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i hate holidays


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argh! everyone is coming up for two seconds peeking around and running away again. no one is holding the front and my head is spinning and i'm so dizzy i could puke. holidays are always like this, even when the rest of the stress gets better each year.

i don't even really get flashbacks anymore. isn't it time we quit spinning, then, on stupid holidays???

gargh. thank god i don't have to work today. or tomorrow. ha.

abifae and whoever the hell else is running around up here.

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Why are they peeking and running?

Is it excitement over a holiday?

Or stress over a holiday?

a bit of both. we're baking (we've done cranberry sauce and orange chocolate nut cookies and we're about to do the pumpkin cheesecake), and holidays are just stressful. i don't even know why anymore. we odn't get flashbacks. we aren't around our family. *shrugs* guess it's just residual?

abifae

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a bit of both. we're baking (we've done cranberry sauce and orange chocolate nut cookies and we're about to do the pumpkin cheesecake), and holidays are just stressful. i don't even know why anymore. we odn't get flashbacks. we aren't around our family. *shrugs* guess it's just residual?

abifae

I can picture quite a bit of *X looks around; sees Turkey Day preps. "ohhh #(^*&! Not again!" **ducks and runs**"

After enough years of stressful holidays, I don't see why alters wouldn't have the same reactions as everyone else -

except they can duck out (sometimes).

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I can picture quite a bit of *X looks around; sees Turkey Day preps. "ohhh #(^*&! Not again!" **ducks and runs**"

After enough years of stressful holidays, I don't see why alters wouldn't have the same reactions as everyone else -

except they can duck out (sometimes).

lol.... there is a LOT of "ohhh! not again" around here.

we are lucky that we can trade off who gets stuck with the holidays. i guess i'm just frustrated that we are still THIS upset when most of the triggery freaking out is past. i keep hoping that one year, we'd just get through a holiday quietly.

abi

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So, what is it about holidays that create such difficulty?

Too much time with family?

Being separate from family?

Struggling to meet unrealistic expectations for achieveing the appropriate level of joy?

Too many cookies to bake, presents to wrap, parties to attend...?

Confronting a lost, idealized childhood?

Confronting memories of a horrible childhood?

And, as the future husband of a multiple, I'd like to know if there's something in particular about multiplicity that makes it's harder?

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So, what is it about holidays that create such difficulty?
a lot of things. some of them are just physical - i get sick from flashing lights and the tons of smells and bells ringing and all the noise everywhere. it's just sensory overload. and the damned flashy lights.

Too much time with family?

i refuse to go near my family from mid october until mid january. lol. i don't need the stress.

Being separate from family?
well, i AM missing my best friend an awful lot. she's in ohio. i almost started crying at work when i thought about her. i just MISS her. and the holidays make it worse with everyone talking about people they get to visit, or who are visiting them... but it doesn't really add any extra stress.

Struggling to meet unrealistic expectations for achieveing the appropriate level of joy?

nope. i have NEVER tried to meet such expectations. let's hear it for autism. i rarely even noticed i was SUPPOSED to be joyful until it got carefully explained a few years ago.

Too many cookies to bake, presents to wrap, parties to attend...?
i won't do presents. i have a personal belief that giving gifts under duress is not love. and i have very few friends so very few parties.

Confronting a lost, idealized childhood?

that is sometimes part of it. this time of year often reminds us that we were NEVER children, never had happy holidays, never were taken care of. i get pretty resentful at the "give food for christmas" drives when people don't take care of the starving the rest of the year, and we never got help when we were being starved as kids. so there is a LOT of that. anymore, it isn't flashback-y, flooding, icky memories... it's more reflections on how much this time of year is hypocritical and mean.

Confronting memories of a horrible childhood?
they've pretty much been confronted, but every year we still have to promise littles that we won't stick a bow on their head and give them to anyone to "play" with as a "toy". we really do have an amazing amount of bad memories from this time of year. the memories have been dealt with, but the bad feelings haven't entirely gone away yet. especially since everything about the holiday and decorating is a giant reminder. the music, the trees, the drunk people, the ads of how things should be.... just ick.

