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OK, if you were to 'sense' that someone was in your, say, backyard...but you know that they aren't actually there...even without looking...what the hell is that called? Like almost a feeling of being watched, but not really. Just that they are there all the time.

Please help me!

Thanks.

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OK, if you were to 'sense' that someone was in your, say, backyard...but you know that they aren't actually there...even without looking...what the hell is that called? Like almost a feeling of being watched, but not really. Just that they are there all the time.

Please help me!

Thanks.

possibly paranoia...i used to get this feeling in the shower whenever i closed my eyes. Its not a nice feeling; I empathise with you.

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I see you're on Seroquel, but only prn. Maybe taking that regularly? But then, you would have to talk about it with your pdoc. Why can't you do that? I mean, I can get that some things are just hard to disclose, but with your pdoc it's really important to be honest, or s/he can't really treat you accurately. Give it some thought at least.

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I was at 200mg a night for sleep. My pdoc said I could self-adjust 50-400mg...to get into a regular 8-9 hour per night sleep pattern. Which just can't happen working nights.

I didn't like eating everything in sight when I woke up in the morning, so I have tapered down to 25 occas for anxiety.

But even when I was on 200mg plus extra doses of 50 prn in the day for anxiety, I still had the backyard situation going on.

Do you think another med would help?

OK, about the disclosure thing. I guess because I'm a f/t working professional. And pdoc sees me as a 'high functioning' individual...despite some severe depressions and suicidal thoughts. I also get anxious and irritable. When I get those crappy mixed episodes, he wants me to take time off work. Which is fine.

I just feel like if he knew I was sensing things that aren't there...maybe he would think I shouldn't be working at all? Like question my safety around other people?

Or maybe I'm just embarrassed about it, I guess. I've never told anybody before.

Just starting this post was one of the hardest things I have ever done. *cold sweat*

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this is a thread from June you may find helpful, it has a good link.

There are lots of terms for not quite delusional, some just say mild delusions if you iknow they're not acttually true but still kind of feel that they are or might be.

If that thread by AirMarshall doesn't help. then post again and I'll try and find some more links for you.

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I know the feeling, I've had psychotic episodes, and I'm not exactly fond of telling people but I try really hard to be honest with my pdoc. Really, they're used to this type of stuff. Having delusions, or mild delusions, does not mean you're a safety risk to other pepple, and your pdoc should know that.

I hope you can confide in your pdoc, and if you can't because the trust isn't there, maybe it's time to look for someone else.

And about meds... yeah, antipsychotics should help. Maybe the Seroquel dose is to small, I don't know. Maybe a higher dose or another AP would do the trick. If it really is a problem for you, then you and your pdoc should try finding a med that works. It's just a matter of finding the right one.

Keep posting.

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Thanks for the thread. I'm still confused, but it does help.

OK, I guess my issue is this. I am a control freak. About everything. From where the little volume lights for the car stereo line up (my OCD-ness) to the fact that I will never EVER depend on any man to support me. (HUGE drive to have a successful career.)

I have planned EVERY freakin thing in my adult life and BY GOD that is how it has gone...and will continue to go.

This little a$$hole sitting in my backyard upsets the plan. It is a reminder that I do not have the ultimate control of my mind and that is what is so distressing to me. That I can't make it go away no matter what.

OK, this is ridiculous.

I should not be so upset about this.

Thank you for letting me vent.

*stomping off to take something for anxiety*

And yes, I will tell my pdoc.

You are right. I do trust him.

Thank you.

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You (control freak) are a lot like my dd (19). I don't know how old you are but from an "almost 50 year old control freak" (yes, I swear my dd inherited it from me), I can tell you that it's not healthy to be that way and ultimately is self destructive. Easy said, hard to change - I know. The bottom line is that we can't control everything in our lives and even though we "control freaks" can intelluctually understand that we somehow think, deep down, that we can still manipulate a way to control it. Frankly, I think they used to call it "Type A" personality. Anyways, when we are in a situation that we can't control it's incomprehensible to us. My dd uses the word "weak" and even though she hasn't quite gotten "there" in therapy yet, this sense of "weakness" is the fact that she has always been in control of her life, had all her ducks in a row for an full athletic scholarship and a career in medicine, and now she has an illness (or several) that have, at a minimum, put significant limitations to her life plans including not being allowed to play her sport (because of too many concussions and subsequent brain trauma) and clearly not being able to handle the rigors of medical school due to her illness and medication side effects. She is completely floundering with how to deal with this sense of "non-control" but she IS working through it, slowly. I know you aren't asking about the "control" part of your post but I am being forced to deal with it now and it's causing me tremendous pain and anguish. I honestly wish someone had really talked to me about it several decades ago. I think I would be emotionally healthier now if I had.

