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Should I Dump Him?


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i'm dating this guy who for all outside appearances seems to be someone i should kick to the curb. for one, he's married with 3 kids (though claims to sleep on the couch and claims to stay in the marriage because of finances and the kids). for another, i am lower on his priority list than i should be.

for example, i have no way to reach him other than email. this should hopefully change when he gets a cell phone, but in the meantime i could die and he'd never know. i also don't know what house on his street is his. for some reason, this is important to me.

yesterday, we had planned for a month that he was going to take me to this surgery i was having (outpatient surgery). he bailed on me 2 hours before my surgery, telling me that his boss's boss wanted a meeting with him, and he thought he was going to get more money so he was going to go to them meeting. when i told him he had a commitment to me, he said "sorry, but i have other commitments too". ;)

so i went to my surgery alone.

later, he apologized profusely, and said he felt terrible about being another man who let me down and felt like he was just another jerk who put work before his family, and that he sucks. i told him that he doesn't suck, but what he did sucks, and i felt betrayed and endangered.

it turned out that his boss' boss only wanted to tell him about some new training he was going to receive, nothing about any more money (and i didn't think so, since they just got their raises last week).

maybe (and probably) this is naive, but i believe him and love him. i don't want to dump him but everyone tell s me to read the writing on the wall. i believe we haven't been seeing each other long enough for me to have such priority status, but i should have enough priority status to get commitments met.

what should i do with him?

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You already know what just about everyone here thinks about your situation. He's married. With kids. Like I said in the other thread, you're just creating more and more bad karma by expecting a married man to just up and leave his family.

And even if he does, how could you trust him not to do the same thing he's doing to his current wife?

Oh, and how do you think his wife is going to feel when/if she finds out? Do you really want to do that?

I don't think the people here are going to give you the answer you want.

Be smart. End it.

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said he felt like he was just another jerk who put work before his family, and that he sucks.

Aha! Honesty at last. Hey, Loon, let me tell ya: I've sort of not quite been there. I'm married and have kids. Ten years ago, I was cheating on my wife, and it really was on the rocks, mostly (if not entirely) due to me being a bipolar asshat. But even in the middle of that I couldn't bring myself to leave my family, and boy was my view of how bad things were badly screwed.

This guy is a user. Sorry, Loon, but he's no intention of leaving his family for you, and if he's sleeping on the couch rather than balling his wife, then I'm the frickin' Pope. You're nothing more than his ego trip.

I keep my anonymity here and on other boards with email addresses I can afford to lose in case my identity is compromised, but IRL to have no means of reaching him other than a cell phone? Wake up, honey!

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usually meeting with my tdoc helps me to put things in perspective and see what i need to do and when. sometimes it is hard for me to end things because either he gets to me and i feel like he's really sorry and i feel like i'd be bailing when i should be working on it, or i'm afraid to feel lonely. i know i'm not alone, i have my family and cats, and a best friend in another state, but i'm afraid anyway.

usually i have a "backup" in case one relationship doesn't work out. right now i don't. this would be the first time since i was 18 that i've ever been actually single.

he gets to me too. he seems so sincere and asks me to believe in him. as you point out, how can i believe someone who is cheating on his wife? but if things are really as he claims, then i can't blame him for looking for love elsewhere.

what is the right thing and what is the thing i'm ready for may be different things. i need to find it somewhere to do the right thing. yesterday i was so pissed i was ready to do it, but decided that i needed to work on it rather than bail at the first signs of trouble, as if this is a relationship that i should be in in the first place.

i think a part of it is that i feel deformed- i have all these MI issues, i'm on ssdi, and i just had surgery for my hpv. the hpv will be an issue for awhile until i have 3 clean pap tests, and then i can count on the viral load being low enough for it not to be an issue. but until i have 3 clean paps, i need to worry about maybe giving it to my partner. it is scary for me to think about that. ;)

the thought of being single is both exciting and scary. i haven't been single in 10 years. longer than that actually, more like 12 years.

