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I'm sorry to repeat a question I asked in another post but I got little response and I feel like I am the only psycho who is like this. I am also manic as hell right now and need to type.

I get these bad thoughts of suicide and homicide and I never tell a soul (except now). Is this abnornal. Should I tell my pdoc? I have a very hard time vocalizing the things that i think about. Some are so bad and so crazy.

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If you are manic you should call your pdoc immediately! Like first thing in the morning. Your pdoc should take immediate action to see you or adjust/give you meds to get slowed down. Mania and mixed states are urgent conditions that should not wait.

Yes, you absolutely should tell your pdoc about suicidal and homicidal ideations. They are are part of the total picture of your condition, and are generally an indicator of a downward trend. I think most people find it hard to admit that they are having such thoughts. To break the ice, print out your post and hand it to your pdoc. Suicidal thoughts are pretty common if not almost universal for BP'ers. My impression is that homicidal thoughts are not so common. However, neither are a reflection on you as a bad person. It is the illness driving your mind.

Get on the phone and call your pdoc in the morning. Hope you feel better,

a.m.

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I agree with am. definately need to tell pdoc. i've heard many reccomendations to put things in writing that are hard to talk about- so yes printing out this post and any others you write, or scriblings in a notebook-share them with pdoc. it really does make it easier when it hard to share hard stuff.

i have know only of one friend who became homicidal when manic- suicidal is more common- but these feeling are especially dangerous when you are manic. if you can't reach pdoc or are unsafe please go to the er.

take good care of yourself- mrs l

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I will call my doc but he is so busy with the holidays that I couldn't even get an appt for 3 weeks and my meds run out before that. He will take the time to call them in but sometimes doesn't return phone calls because he has 3 offices all over the state of fla. Bonita Springs where I go, Coral Gables and Jacksonville. He is also a forensic Psychiatrist and apears in court a lot. I always have to wait for 3 hours when I get to the office. He drives around everyday and doesn't have much time for calls. I do like this manic feeling so i won't go to the ER untill I start to go the other way.

Does anyone hide the dark thoughts from the doc or are you all completely open books when you see your doctor. I know i should print this post and show it to him but I would feel like a baby handing him a friggin note .

I am getting so much done for once and with the holidays here that is a good thing like cooking and cleaning and shopping if i didn't have this mania i wouldn't geta damn thing done and just sit on the couch and knit all day.

Thanks for your concern but I am really fine right now.

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you just said that you are homicidal and manic, and then that you are fine. that is kind of a contradiction!

no matter how busy your pdoc is, he has to consider that you are having an emergency. if he can't see you, at least he can talk to you and adjust your meds. it only takes a short phone call to straighten it out for now.

in the meantime, if you have those kinds of thoughts, please go to the hospital. don't let it get to you. they're just as bad as suicidal thoughts, and 1 in 10 bipolar people die of suicide. would you rather be manic or in jail forever because of something you did when you snapped? we can never be sure what we're going to do when we're flying high.

i've been to the hospital for that before. i was having psychotic homicidal ideations. i knew it and right away went to the hospital. it is too risky to not admit yourself.

forget the stupid holidays. they're going to be here next year. but are you? you're more important than a turkey. go to the hospital if you have to. mr. important psychiatrist should be helping you through this anyway.

and you may want to consider another psychiatrist who doesn't have a million offices and 5 million patients. he probably doesn't even remember your name. you may want someone who can take the time to be there for you when you have a crisis.

loon

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maybe it's totally inappropriate for me to even ask, but why is homicidal ideation a problem?

or is it the mania that's the problem?

the only way i get through work is to picture horrible deaths for most of my customers (the ones that annoy me) and it gets me through with a smile on my face. i know it is bad manners to actually TELL the people you are picturing their deaths, but i don't understand why it would be a problem to think it.

so just curious and would greatly appreciate understanding this!

abifae

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abi-

i think we're talking about the difference between picturing someone's horrid, wretched death because they're a customer and you hate them vs. a true urge to kill people. i don't know if you want to leap over the counter with a knife and make your fantasies come true, but probably not, since you're not in prison right now.

