Jump to content
CrazyBoards.org

Moods are somewhat stable but..


Recommended Posts

1) I can't bring myself to open bills or important looking letters. I put them away and repress their existence. I have a stupid $38 dollar balance on lapsed apt insurance sent to a collection agency. The main utility bills are under control only because they automatically come out of my account.

2) I can't seem to make important phone calls. For example a call to the above insurance company to sort out the damn $38 bucks.

3) I can't handle filling out any type of form. I have several physio therapy sessions I can claim on my insurance if only I could fill out the form and mail it off.

4) I spend money and don't keep track of it, check balances, budget, etc.

5) I know I need to see a trustee and sort all of the above out, possibly declare bankruptcy, as my debt to income ratio is ridiculous and I have no assets.

6) I don't care enough about any of this shit that I am aware enough of, to know I should care.

7) I have no awareness of dates, times, when events occurred, what the hell I did 2 days ago and feel like time slips by me.

8) I can no longer calculate numbers or maintain proper grammar and spelling. This was never a problem for me in the past.

9) I feel my anxiety is for the most part under control, but I cannot socialize with more than one person.

10) I cannot work or even think about working in the future, yet I am aware of the fact that eventually it will be expected of me.

In a nutshell, I am feeling better than ever yet I am far more dysfunctional in my daily life than I was prior to seeking treatment for Bipolar disorder. Can you guys relate to this?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

i've been on drugs for bp since i was 18, but there have been times (big mistakes) when i haven't been on a mood stabilizer AND was on an SSRI. huge no-no.

it hasn't been that i've felt less able to deal with daily life since getting mood stabilization treatment, it has been that i've been unable to deal with work. every time i have a job i lose it for some reason they invent. i've lost count of my "unsuccessful work attempts". but my hope never falls, and i always (probably fruitlessly) believe that i'm up for it.

i had to admit defeat and go on disability. i hated admitting that i'm disabled and need the time to get well. i don't know how long i'll be out of "substantial, gainful activity", but it will be for awhile.

since stabilizing my mood (and since my dad died, i don't know if they go together or what to blame on what), my ability to hold a job has been zero.

i also just throw my bills on the futon in my living room and let them rot. i get disconnection notices for my electric or whatever and then decide to pay with a check by phone, only to have my whole bank account drained and starve for the rest of the month (like this month). so i can't manage money.

they asked me if i needed a trustee and i said no, because i don't want anyone else babysitting me, of course. but it may get to that point. we'll see.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I was having trouble with some similar things recently. For me they were cognitive issues: my brain not swinging into action when something needed to be done, nor being able to set out and follow a sequence of actions to do whatever needed to be done. They cleared up when I started taking Depakote for migraines.

Have you talked with your pdoc about any cognitive problems before? What has he/she said?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Ex-pdoc didn't give a rats ass about cognitive problems. I don't have a new one yet.

I'm finally satisfied with my cocktail, so I think I will take these things up with my tdoc. I think they are more tdoc issues anyways, especially since I am not open to med changes right now.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Christ Dee - you just described me with #1 - 4 & 6. The only reason that I don't have the bankruptcy stuff is because I am fortunate enough to have a father who doesn't exactly give me money, but employs me and is very forgiving when I am batshit. Granted I make up for it when I am not batshit by working my ass off FOR MY DAD, but whatever. I have never balanced my checkbook. Ever. That's what online statements are for.

I have a bag that hangs on my coatrack that holds all mail I get if it isn't a personal letter. Every few months I dig out the most recent gas and water bill and pay them. The rest I can pretty much do online and I still fuck up with late payments. I have a collections agency that has stalked me for over 2 years for a $20 late payment charge for a CC that I paid off a day late or something. It grew into $168, and I have been blatently ignoring them forever. This all could have been avoided by a call to said CC company to have them take the late payment charge off.

I smartened up and did this for another card that was fucking me. [rant] I paid my VS credit card by phone when they called me to tell me I haven't paid. They charged me a $7 processing fee which did not come out of what I paid, but got added to the next months bill. Which I subsequently did not pay. I accrued 2 months worth of late fees before I called and told them to suck my ass - I'm not paying this retarded charge and close my account. Fuckers. I can't afford $40 bras anyway. Oh - and the VS card was opened by a $200 lingerie shopping spree 2.5 years ago while manic. I put that 1 charge on it and that was it. [\rant]

To get back to the point - cut yourself some slack. Give yourself some time to readjust to being stable and then look into some of this stuff. I remember thinking this summer "I'm stable, I should be straightening shit out from all the mistakes I made" but in reality I needed to chill and recover from 2 yrs of insanity. Now I am trying to work shit out slowly.