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my tdoc thinks i have self-esteem issues. judging from my behavior with men and with confidence in myself i may, but i don't feel like i do, if that makes any sense. it seems that i act one way and feel another.

dump him so he gets run over by a tractor trailer? :) sometimes, that's exactly what i want to do!

as far as being taken for granted- i think he does. shouldn't a new relationship have a honeymood period anyway, with worshipping each other? i don't think i ever got that. instead i get broken promises and myself endangered because he bailed on his promise to take me to my surgery. ;)

why am i afraid of being single, and why do i put up with being let down and taken for granted?

my perfect out is that he has a job, is married with kids (biggest reason of all), and has other family obligations, and i am last on his list of priorities. clearly he has no time for me in his life. if i could just tell him that and get it over with, i'd be in business i think. in single business and feeling like i can't meet or date anyone because who would want me, but in business anyway.

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why am i afraid of being single, and why do i put up with being let down and taken for granted?

Until you figure this out...DON'T DATE! You will only attract more assholes. You need your guy-magnet reset.

There are obviously reasons you are attracting and persuing guys who are not available for a REAL relationship.

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wz- that is a good theory of a "guy magnet reset". i do keep attracting unavailable people, assholes or not.

i up with one guy on my birthday (back on aug 12) who i had known from a previous job, and we hit it off. i've seen him a couple of time since, and we stand close and kinda flirt, but it doesn't go beyond that. he's actually single, and very successful.

i'm afraid to go after him because i feel bad about myself for being on ssdi and for working at a gas station to make up for a hole in my budget. i'm also afraid to date/be intimate because before i get 3 clean pap tests, i have to worry about giving my hpv to whoever i'm intimate with. so not only am i MI, i also have a contageous std that may or may not be gone, we have to see the results of my surgery, and that will take time. hopefully my viral load will be low enough that it won't matter.

still, i look at guys i may want to date, who are available, smart, and great to be around, and feel like i can't go after them because there's something wrong with me.

the married guy i'm with now has been through this with me (except for bailing on me for the surgery ;):) ) and isn't afraid of either my MI or diseased status. that's one reason i've stayed- because he's accepting, and i don't know how much acceptance i'd get from someone who could have anyone. i guess that means i'm settling.

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.... i guess that means i'm settling.

For what? Think this through a little more. For instance, what if he couldn't make it to your surgery because one of his kids is hurt or sick. Or something happened to his wife? I realize that wasn't the case this time, but who do you think he's going to respond to you first if something were to happen to both yourself and his family at the same time? You guessed it, his family will come first. And that's the way it's supposed to be.

If you're willing to stay in a relationship like this, you really have no right to demand anything from him unless he makes a choice between you or his family.

And I'm sorry for asking this again, but if you were his wife and you found out he had a lover, how would you feel?

Do you really want to do keep doing this? Don't you deserve better?

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Loon here is something to think about. Take Mr. Wonderful off the pedestal for a second and ask.. why should he leave? He has the best of both worlds!! A wife and kids at home, and a mistress that he can disappointment consistently, whose apartment depresses him so he won't go in(is this that guy?), who makes promises, to you and his wife, that he obviously doesn't keep. Sorry, but if you can't be committed to your wife and kids, it's pretty impossible to be reliable for your girlfriends doctor appointment. He has no commitment to you so being with you is really easy. He drops by, calls, sex, lies, promises, sweet words...end of story. He's not "IN" it with you. Beside you everyday to see how your mi affects your life, he is on the outskirts, and when he is in, it's only for awhile and then he's gone. This asshole has it made, and if I may be brutally honest, tolerating a little craziness is a slight price to pay for a mistress who lets you shit all over them!!

Loon, only you can change this. But, you have to want to. Is it easy? No, nothing good ever is. You know what is right. Damn girl, how many topics and posts do have about this dick? And it is always the same...your hurt and disappointed with him, and afraid of being alone. You have quite a following here pulling for you lady. Be good to yourself, his wife and kids, and move on. Now that you know what he is, and what he is all about, you can't disillusion yourself. You know what your into, who is getting hurt, and consequences. If you are willing to accept all of that, know that what you are posting now, will be what you are posting for as long as he is around.

