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Found out something about hubby yesterday. He has been conversing via Myspace messages with another woman in some very inappropriate conversations. I just found out yesterday. I am so appalled I cant cry, I can't kick him out, I can't do ANYTHING. All I do is lay there and stare off into space. I went 2 days with no meds but finally took them tonight. I don't understand how I can be so completely numb and apathetic. Of course I am hurt but shouldn't I be crying? I don't have the energy to cry. I almost wish I didn't know and could go on living in ignorant bliss. But that doesn't help the fact that my husband cannot keep from incessantly flirting with other women. I mean he asked this woman if she was going to sit next to him on a bus field trip for school which started at 530 am. He said "well you know its going to be dark, hehe" and she said "Oh ho things happen in the dark..." This bitch is always sending him messages saying "hey hunk' or Hey sexy or "your a bad little boy you know"

Its just not right. He has nothing to say other than he's sorry I can't trust him. He says he doesnt think I love him enough and its not true. He says he's never touched the woman, ever. I just dont' know what to do other than crawl under the covers and pray I fall asleep and die.

I did ask him to leave but he came back. I don't have the energy or desire to fight anymore. But I can't give in. His behavior is inexcusable.

So anyone have any advice for a whiny, apathetic self-loathing woman?

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His excuse that he has never touched this other person is not relevant. He is lavishing attention on her. This is what is hurting you.

These problems are complicated, and although I'm not defending your husband's behavior (no argument that it is wrong) you need to work out the reasons for it so it can stop.

It sounds like some therapy together would be helpful. For starters he needs to admit there is a problem.

I wish you the best in this. If that is your daughter in the picture, you must have a lovely family, and they are worth any effort to keep your scene together.

Best,

Alice

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So anyone have any advice for a whiny, apathetic self-loathing woman?

I don't think I have much advice for you, except for the fact that you're transferring your husband's deserved loathing onto yourself. Please reinforce to yourself that he is the problem and not you.

I only feel I have expertise in that area since I'm a guy (though I'm 23, probably a bit younger than your DH). Looking at the situation from his side of things, I can't see how any guy (including him or myself) could act like that. A married man. And I assume he believes that your marriage is solid and peaceful (whether or not that is the case is up to you two).

I hope one of his male buds finds out... at least in my social circles, that kind of stuff was definitely considered "not cool" and the offender would get smacked upside the head and forced to apologize. "Asshole" is a term I have used before towards a friend who did something pretty similar to his girl. Of course, I'm talking dating here and not marriage, so your mileage will vary.

I've only been cheated on once, and unfortunately it happened in my only serious relationship ever. She was on a monthlong high school band field trip to Europe and ended up making out with this Swiss guy. And telling me about it rather soon after she got back. Interestingly, she didn't realize what was wrong until the second she told me it happened. We made out up pretty soon thereafter, and the weird thing is that in retrospect, I find the incident slightly amusing whereas she would prefer to think it'd never happened.

[Epilogue: We broke up a few months later after I went to college since we eventually decided that we were both too high-maintenance for it to work out with 300 miles between us. We're still friends and keep in regular contact, and I REALLY pissed her off a few months ago when she made a comment about the Swiss being friendly. Yep, they're reeeeeeeal friendly. hehehehe]

And as far as the apathy, that's common when we're under stress. I routinely inform people to "fuck off" when I'm feeling down like in your situation, since I'd rather not deal with their problems AND mine simultaneously. And like you, it's hard for me to even deal with my own problems while I'm in that mood. Depression gives us issues, and then we get the double whammy that it makes us less competent to handle those issues. Thus, it sucks, but you probably knew that already...

whoops sorry, I said earlier I didn't have much advice... well I didn't have much advice, but I'm good at churning out fodder at least...

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Seems to me that you are blaming yourself for HIS decidedly un-married type behavior. Uh, he's acting like a 14 year old--I think I would do a bit more than whine, I would be having a little "come to jesus" with boy-toy. YOU have done nothing to be whiney and self-loathing!!!

