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1 yr ago today I committed myself to my first inpatient stay. I am having SERIOUS deja vu. It's almost like my heart and soul are right back there - feeling the anxiety, the terror, the wanting to hurl myself off a cliff. It is bad. Very bad. The connective tissue between the same days of different years is historically thin for me. I committed myself 2 days after the 1 yr anniversary of an extremely traumatic experience in my life.

My head is fucking with me. Hard. My first instinct is to drug myself up hardcore (this was also a part of why I went into the hospital last year - affinity to self medicate). I have some klonopin that I STOLE from my epileptic friend, and some oxycodone that I STOLE from her sister who has no colon or something.

Helpitty help help.

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I truly believe our bodies can unconsciously hold on to traumatic events and we can reexperience trapped emotions on the anniversary of the date of trauma.

No real scientific proof for that....but it just seems to be the case in many people's lives.

This sucks. I hope that you can find some relief and peace at some point today.

And you know the drill.

NONE of these feelings are permanent. It's all a temporary physiological reaction. That doesn't make it any easier to ride the wave during the difficult moments....but reminding your self about the impermanence of it all may bring some hope.

But I know all about self medication. And sometimes we need to take a break from the incessant hell our minds are creating.

Moderation.

Keep us posted.

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Anniversaries are hard for a lot of us. I know the first anniversary of my major break was about this hard because I was still out of work, none of the meds or therapy was working and everything seemed to be just like it was the year before. AKA -- deja vu

The thing was though, it wasn't. I had a support network I didn't have before. So, I called my Pdoc and my therapist and let them know what was going on. They told me what I was going through was pretty common. And that these feelings/moods would indeed pass.

You're not a bad person, you're just scared. We all get that way. You might want to call your Pdoc or your Tdoc and let them know what's going on?

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Fortunately and completely coincidentally, I have appts with both tdoc & pdoc today. If I can get through work. I may go home at some point and sit comatose on the couch.

(edited to add) good news: cute fedex guy just looked at my ass. I take it as a compliment.

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i don't remember the exact dates of things so clearly, like when bad thing happened or even good ones (like i can't honestly remember my wedding date to my ex husband- i THINK auguest 3rd), and i also can't remember hospital admission dates.

but i do remember the time of year. i remember being in the hospital the day before new year's, on the 4th of july, for thanksgiving- i've been in the hospital it seems like on every holiday. it just so happens that the holiday happens during my stay.

but i know what you mean about the anniversaries. i'm celebrating 1 year hospital-free after thanksgiving this year. w00t!

i'm sorry that you're feeling that same feeling that made you have to go to the hospital in the first place. my memories are happy, because i'm proud to not be there anymore. maybe try to frame it in that light. look at how far you've come since then! look at how you've shown yourself, and the world, that SG is here to stay! like wtih the anniversary of the death of a loved one or a better anniversary, that of the day of our birth, we remember what happened before. hopefully you can re-relate your feelings to remembering that of the good, that you're NOT there, you're HERE. THIS is your life now, you've overcome so much to get to where you are, from where you were in the hospital.

i feel your pain. the pain that drives you to the psych ward isn't pretty- been there enough times.

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I too, get really depressed on anniversaries. I remember exact dates that certain things that happened, even 3o-some years ago and the anniversaries always bring on a really intense depression. They are not all anniversaries of bad things either; some are the days that really great things happened with someone who no longer cares. I find that all I can do is hang on and weather the storm of horrible feelings until they pass and I am just my normally severely depressed self.

Tommy

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well, glad your calmer & very glad you aren't going apeshit, hurting yourself or needing to be committed again.

anniversaries are HARD for some people. be kind to yourself & just, if you can, ride this wave out. i think you'll come out ok on the otherside. think of what an accomplishment it will be to not go down into the pit.

pm or drop in on my springer thread if you want to chat & get some distraction. sometimes, just getting through it minute by minute until the date passes is the best, although the yuckies, solution.

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I caved and took 10mg of oxycodone. I feel much better. And a little high.

Thank you all for just being around. Kumbaya.

a little? lol. uh hey you i was wondering where u were, hadnt heard from u since saturday ("im drunkkkkk im gonna go pass out" hehe).. just got back from the pdoc. holla

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Damn--I hate being an expensive date--oxy does NOTHING for me, absolutely nothing.