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i'm so disappionted, not in him (this time), but in my tdoc. she had to call and cancel today, and we're going to make an appointment for next week. that puts me at 2 weeks without seeing her, and i really need to see her. have a weird love life situation going on, and don't know what to do about my job. in short, i feel like my life is falling apart and my tdoc is nowhere to be found!

she has a new baby so i understand that maybe her morning appointments sometmes need to be cancelled, so i guess i'll have to make them for the afternoons in the future to avoid this problem-

whenever i ask him hard questions, like if i'm only a mistress to him, he'll always come back with "well, why don't you leave me if you believe that?".

he claims to have a sham for a marriage and that she wouldn't care if he were doing whatever, because he goes out and she goes out and they take turns, and don't babysit each other. i do tend to believe him that they don't get along, but i don't know and can't verify anything. i can imagine she'd be upset, if for no other reason than on principle along, even if her feelings aren't there anymore.

for now, i've decided to put him on strict probation. one more thing that i consider to be a screw-up and he's out the door. he SHOULD be out the door already, considering the crap he pulled about my surgery, but i was too soft on the subject and told him he doesn't suck just his action sucked, all the while i do think he sucks. i hardly see him anyway, a real reflection of my status in his life.

if it were someone else in his family, you can better believe he would have been there. he just thinks i don't matter because i'm his "side" thing, a girlfriend of a couple of months.

i think i invest much more in this relationship than he does, a common thing for me. i always do this and get bit in the ass. my guy is always married in some way to something/someone else. *sigh*

as WZ said, i have to reset my guy magnet.

and this isn't the same one who finds my apartment to be depressing. i got rid of that one. after 4 1/2 years, i finally did it. that was ex bf #1. thankfully, i finally dumped him!

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Find the book "He's Scared, She's Scared." It's about commitment issues. But I'm recommending the book for YOU, not him. I read the book because I thought someone I was with had commitment issues. He did, but what I discovered was how badly I had/have them, too. Getting involved with men who are unavailable (geographically, situationally, or emotionally) is a really easy way to passively avoid commitment (and not even really be aware that you're doing it).

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The big one for me is what he's saying to you. When you accuse him, he says "well, why don't you leave me if you believe that?"

He's not even denying it, sweetheart. He's deflecting the situation back on you. If he really didn't feel that way, he would say, "I don't feel that way."

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sunshine- i just looked the book up on amazon and read the reviews, and it sounds like a lot of people are getting a lot out of it. it sounds to me, already, like i may be going for people who aren't available just to avoid real committment, even though i think i'm hanging in there because the person may change and want to be committed after all! somehow, just as with ex bf #1, this current relationship seems unlikely to go beyond where it is right now, and that is as a secretive, on his terms affair.

but i keep thinking that if i give it a chance, if i give it time to develop, if i a patient, that it will turn around. he'll get out of a marriage he claims is terrible and we can be together. he claims to want to be together with me. when i tell him that i feel like i'm breaking up his marriage and that i don't want to do that, he claims that his marriage was already broken and there's nothing to feel guilty over.

becca- good insight! he does tell me he doesn't feel that way, but then follows with the "if you don't believe in me then why are you with me?" kind of stuff, so i don't know what exactly he's really saying there. hmmm...

what i love is that i'm important to him, but work meetings negate his promises to me, and i am last on his list of priorities. if he loved me, i'd be the priority, next to his kids and close family. then i think that we've only been seeing each other for a couple of months, so what should i expect? he's said that to me before too.

i never gave him hell over the surgery incident. i didn't think it was worth the effort or time to get upset over. he apologized for being an asshole who put his job first, but what about next time? and what about now, during the holidays, when he's over there and not here?

i may just be the committmentphobe around here.

edited to add- for the whole time i was "dating" ex boyfriend #1, i had a string of other side romances. some of them i ended, some of them the other person ended, and one i was ready to move across the country for when he backed out. i dumped ex bf #1, and got involved with this new guy we're talking about here. he's unavailable in the sense that he's already committed and has told me flat out that this will not change in the near future, that i'm not "a world changer".

will that book speak to my issues? i read all the reviews and got the idea it is for hit and run relationships, where people get dumped out of the blue. that has only happened to me a couple of times. is this still a book that i can gain some insight from? should i order it?

