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Do you ever feel the need to apologize for being defective?


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I feel like I am broken, "slightly irregular" or just otherwise screwed up and I am constantly wanting to apologize to everyone around me for having to put up with me. Today we went to a friend's for dinner and I knew I was going to be weird right from the start. In the car on the way there I sat in the back and was near full blown panic. Sometimes that just happens for no reason, I can't be the passenger in the car, if I'm not driving I feel panicky. Then of course when we got there I felt like climbing the walls and screaming and I just desperately wanted to leave. Every word and action felt awkward and wrong and I was left feeling like a freak once again, being sorry that everyone had to put up with my "stuff" again. Lately life has felt sooooo overwhelming. I just don't have the motivation to do anything--I mean ANYTHING. Everything down to taking a shower just feels so overwhelming I don't even know where to start, so I just don't bother. Right now I'm on 7.5mg of Zyprexa and that's it. Is there some other drug that might help instead of or in addition to that? I see my pdoc on Monday.

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I feel like I am broken, "slightly irregular" or just otherwise screwed up and I am constantly wanting to apologize to everyone around me for having to put up with me. Today we went to a friend's for dinner and I knew I was going to be weird right from the start.

I do know what it is like and it is a horrible way to feel.

good luck with your pdoc. be open and honest.

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I feel like I am broken, "slightly irregular" or just otherwise screwed up and I am constantly wanting to apologize to everyone around me for having to put up with me. Today we went to a friend's for dinner and I knew I was going to be weird right from the start. In the car on the way there I sat in the back and was near full blown panic. Sometimes that just happens for no reason, I can't be the passenger in the car, if I'm not driving I feel panicky. Then of course when we got there I felt like climbing the walls and screaming and I just desperately wanted to leave. Every word and action felt awkward and wrong and I was left feeling like a freak once again, being sorry that everyone had to put up with my "stuff" again. Lately life has felt sooooo overwhelming. I just don't have the motivation to do anything--I mean ANYTHING. Everything down to taking a shower just feels so overwhelming I don't even know where to start, so I just don't bother. Right now I'm on 7.5mg of Zyprexa and that's it. Is there some other drug that might help instead of or in addition to that? I see my pdoc on Monday.

Yeah I apologize to my family everyday since I am a grown 28 year old man with no job who is a burden to his family. I cannot face the world on my own. I simply don't know how to maintain my own life without help. I am a lost cause and it sucks. But then again, life sucks in general. So, I feel ya.

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like kathy said, i think an SSRI would help quite a bit. SSRIs reduce anxiety and lift depression. for some people they are really the magic ticket to success. not so for others, but they enable millions of people to live productive lives. i've taken both paxil and lexapro and both were good drugs, though i liked paxil more.

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i am well medicated but still will sometimes say the wrong things. Yesterday at Thanksgiving at my mothers i was a mess. My 14 yo daughter told me today that i was embarrassing because i always talk about being fat and i weigh 106 and everyone else in the room was 150 or more. what was I thinking. I am a total idiot moron and just a major fuck up. I wish i could keep mouth shut . I can't even apologize for the crap I was saying.

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I totally know how you feel. I was also a mess at Thanksgiving. My mother is also bi-polar, and bless her heart she talks so much it over-stimulates me. At one point, everyone in the room was talking, and the kids were singing. My mother *wistled* to get my attention in this noise and I flipped. I just ran to my room and emerged awhile later and did not apologize. Although, I felt like I should ;)

I found that zyprexa increased my anxiety. Now that I'm taking my lamictal at night, I really like it. It made me drowsy all day when I took it in the morning.

GL, and you are NOT defective.

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I have had a couple of days --like yesterday and today--where I have done totally inattentitive, stupid thing. Didn't count on a bill I had to pay, and then was given a $25 gift card for Hancock's which I needed desperately, and I LOST it in the store.

So what am I getting from my dear, supportive husband? Shit--I asked if he could just hug me so I'd feel a little better, and his reply was that he did not want to "reinfoce" the stupid thins I do. I am always apologizing for being stupid and thoughtless and dumb--I have all my life. Now its worse, caue apparently all our disasterous lives right now are my fault, as I am sure they are.

I found something once about the "broken me"--will try to find it and post it. But I AM broken,and I am NOT fixable, and thats that, I suppose.

I don't do stupid things on purpose--I am just stupid and absent minded and dumb and not very attentive to detailand I feel sorry for myself all the time. Oh, and I make a really big deal out of the stupid things I do which seems to also be a problem.

I am leaving as soon as my car battery is replaced--I haveno reason to be here, no job, and no one, obviously, cares about me. I have no where to go but I am going somewhere.

china

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I found something once about the "broken me"--will try to find it and post it. But I AM broken,and I am NOT fixable, and thats that, I suppose.