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abi-

i think we're talking about the difference between picturing someone's horrid, wretched death because they're a customer and you hate them vs. a true urge to kill people. i don't know if you want to leap over the counter with a knife and make your fantasies come true, but probably not, since you're not in prison right now.

i want to all the time. the only thing stopping me is that i spent a lot of time locked up as a kid and i'm terrified of being locked up now. sometimes i have to cut myself to keep myself from cutting them up. not too often anymore, but the urge gets strong enough i throw myself into massive hallucinations of blood and stuff. which is another thing i don't tell my managers. sigh.

there are things i did as a youngster that i won't go into in any way, but suffice to say i learned well that acting out in that kind of violence gets abi in solitary confinement for a long time. so i try to be good.

but if i didn't think about it all the time, i think i would do it, because there'd be no outlet, you know?

abifae

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abi-

well, you seem to have it under some control.

would talking to your pdoc help, or not really? you've been through this before so it probably hasn't helped. if you're still in the same boat and can talk to your pdoc/tdoc about it and nothing helps, then i guess fantasize away if it stops you from actually doing it.

i had the ideation once over my ex step bitch. i checked myself into the hospital, where they gave me geodon, which made it worse. i got off of geodon and the ideation went away on its own, but i still wouldn't cry if she died a horrible and painful death (i'm very unethical, i know).

if it keeps you from harming them, then i'd say, fantasize away! :)

i know how it is dealing with customers. i have a new job now dealing with customers. i'm sure i'll be wanting to jump over the counter pretty soon myself!

but i only have to work 15 hours a week, so hopefully i won't get locked up in the loony bin or jail. ;)

but i wouldn't call it healthy, just a fact of life if you've tried and can't get rid of it.

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*nods* i have to keep a very firm memory on the difference between thinking and acting. sometimes they blur, but i'm not in jail yet, so it hasn't ever blurred too badly *grin*.

my pdoc asked me if i needed locked up and i said no, i hate that, and he said it was more proof that i'm probably schizphrenic, but i don't know why that was. so i haven't bothered with it ever since, i don't want locked up just for talking about thoughts and desires.

okay, now i have to know why it's unethical to not cry at a death. i'm sorry. i am really not too bright about these things. i'll start a new thread somewhere asking what ethics are. uummmm... run over to the autism thread if you read this and i'll post the questions there, i think they're more appropriate there hehehehe.

good luck with your job ;) people will make you crazy.

abi

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I wanted to add a "here, here" to an idea raised in an earlier post...

Reba...please consider, maybe when you're feeling more healthy, but maybe now if you're up to it...looking for a new pdoc who has more time...they are out there...considerate, compassionate pdocs exist and you need one...and *deserve* one. I have one and am so thankful...it took some looking...I went through two really crappy pdocs to get to my good one, but it was really worth the effort. I feel safe now.

It will make these crisis moments feel less scary, I think.

And as for those weird thoughts, I think many of us get them and it can kind of compound because we get a weird thought and then we feel weird because we thought a weird thought and then....and then....but the truth is, thoughts are just thoughts and especially when we are manic or even hypomanic, the brain is firing away like mad.

What is important is to get the brain properly medicated, much like A.M. said. The brain is sick. Don't let yourself get too hung up on judging yourself for what pops into your brain when it's sick. Just keep reminding yourself that you're manic and you just need treatment right now...

That's my two cents, or four cents or whatever. I hope you're doing okay.

Take care,

Cat

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I feel homicidal. All the time. More so when I'm manic (not hypo, but full blown). Hell, I'm damn near a sociopath when fully manic. And yeah, there's only a couple things stopping me, one being stuck behind bars. That sucks ass.

