change--

I wish pdoc was more of a "talking" doc--but I'm gonna try--

What I have realized is that I cannot bear the hurt and anger that my children would experience if I were to take this action. They are my life, we are closer than any mom and kids I have ever seen, and I simply could not willingly and knowlingly cause them that much pain and loss. They are the best of my life, and tho I have often been a really selfish bitch, now is not the time.

I keep thinking of the multitudes of us who face this demon daily, or weekly, or maybe even just once--and thats enough.

love, blessings, and thanks, guys--

china

Link to comment
Share on other sites

yes china, you know my story and what happened to my dad. live for them, if not for yoruself. my soul was ripped apart, and i still blame myself. i'm just not "me" anymore. they would be either.

but you have EVERY reason to live for YOU!!! jsut because you're having a hard time getting off the gruond doesn't mean you won't get off teh ground. gosh, here in cleveland, there is such a shortage of nurses that they give signing bonuses! there is a shortage of all kinds of medical professionals, one reason why i want to become a nurse- the calling, and job security.

the others are so right- the world needs good nurses who love and care for people. you can be as up to date as teh newest graduate but not be loving, and you can be new in the field and not have the experience you have. i'd play off your experience and that you're willing to learn, do some volunteering, or take a new class (even an onilne one), just to show you're trying to update your skills.

passion will shine through all of this other crap! you'll find the job that is meant for you, that you are supposed to find, but you just haven't- yet. but trust me, you will.

you've been a good person, and we both beileve karma is good to good people-

loon

Link to comment
Share on other sites

China, i think you are just exhausted. you feel like you have nothing to offer, that you are empty, because you are just worn out. how long have you fought with the move to FL, and your illness, and back, and job situation? Fuck it, woman, anyone short of helen keller would be bawling in her wheaties.

my take is that you need to find a way to nurture you. what i saw when i pm'd you was an incredible woman, wise and strong...it blew me away. i was just speechless. you DO still have it in you woman, you just FEEL like you don't.

and you know me well enough to know i am not a blow sunshine up the ass person, i am instead a pull no punches person...and you had left me speechless. if you can do that, you've got balls. i can see them, even if you can't.

and yes, i have the withdrawn husband thing so i so know how that feels.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi China

My spirits were lifted to hear that you will be calling your pdoc and that you are able to talk back to that voice in your head and say "No, I'm not going down, my children love me and I'm just not going."

Good for you, Girl.

It's hard when the tears are coming and you just feel like crap. I know. But damn it if you aren't loved just too much to give in! Yep. Too much love. Oh well.

Let's just keep believing that those meds are going to get figured out. You don't need to suffer this way.

In the meantime, be gentle with yourself.

Thinking of you,

Cat

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Just came home from emergency apt. with pdoc, who has confirmed that he is an idiot. First thing he says is "keep your house full of light". OK, space cadet, I have always done that, can't stand to live in the dark. Then he says"You are coming down from being on the adderall for a while." No dumbass, the adderrall did NOT make me HYPER or MANIC, it made me normal. And I will not give it up--

Asked me if I had ever had real manic period--gee, I've been seeing you for a year, I have told you four times no, except whwn I took the prednisone. I get hypo--very agitated, irritable, brain moving too fast, can't keep things staight--have ecplained that to you also, do you ever take any notes???gee, doc, sounds like BP II to me, ever think of that???

Then, the punch line--"You need to get up every monrning and jog around the block." Hey doc, did you hear when I said I can't get out of my PJ's and never leave my house? "Well," he says, do some exercises in the house." "Go to the beach and walk"--wow, in my pj's and without getting in my car? Good trick. Maybe I could transport myself--beam me over or something--

I asked him about triggers--like stepson being in Iraq, opening all sorts of nasty Nam doors that have been locked away for years--no, he says, you think about them because you're depressed. Which came first, asshole, chicken or the egg??? And what about the job issue? "Oh, you will find a job, plenty of opening for nurses around here. " If I hear that one more time I am gonna hurl in the speaker's lap--

He won't talk, he is not a talking doc, which I think I need desperately. He did increase my very low dose of Tegretol--was at 200 every day, now at 200 twice a day. Whoopie.