Seei f the side effects lessen after time. Twiddling thumbs always helps me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sounds like you have a focus problem, do you have a rehab counselor to come over? My friend is on ssdi and she has a rehabilitation therapist who comes and checks on her and helps her with everyday living. Why not just put all the bills on automatic pay. Have you consolidated your loans before? Ever thought of hiring a personal assistant?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Dee

Your last line really hit me:

"In a nutshell, I am feeling better than ever yet I am far more dysfunctional in my daily life than I was prior to seeking treatment for Bipolar disorder. Can you guys relate to this?"

YES.

Not necessarily the same things you listed, but my own stuff. Well, I can't make phone calls, I can't seem to focus enough to read and that has fucked up my ability to finish my degree I'm supposedly working on and I can't work and can't really see myself working. What would I do? How could I deal with people? I have no idea. And yeah, having trouble socializing with more than one person...I can relate.

But, yet, I feel stable. For the first time, actually. I have quit drinking...I've been off for two years now...I'm stabilized on meds after fooling with a cocktail for two years...ridiculous experiences on SSRI's like Loon...but now I'm actually doing OK.

But I hear what you're saying, Dee. I feel stable, and yet...my daily life is whack. I'm working on stuff in therapy, I guess, but I'm not completely clear what "working on stuff" totally means. I feel like I should. I mean, jeez, I'm old enough to know better, no?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sounds like you have a focus problem, do you have a rehab counselor to come over? My friend is on ssdi and she has a rehabilitation therapist who comes and checks on her and helps her with everyday living. Why not just put all the bills on automatic pay. Have you consolidated your loans before? Ever thought of hiring a personal assistant?

It sounds like alot of us are like this during our "recovery" period.

LOL, Sensation on a personal assistant. I wish I was rich and could have one, or a babysitter. ;)

My regular bills are taken care of by automatic withdrawal. It's the odd ones, like the insurance balance or a weird letter I got from the govt about tax I don't really owe, but need to sort out. Crap like that, that I can't seem to bring myself to deal with.

My rehab therapist is only concerned with getting me back to work. My tdoc on the other hand, might be able to work on these issues with me. We haven't had many sessions and I haven't brought up these types of things yet, because we've been working more on other stuff.

Thanks for your replies. I'm not happy you guys are having these problems, but it's nice to know I'm not alone.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

1) I can't bring myself to open bills or important looking letters. I put them away and repress their existence. I have a stupid $38 dollar balance on lapsed apt insurance sent to a collection agency. The main utility bills are under control only because they automatically come out of my account.

2) I can't seem to make important phone calls. For example a call to the above insurance company to sort out the damn $38 bucks.

3) I can't handle filling out any type of form. I have several physio therapy sessions I can claim on my insurance if only I could fill out the form and mail it off.

4) I spend money and don't keep track of it, check balances, budget, etc.

Described me to a "T" except for the whole "moods are somewhat stable" bit.

6) I don't care enough about any of this shit that I am aware enough of, to know I should care.

7) I have no awareness of dates, times, when events occurred, what the hell I did 2 days ago and feel like time slips by me.

8) I can no longer calculate numbers or maintain proper grammar and spelling. This was never a problem for me in the past.

9) I feel my anxiety is for the most part under control, but I cannot socialize with more than one person.

10) I cannot work or even think about working in the future, yet I am aware of the fact that eventually it will be expected of me.

In a nutshell, I am feeling better than ever yet I am far more dysfunctional in my daily life than I was prior to seeking treatment for Bipolar disorder. Can you guys relate to this?

OH HELL YEAH I can relate!

At least I'm not disappearing and spending thousands of dollars in a matter of a couple of weeks. So that's a plus. On the flip side of that, all week since Tuesday it's been Friday inside my head. That kinda sucks. I wouldn't be able to survive without my "Big Board." (Combo HUGE ASS calendar/white board that acts as command central on the fridge)

But I'd rather be ditzy and be who I r now, than nudie super manic girl flying all over the USA.

At least my credit history thanks me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

HELL YEAH I can relate!

