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I found myself staring into my medicing cubbard, wondering which drug would do it. But I don't wan't to try and not succeed. Everyone would hate me and I'd end up hospitalized. But the stressess in my life right now include an upcoming divorce, which is breaking my heart into tiny little pieces. I can't take it anymore. I don't want to feel this pain anymore. Money is a huge issue too which means neither or us can move until tax season. I feel so alone.

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Don't do it Waterfall.

It isn't necessarily painless nor pretty. For me the hardest thing to deal with is the guilt of what I would do to those who have to pick up the pieces and clean up the literal and figurative messes I've created.

Go sit in the sun with a fresh cup of coffee.

Take a walk.

Call your pdoc and therapist.

Come around back here!

a.m.

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It's hard to deal with these feelings. It's not easy getting to where you can go day by day saying, "Okay, I feel like killing myself. BUT I WON'T!"

You'll get to that point. It takes so much time and effort but it's worth it: to you, your family, and everyone who knows you and sees you as a person they want around. ;)

Especially here, you are not alone. Almost everyone on CB can attest to that.

You'll get there, just be nice to yourself, and have someone you trust put meds you don't need in a lock box, just to be safe. (if you want to. You don't have to, but for some people it helps).

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Waterfall, think about what you said about everyone being so upset if you tried and failed and ended up hospitalized. Now imagine how much worse it would be if you actually did "it". Your loved ones would be devastated. That is the thought that keeps me from doing "it".

Hang in there. Divorce is hell, but it will pass and things can only get better from here.

Try not to overdo it with the klonopin. Think of your poor liver.

If you can, call your pdoc. Maybe a med adjustment would help. I'm not sure what meds you take, but Seroquel is the one that blunts out the pain for me. If you aren't on an AAP already, maybe you could inquire?

((HUGS)) Dee

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my husband and i were seperated for almost 2 years before we got a formal divorce. he was living in IL and i in OH, and we were still technically married. when he sent me the divorce papers, i paused over them and really had to think with my heart and head. it was final. i did it. no more marriage.

it did break my heart to sign the papers. even though i knew it was the logical and right thing to do- after all, i had left him for good reasons even though i was in a mania at the time- i still felt it in my heart that maybe i could move back to IL and we could try again.

i understand the feeling of not wanting a divorce.

but this guy sounds like a real scumbag. if he is anything like the picture i get of him, he is just a drunken fool who doesn't deserve you, and you deserve better than what you're getting.

don't do "it", especially over feelings of sadness relating to a divorce. a divorce is terrible, i've been there, but it isn't worth your life. think of how i felt when my dad committed suicide. a piece of each person who loves you would die with you. no matter how shit-down low i feel, i could never do what my dad did to me to anyone else i love.

i hope you feel better. just write to us if you need support.

loon

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Waterfall--of you want ONE reason not to take your life, read, and re-read, Loon's account of her dad's suicide and its affect on her as his child. I was so close--and that made me realize that I love my kids more than I want to die. Hurting them like that is beyond my ken--I have done nothing but love and protet and want the best for them for thier whole lives. Why would I choose an act that might realistically destroy them?

Killing myself is the ultimate selfish act--and would bring untold and unending grief, guilt, and push them right over the edge

Loon has captured her feeling so clearly--please read and think about her words.

But also know that so many of us have been where you are--just stay with us, keep posting, letskeep talking--

with love,

china

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Hi!

Im on the end part of my divorce. h & i have been physically separated for 2 years. I did not want a divorce. I tried everything to "save" the marriage. h found his soulmate and it isnt me.

i did a very similar thing with xanax one time about last year....I just slept. I wasnt really wanting to die, i just wanted the pain to go away.

the H did a suicide attempt....but he called it an "accident." this was shortly after we separated. he took a handful of various pills and several bottles of pinot grigio. he was in the hospital for a week. it was really sad. I visited him and he was really surprised. we ended up watching tv in his room for a whole day.

he was adamant about the divorce....so what could i do?

sometimes all i can do is think about the next breath. and then the next 5 minutes, and so on.

much love,

december

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I took ten Klonopin last night before bed. I knew it wouldn't kill me, but it certainly blunted the pain. I slept like a baby but woke up barely able to function. Won't be doing that again!

GODDAMN IT - CALL A DOC.

Don't mind me. Feeling a bit hostile. Nothing personal.