I have never been in this situation, but I think it warrents a talk--and you need to be strong, and convinced of what you will accept and what you won't. Whiney and pathetic won't cut it, kiddo. You gotta set some limits, whatever is comfortable for both of you. I would consider this emotional adultary, but you may not. But you need to talk to YOUR therapist and figure out whats OK with you and whats not, then talk to him. If he insists on being a 14 year old with his own truck, maybe couples therapy.

Apathy is normal--if you really get into how you feel about this, it sounds like you may be into dangerous territory, and I'd do this with a therapist.

You need to set some limits, and work on sticking to them--and your pdoc (if he's a talker) or a therapist is what you need. Just you--include him later if he seems receptive. If not, and your limits are he stops acting like a horney teenager or he leaves, then you gotta be strong and help him pack.

PLEASE don't spend 2 seconds on what "you're "Not giving him to make him behave this way." Thats BS--he chose this behavior. You are not to blame, in any way. Please know that, and remember that!

blessings,

china

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yeah, this isn't a YOU issue, it is a HIM issue. why is a married man acting that way, especially after his wife says she doesn't like it? if you were ok with it and if you saw it as harmless flirting, then that would be one thing. but the feeling you get from it is that it isn't innocent, and you don't like it, so he needs to respect your feelings and stop. :cussing:;)

it may be time to first talk to your tdoc about it, and then maybe bring him in with you and your tdoc to discuss the situation. i've brought in people to talk to my tdoc with me before. she just mediates/helps facilitate our conversation.

i know you don't have the energy to even cry. don't pressure yourself into feeling any given way. just accept how you feel, whether it is dejection or apathy, hurt or worse, and let-live with yourself.

make him sleep on the couch! :)

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You all are so good to me :cussing:

I swear to God he said "I'll stop talking to her, but I don't plan to stop flirting" :)

He's coming out and saying he's not happy, we got married for the wrong reasons, and blah blah he thinks he wants a divorce etc etc. It all my fault because all I do is bitch and yell at him and I don't show him enough love. WTF does he want me to do? He goes to nursing school FT and works FT and is always gone. How do you show love 2 someone you never see? He doesn't answer his phone when I call so yeah, I get a little pissy when I finally get ahold of him. I have to talk fast to fit in everything I need to say and STILL get cut off mid sentence. ;) When he's done listening its over. There is no more talking. He is just expecting me to just get over this whole thing. Because its normal for me to stay mad for about 5 minutes and then get over it.

I would tell his male buddies, except he only really has one and HE just got busted for fucking around on his wife with someone he worked with. Left his wife, a 2 year old and a newborn baby. So he obviously has no morality. He won't be any help to me.

I am in need of some balls. I put in a call to make an appt with Tdoc. Havent seen him in a few months because nothing has been going on. Hope I can get in b4 thankgiving. I could go on forever but I think I'll stop here. Thank you so much for your advice/support! I hope things work out.

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I put in a call to make an appt with Tdoc. Havent seen him in a few months because nothing has been going on.
Very good. My first reaction was to suggest this. If you are not able to communicate w/ dh (fh? fuckhead?) then therapy is THE place to go with him.

That is, if he wants to work on the relationship. Hopefully he does.

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as herrfous says, this guy has a sandy vagina and needs to be properly cleansed. does he have a mega douche? ;)

it seems like you need some therapy on your own, and to drag him into couple's counseling (hopefully he will make time in this ultra-busy life to do so). make the point that you love him, and that he works so much it is hard to maintain the relationship, and that you have a daughter together. hopefully he'll step up to the plate and be a man.

otherwise, HE has no balls, and why would you want a man who won't respect his wife and kid? what he was saying to her was very inappropriate and would make me think they're either having an affair or he's thinking about wanting to have one. expressly stop that before it starts. if he feels righteous about it, nothing will stop him.

couple's counseling, and a trip on your own to the tdoc, should hopefully help this situation (IF he'll make the time to cooperate). also make the point that at one time he was crazy for you and you could have it again if you took the time- it is a lot easier and less painful than divorce.

i'm divorced, and it wasn't easy at all. i paused a long time before i signed those papers. we had been apart for 2 years, so i couldn't blame him for asking for a divorce, but i still had to think about fighting it and trying to reconcile or not. ask any of your divorced friends- it is harder than it seems.

best of luck

loon

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