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Despair is my secret lover.

It has been for almost a month now, but it is unyielding at the moment. Oppressive. Like humidity weighing on your skin in summer.

Why is it so hard to take care of myself? Why is it so hard to connect with others?

I went on a date last night, and now I feel invisible. People can suck.

I just wanted to tell someone.

M.

Paxil, Oxazepram

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ok soooooo

do you embrace being alllll despairish?

you went on a date

that means you are DOING stuff

so even though

the date didn't end positively

so anyway tdoc, pdoc appts?

dx's?

hi nice to meet you M

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i think it may be time for a medication adjustment. if this has been going on for months, it is time to let your pdoc know so you can have your meds adjusted.

did your date do anything do directly make you feel bad, or is it just your depression talking?

you're seeing the world through the lense of your depression, you know that. you're seeing yourself through that lense too when you say "i suck". you don't suck, it is your depression making you say that.

so talk with your doctor about a medication adjustment.

health and wealth

loon

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Despair is my secret lover.

It has been for almost a month now, but it is unyielding at the moment. Oppressive. Like humidity weighing on your skin in summer.

Why is it so hard to take care of myself? Why is it so hard to connect with others?

I went on a date last night, and now I feel invisible. People can suck.

I just wanted to tell someone.

M.

Paxil, Oxazepram

Sucks. You are officially one of us. Welcome and wallow.

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Supergwen writes, "Sucks. You are officially one of us. Welcome and wallow."

Gwen: You made me smile - truly.

Loon: I agree. Time for a medication adjustment. (Is pdoc the shrink? And tdoc the therapist? Y'all have your own vocabulary going on. ) I am a few months into having both in my life on a consistent basis. Well ... as an adult. I do not have appointments with them until early next month, but I will ask him then.

Yes, my date did something directly to make me feel bad. That said, my depression is using the incident as an example of how worthless I am. Not a helpful point of view, not a compassionate point of view.

Despair, despair, despair. I try not to take it seriously, but sometimes I struggle. This is one of those times.

(Random offering of gratitude: I am grateful for the companionship I have found in the posts here. I have been reading off and on for a long time.)

Blah, DG

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I know where you are at in life, I am there right now, and see no end to my depression. First off, I would never commit suicide, though thoughts of it, and thoughts of my death seem to permeate my daily thoughts. But I have about had it with this depression; I can't take it any more. I wake up feeling like shit, like I hadn't slept at all. I dread doing anything; shaving, showering, cooking wholesome food. My entire body aches, and feels like I am carrying a one-ton weight around. I despise going to work, even though I love what I do, and I am very good at what I do (sorry for the bragging). I have tried dozens of antidepressants, and none have worked. The only thing that helps is Remeron for my sleep, which is the only thing that helps me get to sleep on a regular basis. I wonder how long I can go on like this, and see no hope in medication ever. ECT scares the living shit out of me, not because of the old stereotypes of it's torture-like process in the movies, but the memory loss frightens me; I have an incredible memory, it's one of the few things I am sharp at in life, and any loss of it would be unacceptable.

Sorry for my rambling, but there are other people out there suffering like you, and I wish you well and hope life improves for you. I know it is unbelievably hard to have treatment-resistant depression, and any sympathy or empathy from 99% of the population is damn near hard to come by.

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I suck at giving advice to make people feel better, but I'll let you know that most of us have been there and know the feeling.

BTW, a pdoc is a doctor who studied to become a psychiatrist and a tdoc is a therapist. Pdoc is in charge of your meds, and the tdoc does therapy.

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yay you're going to therapist

hope you have a good one

and please share if anything works well for you

How about...hmmm

any hobies or entertainment or 'stuff' that makes /made you feel happy?

me too

fighting despair most of life...withOUT help

meds really take the edge off, for me, anyway

just to share, my family has depression goin' on

I stopped counting @ 5 suicides

and I get real wacko about the subject

because I've seen cousins really really need their moms as they were struggling with life...

anyway my idea is

when/IF I ever feel true dispair of wanting to take even one more day on

\that's when I will seek out some sort of d a n g e r o u s activity

really that thought helps me

I'll take up a sport that is life threatening

or in a pinch just walk thru a dangerous part of a city

my hope is I'll feel glad to be alive

or get the snot kicked outta me...

glad you are still here

and see there are many to help you thru this period

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I was despairing around this time last year. I wasn't suicidal but I did wonder if there was a point in living.

What changed me? A therapist who understood that I was more than my suffering, and a psychiatrist who didn't blow me off. It IS possible to get better, but it's not possible overnight. Expecting quick results will frustrate the hell out of you, but I think we all fall prey to that when we are depressed. The journey starts with baby steps and it doesn't really end if you want to stay better.

More than anything, you've got to want to be better. You have to be willing to accept help, and you have to know that you may not like what your help tells you sometimes. You have to be able to trust that help and when you are depressed that can seem like the most difficult thing in the world.

What your date did to make you feel bad, you don't say, but remember that your date doesn't define you. You define you.

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