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when you have little ones...*long half assed rant*

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I don't have kids, but I often take care of my niece and nephew which are both like me and on the autistic spectrum. Which probably makes it easier rather than more difficult. But stress is always suck ass. Especially when you have to suck it up around the little ones. Cause they can't help what's going on and stuff. So, yeah.

Sorry I'm not much help.

But there are many who are here that are parents of little ones. And big ones and medium sized ones. Many parents. With the holiday weekend they may not be able to check in though for a bit. Sorry.

But they should be by soon.

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1) Look for child care to provide respite. There are affordable options just about everywhere if you know where to look. Ask pdoc about community resources, or better still, your therapist if you have one. In the very least, he or she should be able to refer you to where you can ask. Check with your local Y. Check with churches in your area- you usually do not have to be a member. Even hiring a jr high or high school student who can be there and help out while you stay in the house with them could provide you with some sort of break.

2) Check with your pediatrician and/or hospital to see if there are any preemie parenting support groups in your area. Often just meeting and making friends with other parents can be helpful in relieving stress and they will be able to share your concerns (I'm assuming since you have twins and one is tube-fed that they were born prematurely?) You can again find other support groups through churches and possibly your pdoc. Often childcare is provided for these or you can bring them with you.

3) Redefine breaks. You might not get 10 consecutive minutes. But if you can get two minutes at a time, throughout the day, where you can sit down and listen a couple of minutes of relaxing music, walk into another room and scream at the top of your longs, eat a piece of outrageously expensive chocolate, or otherwise indulge yourself, it will help get you through even if you don't get that one, longer break.

4) Take care of yourself. You've said you have no time to yourself, but I assume you still sleep (the kids HAVE to sleep sometime, even if it is for short periods), still eat. Eat healthy foods and sleep when the kids do as much as possible, even if that means several "cat naps" throughout the day. Drink plenty of water and take your meds on time- utilize an alarm clock or timer if you need to. You need to keep yourself as well as possible to be able to function for your kids and to keep your own immune system strong.

5) Simplify. Use paper plates, disposable forks and cups. Mother Nature will forgive you this once. ; ) Prepare simple meals- include plenty of fruits and veggies, which are easy to prepare. I'm sure you can think of other ideas.

6) Take them outside for a little while once they've gotten better, weather permitting. Even if it is just sitting on the front porch. Fresh air and sunlight do help. Keep your curtains OPEN during the day (unless you live in an awful slum, in which case, keep them firmly shut. ; )

Do what you have to do to survive. Call your pdoc if things get overwhelming. But it is normal to be stressed out when you are a parent, MI or not, particularly if your spouse is not often around and you have kids with special concerns. Remember this time in your life, and their lives, WILL pass. It is dragging on right now and feels miserable, but it WILL end. The day will come when you will no longer be cleaning their puke off the couch. Enjoy the good moments you can find as much as you can and cling to them when everything is turning to crap. Hold their smiles in front of you as a beacon in the darkness.

All stress can't be avoided. All you can do is the best you can, and the best you can, if it is keeping everybody alive and in one piece, is just fine. You're doing great just by hanging on.

Hope your DD feels better quickly and you get some relief.

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Call a church and ask for help. They won't care if you are a member or not. This happened all the time at the Episcopal church I used to attend, people calling for help, people who hadn't set foot i a church in years, if ever. They got a lot of help from the church members. They seem to be pretty open minded, so you might want to start with Episcopal Church.

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Another desert denizen here. Yeah, I know about the little ones: single mom, raised my son alone. There is no adequate description of the unending exhaustion of those first years. If you live through it, it gets better. Way better. And faster than you would think. Bit first you have to get through the early years.

I really, really feel for you. Don't you just love those books that tell you that you have to take care of yourself in order to be able to take care of your babies? Yeah, right. Like there's time to take care of yourself. Hah!

But you have to find a way to carve out some time for yourself. The alternatives are ugly, mostly illegal and make you feel really bad.

Desperate times call for desperate measures. You have to talk to your kids' pediatrician and your pdoc or regular doc about this. You need some peace. You need some sleep. You need to take a long walk and sit on a rock in silence.