And, as the future husband of a multiple, I'd like to know if there's something in particular about multiplicity that makes it's harder?

*nods* say, fifteen of us had a bad holiday... well, we have to go through the memory (we can do that together, sometimes) to figure out what sucked, but then we EACH have to deal with it, make ourselves able to function through it.... we have to take turns being up front to see what the holiday is like now, to talk about it, to figure it out....

we have dozens of littles terrified that maybe THIS year we'll get sent back to the parents and hurt again, and maybe THIS year something bad will happen again....

i guess it all just... multiplies. everyone has to deal with this shit, not just one of us. and one of us dealing with it can help the others on their path, but we can't have one person figure it out and poof we are all okay with it. that gets frustrating.

and i guess that's the main thing. i'm frustrated. frustrated that we are STILL dealing with this crap even though we're through the flashbacks and trauma and drama.... frustrated that money trouble this time of year throws us into such a panic because no money means we get sold out so the parents can do a proper holiday even though we KNOW we live somewhere else now....

just grrr. enough already. makes me feel like a damned drama queen.

abi

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how many are in your system?

what do you mean by "sold out" to your parents? do you have to borrow money? i'm always borrowing money, and i'm at the point where i should be independent too (borrowing from my g'rents because my mom is disabled too).

edited to add- i'm not multiple, so maybe this isn't the right place to vent, but i hate the holidays too. i'm expected to be joyful, to give and attend parties, to "celebrate" a holiday/holidays that i don't even believe in, to give presents when i think they should come from the heart at any time, and to put up with sensory overload. i'm NT and i get overloaded. i can only imagine what it is like for autistic people.

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maybe that is why I can't stay up front for more then 10 minutes. I'm dizzy and headachy from all of the switching and can't eat with out barfing. I'm still in the early stages of this mess, so some of it is excitement and a lot of it is fear. My parents were locked in their own seperate version of reality, from us, from each other...they were abusive and mostly neglectful, my mom was just crazy.

For some stupid reason I always liked the idea of christmas, which my parents never bothered to even try to be merry for and often shipped us, or me off to some relative who was inveriably abusive. My family is some how tainted, and I'll be glad when they are all dead. At least as far as I remember we had a small fake tree and twinkly lights which always make me sick to watch (borderline epileptic or something like that). For some years after leaving home I tried to make a pretty christmas, but since my Ex husband I've had a harder and harder time getting into anything like a holiday. It always meant going to some sleazy parties and pseudo-pagan booze-ups and me being pimped off to strangers and me being terrified and abused.

So the more of us that come out the harder it is to enjoy "The Holidays". Everyone in my growing system is teary, acting out, suicidal, hopeful for a pretty christmas, wary, and edgy. Too many shards, too many conflicting thoughts and memories. It's hard to be merry when you are having so many new faces and surfacing memories, flashbacks and all. Sorry I can't be more helpful.

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loon: sold out as in prostituted us for cash, which makes me mad because that should have been MY money. i did the damned work. ;)

there used to be a couple thousand in here, but there are only about three hundred or so now. most of the shards merged. during stressful times we split off again into about five or six hundred and then remerge when the stress is passed.

as for NTs being overloaded... i think that upsets me a lot about the holidays. everyone understands THEY get stressed, but they refuse to take that extra step and realize that for anyone who is already having trouble, it's hellish. thank you for your understanding on that :cussing:

panz: i don't think it's stupid to like the idea of christmas. the way it's advertised is a nice idyllic happy time. everyone loves and cares for one another and tries to help out anyone in need.... it's just reality that gets in the way of it all.

the more you all celebrate holidays in sane and healthy ways (buying twenty boxes of crayons so all the littles have their OWN is sane, by the way :cussing: ) the easier the holidays get. even though i hate them, they are nowhere near as bad as they were five years ago, or ten years ago.

it does get better.