As for the "people in the backyard who are watching you" - dd has started feeling that, again. In dd's case, it seems that thoughts like this come and go. In her case, as yours, she clearly knows there aren't people "around her" nor are they "following her" but she still "feels" it. I think it will depend on your doctor as whether or not he feels this is delusional - from what I understand, it is not delusional if you know it's not true regardless of your "sense" of it. However, I think our doctor said that these thoughts are classified as delusional. O.K., one more thing to get off my chest - this whole issue of what classifies a diagnosis ticks me off because 3/4 of the world could be called delusional at one time or another given "free thought". I wonder if these thoughts of yours and dd's are anxiety related - that's my guess given what I see dd going through these days.

DD takes 800 mg. of Seroquel a day. This actually started back up with the increase from about 600 mg. although I don't think it's probably related. Honestly, for dd, these "senses" come and go as do many of her symptoms. We were just talking about this last night, she goes through phases of where she'll feel this way for a while, then it goes away and she starts to want to hurt herself, then it goes away and she starts to have intrusive thoughts..... I would try to increase the Seroquel or try another AAP, consider trying an anti-anxiety drug, and stay focused on the fact that those people aren't there and try not to let them "control" you because that's what I fear for my dd - if she starts buying into these thoughts then she'll start thinking about them more and more and those thoughts may become more and more complex. The less she allows them to "remain in her thoughts", the better she seems to be. As she says, she can't stop the thought from coming into her head but she can control how she reacts to them.

Take care,

DMF

Thanks for the thread. I'm still confused, but it does help.

OK, I guess my issue is this. I am a control freak. About everything. From where the little volume lights for the car stereo line up (my OCD-ness) to the fact that I will never EVER depend on any man to support me. (HUGE drive to have a successful career.)

I have planned EVERY freakin thing in my adult life and BY GOD that is how it has gone...and will continue to go.

This little a$$hole sitting in my backyard upsets the plan. It is a reminder that I do not have the ultimate control of my mind and that is what is so distressing to me. That I can't make it go away no matter what.

OK, this is ridiculous.

I should not be so upset about this.

Thank you for letting me vent.

*stomping off to take something for anxiety*

And yes, I will tell my pdoc.

You are right. I do trust him.

Thank you.

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Wow. The impossible just happened. Just called pdoc's office to talk to the receptionist. She has this VERY calm voice and I knew that I wouldn't be able to get in any sooner than my appt next week...but that just talking to her would totally calm me down. All I said was I was having a bad day...and poof...she put me on with my pdoc.

OMG, I freaked. B/c I didn't even call to talk to him. And he is always so busy...

So there I am, frozen in fear, and of course THEN I was FORCED to tell him what was going on.

I TOLD him, you guys!!! That I felt like I was losing it, that I couldn't control my thoughts and that there are like people outside my house but not really. And I said 'am I crazy?' and he said 'no! you are just fearful!' and he asked what I have been working on with my tdoc this week...

And THEN there was a cancellation, so I'm going in today for a long appt, not just the short-sweet-to-the-point kind.

*passing out*

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DMF...I'm in my mid-30's.

I was trying to deal with the control topic with tdoc the other day. How I refuse to give up control. He asked if I could be a SAHM. Ummm...no way. (As much as I would love it).

Merge bank accounts? Hell no!

He said how about being injured and on disability and depending on your husband? I had an immediate physical reaction to that and said stop or this will become panic attack.

So he backed off and just said that the reason is I am protecting myself from getting hurt.

But I don't understand how I could get hurt now that I'm an adult...it's not like I'm a kid anymore in an abusive situation that I can't avoid. And I keep people at arm's length, with intimacy, so if they leave, it wouldn't devastate me. Even dh. I know that isn't healthy, but it is just how it is.

