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I am bouncing off the walls with anxiety and constant feelings of panic. Can't get to work can't function can't think can't cope. I thought I was strong enough to cope off meds, I thought after 5 years of stability I could just live like a normal person med free and get on with life. 3 months since I stopped my meds (tapered sensibly) and I have suddenly gone into a tail spin, I stood with the rope around my neck yesterday crying uncontrollably, I was so close but something stopped me. I don't know if it will stop me again, whatever it was.

I am crying everyday hysterically and my finace has missed days of work or come home early far too much this last week as he is really worried I won't be here if he leaves for too long.

The world wont stop RATTLING around my head.

I started taking my AD again but I don't know if I can hold on long enough for it to kick in. I can't cope but I can't go to hospital again 7 years was too much too many memories. I just want to stay home but I am so SCARED!!

Halp ;)

Elly

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Hi Merlin,

Sorry things are not going well for you right now. Do you have a pdoc or tdoc you can call? Any old cognitive behavior therapy exercises you could dig up? Is there a crisis center that could arrange for outpatient care?

For what it's worth...things have changed a lot over the last 5 years (at least where I live). Care is better, hospitals are nicer, and there are more options.

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mf-

it sucks that you feel like crap. ;) i understand totally.

i hate to say it, but you should probably talk to your pdoc about being on meds your whole life. i'm pretty sure i will be (well, for bipolar disorder, uh, yeah).

if you do need to go to the hospital, don't be afraid to do it. the longest i've ever stayed was 9 days. they get you through the peak phase of your attack and get you hooked up with resources outside of the hospital to support you in your recovery.

as wz said, you can access those resources without going to the hospital. but if you're standing there again and you're going to do it, go to the hospital and not the morgue.

i found my dad dead and it wasn't a pretty picture. don't let it happen to you! i'd give my life to have him back. people in your life love you! :)

love,

loon

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Elly,

sorry you are in such straights now.

You are right it could be as long as several weeks for you old meds to kick in.

Can you call your pdoc tomorrow? You need to get back in the loop with some guidance.

If you feel that you are not safe, then you need to go to the ER. They can get you the meds and attention you need. If you can't get to the ER, call 911 and tell them you are suicidal. They WILL help you, I promise.

The good thing is that you already know that meds do work and that is just a matter of time till you will be back in the swing.

best,

a.m.

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I am bouncing off the walls with anxiety and constant feelings of panic. Can't get to work can't function can't think can't cope. I thought I was strong enough to cope off meds, I thought after 5 years of stability I could just live like a normal person med free and get on with life. 3 months since I stopped my meds (tapered sensibly) and I have suddenly gone into a tail spin, I stood with the rope around my neck yesterday crying uncontrollably, I was so close but something stopped me. I don't know if it will stop me again, whatever it was.

When a person is crashing this hard, I think there are some things a doctor can prescribe short-term that

can help out until the AD really kicks in. So the first thing is to call your doctor and/or your health plan to schedule

an emergency appointment - even if it means going in and camping out for the first cancellation.

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Just try and hang in there, as they say in AA "This too shall pass" - I went through a similar med-quitting experiment earlier this year and it weren't pretty - I ended up pretty much as you are now. Go to the doctors as soon as you can - as nulltrooper said - they might be able to give you something to tide you over whilst the meds kick in. It took my meds two weeks to kick in and I have been relatively stable ever since. You can get back on top of the situation with the help of the professionals and all this pain will be a distant memory. Don't feel bad about having to go back on drugs, they could save your life and you don't have to suffer like this

best wishes

blackbird x

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I am bouncing off the walls with anxiety and constant feelings of panic.....

Halp ;)

Elly

NO SUICIDES ALLOWED. Sorry girl, but it has already been decided that once you post on this board you are not allowed to off yourself. It's in the fine print of the by-laws that you agreed to by registering. I swear. (ok not really, but let's pretend)

Call a doc, any doc who knows anything, and get on some kind of anti-anxiety thing. May I suggest and an anti-psychotic (seroquel) or benzo (xanax)? Something to mellow yourself out. NOW. IMMEDIATELY. Get fiancee (or anyone) to do it if you can't. YES - NOW. DOn't know about you, but ADso can be activating for me and that is not what you need now. Keep taking them, but look into something to chill you out. NOT lamictal or anything else that takes a long time to titrate up on.

Don't be scared to go to the hospital, it is safe and would you rather be dead? Dead is not better. Or at least there is no way of knowing if it is better, it may be worse. Can you imagine killing yourself and winding up in a worse place than this for eternity? Play the odds.

2 years ago (+ 2 weeks) I was truly where you are now. Lots of people here have been where you are. You are not alone. Hang in there and keep posting.

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Thanks for the support guys. It's certainly been a rough week that's for sure. I have a gp appointment on the 5th but I am going to phone him up and bring it forward to hopefully tomorrow, I'm so agoraphobic again right now I got to see if fiance will take some time off work to take me there. No way I can do the drive freaking out so much.

I don't have a psych anymore as I have been stable for 5 years and have not needed anyone. Hopefully some benzo's from the gp will keep me going til the ADs kick in, I never thought of getting those so thanks Supergwen for suggesting it.