This is one time in your life that you get to ask for help and get it. But you have to ask. Sometimes you have to demand. You're not crazy, you're not weak and you're not a bad mother. This is just the way it is.

There were times I resorted to things like giving my exceedingly colicky babe liquid Dramamine to get him to sleep for more than two hours at a time, or making sure he was dry and fed, closing his door and turning on music as loud as it would go to hear something other than crying. It was better than slamming his head against the wall or putting my head in the oven.

You're not alone. Come here and rant any time you want. It helps.

I hope your daughter is better soon.


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  • 1 month later...

Don't you just love those books that tell you that you have to take care of yourself in order to be able to take care of your babies? Yeah, right. Like there's time to take care of yourself. Hah!

Oh, my God, yes!

My favorite (although no offense to faith because it IS good advice if your baby allows it) was:

"Sleep when your baby sleeps."

Right. This is what Owen's sleep schedule looked like for the first few months:

9:07pm to 9:46 pm

10:32 pm to 1:41 am

3:02am to 4:29 am

6:05 to 6:59 am

8:16 to 8:29 am

9:06 to 9:13 am

11:31 to 12:00 pm

3:26 to 4:14 pm

5:07 to 5:10 pm

8:54 to 11:02 pm

I would read this stuff that said babies under 6 months would sleep anywhere from 12-16 hours in a 24 hour period, although of course cut up into 2-4 hour chunks. Yeah, right!! Who were these babies? Owen slept maybe 8 or 9 hours in a 24 hour period and cut up into 10 minutes here 30 minutes there. At night, I was getting--if I was lucky--two 3 hour chunks of sleep. And NOOOO naps, because of his fucked up sleeping patterns. In fact, I remember the first time I got two 3 hour chunks of sleep in one night. I felt so revived! As though that's a good night's sleep, to sleep for 3 hours, be awake for an hour and a half and then sleep for another 3 hours! (He would nurse for 45 minutes at that time, and then I'd have to spend another 20 minutes or so making sure he was asleep and then it'd take me 30 minutes to fall back asleep.)

And I don't care how fucking tired I am. It takes me at least 30 minutes to fall asleep, especially if I'm anxious, which I was when I had a new baby in the house. (Am I allowed to say the f-word on the mommy side of the crazyboards? I feel self-conscious but I'm going to put it out there and see what reaction I get. Let me know if you'd rather I not.)

Okay, I'm ranting, too, and it's not my thread.

I'm with greeny and I don't even have a colicky baby but they cry an awful lot when they're newborn (although I realize yours aren't). There were so many times I so would've given him a drop or two of brandy in a bottle of breastmilk if we'd had any alcohol in this house. I even thought about grinding up a tiny bit of Benadryl. I was so desperate for relief.

I don't think you can wait 3 weeks. Can't somebody prescribe something to help you sleep? I'm jealous of your babies' sleep schedules! Of course, they're older (and, granted, my baby sleeps better now that he's almost 6 months old). Sleep will do wonders, at least that's what I always think. When you're anxious and then you can't sleep because you're anxious...that's a vicious, vicious cycle.

BTW, what does Banner Desert mean?

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I missed this thread the first time it came around. I don't have twins, but a son (6) and daughter (4), (the 20yo doesn't count for the moment). I've been through some rough times with them, with an out of town husband. I remember going through rotavirus, diarrhea every freakin' 20 minutes around the clock. Oh god. I know this isn't of much help to you, but it WILL pass. Bug the hell out of your dr for something mild to help you sleep. Do you have a female doc? I've found from experience that they're much more sympathetic. I have no magic words of wisdom besides all the wonderful advice that has already been posted. Do try to find someone to care for your kids for short periods of time. I have my daughter at the Y, and she loves it. I took my son when he was very young to an episcopal daycare. I HAD to have it, he was colicky and difficult. Oh, I guess I can offer one piece of advice: if you find some type of daycare, DON'T spend the time running errands and cleaning and staying busy. Go home, sit in an armchair, soak in the bath, or just lay down and go to sleep. Be as good to yourself as you can be, you'll feel so much better when you go to pick them up.

I wish you the best of luck. Check in and let us know how things are going.

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