I don't understand about your self-destructive stuff/pain/anguish you are dealing with now? And I know it is off topic, but I appreciate you bringing it up b/c anything to make the REST of my life easier than it has been is...well...a good thing. Feel free to...(what's the word...dopamax brain)...continue. You know what I mean.

P.S. Does the wt gain with the Sero eventually stop with your dd?

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Wow. The impossible just happened. Just called pdoc's office to talk to the receptionist. She has this VERY calm voice and I knew that I wouldn't be able to get in any sooner than my appt next week...but that just talking to her would totally calm me down. All I said was I was having a bad day...and poof...she put me on with my pdoc.

OMG, I freaked. B/c I didn't even call to talk to him. And he is always so busy...

So there I am, frozen in fear, and of course THEN I was FORCED to tell him what was going on.

I TOLD him, you guys!!! That I felt like I was losing it, that I couldn't control my thoughts and that there are like people outside my house but not really. And I said 'am I crazy?' and he said 'no! you are just fearful!' and he asked what I have been working on with my tdoc this week...

And THEN there was a cancellation, so I'm going in today for a long appt, not just the short-sweet-to-the-point kind.

*passing out*

Boysenbear, this is FANTASTIC!!!! Let us know how the appt. goes.

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First, I am SO glad you were able to talk to your doctor and are going in to see him! Let us know how it goes, o.k.?

I'm not sure about what causes one to be a control freak, either. I've just always been that way, kwim? I have been a SAHM and really loved it but I still felt in control of my life and my life choices, if that makes any sense. I think that what I now realize is that I really am NOT in control of everything in my life and it's killing me. It's hard to describe exactly what is going on. As an example, our now adult son is making some seriously bad, bad, BAD life decisions with potentially horrible and long term consequences. No matter how hard we try to get him to see the "error of his ways" - he isn't interested. I have absolutely no control over him (and I shouldn't) but it's extremely frustrating and sorrowful to see him act in a way that is so contrary to how he was raised. In reflection, I think I just want everyone to be happy, have a good life, etc. and somehow I feel responsible for that? Maybe that's just motherhood - who knows. =) Another example is dd's illness which I can't just kiss and make better. But it is also requiring me to make choices (such as stay in my current job because of the latitude it gives me to be off) that I don't like "having" to make. Trust me, I know everyone has these issues in their lives - I just didn't really have a lot of them until recently and then, all at once, I came to the realization that, hell, I have control over very little, if anything! It's a shocker, to say the least.

I can relate to keeping people at arms length. Maybe we have too high of expecations of others? I don't tend to think so but I am one of those people who believe in "slap me once, shame on you, slap me twice, shame on me". I really don't go around judging people but once I see something in someone that is something I don't want to be around, I let them go. By that I mean I remain friendly or whatever but I don't want to get close to them. For me it's about de-boggling my life and it works for me. I get frustrated at people that constantly let others use or mistreat them. I have sympathy for them, I feel badly that it's happening to them, but it frustrates me that they don't see the writing on the wall, kwim?

As for the weight gain with Seroquel....it hasn't stopped yet and she's been on it since August, I think. We seem to change these meds like candy so I lose track. She's gained a total of about 40 lbs. while on Seroquel, a total of about 60 lbs. since starting all these meds. This is my philosophy (and it's getting harder and harder to stick to seeing her so frustrated with her weight) - it's better to be emotionally healthy and fat than skinny and psychotic.

I will also mention that watching my dd has been a little bit of a t.v. rerun of myself. I see how her expectations of herself, the stress she puts herself under, her need to be in control have caused or at least contribute to some of her problems. From the outside looking in, I see when she is under stress (even though she DOES not ever have stress, according to her) and how it affects her. I will say that her problems have opened my eyes to issues I have to deal with, too....if there were only enough energy for it all!

Anyways, I really hope your discussion with your doctor yields some positive results. DD spoke with her TDoc today and while we didn't speak of it at length she indicated that he thought it was anxiety related. Let's see, parents are close to disassociating from her brother because of his issues, she's near finals her first semester of college, she works retail and this is her first experience with "Christmas shoppers" (which, as she says, turns everyone into major PITA), her b/f has been home and gone back to his out of state college and she's missing him, the weight gain....it all adds up.