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I'm not suicidal now, but I can't eat, I am too upset.

My husband wants to figure out if he can be the man he needs to be adn still be with me. I think it'is a bunch of horseshit. Here I sit crying myself to sleep everynight while I wait for him to figure his shit out. It totally sucks.

I did look at all of my pill bottles last night, but instead of taking them all I went to that site that gives you reasons not to kill yourself. My husband found me reading about suicide and the things he said made me laugh because suicide is truly ridiculous. I won't do that to my children.

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Keep repearting this mantra we all learned in the 3td grade--you can even make signs--

"BOYS ARE STUPID"

I have been there--"do I want a divorce, or not?" Hmm--lets leave the "old wife" hanging out, look how much she needs me, all that crying and shit. Bet I could string this along for months. Wonder when she'll start the begging? I can play this for all its worth.

Yes, I did the crying and begging and even the "can't we all be friends" and hang out together shit--

Honey, you need to take care of yourself and your kids. You can live your life without him, and the minute you figure that out, he may decide he wants to be married to you forever. BEWARE!! You are a strong, mature woman and if you have him (or any man) in your life, its YOUR CHOICE--or a mutual choice. You are not at the mercy of this passive/agressive nutcase who is playing you like a violin.

Sorry to be so harsh--I just know where you are, I was there, and when I remember my incredibly needy, horrible behavior in response to this kind of shit, I want to go hide somewhere. Do you really want to be married to someone who is not sure he wants to be married to you? You are worth more than that.

Hang in there--

love, china

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Yup, I'm doing the crying bit. I've nearly begged him to stop sleeping on the couch. He says his feelings for me have changed. He used to be a really good person but he's become someone he doesn't like in the past five years we've been married. So he has to figure out if he can be that man he used to be and still be married to me.

I think he is being sincere. I just miss him. He lives at home but he sleeps on the couch most of the time. I miss morning cuddles.

I've got to stop doing the needy bit, it's not helping. He is going for therapy and we are going to do marriage therapy too. Plus, we don't have enough money for one household let alone two! So he should just suck it up. He made his bed, so it's time to lie in it.

Plus, who is he ever going to find who loves him as much as I do?

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Oh, trust me, there wil be countless women who will "love him" as much as you. They just won't need him as much and he won't have the satisfaction of stringing them along with the "maybes" and the counseling and all that.

If he doesn't like who he is, why do you?? I know, you see the "real him" under all that--well, maybe it is still there, but is it worth what he's doing to your self-esteem? What are you teaching your children about the position and importance of women in a relationship? That we have to be grateful for any many who "might" love us? That we are totally dependent on men for what ever our feelings may be at any given moment?

If he doesn't want to be married, he needs to leave, and figure out a way to support you and the kids until YOU can get the skills and experience you need to stand on your own feet. Tough shit if it means he won't have any play money--you can't have both. Counseling for each of you, sure--but cou0ples counseling at this point seems a little after the fact.

I'm sorry I sound so harsh--I just have tapped right into the year I spent where you are. I made so many mistakes--I guess I am trying to keep you from making the same ones. The thing I regret the most is the picture/symbol I represented to my kids through all this. They are soaking all this up, my friend, and this is really not fair to them.

I do care--

love, china

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I just found out that he sucked a transvestite's dick and fingered a whore at a strip joint. Then it got nasty. I scratched his chest and he threw me then hit me in the head repeatedly. I have no w here to go. He is at his father's house now, but then what? I still need to go to work tommorow afternoon. He is the only one who can watch the kids.

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He is allowed to suck and finger anyone he wants. You know that or need to know that. It is his body to do what pleases.

BOYS ARE NOT STUPID China is wrong. I wish she would stop bashing men. Boys are brought up by women mostly and are taught, or not taught how to behave. What are your sons learning waterfall?

He is NOT allowed to hit you and you have got to STOP abusing him. Call the police NOW and charge him with assault. Get up and go to a shelter NOW. Is domestic violence a reason for removal by child welfare people? I would intervene if I could. This is not a healthy situation for your children. They have no choice in the matter. You, an adult, have a choice and you are choosing to not protect them because you want to be comfy staying where you are. They would be better off having you being with them in poverty in a shelter with nothing, than you working and being away from them and living with these abusive dynamics.

Seriously think about it.

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