I don't do stupid things on purpose--I am just stupid and absent minded and dumb and not very attentive to detailand I feel sorry for myself all the time. Oh, and I make a really big deal out of the stupid things I do which seems to also be a problem.

I really empathize with you, China, and I wish you don't have to feel so lost...I guess you know it goes without saying that the people here are so here for you.

I too feel "unfixable", "broken" and that this is just me, always will be, and I have to or want to apologize for damn near everything. Even to me for feeling sorry for myself, and not doing what I need to do to help myself, whatever that may be. I want to apolozize to pdoc and tdoc for wasting their time, even though they say I'm doing better. I think I know I will never be better,

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i am always apologizing for my poor memory. even 30 minutes after my mom told me to give kitty his pill she asked me if i did and i am like "i'm sorry, i forgot".

"i'm sorry, i forgot" is the most used phrase in my vocabulary these days.

i apologize for rambling on. i am sorry i bothered you. i am sorry, i didn't give you the right information in the right way so now i'm sorry i have to bring up the subject again or tell you that i left out something important. i apologize for not hearing you correctly the first time. i am sorry i made that mistake on-air.

i am sorry i wasted the day. i am sorry for sleeping in late. i am sorry my bill is late. i am sorry i am lazy.

i am sorry i am not the perfect aunt. i am sorry i'm a bad influence for smoking.

i am sorry i bitch all the time. i am sorry i am not healthy. i am sorry i eat a lot of fast food. i am sorry i surf the internet too long. i am sorry i don't always do what i say.

i am sorry i have to ask you to pack a lunch, iron a shirt, pick something up for me. i am sorry you have to help me clean my room when it gets overwhelmingly dirty.

wow, great exercise! i do apologize for everything! no wonder people don't like me. i am very insecure. but, i refuse to keep living this way. will figure it out.

kathy

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I feel like I am broken, "slightly irregular" or just otherwise screwed up and I am constantly wanting to apologize to everyone around me for having to put up with me.

Yeah, been there, done that, got the t-shirt. Eventually, my wife got so pissed at me we had a big screaming match about it. I try not to do it anymore, but somtimes it's a struggle.

Right now I'm on 7.5mg of Zyprexa and that's it. Is there some other drug that might help instead of or in addition to that?

7.5mg is too low a dose to be a mood stabiliser, according to my pdoc - that starts at 10mg and up. My present combo suits me down to the ground - the lamictal took out all the swings, and gave me a bit of a lift, but left me a bit 'flat'. Zyprexa gave me that missing bit back again. Time for a change, perhaps.

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when the work is there. i work with chyron products: duet, infinit. i was freelancing at foxsports for 3 years. kinda slowed down. waiting to see what happens with new network.

i was also at tbs for 4 years. loved it! then, temporarily moved to cali. temp because developed a gambling problem. beginning of the end!

right now, have my name out to do remotes. hoping to get busy!

are you as well? (not get busy!)

best of all things good and happy,

kathy

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I'm sorry I can't remember any damn thing.

I'm sorry I send you the same picture by email more than once.

I'm sorry I can't converse worth a damn.

I'm sorry I can't listen worth a damn, because it's not sinking in.

I'm sorry I'm not funny in person, only in writing.

I'm sorry I'm depressed. This is the best I can get.

I'm sorry I'm a hermit and I don't answer the phone.

I'm sorry you can't come over because my house is a friggin pig sty.

I'm sorry that I want company, but can't handle it when I have it.

And most of all, I am sorry that all my efforts of 23 yrs of meds and therapy have only gotten me to mildly depressed. Believe me, I am sicker of it than you are.

oh, I'm also sorry that my house is a pig sty. No matter how many times I clean it, it invariably returns to piles of crap and boxes of crap everywhere. Right now there are two ice chests and a big area rug on my front porch. There are two kitchen chairs and 3 boxes of crap on the patio. Classic White Trash I am. I just don't care. I would like it better clean, but I don't care anough to do anything about it. I feel like a big lump with no energy at all. I always feel like this big lump, no matter what. I'm sorry about that too.

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when the work is there. i work with chyron products: duet, infinit. i was freelancing at foxsports for 3 years. kinda slowed down. waiting to see what happens with new network.

i was also at tbs for 4 years. loved it! then, temporarily moved to cali. temp because developed a gambling problem. beginning of the end!

right now, have my name out to do remotes. hoping to get busy!

are you as well? (not get busy!)

best of all things good and happy,

kathy

heavens, no, not me!! what did you do exactly? i can't quite tell from your description.

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oh, yeah. i type graphics for foxsports net. i type stuff like a list of comparisons of players or facts. i also call up the lower thirds - names. the chyron and duet are character generators.

tbs, it was just all kinds of graphics for all of the networks.

i rarely design them. just fill-in-the- blanks or add an extra row, column, etc.

thanks for your interest!

kathy

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