Came home, got on my dying cell phone (great timing) and called begging to reschedule 2 interviews I blew off (I DID call and cancel)--no one at work today, of course, its a gorgeous Friday, 70 degrees, sunny, etc.

So--I am gonna be here till somebody offs me, I guess, since I cannot and will not put my kids thru all the crap with suicide (Thank you, Loon--) But as for the depression that got me here, apparently I am just out of shape.

china the flabby

Link to comment
Share on other sites

china-

i don't know what the pdoc availability situation is like in your area or what your insurance will cover, but i'd get a new pdoc, and start seeing a tdoc! believe me, both are worth it. i've been very fortunate and have received both services for free for 2 years, thanks to being dirt poor. now they take my medicaid so i'm happy to give them something.

you need a pdoc who understands that you need to be lifted to the top of the mountain before you can see the clouds below and evaluate them. how are you supposed to do anything wtih the clouds looming above you? how are you supposed to go jogging around the block when you have trouble getting out of bed and wear your pjs all day?

hopefully your doseage increase will help, at least a little.

if you don't want to change pdocs, a second opinion is always a good idea. have another pdoc do a quick evaluation of the situation and make suggestions aboug what s/he would do. hey, you never know, maybe someone would have better ideas!

keep chugging, and we'll keep you in our thoughts-

loon

Link to comment
Share on other sites

DON'T do it. We need you! You are one of the most caring and giving people on these boards. What would we do without you? You are a unique person in this world, and you are here for a reason. I know what it is like to want to kill yourself. I've been there and been hospitalized twice because of it. So I am not talking out of my ass.

Please call your pdoc and get some help. Maybe you need a med adjustment. I know that helped me to get rid of the suicidal thoughts. Keep us up to date. We care.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

There is very little psych care in this area, and the majority of it is shitty or not taking new patients. I was lucky to find this guy for my meds--I'm gonna work on a seperate therapist, but its like the pdoc thing, I got nothing to go on.

I actually had one potential pdoc down here request all my records from Charleston, then when I called for my appt. his secty. said he had "decided not to take me" as a patient. What the fuck???

I am living in the land that time forgot--so till I can find better, as my husband said this AM (sensibly for a change)I am gonna have to do most of the tough work myself.

Whoopie. I am way too tired to do anything--but hey! Thats cauae I haven't run around the block yet!!

And maybe I should jog to the grocery store, then run home with the bags of stuff. Bet I'd really feel beter then--

Jesus christ--what an idiot--

love to all you guys--you are so great--

china

Link to comment
Share on other sites

China,

I'm new around here so don't know you as well as others, but the love and concern coming at you is awesome. I hope you can take it in.

and I want to reassert that the devastation to your kids would hurt and haunt them for the rest of their lives. I know the feeling of life being over, nothing to live for, empty, lost- many of the things you've been saying- but I guess I want to say that your fear, and the fear for your kids, is maybe the thing you can hold on to until you get some professional help. Is there a Crisis Line in your area?

I don't know, I'm groping in the dark here, but it IS the depression talking, and as I've heard so often- it WILL pass, even in the land that time forgot.

Love to you,

trix

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yep, saw the pdoc this AM--see earlier post about what a idiot he is. Also see post about the lack of any reputable psych. help in this god=forsaken town.

BUT--something has flipped the switch. He increased the Tegretol, so I took one this AM.(usually just take one at night) And for some reason, that or something else--the depression is just about gone. Even my DH, who is not the most astute person around, said a few minutes ago that I sound and look totally different than I did this morning.

I did NOT jog around the block, I figured going to get groceries, and lugging them in, with the laundry, etc. counted for something.

I WILL try to do some more exercising, simply because I need to. But I also need and will try desperately to find a therapist--someone to talk to. Wish me luck.