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Order the book. Trust me on this one.

And for the record... I spent three years in a relationship with a married man and heard all the same things you did. And yes, eventually he did leave his wife, moved in with me, and eventually married me. It was a complete disaster.

I was trying to find some statistics related to this (how likely a relationship with man who leaves his wife is to work out), but couldn't find anything. I did, however, find another potentially interesting book:

http://www.amazon.com/Will-Really-Leave-He...g/dp/1593374852

I just glanced at the overview. Could be an interesting, and potentially helpful, read.

But seriously... read the first book. You will learn so much about yourself. I promise!

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Hi Sunshine:

you wrote:

I was trying to find some statistics related to this (how likely a relationship with man who leaves his wife is to work out)

waves hand high!! husband left me for his mistress and she moved in. they answer each other's cell phones & do so much spying on each other - so wracked with jealously of the other. to me, this is sweet revenge. ;)

db

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sunshine- this is especially helpful information- that he actually left her for you (eventually), only to have it totally suck. so you know what it is like to hear the promises, the talk, to feel one way but think another way, to not have him on the holidays, and not be able to turn to him when things really suck, or tell him when you're really happy, because you can't communicate with him!

i'll order the book. amazon has pretty good turn-around time, and it is only like $10 or something

sensation- we're both tech nerds (i met him at work because he was training me), and read the same kinds of books and watch the same kinds of movies, etc. we like to go on dates where we can talk to each other, so we'll go out to eat or for drinks. we've been shopping and to a movie once. we like to go in the park too. he's picked me up from work during my break and we've gone to the park to watch the lake. that's nice when he does that. once, when we first started seeing each other, he took off the whole day to just spend it with me. now i can't get him to go to surgeries with me. i think things have gone south. nope, i can't communicate with him- he doesn't know when my life sucks or is great, when my moods are up or down. as far as he knows, i'm always this baseline, happy person. i never show the real me. if i do, he'll get all nutso protective and all i'll hear about is my mood status. i don't want that either! i think i could be stepmom to 3 children. i love kids. i'd like to have 1 biological child, but we've never discussed that. it is probably something people should discuss i'd imagine.

db- seems like your ex and his great "soulmate" have jsut some *slight* trust issues! and how could they not, considering he cheated on you with her, and she isn't trustworthy because she doesn't care about breaking up marriages. that is sweet revenge for you!!! and an omen for me that i should get out while it is still possible to do so with minimal heartbreak.

i'm probably guilty of committment issues, and he is too. i can't put all the blame on him by any stretch. i'll order this book and probably see myself mirrored on every page, like all the people who wrote comments on amazon say they did.

edited to add- i just popped over to amazon and ordered it. i should get it in 3-5 days. the shipping is half the price of the book! the book was $10~ and the shipping was like $5!

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i got the book, and i'm half way through it. the book suggests that i also have commitment issues. i look for people to have relationships with who are unavailable, either by distance (one lived in germany), by being married to someone else, or by being self-absorbed/addicted to work. that way i don't have to give a commitment, but i can blame the other person for their part in not giving me what i need. and how can they, when they have other priorities?

at least he's being honest.

he also has a workaholic attitude. i never noticed it until recently. i don't know if he's working these extra hours because of the holidays and needing money, because they're short staffed at work, or because he's addicted to work (i think it is the latter), but he stays a good 2-4 hours after his shift is over. sometimes he leaves at 5 like he should, but it is uncommon. usually he's home around 7-9. he wonders why he's tired!

so should i break it off? the book i'm sure would say yes. i'm only half way through, but i think it suggests that these relationships will never work and are based on fantasy.

i don't even have his phone number. have i mentioned that? he's called me once. our communication is email.

