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I think I'm finally leveling out


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Loon posted a thread a while back asking something like what "normal" is for each of us. I hardly dare to say it, but I think my pdoc and I have finally hit on a cocktail that's making a significant difference to my moods. I still have days when I'm irrationally irritable, but in general I find my moods much smoother and the cycling significantly slowed down. I'm not used to this feeling - it's literally been years since I've been able to say something like this. So why do I feel like I should be panicking? My manias haven't been THAT much fun. And my depressions are truly lousy. But somehow it seems like a fundamental part of my personality - of who I AM - is being etched away.

Does this make sense to anyone?

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thanks AM. I do realise that. It's just that.... well, part of what's going on in my life right now (apart from an insane work schedule) is that there's been a death and news of possibly terminal cancer in my circle of friends. I feel like I should be climbing the walls and screaming, but instead I'm just numb and almost ho-hum about it all. Anyway, I know there's no perfect answer to this. Perhaps I should just admit to myself that I really am addicted to the intense highs and lows, and will eventually get used to feeling balanced. (for as long as it lasts)

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I still have days when I'm irrationally irritable, but in general I find my moods much smoother and the cycling significantly slowed down.

Does this make sense to anyone?

What you said here is so great Mia. Smoother. That's the feeling. I think it does make sense to me.

Despite some rapid cycling from Lamictal titration, I am having days in between that feel "normal". But I don't trust it yet. It's better than the numbed out feeling I had on lithium or depakote. I did not feel like I had any personality at all on those meds. It was not stability, more of a zombie state.

Now I think I am actually having days that are stable. It feels weird because I have never felt like that before. What used to feel normal to me was a constant state of hypomania.

Congrats on finding a good cocktail. Now it's just getting used to the new you.

XO

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i know what you mean about not feeling normal. i'm used to sobbing at the slightest thing and climbing the walls with mania, and alternating between the two fairly regularly.

since i've had this cocktail i've been pretty even, which has been a godsend for me.

it does feel, as unregistered said, like you're not the same anymore. you just don't react like you used to. however, you will realize you are yourself, just not with the same prism of your disorder to look through.

loon

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  • 2 weeks later...

i'm not so much scared by feeling level right now. (it's weird, but it's okay.) i'm just afraid of when it's going to end, and how. i don't want to lose being okay.

ditto. And when i'm level, everytime i have a mood blip or something, i panic, thinking it's gonna be permanent. :embarassed:

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