Thank you all for coming to my rescue--this place so rocks. I can't even try to explain to anyone the depth

of the friendships and the caring thats here--

Living to fight another day--

china

Link to comment
Share on other sites

BUT--something has flipped the switch. He increased the Tegretol, so I took one this AM.(usually just take one at night) And for some reason, that or something else--the depression is just about gone. Even my DH, who is not the most astute person around, said a few minutes ago that I sound and look totally different than I did this morning.
WOW!!!

That is fabulous!!!!!! I'm so happy for you, China! Wow, again. Maybe I need some friggin tegretol, cuz what I got ain't workin'!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yeah!!! I am so happy to see you are in a better place China! You are one of the sweetest people I have ever had the pleasure of posting with and DAMN it! You are such a bright spot in this place!

China Rocks!!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guess the anger wore off--slept all afternoon (Unintended) and am again battling horrible, soul-eating depression.

I just feel like I am taking up space--and not even doing that very well.

shit shit shit shit shit shit shit

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hang in there, China. We're all here for you. The awfulness will end at sometime I promise. I know it's an easy thing to say and I know exactly how you feel right now - I've been there, but you are just as valid as anyone else and you deserve to be happy.

Having an afternoon nap can only be a good thing. I had one today, which is a rare for me, and it was wonderful.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Ah, I should have sen this coming--but silly me, I thought I was BETTER--Now the beast has really reared its ugly head and said, "Hi, I'm Back!!"--

MORE REALLY RAPID CYCLING.

Yes folks, the demon is back, and I have no fucking idea why. Last week it was just depression--now, its horrible, soul-eating depression, (flip switch) nasty irritability (flip switch) hopeless negativity (flip switch) laughing and talking to other people like nothing is wrong. All this, mind you, in the last 3 hours.

I do not know what the fuck is happening, or why, or what to do. The tinyest thing just sends me over the edge, my kids are mad/worried after getting weirded out e-mails, then I get a call from someone and I am happy and laughing and chatting. Its been a very long time since this happened-maybe even a year, almost----maybe I have just overloaded everything, even with the meds working thier little asses off. Cause in between the flips of the switch, I am so exhausted I can't keep my eyes open.

Too crazy to go to the beach--I saw clouds, convinced it was going to rain, so of course did not go. Fighting with Sprint about my phone--which also has really stressed me out. No resonse from other jobs I have applied for--more stress. I just want to sleep--but things keep changing-- Nothing done today but that one lousy interview--calm now, waiting for the next flip of the switch--

Up, down, sideways, backwards, up and down again. Just make it stop==

china

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi China,

Sorry you have to go through this again.

And I know your pdoc is an idiot, but even idiots like to cover their asses. Call him and give him the latest details.

If you need to go to an E.R....do it.

We care and are worried about you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi China

I get those rapid cycles, too.

They SUCK. You have my sympathy. I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. It's just not fair. I guess the only words of encouragement I can offer are that the voices of darkness in your head are the illness talking...not reality. Life is brighter than it seems in the soul-crushing moments of our depressions. It's just so hard to see it that way, I know.

I've found, too, that when the switch flips back and forth, it's hard for the people in our lives to "get it" because we can seem so...so...fine. Hey, weren't you just laughing with me a day ago? An *hour* ago?

Yeah. But the feelings of despair really do come on that fast. I know. Boy, I wish I could do something to make it better for you. It's easy to say, Call the pdoc, ask for med changes, or whatever. But sometimes, even the pdoc gets confounded. That was my situation for a while. Bleh.

But Wifezilla's probably right that it's probably worth a call anyway...you never know what the pdoc might be able to pull out of their...umm...hat?

I'm thinking of you. Hoping you feel a little better. Next time you think of going to the beach, maybe just do it. The ocean can be so healing...I'm in Los Angeles and sometimes the ocean really hits the spot when life totally sucks. Those waves moving constantly give me some kind of odd hope...