As for the pdoc issue--my pdoc works in at least three towns around here, 30 and 60 miles away. He sees patients 1 1/2 days a week. BUT--last time I had an emergency, he saw me--for an hour and a half yet!--at 6 pm. When I was in the hospital recovering from a near-death thing, he came in to check on me and discuss restarting the meds I had to go off. Oh, and one of those visits was between the dress rehearsal and performance of an opera he was in!

Bottom line--the best pdoc is one who'll clear time for an emergency; it's in the job description, really. And homicidal ideation doesn't make you a bad person (probably not even weird! But, like I'd know...) but it IS something to watch cuz if it gets too bad, you may go too far, and that would suck ass. So please do make an effort to see your pdoc soon, even if it involves letting the air out of his tires and cornering him til the AAA guy comes. ;)

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my pdoc asked me if i needed locked up and i said no, i hate that, and he said it was more proof that i'm probably schizphrenic, but i don't know why that was.

abi

Why would the fact that you don't want to be locked up lead your pdoc to believe you are schizophrenic? Anyone have any ideas. Doesn't make much sense to me.

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I have had suicidal and homocidal ideations before and I did tell my pdoc, and went into hospital for a while, voluntarily. I would recommend you don't ride the wave of mania but tell your pdoc pretty sharpish.

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I'm sorry to repeat a question I asked in another post but I got little response and I feel like I am the only psycho who is like this. I am also manic as hell right now and need to type.

I get these bad thoughts of suicide and homicide and I never tell a soul (except now). Is this abnornal. Should I tell my pdoc? I have a very hard time vocalizing the things that i think about. Some are so bad and so crazy.

If you want the thoughts/feelings to go away you need to discuss them with someone. Sometimes just saying them out loud will make them go away.

maybe it's totally inappropriate for me to even ask, but why is homicidal ideation a problem?
This made me laugh. That's probably inappropriate on my part. For me, some ideation is OK - but when it becomes too intrusive or intense, I get scared that if I let my guard down, something will happen. I don't have the best impulse control in the first place, so if my impulses are to kill myself/others, then there is a huge potential problem. An ounce of prevention is worth a mandatory life sentence or death people.
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This made me laugh. That's probably inappropriate on my part. For me, some ideation is OK - but when it becomes too intrusive or intense, I get scared that if I let my guard down, something will happen. I don't have the best impulse control in the first place, so if my impulses are to kill myself/others, then there is a huge potential problem. An ounce of prevention is worth a mandatory life sentence or death people.

*giggles* yeh... i can't let my guard down at ALL at work. it's the main reason i end up with a huge headache every day ;) i have pretty good impulse control when i notice it's an impulse and can find reality well enough to react correctly to it.

rofl... they make me bring a scoring knife to work. it's a very little knife. it's supposed to be used for scoring bread and opening boxes... but i just think "man, they WANT me armed at work" and i laugh and laugh. although i do pet the knife when i'm stressed at work. it's nice just knowing it's there.

my main prevention is my boyfriend. he helps me with the violence issue a lot. before that, i would just call in to work sick if i didn't think i could hold it all in well enough :)

abifae

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I must confess that I did not call the pdoc today because I am enjoying the mania. I agree with you all that being a little homocidal can be normal if you would never actually do it. I wouldn't really kill myself or anyone else. I just wanted to know who is honest with the pdoc. I am not because I'm just too embarrassed, but printing the post will be a good idea.

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Hi reba,

You are an adult and have to make your own decisions. Just be aware that mania can very quickly turn in to psychosis. That isn't nearly as fun and has resulted in involuntary commitment for my hubby on several occassions.

My personal opinion on the pdoc thing...by not giving him (or her) all the information, you are cheating yourself. Kind of like going to a mechanic because your car isn't working and not telling him your kid poured a 5 lb bag of sugar in to the gas tank. The mechanic could blow a lot of time and money trying to figure out what's wrong instead of dealing with the actual problem.

Whatever happens, take care of yourself and don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it.

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