Take Care,

DMF

DMF...I'm in my mid-30's.

I was trying to deal with the control topic with tdoc the other day. How I refuse to give up control. He asked if I could be a SAHM. Ummm...no way. (As much as I would love it).

Merge bank accounts? Hell no!

He said how about being injured and on disability and depending on your husband? I had an immediate physical reaction to that and said stop or this will become panic attack.

So he backed off and just said that the reason is I am protecting myself from getting hurt.

But I don't understand how I could get hurt now that I'm an adult...it's not like I'm a kid anymore in an abusive situation that I can't avoid. And I keep people at arm's length, with intimacy, so if they leave, it wouldn't devastate me. Even dh. I know that isn't healthy, but it is just how it is.

I don't understand about your self-destructive stuff/pain/anguish you are dealing with now? And I know it is off topic, but I appreciate you bringing it up b/c anything to make the REST of my life easier than it has been is...well...a good thing. Feel free to...(what's the word...dopamax brain)...continue. You know what I mean.

P.S. Does the wt gain with the Sero eventually stop with your dd?

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My dr appt didn't help much...no real answers. He thinks it is from past trauma. I got all the questions like 'did anyone ever watch you before' etc. But he didn't 'call' it anything specific. I'm curious how he charted it. Which makes me more paranoid. But he was very reassuring that I wasn't crazy or anything. And I definitely needed to hear that.

Or maybe I am crazy and he is lying. Gaw, I HATE paranoia.

I do know this started in my teens, but who the hell can you go to and say there is someone sitting outside my window? I never felt safe/trusting enough to talk to anybody about it.

And then over time I guess I just got used to it. But for a long time I sensed it was a female presence, and that wasn't as threatening to me. Maybe almost comforting at times.

I could always ignore it up until this week. Now there is backyard guy, and several more across the street. And when I was at work last night, there was a new one...which was very disturbing to me. It usually is a sense only at home...not when I go out anywhere.

Pdoc wants me to take the Sero again, but I canNOT afford a new wardrobe right now, and I'm already at seam-rippage point in all my clothes as it is.

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DMF, I can relate. I am (just) learning that I don't have control over ever little thing. *deep breath*

Baby steps, I guess!?!

And while it is stressful in a BIG way, that is something I have chosen to pursue with tdoc. In a controlled manner, lol.

I have even controlled how the sessions go. But recently I have been trying to let things go where tdoc leads them, although the trust is just starting to grow (I've only seen him for a few months). It doesn't feel good. But I know it will be good later. At least that is my hope.

Do you see a tdoc also?

Oh, about the arms length thing...I have LOW expectations of others. They will ALL let me down. Every one of them. Given time, they will ALL f*** me over.

I would live my most fulfilling life in a cabin far, far from civilization. Alone. But that is a whole 'nother topic, so I won't go there today.

heh

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i don't know if this is the same thing, but i have the feeling that someone is in the room with me, watching me, even though i know there is nobody. and even though i know there is nobody there, i can't get rid of the feeling.

i had the feeling as i was going up on rispedal, but when i got to 3mg it went away. it's kind of comming back now even though i'm still on that dose, so maybe it was just coinsidence that it went away. you might try taking an anti-psychotic regularly, but what do i know? you should really tell your doctor about this.

YIPPEEEEEEEEEEE!

It is the same thing as me! I don't feel so damn alone anymore!

So what are you going to do now that it is back? How long have you had it? How much does it bother you? And what does your pdoc call it?

I see my pdoc again Monday, so maybe I can get something other than Sero that doesn't make me gain wt. like crazy.

Thank you SO much for your post!

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Wow, I totally know the feeling.

I think I used to get it more like that when I was younger, but I kinda forgot until you just mentioned it. Now it seems to be outside more. Except backyard guy. He hangs out on the side of the house where my master bath is. So I get that feeling IN my bathroom sometimes. > ;)

Seriously, not that I'm glad you have this too, but I am feeling relieved that I am not the only person on the planet who feels this way. B/c I was just feeling so alone before.

Thanks.

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