last night we were supposed to go out. it turned out at my work that the one girl who was supposed to close with my 17 year old coworker didn't show up, so i had to stay with my coworker to the end of our shift. since i had made plans with my boyfriend, i left the store really quick (i live 3 blocks away) to go home to answer the door and let him know that we had a change of plans. lucky for me i had the common sense to check my email, because he wrote saying he was going to be staying at work until 9 and that he wouldn't be able to make our date. now, i couldn't make it anyway, but the point was that we had a commitment. again, he broke another commitment. i can't say anything about this one, at least in my opinion, because i had to work over too. but in my case it wasn't my fault. i'm not a workaholic.

he has other priorities, clearly. he told me he skips seeing his friends and brother to see me, but when is it that he sees me? we haven't seen each other for a week!

i feel like i'd be bailing on a relationship that has potential. on the other hand, how can it have potential when he's unavailable, and i'm being commitment phobic because i'm hiding my fear of commitment by dating a married man (according to the book)?

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as of now, it has been 2 hours since i was supposed to receive an email from him telling me what our plans for tonight would be. last night he had to cancel and rescheduled for tonight.

i wrote just now to him that we're going to have a major talk.

i work in the morning. i'm not going to stay up for him- and i shouldn't in any case anyway.

i just asked him if he's a workaholic and he said no. liar.

i feel really, really great about him right now, can't you tell?

and to answer my own question, yes, i SHOULD dump him. will i tonight? that is a possibility, but i haven't decided that one yet. i guess it depends on how late he decides to getting around to emailing me and what exactly ends up happening.

you all shall be posted, and have postings as i have info- (i know the world is dying for the latest scoop on my love life!!! :cussing::wtf: )

loon the very, very angry and upset ;):)

edited to add- so i just called him at work. he got "tied up" with something for someone important's computer (help desk work). and he will call me back (or email? he's only called me once) in about 15 minutes. the countdown has begun! this is serious ladies and gentlemen :cussing:

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I give people 15 minutes to be late, and then I leave.

Why does he deserve for you to wait for hours?

If you were late, would you expect him to wait for hours for you?

Just wondering.

It seems like he is seeing just how far he can push you. I think he's enjoying this game. It feeds his ego to have a young, attractive, smart woman begging him for scraps of his time. And let's not forget that he stinks.

I keep promising myself that I'm going to stop commenting on this situation, and then I do it again. Sorry. It just pushes my buttons because it reminds me of my old self.

Has he given you his real work number? Or just his cell? Do you know that he's not at home having dinner with his wife?

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libby-

you're totally right and totally fine to comment on the situation. no problems there!

i know he's at work because i called him at work (by calling the company and having the switchboard transfer me, i don't know his extension) and asked him if he planned on actually going out tonight or what. he told me to give him 15 minutes and he'd call me back. it has been half an hour, and still no call, no email, nothing.

i think it is genuine lack of consideration and being a workaholic. i don't think he's malicious, at least i hope not. i see it as just highly insulting, rude, and ignorant. i want to go out with him tonight because i want to dump him! so i keep wanting him to call and write. i'm ready to do it right now, and he's not cooperating with me. damn it.

oh- breaking news- email from him- here's the text:

"i need a break from people today. i won't be over

> tonight.

>

> i'm being pulled at from all sides like kids

> fighting over a fucking toy.

>

> don't call me at work with an attitude like that

> again. the receptionist

> asked if my WIFE was angry. wtf,"

my response:

"email isn't an appropriate forum for this.

i called "with an attitude" because i was seriously stood up and seriously pissed off about it, and had every right to be. we were supposed to be having a romantic night tonight and you didn't even have the respect for me to let me know what was going on.

and i don't know where you're getting the "wtf" from. i was very nice when i asked to be transferred. apparently i was so pissed she caught on. i never told her i was your WIFE, if that's what you're implying. she didn't ask me who i was, and i didn't tell her. it is none of her damned business.

so, email is not the appropriate forum for this discussion.

as soon as you're ready to deal with people again, and give me the respect and courtesy i deserve, then we can talk. "

this is the death toll for him, as i'm sure everyone is very pleased to know. it is really sad for me to see it end like this. but give him enough rope and he'll hang himself.