Take care,

Cat

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Talked to dear h. when he came home for "lunch"--he and I agreed that I am just totally exhausted and stressed, and that even the best meds in the world get overloaded some times. I am so exhausted now, I feel like I could sleep for 2 weeks.

Another thing I realized--its REALLY HARD on my brain going thru all these job interviews, where I have to not only be sane but try to really "wow" people . And even for an hour, its exhausing.

So--will see what tomorrow brings--he's really good at keeping me "level". We were talking, and I was laughing about something stupid that happened today, and the next minute was crying and he grabbed me (hug-type) and said, "Hey, you were laughing--its OK--deep breath--relax--" and stopped the cycle dead in its tracks. Ah, would that he were around 24/7. But if I can learn to do that to myself, instead of just plunging into the cycling, full-tilt, whic is what I usually do. Its almost self-indulgent, somehow--"I cant handle this, I'm crazy,I can't help myself". BS--I can, sometimes.

My brain is totally exhausted--and I have a million things to do tomorrow. Oh, and had a nursing agency call me about a job--on the old phone--was so spastic I had to ask her to call back in the AM. No stress in that, right???

Thank you all for listening--sometimes I lay awake at night and think about so many of you, and how important you are in my life, and we've never "met"--but we KNOW each other in the most important ways. What a gift this place is--

china

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well, after discussion with DH I realize one thing--bad as I hate to admit it.

I do not have any basic physical strength, because I have spent the last 6 months laying on the couch wiating for my back to heal. Yah, I went to PT, but once that was over, I did nothing. And I am going to continue to be exhausted, physically and mentally, and fall right into the cycling, if I don't get in shape.

Jesus, I hate that the idiot pdoc was sorta right--but he was. I have got to build up some physical endurance, by walking or whatever. I get up and go out and clean house, but I do not have any real physical energy, and when the stress comes, I don't have the physical ability to deal with it. So my brain overloads--

So--DH plays disc golf almost every morning at a park nearby, and apparently there is a track there as well. So I made a promise that I would go, with the iPod, and walk while he throws discs around. I am so lucky to have him, he has been thru so much with me and he hangs on and tries to help. Shit, I think I would have bailed years ago! Bless his heart, as my grandma would say.

And bless you guys, too--maybe I can stick with this --no, I HAVE to. No choice.

love,

china

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well, after discussion with DH I realize one thing--bad as I hate to admit it.

I do not have any basic physical strength, because I have spent the last 6 months laying on the couch wiating for my back to heal. Yah, I went to PT, but once that was over, I did nothing. And I am going to continue to be exhausted, physically and mentally, and fall right into the cycling, if I don't get in shape.

Jesus, I hate that the idiot pdoc was sorta right--but he was. I have got to build up some physical endurance, by walking or whatever. I get up and go out and clean house, but I do not have any real physical energy, and when the stress comes, I don't have the physical ability to deal with it. So my brain overloads--

So--DH plays disc golf almost every morning at a park nearby, and apparently there is a track there as well. So I made a promise that I would go, with the iPod, and walk while he throws discs around. I am so lucky to have him, he has been thru so much with me and he hangs on and tries to help. Shit, I think I would have bailed years ago! Bless his heart, as my grandma would say.

And bless you guys, too--maybe I can stick with this --no, I HAVE to. No choice.

love,

china

China,

I haven't chimed in yet and haven't really ever corresponded with you, but it seems you are indeed going through a pretty tough time. All I can say is I have a lot of the same problems. I am in the depths of despair one day and not the next. I can even be meloncholic while laughing my ass off at the same time. It's tough and I wish I had a cure all answer for you and for myself.

I see you are stressed about finding a job. I am in the same boat, but I don't plan on putting a lot of pressure on myself until I feel well like I did 6 months ago before my latest episode. Is this job thing something that you must absolutely do now for financial reasons, or is it something that can wait until your rapid cycling subsides? I can't imagine going on interviews etc.. feeling the way I do now (or especially a couple months ago). Maybe this is putting undue stress on you?

At any rate, hang in there and keep a postin'

Take Care.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...