I spent nearly 7 years hospitalised a few years back so I know for sure I don't want to go back in. I am better off here with my animals and away from people who are ill (I get I can be iller than you competitivness!!).

Loon-A-Tik, I was also told I would be on ADs for life after being so ill, but I thought after 5 years of feeling ok and not depressed at all I would be fine off the ADs. Doh! They really meant for life. Bugger.

I am so anxious I don't know what to do with myself. Meant to be at work again today but I can't stop crying.

God, I hate feeling like this so much.

What if the ADs don't work this time? *panics*

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with ADs, are you talking about SSRIs? there are a lot of other types of meds they could try and play with. also, don't forget, there are the atypical antipsychotics now, and those will get you out of a funk really quickly. as wz pointed out, zyprexa is strong stuff and can get you from batshit to normal in 3 days flat. i've taken zyperxa and know it is strong. but it isn't so hot to be on it for long unless you have to be, because of the diabetes risk and all. (i also worshipped dairy queen and couldn't stop eating ice cream and gained 30lbs in a month!).

you'll pull out of this! you've always pulled out before, right? this is a temporary thing. you don't want to end up in the morgue when you should be at the pdoc or safely in a day treatment program, or whatever level of support you are comfortable and safe with. the most important thing is that you're safe.

be well.

loon

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Citalopram is the AD I have been on for years. I have tried every AD under the sun and this was the only one that worked, so despite the fact it seems to exasperate my anxiety I feel like it's the only one that will help me get back out of this.

I've been on chlorpromazine before for anxiety but found it zonked me out too much. I am hoping to pick up out of this state quickly so I can get back to work which requires driving. I could never drive on chlorpromazine. I honestly don't know what I'll do if this carries on much longer, I have reached the end of my tether. I am too agoraphobic to get outpatient care, I just can't cope with anything, even psych proffessionals. God, I am going insane.

Gone insane?

Aargh.

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I hope the crying spells level off soon. Good luck.

I remember hearing my neurologist saying how I could be on my Tegretol for the rest of my life, and making nothing of it. FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE? Aarghh! Incomprehensible! But, maybe it'd be worse to be dead; or, continuing to plummet down into anxious depression.

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Its those magic freaking words: "The rest of your life" that suck so bad. I hope your meds will kick in soon and I hope your doc can give you something for the panic and icky feelings in the interim. Keep the doors open, keep calling the docs, go to emergency if you have to. Can you have a neighbor go pick up your meds for you?My husband picks up mine when I'm not okay. Keep talking we're here...

lilie

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You stand in the line just to hit a new low

You're faking a smile with the coffee to go

You tell me your life's been way off line

You're falling to pieces everytime

Finally got dragged to see my gp by my fiance who was getting pretty worried about me. Agoraphobia kicked in big time and I cancelled appointment after appointment, just wanted to be left the hell alone. He has prescribed 3 x 5mg diazepam a day to get me through this rocky patch. Hospital was suggested for a few weeks til my AD kicked back in and my mood stabilised but I actually feel too ill to face that! (I am crazy), trying to cope with being inpatient with my anxiety and panic skyrocketing and agoraphobia crippling me, I'd never be able to calm down enough to sleep or sit still. Not that I can do that at home very well, but at least I am somewhere familiar right.

Glad I took my fiance to my appt with me as I was in such a state after waiting for an hour (he was running late) that I walked in to his office and started crying instantly. I just sat and stared out the window with tears streaming down my face whilst they tried to decide what to do with me.

I am horribly suicidal and the thoughts just wont get out of my head. I am screaming and screaming inside from all the anxiety that I feel like I am loosing the plot. Keep forgetting what I was saying and staring off in to space. Man, after 5 years of depression stability I had entirely forgotten just how immensely crap I can feel. I am terrified the AD wont work this time around and I have spoiled my only chance of a normal life and I terrified the anxiety wont go away this time and I will be always stuck in this half life.

I am feeling so desperate and afraid and lost. I just want it to end so badly.

Elly

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This is not going to last forever. I promise. And if I'm wrong I give you permission to track me down and kick me in the ribs. Repeatedly.

I'm really sorry you are having such a horrible time of it. I can't identify with everything you said, but I do know what it's like to want it all to end.

Just remember, you've beaten this thing once, you can do it again.

Best of luck,

Jenny

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This is not going to last forever. I promise. And if I'm wrong I give you permission to track me down and kick me in the ribs. Repeatedly.

We'll even help out with the souvenir videotape! ;)

I'm just wondering (although drug laws my not permit) if it might not be even a little better for your fiancee to hold on to your

meds. Just to make sure you're not tempted to do something counterproductive, and also so that you are sure to see one

person you can bear to be with.

I dunno. It might be worth researching some of the "atypical anti-psychotics" for one that works better than usual for

severe anxiety and so forth. As WZ mentioned, Zyprexa has helped some folks with depression/anxiety problems.

And Symbyax is a combination of fluoxetine (Prozac) and olanzapine (Zyprexa). Not that these specific drugs will do you any

good - I just wanted to point out that there are med combinations that can improve an AD's effectiveness when it's

really, really needed.

As to being "on meds for life": most of us lose more money from an extra day out from work than our monthly copay. That's a

fair exchange - more than far if one or two little pills can help a person keep a job.

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