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Hi Libby...I read it.  And I related to alot of it.  I wish you lived close to me - I need a friend as much as you do I'm thinking.

I too have a professional degree - but work for 8.75/hr.  I could get some more schooling/training and make leaps and bounds but to be honest what for?  If I did, something else would just start to suck.

I was adopted too - my mother wanted lots and lots of kids.....my dad wanted none.  I think you know where I'm going with this.  He only ever had negative things to tell me - and called me a stupid bitch when I called him to drive 5 minutes to help me change a tire (I was 16 and never changed one before.)  HMMMMMM - mom doesn't drive....sister is too young....no boyfriend (but of course..) who else do I call?  I grew up knowing exactly how much I didn't make him proud.  In 7th grade (same time as puberty) my depression hit - and I didn't say a word to anyone - only if I was spoken to directly and it was with the least amount of words possible.  My teachers at school had  meeting about it....and advised my parents to take me to see someone.  My mom would have done anything to help..but good ol' dad...well...he just either couldn't be bothered or didn't want to deal with it.  Or, maybe both.  I couldn't wait to get out of there.  Even when I did, his caustic comments followed me, as they were etched deep into my psyche.  He died of lung cancer last July - I still haven't shed a tear.  I doubt I ever will.

You are not alone.

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Hi Libby, You are definately not alone!  It's a great thing that all of us who suffer from depression or another mental illnesses can actually speak to one another.  I have suffered from depression since I was 16, I am now 39.  I am married to a good man, and have a great child.  I am still generally not a happy person.  No matter what we have, it is the depression that is always there.  I thought for years and years, if only I had this or that I would be ok.  I have been married twice, and have jumped around job to job...and still that void is never complete.  I lack peace of mind, which I think alot of us do.  I am coming to learn through medication and psychological therapy that it is me and the way I handle stress, low self esteem, that I am forever trying to fill myself up with happiness, and always looking for that "something" to make me happy.  I am told it comes from "within".  I am now starting to believe this.  I need to take control of myself and my own happiness.  Yes, it is hard.  I think of the depression as this black cloud that forever drains me of all energy, and generally never goes fully away.  I have been on numberous medications and now on lexapro, which seems to be helping, but I am always looking to the next.

I am sorry about your family and that you are alone. I am lucky that my husband has a decent health plan that has given me the opportunity to see a psychologist, cause I don't know that I would be around with out her help.

Keep writing and reaching out to others..after all we know how you do feel.

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No you aren't alone. I worked for a company for a few years out on disability got laid off...... I worked for myself.. cleaning houses.. good money... but couldn't keep up with it mentally...... I was a nanny for 3 years...... best time of my life, however depression was right there..... and worked for 10 years as a manager of a storage facility at 3 different facilities and did a crappy job at that and I know it, and depresson was in full bloom. Had a major surgery, had to quit my job and remained unemployed for 6 years. Now I don't work, on disability and am thankful cuz I just couldn't do another job.

Sorry if I am rambling here.. I have one crappy one in RT. I have no "home". Hubby and I rent a room and I obviously still have trouble with the ol depression when I could spend day after day all day in bed. I am and have been medicated in various degrees for 20 years.. have bills up the wazoo for medical stuff and there is just nothing I can do about it... at least you are paying for your meds... if I did I would be in the hole every month. I do what I can do and that is all I can do. I guess I just wanted you to know you aren't alone. <<<<<<<<hugz>>>>>>>>>

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I can relate, too.  In fact, as much as I adore kids I've pretty much accepted that I might never have them.  I haven't got the physical or mental faculties to hold even a part-time job at the moment.  I can't imagine ever being able to simultaneously work and raise kids (and I'm not planning my life around a hypothetical marriage to a financially well-off guy!). 

Alone...no relationship (or friends to pal around with)...But it doesn't always have to be that way, for either of us.  Not to bombard you with advice, but have you thought about joining a volunteer organization or club, or taking up a new hobby?  Church, if you're religious/spiritual (maybe a UU church if you're unsure or fall into one of the spiritual minority categories).

And what about some of the alternatives to meds like a vagal nerve stimulator?  (There's a thread about that on the Whatever Works board.)  Have you applied for public assistance?  Have you tried any of the prescription assistance programs that are available? 

Ok, now it sounds like advice bombardment, so I'll stop while I'm ahead.  I don't know, Libby.  Maybe it is depression talking.  Depression leaves you hopeless, thinking, "Why bother."  Normal people have hope, they see options where the depressed see padlocked doors and walls.  My thinking can get awfully skewed when I'm in a major episode.  My mom isn't the most empathetic of people, but she always hits the nail on the head when she says, "Depression changes how you see everything."  My reality seems like Reality, but it isn't always.  I'm learning that I can't always (can't usually, more like) trust my perception of reality.  Sometimes it's simply a matter of telling myself Maybe I'm wrong about this/that.  Sometimes the best I can do is distrust myself.  Just because it seems like my thinking is fine doesn't mean it is. 

:::Hugs:::

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I am sorry that things are  rough for you. I can relate. I'm in a new city that I hate, can't hold a job and am trying to get disability, and have no friends here. I have a masters too but it doesn't mean squat because I can't use it for anything. We're here for you. I'm understand too because I always worry about everything and the anxiety just wont stop. The depression can get a hold of you and shake you raw but you can get through it. I hope you feel better soon.

Lilie

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Libby, as usual I'm identifying with a lot of what you're saying.  Especially the money thing and insurance.  I read on here how everyone is going to their psychiatrists all the time, and taking 50 different medicines.  Everyone who has good insurance should really be thankful. I'm in the position of having some really bad insurance for the self employed.  It will only pay when I'm actually in the hospital, if it's not a pre-exisiting condition, if it's a Tuesday, if it's not raining, and if they darn well want to.  Actually, sometimes I think I'd be better off without it.

I also think sometimes that my depression is caused by how I've managed to paint myself into a corner financially.  But then I have to realize that the reason I painted myself in that corner was because of how I was trying to deal with the depression--self medicating doing foolish things that made me temporarily feel better.  In many ways I feel like I deserve it.  I at one time had good insurance and enough money.  I threw it all away, so I got what I deserved.  I can't get away from the feeling that everything bad that happens to me is because I deserve it. I have horrible guilt problems.

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I at one time had good insurance and enough money.  I threw it all away, so I got what I deserved.  I can't get away from the feeling that everything bad that happens to me is because I deserve it. I have horrible guilt problems.
I hear ya, Cyndy.  I go back and forth between believing I deserve it, and then believing that I'm entitled to better, and why is this stuff happening to me?  LOL. I am nuts. 

Lilie, thanks for your response too.

I have to add an addendum.  I went to lunch with a new friend today.  So, all is not lost.  I guess I'll try not to expect anything.

I really, really wish I had health insurance.

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