and you can still be merry :cussing: just remember - buy everyone's favorite frozen foods a few days before christmas. don't cook on christmas eve or day.... frozen treats are your friend! anything you can throw in the oven, set a timer, and remember not to burn is great. there is no need for anything fancy, go for comforting! i'm planning on spending like forty bucks on frozen dinners and crap like that for the holiday!

no extra stress :wtf:

abigail :)

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my family goes a step beyond frozen food- we go to a buffet place where we can eat all we want. they're even open limited hours on christmas day.

right now i'm not sure if i'll be working on x-mas day or not (our store is open all the time, 24/7), but my family will probably celebrate it when i'm there.

i already have my list written up...

not that i'm going to get any presents anyway. sometimes i get some money from relatives who feel bad for me that i'm so broke, but other than that, i guess they think that 28 is too old for gifts ;) and this is totally not the case. you're never too old for gifts!

i'm still running it through my head what i'm going to get important family members for christmas, because they seem to have everything they want anyway and what they don't have, i can't afford. maybe they really need home baked cookies or something easy and fun. i'll take a page out of abi's book and start to bake! now, if only my oven were even... yep, i think some baking is in order. i can just find some nice tins and give baked stuff as gifts. i'm sure it is more personal than just another gift certificate to JCPenny.

edited to add- has it been decided then who will be the front then during the holidays, or is that still a matter of everyone spinning around each other?

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yea buffets ;) that's a good way to go, too.

baked goods are a wonderful gift. there are cheap and easy ways to make it look really spiffy and like you spent tons of time on it :)

no one is really up during the holidays. we just spin and let whatever happens happen. sigh. the only rule is one of the five competent workers be up at work :cussing:

abi

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abi hi. your last post

struck me.

sometimes i come to somewhere

not knowing how i got there

and well, i'm used to it

so i don't get afraid or anything

unless i'm somewhere i've never actually been before

and then yeah i get scared

but that doesn't happen very often.

but nowadays nothing really bad happens

at least that i'm aware of

and i seem to be ok

and actually there is a sense that i am

being taken care of. protected.

so getting to my point, you were saying

in your last post in this thread

that you guys just let things happen as they happen,

switching around and stuff.

and i guess in a way, that just naturally happens

with us too. but i always had the impression that that

was a bad thing and that i should be trying

to control things as much as i can.

which. i am a control freak.

are you all completely co-conscious?

maybe if so, that is the difference.

it is hard to just *let go* when i am losing time

and missing information

but i really really want to.

and it has been proven over and over that

without full control, things still turn out ok,

at the very least, terrible, but managable in the end.

i mean, the body is still living. so.

i don't know.

there were really awful times when

parts made us lose friends and

there were awful awful situations that happened.

but not so much anymore that i am aware of.

i got us all routined and structured in a way.

i always was striving for that.

it seems to have had some effect.

but now i wish to be able to

*let go and let be*

i want to trust that we will be ok.

because we are ok.

well, we're not. but we are.

things have been

and could be

a lot worse.

our present is pretty good.

look around.

cozy little apartment with long time bf

kitties in cozy cave snuggles

art is being done

writing is being done

work is being done

reading is being done

we are away from the bad people

who can't kidnap us cause people

promised to protect us.

and we have the best online friends/family

anybody could ask for.

there is a lot of good.

there is always some bad. that is normal.

but there is a lot of good to rival that.

any smart superhero like connie knows

that good is stronger than bad.

uh. what was i talking about?

oh ok. i just scrolled up. hi.

sleepy.

oh kitty on lap.

purrrrr

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hi maelstrom.

but that doesn't happen very often.

but nowadays nothing really bad happens

at least that i'm aware of

and i seem to be ok

and actually there is a sense that i am

being taken care of. protected.

