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Relationships are terrifying


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I have always had a built-in expectation that I will be rejected. This happens even when all signs point to someone really liking me.

Well, I recently met someone who I have TONS in common with...and he was crazy about me from day one. He did all of the things that guys do when they are really interested. A few weeks ago we agreed to be exclusive.

So...the last time we hung out he started talking about his exes, including one who he talks about often. I started getting really insecure and told him that this bothers me, and could he please try not to do it. That was fine, but then I started to reveal inner insecurities that until now I have been pretty good about keeping to myself. I mentioned that "I need a lot of love, I need to feel that someone who's with me is only thinking about me," etc etc. Now I'm afraid that this might have freaked him out. Our relationship has been going GREAT, but we're not at a point where "love" has been mentioned. So I'm afraid my whole, "I'm insecure, I need love and reassurance" thing might not have gone over so well. I'm not sure what his reaction was because he was going out of town and this happened right before he left.

I didn't say this in a mean or confrontional way, but I DID reveal things about myself that are best kept secret, or at least kept under wraps until your relationship has a very solid foundation. But since I always get so stressed out when a relationship is starting, sometimes these insecurities bubble up and I can't control them.

I really feel that these needy, insecure thoughts are "unacceptable" and this creates a lot of pressure because I feel I have to hide them. Of course you don't want to tell someone *everything* you're thinking and feeling from day one, but this is worse...it really feels like a dirty, shameful secret that sometimes just comes out at the wrong time.

Do you think I've made a big mistake? How can I silence these insecure thoughts and words so as not to turn away people who otherwise would be really into me?? I will really hate myself if I've screwed up another great relationship opportunity by stressing out and saying the wrong things.

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I really feel that these needy, insecure thoughts are "unacceptable" and this creates a lot of pressure because I feel I have to hide them....How can I silence these insecure thoughts and words so as not to turn away people who otherwise would be really into me??

This sounds to me like a serious therapy moment. Until you work through your insecurities and find new ways to cope with them, you wont be able to have a healthy relationship. What is your current pdoc/tdoc arrangement?

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I have to agree with Wifezilla, if your needy insecure side is dominating your relationships then maybe it is a tdoc issue and no relationships till it is sorted. It sucks I know, I am not well enough for a relationships according to my tdoc and sometimes that is hard to accept. But I think it is better to wait and work stuff out rather than just blast through relationships being controlled by neurosis.

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But since I always get so stressed out when a relationship is starting, sometimes these insecurities bubble up and I can't control them.
Amen sister. I usually end up trying to convince guys that I have issues and they should really think twice or three times about dating me, but it never works. I seem super cool at first, but really I am lulling them into a false sense of security. Then, when they are good and committed, BAM! I throw chemical dependency, meds, instability and mental hospitals at them. Mua ha ha. Maybe at first they think I am all different and smart and creative, maybe a rebel to be tamed, but really I am just crazy in a bad way. Sucks to be them.

How's that for self-loathing insecurities???

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Hi all,

I'm interested in everyone's opinions, but really I want to "heal" at the same time that I date. I think if I can get a better handle on controlling the anxiety when it gets out of control, e.g. with thought-stopping techniques or similar, it will be less of a problem. Seriously, if I wait until I'm "healthy" to have a relationship, I may be looking for my next boyfriend at the local retirement home ;) I have my screwed up childhood to thank for that.

Speaking of healthy, I think I'm much much much healthier than ever before. I have learned to state my feelings in a positive and non-attacking way and I have conquered my temper to the point where it's no longer a problem. The ONE big problem right now is that there's something about the "unknown" about a relationship that's in the early stages that triggers my sensitivity to being rejected, and sometimes I see rejection when it isn't even there. I think it's due to the fact that you just have to let go and you have no control over the other person or how they feel...I find this truly terrifying!

If you guys have any suggestions for how to take a step back when this happens or distract myself, I'd love to hear them!

Hugs,

Devon

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well, when he comes back you'll know whether you scared him off or not. if not, then you've got someone who is really steady, who is going to be there.

if not, then you know that either 1.) he sucks or 2.) you just need to do the tdoc thing and relax a bit more, especially in the opening of a relationship, or 3.) all of the above.

no matter what, even if he comes back and you guys are fine, it is still something to examine with your tdoc. why do you feel compelled to tell people all about this sensitive stuff? it is a boundaries issue.

most of us agree that if you reveal too much, too soo, that you risk scaring someone off before they have the chance to know you and put your confessions in context. i like what supergwen said about how she warns them and then springs it on them that she's a nutjob!!! hahahah

loony in love ;)

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The ONE big problem right now is that there's something about the "unknown" about a relationship that's in the early stages that triggers my sensitivity to being rejected, and sometimes I see rejection when it isn't even there. I think it's due to the fact that you just have to let go and you have no control over the other person or how they feel...I find this truly terrifying!

If you guys have any suggestions for how to take a step back when this happens or distract myself, I'd love to hear them!

Hugs,

Devon

You seem to have issues regarding rejection (real or imagined), welcome to my world, it's something I've been going through my whole life. Things I've learnt along the way is that being needy or clingy is a major turn off for guys. And you have to have trust. I strongly agree with the other posters, you need therapy to get to the bottom of this and find new ways of thinking and functioning.

You can either stay in a relationship while you do this, or not be in one, either way but you must get help. I'm 38 and I'm still f*ked, due to my screwed up childhood (attachment issues w mother, who rejected me in favour of the other siblings). It's not until now that I'm getting help and starting the long process of healing. Until then, I choose not to be in a relationship. I'm attractive and well educated, but big issues from childhood that still affect me now.

Don't wait and suffer as long as I did. Therapy is an absolute must.

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