At least I'm not disappearing and spending thousands of dollars in a matter of a couple of weeks. So that's a plus. On the flip side of that, all week since Tuesday it's been Friday inside my head. That kinda sucks. I wouldn't be able to survive without my "Big Board." (Combo HUGE ASS calendar/white board that acts as command central on the fridge)

But I'd rather be ditzy and be who I r now, than nudie super manic girl flying all over the USA.

At least my credit history thanks me.

LOL, that was the old me as well. Spontaneous trips to New York City every couple of months, resulting in thousands of dollars racked on my credit cards, shopping on St Marks and clubbing.

Then there was the gambling sprees. Talk about out of control. I still haven't recovered from the debt after selling my condo. ;)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Count me in!

i think my problem is that i became physically and emotionally spent just to be stable. once achieved (to a good point), i was finally able to start putting my life back together. problem was, when i took inventory, there was so much to do that it was overwhelming.

i managed to get some of the immediate things taken care of, but slacked with everything else. i just wasn't ready for another fight.

gradually, very gradually, i have been able to do a little, bitty bit more. when you feel better and are sitting on your ass, like me, you feel like you are just lazy now and the guilt seeps in.

if you can only do one thing, i would work on something financial (ex: insurance) so as not to screw up your credit which will only cause more headaches later on.

believe me, i do not have this down it's been at least a year since i balanced my checkbook. i won't do laundry for a month. i should scoop the cat poop everyday because if i don't the other cat will pee and poop ouside the box (yuck!) i should keep in touch with the friends i do have before they become non-friends. and most from dee's list.

i do pick random things up on a more regular basis. even if it's only one thing, i want to celebrate. i take more time getting ready for work which involves straigthening my car and wearing jewelry.

man, it can be painful when i have a whole day in front of me and know i should get my ass in gear. each minute lasts forever. it does help me because its getting harder for me to sit on my ass watching tv. but, easier to surf the net, bad!

i think the time after stableness is a time for rest, catching our breath, denial, being overwhelmed, shutting down, frustration. its like you get over one mountain only to find that there is another one on the other side! (slightly smaller!)

i hope we all make it over that mountain, then we can party together!

best wishes,

kathy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dee,

I think one of the common traps people fall into after finding a successful med regime for BD is that there is an expectation that everything should now be just fine. While acute, one would rightfully blame things on his/her condition, so once addressed there would be a natural expectation that things should automatically improve. Forgotten, is that, success in the things you mentioned take time for everyone. A good career, relationship, habits, etc. all do not happen overnight. Give yourself some time(~ three years), plan to make baby steps and do not burden yourself with unrealistic goals.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sounds like you have a focus problem, do you have a rehab counselor to come over? My friend is on ssdi and she has a rehabilitation therapist who comes and checks on her and helps her with everyday living. Why not just put all the bills on automatic pay. Have you consolidated your loans before? Ever thought of hiring a personal assistant?

It sounds like alot of us are like this during our "recovery" period.

LOL, Sensation on a personal assistant. I wish I was rich and could have one, or a babysitter. :)

My regular bills are taken care of by automatic withdrawal. It's the odd ones, like the insurance balance or a weird letter I got from the govt about tax I don't really owe, but need to sort out. Crap like that, that I can't seem to bring myself to deal with.

My rehab therapist is only concerned with getting me back to work. My tdoc on the other hand, might be able to work on these issues with me. We haven't had many sessions and I haven't brought up these types of things yet, because we've been working more on other stuff.

Thanks for your replies. I'm not happy you guys are having these problems, but it's nice to know I'm not alone.

No, I don't have these particular problems, all my finances are up to date and things are pretty much organized around here to the point of ocd. But I mentioned the personal assistant thing because i always see these ads from college kids offering services like organizing things for ya and running errands. I see the ads in the weekly gazette or craigslist, etc. Just someone to get you caught up and motivated. Dee can you imagine your lil assistant walking your dogs and doing laundry ;)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well, shit.

Yes, I can competely relate. And I thought I was the ONLY person who experienced this. (Maybe because dh always reminds me that if I had ONLY done this/paid that/called so-and-so before the deadline like EVERYONE else in the world does...)

And what sucks is I can work a full-time professional career, hardly ever calling in sick even when I'm doing really really crappy...hypomanic, depressed, suicidal...but I can't freakin keep my home life or finances running smoothly.