*nods* that's how it is here. we used to end up in different places (once these bozos ran away to a different state because the father stalked us to work)... but nowadays... we have ournate, we have our cats, we have a nice apartment, a job that we can make it to and cope with well enough.... things just seem ok right now.

and i guess in a way, that just naturally happens

with us too. but i always had the impression that that

was a bad thing and that i should be trying

to control things as much as i can.

which. i am a control freak.

the control freaks in here figured it was a negative thing too. and i think tdocs really push that idea. someone HAS to be in control of the system, right? some core person has to make final decisions. everyone is supposed to end up co conscious....

i think it's all crap. depends on your system. we don't have a core and we keep secrets from one another at times. mostly we leave one another notes and tell one another what is going on, but sometimes we don't want to and that's okay.

are you all completely co-conscious?
we are not co conscious much at all.

we actually have never tried to be and don't WANT to be. the idea of someone invading my thoughts is horrible. i like my boundaries!

we have no clue what happened when we weren't up unless whoever WAS up chooses to tell us, or they allow people to watch up front while they are there. it's kind of like watching a virtual reality movie.

the extreme control freaks in here hate that part but i guess for the most part we've just gotten so used to it that we can just let it be.

and it has been proven over and over that

without full control, things still turn out ok,

at the very least, terrible, but managable in the end.

i mean, the body is still living. so.

yep. here too. aisling, i think, has the most trouble with it. she's in charge of the budget for the household so i guess she gets more upset not knowing what's going on. but no one buys ANYTHING without running it past her. she gives us a bit of cash to do whatever with, but no one may touch the debit card lol.

we still get ourselves into dumb situations, especially the younger teens, but we always make it through.

i don't know.

there were really awful times when

parts made us lose friends and

there were awful awful situations that happened.

here too! on the plus side, the friends i have left know we're multiple and nuts and are quite understanding!

but not so much anymore that i am aware of.

i got us all routined and structured in a way.

i always was striving for that.

it seems to have had some effect.

*nods* here too. we were raised military so we run our system that way. each group has someone they report to for certain things (taking meds, being out front for certain people, sleeping with anyone but ournate) and they get together to make sure things are still working okay.... we have a lot of structure in here through things like that. it helps a lot.

but now i wish to be able to

*let go and let be*

i want to trust that we will be ok.

because we are ok.

well, we're not. but we are.

we're not, but we are... yeh. we're getting by. we're safe enough. we have ournate and our cats and books and a warm place to live and food... but we still have our moments of freaking out and losing jobs and not being able to clean the apartment and ups and downs.... sigh.

it really is hard to trust we will be ok. we were raised shinto buddhist and i think that actually is part of why we can be so calm sometimes. that and the body is an aquarius :) but most of us have a very "zen" way of looking at the world. what will happen will happen. we can't STOP the bad things. so we sit back and enjoy the ride anyway. or try to.

we are away from the bad people

who can't kidnap us cause people

promised to protect us.

that is one of our biggest fears, still.

it was only a year ago we caught the father in our parking lot in his car.

he doesn't bother us if we contact him regularly enough, but he still scares us. there are other little things that let us know They are still keeping a close eye on us. scares us.

and we have the best online friends/family

anybody could ask for.

there is a lot of good.

;) yeh!

there is always some bad. that is normal.

but there is a lot of good to rival that.

any smart superhero like connie knows

that good is stronger than bad.

that's the thing to keep in mind. i'm a realist. i'm not too optimistic, nor am i pessimistic. i know that bad always will happen and that good things will always happen.

yep, all the smart superheros in here know that good is stronger :cussing:

but that evil will always triumph, because good is stupid. hehehehe. sorry, spaceballs quote....

abigail

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when one of you, say a worker, is up, do you realize the others in the background? is that something you have to listen for, or is it pretty obvious to you?

does anyone notice that there are any one of five different aspects they are working with at any given time, or do you have down one persona? i guess it would be kinda cool if i could sit back and let another one of me work. maybe a different one of me could figure out the register and i wouldn't have to feel like such a moron.

obviously one of the littles can't work! ;)

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we have no clue what happened when we weren't up unless whoever WAS up chooses to tell us, or they allow people to watch up front while they are there. it's kind of like watching a virtual reality movie.

Hm. Can the person who's driving not just let other watch but get others to watch? I picture it like yelling back into the

bus for X to take the shotgun seat NOW... Two sets of eyes on the road, ready to switch positions if needed.

