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Just some background:

I have been on every prescribable antidepressant there is. I'm not kidding. Every one. Nothing works. Right now I'm on 20 mg of Parnate. It's a very low dose but if I go any higher I start to faint, run into walls, etc.

My diagnosis is complex, mostly dealing with psychosis and depression.

Right now my biggest problem is the depression. I have been getting worse by the day. I haven't worked in over two years. my parents (Thank God for them) have been bearing the financial and emotional brunt of my condition. they pay for a car, pay for my Rx's and most of my food. the state helps a little but it barely covers gas, smokes and child support. THen I turn around and treat them like crap. I just feel horrible. THey deserve so much more than I could ever give them. I try so hard but it never works.

I don't deserve to be happy. Frankly, I can't be sure I ever have been. I look a old photos of myself and I just feel like it's some other person who I let down. everything I touch turns to shit.

all I want to do is die. I just don't have the balls to do it. I was in the Hospital twice last year over this. I look at my wrists and I think it would just be so easy. I'm on 10 prescriptions and it would be so easy to OD. I hate this. Right now everything sucks. I wish I wasn't such a burden. The only reason I haven't done anything yet is because I have a daughter that needs me.

I don't want to go to the hospital. I know the first thing they would do is screw with my meds. I'm in a piss poor state right now but it's better than any other combo I've had. My pdoc doesn't have any real options either, except for maybe ECT.

Sorry if this isn't the best part of the forum but I hope I can get some help dealing with the depression. THat's my biggest problem right now. Sorry if this doesn't make a lot of sense. It's been a long dayand I tend to ramble.

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i'm sorry you're having these feelings and thoughts, and that every AD hasn't worked for you.

it is great that you're here. you being here is better than you being in the morgue, and that's why your parents help you. they love you. they couldn't live without you, so don't forget them in the equation. and your daughter, she needs her father, or she'll be like me and wonder for the rest of her life "what if?".

i'd really get up the guts and try ECT. what is there to lose? you may lose some short term memory, like the time around when you have your treatments. like you'd want to remember that anyway! you'd most likely be an inpatient for that duration, so who wants to realistically remember the hospital? the chances of losing long-term memory are low. it is a proven safe. and effective treatment for depression. why not give it a go?

i'm bipolar, and during my last hospitalization my pdoc asked me if i wanted to do it. i said i'd give drugs another chance, but if i had to, i'd try to ect. and i will. if i need to be hospitalized AGAIN, i'll do it.

if you've tried and exhausted your drug options, i don't see why not to give it a go.

loon

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Know what? You DO deserve to be happy. You currently have brain cooties that are saying negative stuff to you. They are LYING. It's hard to fight them when they're all you've ever known. If you don't want the hospital then okay(but don't rule it out completely if possible) but keep trying different cocktails. I was misdiagnosed for ten years before the docs got a clue. Stick up for yourself and if something doesn't work try something else no matter if you have to go through 100 drugs and 100 doctors. You'll find what you need...eventually.

Hold on-you can do it ...

lilie

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Fluanxol (old school AP) is used in the UK as an antidepressant. I found it working better than SSRI's.

Here's a link: http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/medicines/100001069.html

BUT, it warns against use in severely depressed patients, so that's a concern. And I know people generally don't want to try old schools AP's, but I had no side effects from Fluanxol. None.

I guess it could at least be worth asking your pdoc about. I'll try thinking about some more alternatives.

Oh, and maybe ECT would be worth a shot in your case, as Loon said.

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My cousin has MDD and did not respond at all to ADs alone. With Seroquel added to Celexa she is doing much better and finally an out patient after months of being in the hospital.

I have another friend doing better on Effexor augmented with Zyprexa and 600 mg of Lithium (boosts the AD apparently).

You mention all the ADs haven't worked, but have you tried cocktails with MSs and AAPs added to the mix yet?

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Do you think there's absolutely no way you could go up on the Parnate? Like, could you deal with walking into walls for a little while if the side effects did eventually go away? I know that for one of our mods, Parnate has been a wonder drug when literally nothing else worked, as well. That doesn't mean it will for you. But if it does seem to be having some effect, it makes me want to find a way to get it to have more effect, you know?

You're sick right now, but that doesn't affect your worth as a person. You still deserve to be happy. I've noticed your posts, because to me you sound like a kind, genuine person. Honestly. You are deserving of help and compassion and love.

I think about suicide every day, even when I'm not actively depressed. At some point I've realized it's crossed the line from emotional outburst to thought. As in, I'll think "I want to kill myself" and I'll realize I don't really feel it, I just think it.. it's just my gut reaction. Now... in some ways, that's kind of fucked-up, too, and some behavior change could be warranted. But it's helped me start to realize the difference between thoughts and reality. Or even between feelings and reality. Even when I hurt really badly and want life to be over... I try to remember that it's a feeling and that feelings pass. Doesn't always work, because sometimes that statement strikes me as psychobabble stupidtalk and doesn't take. But sometimes it hits something in there. Sometimes it helps.

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hey man,

most of us have been exactly where you are. I think I tool over ten years of medication to finally have a day where I felt good ( two months ago, and wow, so thats how normal feels).

It's a tough struggle, just haven't founds the right combination yet. Keep trying and talking, getting it out really does help. Depression is god awful, but I know it can get better.

Keep it going

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Thanks everyone for your kindness.

I may use ECT if I land in the hospital again. In fact, my pdoc is the person who would administer it. He's my regular pdoc and he's pretty sharp. It was discussed during my last hospital stay.

As the med combo goes, (I take 10-12, some for pain management) I did a lot of digging and there is a rare syndrome that caused by interaction between Parnate and Cogentin under certain conditions. Could explain why I run into wall and stuff. I need both but maybe the cogentin could be subbed by something else. I will ask my pdoc about it and see about going up on the Parnate for the time being.

Well, everyday I try to remeber my daughter. We are very close and I don't want her to deal with my suicide. She is starting to have some of the problemsI had at her age and I want to be able to help if I can.

everything else sucks but I'm dealing. If it gets to be too much, hospitals are better than morgues.

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