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two years and i still like him!


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i've been talking to several friends about relationsips, why they do and don't work, how to make them last, and i realized how many people have a very silly notion....

if you live with someone, you can skimp on the "ps and qs" since those are for polite company.

and all i can think to tell them is.... and you wonder why your person is resenting you?? geez, you aren't even thanking them for all the things they do!

robert heinlein (my teacher on social subjects) writes that formality is far more important with your loved ones than in public, because these are the people you most want to keep on good terms with. he wrote that young people tend to think that all politeness and social niceties are lies and old fashioned and silly, but that it is the oil with which the cogs of society use to run smoothly.

he also says that the first sign of a decaying society is the lack of politeness, ps and qs, holding the door for others, etc.

lois mcmaster bujold is my other social teacher and she says the same thing. you have to have a certain formality with those you live with or you'll end up hurting each other. not that you can ever avoid hurting those you love, but you can avoid obvious pitfalls. ;)

anyway, i had a point. really i did! lol.

with mynate, i try to always thank him for doing anything. big or small. say please if i want something from him. and he does the same. and it's the first time i've done this in a relationship before. it is also the first time i've lived with someone and not resented them within six months. i think there may be a connection.

has anyone else experienced this? or noticed how pissed you get at someone who isn't polite, but you'll take the same behavior from someone who IS polite? (i've noticed that at work - say please and thank you and i'm ten times more likely to help you out, even if you're pissed off.)

just my thought of the day...

abi

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Abi, I didn't see this when you first posted it.

Yes, civility and respect will help a relationship, no doubt about it. When people take each other for granted, or speak in an insulting way, or ignore hygiene and manners.......well, it's the beginning of the end.

If you don't respect each other, the relationship will never last.

If you DO respect each other, then you should be treating each other with care and kindness. Apologize after you quarrel. Take care of the other one when he or she is sick. Thank them for running an errand or making dinner.

I guess I sound like Pollyanna! ;) Oh well, a happy marriage will do that to ya!

olga

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a.m. : another RAH fan ;)

hiya olga! it's not just a polyanna thing. although i think the assumption that manners are "polyanna" explains a lot about this society, doesn't it? mostly this post just stemmed from numerous conversaions with people at work and my ind being boggled that manners are disappearing...

abifae

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ummmmm.......what is RAH?

AM, I'm all for big bites. heh... Roman candles, too.

abifae, people don't get it that basic courtesy makes life more pleasant for everyone. If we all shout in loud voices and spit on the sidewalk and push ahead in lines and behave unkindly......well, what an unnpleasant society.

Kinda like being in junior high school again.

olga

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I have a friend of over 20 years who never got it Abi. He was always good to his friends, but his girlfriend were treated like garbage once they got past the "honeymoon" stage. I told him...

"Hey stupid! You should be treating your girlfriends AT LEAST as well as your friends. If you were smart, you would treat them even better!"

But to him, once he got 'em, he didn't have to "try" anymore.

He had the nerve to wonder why he always got dumped after about a year. His first marriage only lasted about 2 years, but I doubt it would have gone that long if they hadn't had a son. His current wife is miserable and they have split up and got back together several times.

Unfortunately, my dad seems to have a similar philosophy. Charm, courtesy, and effort was something you saved up for strangers and friends. No need to waste it on family. After all, they HAVE to love you because they are family...right?

Wrong! My dad has been married 3 times and is now living with a new woman (poor thing), and I am the only one of his 3 kids that still talks to him.

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i don't think we can underestimate the importance of civility and kindness towards each other, even when we don't feel like it.

at least the civility part if we feel like crap.

we need our friends and loved ones for their support and unconditional love. well, conditions do come up if you're constantly mean to someone and they don't think you care. or if you take someone for granted.

civility and kindness should spring from the heart, but can be forced when we don't feel like it. we need to show people that they are important in our lives, and in our culture, this is an important way to do it.

i personally have to remind myself to say please and thank you, especially to my mom, who i do sometimes take for granted. since i don't have my dad anymore i know i need to put even more emphasis on my mom, but sometimes i don't because she's "mom" and that's what moms do. i need to remember to always be civil and kind and loving to her, and i do get better results than when i flip into brat mode (sometimes happens, even when you're 28).

when i worked, that was especially true of coworkers. asking them questions or for favors when they were busy was a bad thing, but approaching it right when they had the time would almost always work. the key is in your manners.

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The bestest thing you can give your mate is friendship and communication. Respect and laughter help to...and did I forget the surprise hugs and kisses ;) My Drew and I have had quite the adventure in 18!!! years , so we must be doing something right :)

respect and keeping up with good manners does not go out of style, even though society, by and large seems to have forgotten this. Do what you're doing... You're doing fine

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olga: Robert A Heinlein, scifi author extraordinaire ;) my favorite author and one of the few people able to explain social rules to me (through his books, although i'd met him several times before his passing away). one of the nice things about being in a military town is that (during the day at least) there is a higher level of politeness from all of the uniformed people at my work. i've never had anyone rude to me in a uniform yet. it's the rich people who think they're so important that are the issue :cussing: and junior high school reflects how i feel about leaving my house quite well!!

wifezilla: so how did YOU learn about it? my dad taught me, and the military. and RAH.

loon: that is why everyone is amazed at me at work. they say "no matter your mood you are always so polite to customers and able to keep calm and how do you do that?" and i just think.... how can you stop being polite just because you have a bad day? that's when you need it the most! i had to live with my father (the man who raised me) and his wife (psycho soulless bitch) for half a year two years ago and i think it annoyed the step mom wonderfully that i never lost my manners no matter how rude she was. she ended up looking like a total asshole being rude and snapping at me and i would calmly listen and answer politely. i kept telling her, i'm staying at your house, so i'm following your rules. what else do you want from me? it confused her. lol. so manners can be a good weapon against those who dislike you.

panz: good manners shouldn't go out of style. i'm autistic and even i can understand the need for politeness, even being as abrupt and blunt as i am! eighteen years! that's awesome :wtf: i tend to be old fashioned in a lot of ways anyway... so i'll add politeness and expecting the boy to open the door for me to the list :)

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But to him, once he got 'em, he didn't have to "try" anymore.

Fuckers. THEN when you finally get up the nerve to dump this schmo, they come back like "Ohh, I'll be good, remember how great I was?" and you take them back, and all is good for about a week tops then they are back to assholes???? Yeah, I have been suckered in by this more times than I want to admit. By the same guy. Irrational love sucks.

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