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It's suddenly hit me


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Maybe it's because I'm depressed at the moment but it's suddenly hit me that this is forever.

Cancer can often be cured. I was lucky and mine has (as far as I'm aware) totally gone. This isn't going to go away.

When I was first Dxed I was happy as it explained why I felt and acted as I did. Now it worries me - not the diagnosis, the illness. It severly impaired my studies last year, but what is worse is that however well I may be and however well I may be coping, everybody will always think of me as 'that manic depressive girl'. I know that I have to tell people about it, just incase I go mad in one way or another, but I know that this will cause them to view me as potentially problematic. I bet I never get to sing a solo in choir this year because everybody will think that I won't be able to cope.

Please forgive me for wallowing in self pity.

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Remember: You can pick and choose who you tell how much, and when. You may have long periods where you're stable and don't need to tell anyone anything. You may have other periods when people in authority need to know, but not your classmates or co-workers.

It is forever, at least now, but we'll keep getting better and better treatments.

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Thanks for the support.

It was necessary for me to tell certain people at university due to all the crap last year. Unfortunately the people I told are the ones handing out solos! It's mainly that I worry I will not be taken seriously as they've seen me when I was at my worst.

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you could tell them that you'd really like to do a solo and ask how you could improve to be able to do so. that would put them in a position where they'd have to either tell you BS and then not give you a solo, or tell you how to improve and give you one. i think you can beat the stereotype.

now, i was fired from a job last year because i was bipolar and had to miss some work on unpaid disability. now i'm in court trying to get my salary from that time, because it was a physical disorder on a business trip that led to my bipolar episode, keeping me out of work for 2 months. that's a chunk of change!

your solos are important, and i think if you approach it correctly, you'll see that they're flexible and willing to consider you based on your abilities and not disability.

loon

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This isn't going to go away.

Yeah, that sucks. I'm crossing my fingers for menopause. I heard 1 person say that after they they were more stable. Granted I'm not even 30 and I am sure there are older women on this board who may refute me, but I'm still hoping... good luck w/ the solo...

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Thanks everybody.

I did a recital at the end of last year which I perormed to the best of my ability.

My Director of Performance, who is one of the solo dealers ( ;) ), knows I can sing and believed my voice is ok, but it was he who said he was concerned about how my state of mind might affect my ability to perform. I don't know if he still feels this way but obviously I'm worried. I got into the auditioned choir this year but he wasn't at the audition (they run over two days and I think he did the other day). He is in charge for this term and each rehearsal I keep half expecting to be told that I shouldn't be there. Obviously this is just me being paranoid. My parents suggested that I ask to sing for him as I have auditions for postgraduate courses coming up and it would be nice to have another opinion, so maybe I'll do that. He's actually a really nice guy but it doesn't stop me from being afraid.

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It severly impaired my studies last year, but what is worse is that however well I may be and however well I may be coping, everybody will always think of me as 'that manic depressive girl'.

Those that know and love you will see you as you, not your disorder. Who gives a shit about random strangers gossiping in the corridor ? F*ck them.

Remember: You can pick and choose who you tell how much, and when.

I don't know if that's the case. I've never been able to hide my mania - partly because i'm not aware that i'm ''manic'', but it's clear to everyone that i'm completely deluded !

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I have a chronic physical disorder, Crohn's, which is NEVER going to go away, and the chances are it will get worse, but not kill me. What happens? Occassionally I just shit--in the wrong places, at the wrong time, with no conttrol whatsoever.

Actually, compared to that, I think I can live with being BP Batshit. Crying as you walk around Wal-Green's is a bit odd, but shitting at your desk at work is waaaaay beyond that.

Guess it all depends on your point of view--

But it is a little daunting to know that the batshit-ness isn't going away, either--so I am stuck with two chronic, potentially "group-unfriendly" diseases.

china

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I understand the shock of it all when the realization that you're living with this disorder actually sinks in. But it's like noemie said - you get to decide how much to tell and how much to keep to yourself. And we choose, to an extent, how much we let our illnesses define us. Some cruel people might see you as "that manic-depressive girl" no matter how hard you try to break out of that box, but what's really important is that you shouldn't see yourself that way. You are not your illness. It is a part of you, but it doesn't have to be the whole thing.

;)

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BTW - in my experience, pretty much all musicians have some sort of issue. Meds, narcissim, instability... goes with the creative thing. Maybe director has been burned before and just has to be reassured that you are not going to leave him high and dry or something.

I know this from experience, I'm not just being bitchy about musicians. I dropped out of a conservatory where I was studying voice after 2 years due to my first nervous break down.

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