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29 days and I need to cut.


Tanya

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Its been 29 days since I last cut and scratched myself. Right now I'm just depressed and I feel like cutting. The thoughts are racing through my head and I just can't stop it. I took my medicine.

A part of me never wants to give up the cutting and another part just wants to make it 30 days.

I just fell so much emotional pain right now. To not cut I've been drinking and I have a fatty liver and I was told not to drink. damn it.

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I understand. It's ok to feel like this, I know it's terribly cheesy to say that but sometimes we all need to hear it. SI is an incredibly hard thing to deal with and recovering is more than just taking medicine- you have to learn to replace entire ways of coping and thinking with positive, healthy ways, and that takes time and work and a lot of support we don't always have.

Try to take it moment by moment when you feel this way. Instead of despairing about how will you make it another day, or another hour, concentrate on making it another minute, or if you have to, another breath. Each one is a little victory. The pain inside will get easier.

In the future, it helps to have a "plan" for when you fall on these hard times of things you can try, people you can talk to who will be supportive and are willing to be (clear this with them first so it doesn't take them by surprise!), alternatives to cutting that sound like they may help, etc. One thing for your plan might be coming to our IRC chat (the "directions" are on a board further down, scroll scroll scroll ; )

I hope you are feeling better tonight, please let us know how you are.

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  • 1 month later...

You CAN get through this. I'm at 75 days now. It's been REALLY hard for me, but you've got to keep your mind on NOT DOING IT. Write the days on a calendar that you see every day, real big, so you can note your progress. Try and stay away from drugs/alcohol because those can keep your ability to say no away (just like it can with other things). Keep a close friend at least at a phone call's reach, and if you feel like doing a BIG JOB, go to the hospital and you can ask for just observation for a few hours/whenever or just stay in the sitting room, with nothing to SI with (they may or may not just want to do the in-the-sitting room thing though) and that can keep you from having to check yourself in if you did a real bad thing.

We've been there. It's hard. Sometimes we make a mistake, but you can't let that keep you back (no matter how easy it is) because you're stronger than a razor blade (or whatever you use). Keep something around you to keep you busy. My SO uses a video game system to help with relaxation. I use art stuff, or walking (which is always helpful). There's lots of ideas around the board. Try to stay safe!! Our hearts and thoughts are with you.

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Its been 29 days since I last cut and scratched myself. Right now I'm just depressed and I feel like cutting. The thoughts are racing through my head and I just can't stop it. I took my medicine.

A part of me never wants to give up the cutting and another part just wants to make it 30 days.

I just fell so much emotional pain right now. To not cut I've been drinking and I have a fatty liver and I was told not to drink. damn it.

faith said a lot of things that i would have said, although she said it probably ten times better than i would have.

I am actually at 30 days today and I wanted to cut so bad. It has been that way for days and days now, but somehow I have made it through. 29 days is a great acheivement, Tanya. It really is a very long time if you think about it. Any span of time one can go without self-injuring is something to be proud of, really.

Sometimes cutting seems like the only real release, the only way to deal with intense emotions in the moment. It is very hard to give up habitual behaviors and we sometimes experience set backs. It is hard and just the fact that you are facing the challenge shows a lot of strength.

I understand what you mean when you say that a part of you never wants to give up cutting. I have thought about that too. The fact of the matter is, though, that there are healthier ways to deal with the pain. Unfortunately, I often find myself incapable of doing such things, although I hope to be able to in the future. I, too, have been known to substatute cutting with other activities, such as drinking. It is not a healthy way to deal with things and it can really mess with your meds.

Are you seeing a therapist currently?

This is all very hard do deal with, I know. Maybe you can see if some alternative helps you deal or try to find some distraction to take your mind off of yourself for a bit. Remember that every little bit is a victory.

Take care of yourself and be good...

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