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I'm a complete screw-up.

I slacked off in school, let my depression get the best of me, and my shitty gpa has led to a rejection letter from the grad school program I applied for. I'm done with undergrad after this semester, but it doesn't seem like any sort of accomplishment. I don't deserve a degree, as I haven't been able to pay attention to much for the last 3 years. I've failed so many classes. So after this semester, in less than a month, I will lose my on-campus apartment and my on-campus job. And all access to my pdocs. I have no money, nowhere to go, no job prospects or furniture, no hope. I'm about to be homeless again.

I worked so hard just to get to college. I'm not only letting myself down, but my whole family. My youngest brother is The Golden Child, whereas I'm The Screw-up. The other brother's wildly successful. Talk about pressure, being the failure.

I don't see my therapist until the 29th. Yes, I could get an emergency appointment, but therapy hasn't done a thing for me yet in 3 years, so would it really make a difference? This stress is taking its toll on my body. I don't care enough to deal with any of my classes, even the one class that I need to pass in order to graduate. Normally, I'd handle things by getting drunk, but I'm too broken to even do that.

The good news is that I'm surprisingly not suicidal. I haven't cried yet or broken down. But I'm headed there. I couldn't even call my parents to tell them; I had to say it in an email. "Mom, I'm not good enough for grad school." If I say it outloud, I'll lose it. Can't even say it outloud to myself.

So I'm basically a mess. It's been five years ago since I lost everything and had to start over again. This will be the fourth time in 11 years. I'm too young to be this worn down. I feel like I'm doomed, like my life has to reflect the sine wave rollercoaster that is bipolar disorder.

I don't have anyone else to talk to about this stuff, and you guys will understand my lameass bipolar rantings better than anyone else. God knows my family would never understand. So thanks for listening.

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ok, i think i know what i'm talking about...

isn't there a way that your pdoc can write to the school explaining the situation? (if you want it explained!)

i know about change. my job ran out last week. looking at the want ads is depressing and i'm just not ready to give up my comfort zone. i don't want to meet new people, learn new skills and so on.

you've got a double whammy. it can be so daunting. you are probably still in shock.

i guess i just look at it as what is supposed to happen. i really had it made for awhile. someone decided that i needed a challenge. (i don't want one!)

don't know if i helped. just feel ya.

use all resources at your disposal. there may be more than you thought.

kathy

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i agree, you could enclose a letter explaining your situation (from your pdoc) and ask for an interview, so they can meet the real you and not just rely on a gpa. it is only a number.

have you taken tests? those tests would be important too. any numbers in your favor will, well, work to your favor. the tofel? i took the miller analogy test, something that most grad students take when entering phd programs, and i got an 89th percentile. i'm jsut so proud of myself- you need a boost like that- get cracking and get some positive test numbers! i studied several study guides and took a lot of practice tests and i think it really prepared me for the real thing. some of the questions were even the same!

best of luck you you. maybe you could try an easier grad program and prove yourself there, and move up in the world? i don't know. grad admissions isn't the problem for me, it is finance, since my student loans are in default (and being rehabilitated).

if you get into grad school, you should be able to seemlessly move into a new place and not be homeless. i bet if the review boards understand your situation you'll have an easier time getting in. you also may want to include an essay or something, if they don't have you write one already. send as much info as possible, above what they already call for if possible.

what are you going to school to be? --> oh duh, a librarian--> duh! lol

edited to add-

my family fawns all over my younger (younger by 2 years, she's 26 and i'm 28) cousin because she has 2 kids, is married, just bought a house, and went to night school to become an MD assistant. i know what that's like to be compared! i've just learned to be proud of my own abilities and accomplishments, and screw them. think of this- even though your gpa may not be the highest, you're graduating from college, right? you've made it through undergrad! that's a lot for a bipolar person. it took me 4 1/2 years to do my degree. my sophormore year sucked (2.8) because i was depressed and just couldn't do it.

and about drinking- you know that especially in the following 2 days, it causes worse depression. it is a vicious cycle. don't get trapped in it. start to try to reorganize your thoughts, so instead of thinking of yourself as a loser, frame it in terms of what you have accomplished, despite your MI. that is a far greater achievement, as far as i'm concerned, than that of someone who is successful because they skate through life. and we all know those people. try to be easier on yourself and the rest will follow i think.

if you can't get into school now, you could always attempt to stay in undergrad another semester to raise your gpa if you can, and keep your place to live. it would buy you time, if you can do it. i did it.

loon

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Bipolarbeary,

What a disapointment, not getting into grad school. Don't give up on your immediate goal, finishing your bachelors. You are in the home stretch with only a few weeks to go. You haven't made it this far without having something on the ball.

Now, the next couple months are no doubt daunting, but I know you will work it out, without being homeless or starving.

It's end of the first semester and plenty of kids will be dropping out, and plenty of other will be looking for roomates help pay the rent.

One thing I can assure you is that very few people lead perfectly planned lives. Life isn't like that. It has twists, turns and surprises that may take you to your original destination in a circuitous path, or to other destinations.

Get a job for now, any job. Personally, I think people should go and work in the real world before going to grad school, but hey. I see from your signature that you want to be a librarian. Volunteer, or get a job at the city library, or find a job at your school library, and start learining the trade. You will build your resume and make connections for references. There are plenty of other schools that you can apply to in a couple years. You might consider doing a part time degree or classes in a complimentary field, like business (even libraries need people to do budgets, manage assets and people, etc).

There are a hundred ways to get to your destination. Don't let this temporary set back kick your teeth in.

best, a.m.

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