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hmmm...We are still having new people out themselves or get outed. We are trying to work out some kind of system, the holidays always send me for a loop and trying to deal with them and all of this inner stuff is exhausting . I'm trying for co-consciousness, because I'm hyper aware anyway. So yeah, having two sets of "eyes" might help. I dunno yet

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loon: yeh, we usually see and hear and feel whoever is out with us. we rarely ride solo around here. we prefer to have three people at a time, at least, to help keep track. plus we hear the people inside who are close up (littles love to lurk there are watch all day, throwing popcorn and peanuts at us when we get too dull) and we often can hear if any screaming matches or fights or high spirits get too loud.

no one has really noticed that we're multiple unless thye have a friend who is and then they usually ask us if we are and we fess up ;) it's not something people expect so they don't see it.

the littles come out more than i'd like, but we can't keep them in all the time. *giggles* they like to make mad dashes through the front and run back in, usually.

null: that is why we usually have two or three up front together. it's like playing hot potato with the body hehehe. you take it, YOU take it, ack! you take it!

panz: all of us are hyper aware. sigh. that is why one of connie's bestest superheroes is the HyperVigilante! i'll have to get her to tell the story of the great superhero sometime :)

good luck with the holidays :cussing: we all need it.

abi

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thanks abi

uhh but was thinking bout this:

we are not co conscious much at all.

we actually have never tried to be and don't WANT to be. the idea of someone invading my thoughts is horrible. i like my boundaries!

we have no clue what happened when we weren't up unless whoever WAS up chooses to tell us, or they allow people to watch up front while they are there.

co-conscious means someone invading your thoughts?

ACK!

i thought co-conscious meant the part where you write:

"or they allow people to watch up front while they are there."

and how you write that you rarely ride solo...

the ones in front with you and the ones near the front--

isn't that co-consciousness?

maybe i have all the terminology mixed up.

but anyway, that's how we are in here too.

one more thing, i was all confused before thinking i was

becoming co-conscious with one part only to find out i lost

time to the same part again. i thought once attaining

co-consciousness with one meant always co-conscious

with that one, but i found out i was wrong.

so that's normal then?

that brings me a lot of relief.

thanks for writing!

everyone.

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well, i might have MY terminology wrong. i do that a lot.

maybe what we do IS co conscious. we just all LOVE the right to make everyone go away and leave us alone lol.

inside, we have a huge castle and we each have our own room that no one else may enter without our permission. it's great.

i think it's normal to be able to share with someone and then you drift apart and then close again. as near as i can tell, that's how ALL relationships work ;) i see it as tidal... sometimes the tide is in and you feel close, and then the tide recedes for a while.

we do that with people who have fully merged lol. all those shards formed together and then split again and then come together again....

i like oceans.

abi

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we do that with people who have fully merged lol. all those shards formed together and then split again and then come together again....

i like oceans.

abi

do you mean that fully merged people are like oceans, that they never really maintain their fully merged status, but do split off again at times?

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i think it's normal to be able to share with someone and then you drift apart and then close again. as near as i can tell, that's how ALL relationships work ;) i see it as tidal... sometimes the tide is in and you feel close, and then the tide recedes for a while.

we do that with people who have fully merged lol. all those shards formed together and then split again and then come together again....

i like oceans.

abi

can i just say WOW.

you can't know how this just helped me

so much.

it makes perfect perfect sense to me.

thank you abi. gosh this is so

validating and normalizing for me

in how i experience things.

i like oceans too.

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can i just say WOW.

you can't know how this just helped me

so much.

it makes perfect perfect sense to me.

thank you abi. gosh this is so

validating and normalizing for me

in how i experience things.

i like oceans too.

i'm glad :) usually people stare at me blankly when i try to explain things.

i think validation is one of the most wonderful feelings there is.

abi ;)

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the theory is that most multiples are very easily hypnotized.... that is, we self hypnotize constantly or we couldn't BE multiple. that doesn't mean we accept it from outsiders though ;)

panz: maybe that's part of why saying thank you is so important :)

abi

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