My body chemistry really sux-- I have forgotten what its like to get high. Did get a little woozy last year on the 15 Klonopin I took to get me admitted to the PWard. But not even really sleepy.

My liver hates me.

china

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I know how anniversaries feel.

10/24/05 was the date I had my first attack of psiMS, which led to me getting fired from my job in Baltimore.

Last Thursday was the anniversary of the date I got fired (11/9/2005). Specifically, verbally abused, emotionally sliced, self-esteem diced, for 2 hours.

Right about this particular time last year (or say about next week), I was curled up on my bed at my parents' house in Indiana while visiting for Thanksgiving, bawling and screaming. (I was still living in Baltimore and looking for a job in Maryland until March, when I moved down to Georgia.)

Yeah, fall's not a happy anniversary time for me, even though it's my favorite season weather-wise.

Wish you the best.

--fous ;)

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How are you feeling now, Gwen?
I'm at work and I don't want to be. I am feeling the panicky feeling and can't do a damn thing about it (out of oxy). Doc gave me trazadone yesterday and I took 50mg last night at 8 and still didn't go to bed until almost midnight. This is unacceptable as I can tell that I am exhausted and need to sleep for an entire day. I may actually go home. I threatened to yesterday, but the narcotics got me through. I have so much stuff to do at work, it just adds to the panic, if not creates it.

I was feeling a little better last night after talking to pdoc and tdoc, but now stuck at work staring at a computer, the thoughts are coming again. Dammit. Shhhhhhhh brain. Be quiet.

Pdoc also increased my effexor to 262.5 for a week, then possibly to 300 after that. It tends to be activating for me so I'm not hopeful. He mentioned a benzo but he knows about my tendency to abuse meds (nahhhh, not me) so who knows. I was *this* close to stealing ambien from his office when he was in the other room processing my credit card. I'm a little relieved and yet a little pissed that I didn't.

Yeah, fall's not a happy anniversary time for me, even though it's my favorite season weather-wise.
I feel exactly this way. Sucks.

I find that all I can do is hang on and weather the storm of horrible feelings until they pass and I am just my normally severely depressed self.
I am trying to do this. I just thought of the part in Forest Gump when Gary Sinese's character is on top of the mast of the shrimpin' boat during the hurricane, screaming at god to give him all he's got. I am not feeling that ballsy.

I found that trying to focus on the present can pull me out of the trancelike state for a little. I think I have to actually talk about it with another person though, so I'm screwed today.

Anyway - thanks all. GOod to know others go through this.

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I've been pretty happy on 225, but have had some anxiety creeping up on me for the last few months. Perhaps it's hypomania, but I think it is mostly situational because of time of year, my work SUCKING MOTHER FUCKING DONKEY BALLS (pardon the outburst), my best friend's wedding, and the dates thing. Personally, I say give me something anti-anxiety or whatever for use PRN, but w/ my addiction issues I guess my doc wants to try this first.

I have gotten the feeling that this doc increases meds willy nilly, despite what dosages have been tested or whatever. He is hte one who had me on 40mg (even tried 60) of lexapro and then another doc freaked that it was way too much. Good to know these people are just arbitrarily fucking with my liver.

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I've been pretty happy on 225, but have had some anxiety creeping up on me for the last few months. Perhaps it's hypomania, but I think it is mostly situational because of time of year, my work SUCKING MOTHER FUCKING DONKEY BALLS (pardon the outburst), my best friend's wedding, and the dates thing. Personally, I say give me something anti-anxiety or whatever for use PRN, but w/ my addiction issues I guess my doc wants to try this first.

I have gotten the feeling that this doc increases meds willy nilly, despite what dosages have been tested or whatever. He is hte one who had me on 40mg (even tried 60) of lexapro and then another doc freaked that it was way too much. Good to know these people are just arbitrarily fucking with my liver.

no big deal with the liver thing, sounds reasonable to try 40 or even 60mg of lexapro. i think the zoloft is better for my anxiety issues than effexor, but then again i also take clonazepam. this strattera (hits the NE reuptake like high dose effexor) seems to make me just feel weird (brain zap-type shit and feeling a little tired) but i just got started.

i dont think clonazepam or another benzo would so much cause addiction (i.e. taking more than prescribed) so much as dependence - needing the shit to calm down, and having some worsening of anxiety after stopping it, followed by the return of normal anxiety. could be helpful with therapy too, so u can talk more about other issues instead of how stressed you are day to day.

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