The only thing I have found that helps me is online bill pay. Get the bills...log in...click, click, click...SEND. And on most days I can't even handle that. Luckily on a rare 'good' day I can set up my payments for the month. Even down to the stupid stuff like magazine subscriptions.

So nice to know I'm not alone in this, anyway.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yeah the online payment thing is a saviour. Finding stamps, writing a check, envelopes is a major accomplishment. I haven't balanced my checkbook since college, can someone tell me why its important ;) I just try to keep enough in the account to pay rent and I'm all good...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Your list fits me about 85%.

This is the point at which life feels like an endless uphill battle. I can never catch up and never get ahead. I think the psychologists have a term that may apply, "Learned helplessness". Rats learn they can't control their environment and give up trying to escape. I'm not sure. Frankly the meds are a trade off. Slow the mind down enough to focus, but lose the energy and concentration.

After getting thru the first year of crisis with my therapist to reach a level of stability, I got frustrated that neither he nor the pdoc are any help getting further.

I guess the only answer is "get off your ass and get it done". Big help. ;0

There is something more going on here, beyond us all lacking initiative and being lazy.

a.m.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I've found that alot of my problems may stem from Executive Dysfunction.

Yeah, try being female and telling your pdoc you suffer from E.D. (where are my little blue diamonds, har har)

Keep in mind this theory is still kind of controversial, but it seems to make some sort of sense.

Here are the Executive Functions:

  • planning for the future
  • the ability to inhibit or delay responding
  • initiating behavior, and
  • shifting between activities flexibly

If you break down the Functions into Subfunctions, then the Subfunctions might tap into the following abilities or skills:

  • Goal
  • Plan
  • Sequence
  • Prioritize
  • Organize
  • Initiate
  • Inhibit
  • Pace
  • Shift
  • Self-monitor
  • Emotional control
  • Completing

I got the above information from the following site: http://www.tourettesyndrome.net/ef_overvie...TIVE%A0FUNCTION

And you can find more information about Executive Dysfunction by doing a Google Search like this one:

http://www.google.com/search?q=executive+d...lient=firefox-a

Hope some of this information helps. Or maybe it's just my brain on cough syrup.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

"Executive Dysfunction" or "Learned Helplessness" both seem like good descriptions for what most of us are trying to overcome. Maddy, you're brain is not on cough syrup because that theory makes alot of sense to me, unless my brain is on cough syrup too which is quite possible.

Glen, you always have words of wisdom. I'm sure we are expecting too much too soon. Hell, I'm not even stable (cycled a bit this weekend), I just feel better on my cocktail so I am noticing what I have been neglecting and am in step one on Maddy's list of subfunctions, "Goal".

Maybe we should cut ourselves a bit of slack and just focus on full on recovery before we go back to conquering the world, like we thought we did when we were manic, LOL.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dee,

I think you've hit it.

I have MDD but have the same deficits coming out of depression; piles of unpaid bills, avoiding bureaucratic problems (insurance, unpaid tickets, car registration, and (oh, god) taxes...), organizing, prioritizing, tracking money.

It all seems so overwhelming to see the mountain of crap that still has to be sorted out.

When I was in group therapy, one person timidly asked if anyone else had trouble paying bills. Seven out of the eight of us there did. The stories were incredibly alike.

Using Maddy's search terms and adding depression, I found this:

From the Biopsychiatry website:

Recent advances in neuropharmacology and neuroimaging are mapping the topography of symptoms in major depressive disorder (MDD). Different malfunctioning neuronal circuits apparently mediate different symptoms in MDD. Since all patients with MDD do not have the same symptoms, this implies that they may not all have the same malfunctioning circuits. Furthermore, since MDD patients treated with antidepressants commonly experience residual symptoms that prevent them from attaining complete remission, this implies that not all circuits are successfully targeted by treatment in such patients. A new neurobiologically informed treatment strategy for such patients calls for targeting residual symptoms by augmenting antidepressants with agents capable of boosting specific neurotransmitters in the hypothetically malfunctioning circuits. With this approach, the frequently residual symptoms of sleepiness, fatigue, and executive dysfunction can be targeted with bupropion, atomoxetine, modafinil, atypical antipsychotics, and stimulants.

True enough for me. Wellbutrin has been a big help in that area.

It comes back, the executive functioning, but slowly. Give yourself a lot of slack. It's not you and you're not lazy.

Greeny

(edited to fix the botched URL)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...