now tell me please that i deserve to be treated better than this. that's why i'm dumping him, right? because being by myself is better than being with that asshole? he constantly stands me up, breaks promises, and fails to honor his word. i don't need that. for times like this when i just want to cry and take my klonopin, please remind me of all the reasons this is the best decision i could be making.

maybe i should follow dee's advice and dump him with a "dear john" email. he seems to only want to correspond with me through email- i don't even have a way to call him except through the switchboard at work- so maybe it is most appropriate to email him my final words.

i'll have to think that one over. weekends are always bad times to get in touch with him anyway. he's busy with his real family.

and i can be busy with mine- their names are KG, widdle, loki, and anubus.

loon

edited to add: "and let's not forget that he stinks". very true. he can't be counted on to make sure his body odor is non-offensive. i think that taking care of yourself is kind of the core of everything else. i mean, that alone is an indication of a dysfunctional person. and they say I'M crazy? at least i wear my deo.

i'd go out tonight and celebrate my good decision if i didn't have to be at work at 7am. the morning shift sucks.

>

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excellent ideas! i'll do that!

i don't know how to block him from my phone (or if i even have to, he's only called me once or twice), but i'll either figure it out or verizon will figure it out (i only have a cell phone).

on the email i just have to set his address as spam and nothing will get through from him.

he's going to get dumped officially first though, and that probably won't take place for a little while because he is unavailable on the weekends. great relationship, huh? my now ex boyfriend is unavailable on the weekends. how part time.

i can't be a workaholic because i get ssdi and there is a dollar amount to what i can make in a month, however today i am workaholicing. i worked a full shift this morning/afternoon and will go back in at 6 to work until 11, to cover for someone who called off.

he's one of the worst things that has ever happened to me in my love life. i can't think of too many boyfriends who have taken the cake like this one. he really, really is getting what's coming to him! as i said, just give him enough rope...

loon

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i want to do the harshest thing possible- if that is telling him to his face and leaving him standing there or deleting him from my life, he deserves the worst possible treatment.

he proved to me, through his actions, that he does not value me as a person, my time, my dignity, or my love. his words say otherwise, or do they? he said in one email that he's the worst thing that ever happened to me (he's not, my dad commiting suicide was), and that i deserve better, and that he's an idiot- to me, that sounds like "please dump me now".

since he is asking to be dumped, i should do it uncermononially.

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i want to do the harshest thing possible- if that is telling him to his face and leaving him standing there or deleting him from my life, he deserves the worst possible treatment.

he proved to me, through his actions, that he does not value me as a person, my time, my dignity, or my love. his words say otherwise, or do they? he said in one email that he's the worst thing that ever happened to me (he's not, my dad commiting suicide was), and that i deserve better, and that he's an idiot- to me, that sounds like "please dump me now".

since he is asking to be dumped, i should do it uncermononially.

Tell him not to flatter himself, that he is giving himself far too much credit, and then dump the bastard already.

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dee- and dump via email?

that is, after all, the only way we've communicated all week. it has been at least that long since i've seen him.

it seemed like he was so romantic and in love before we had sex, and then suddenly he acted like an asshole. i don't understand that mentality.

but the good news is that i don't have to understand it, i just need to get rid of it.

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Email is fine. He doesn't deserve a face-to-face dumping. Tell him you've moved on and let him think whatever that might mean.

Go out dancing tonight at that little goth bar you like if you don't have to work tomorrow morning and do some flirting to get your mind off it.

XO

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yeah dee, it is a matter of what he deserves vs. a matter of what my bitchy heart wants! lol. i don't want my email to sit in his email folder for the weekend either and then get read hastily when he's starting the workday tomorrow- i want him to give it his full attention (something i haven't received from him, since around the time we started having sex). i know- dream on about any kind of attention to anything!

what is it with guys who chase you and then once they get their prize, they just don't care anymore? in my springer thread i posted his latest emails, where he claims all this love and shit, but his actions do NOT back up these words. i can't live by words. life is too short to waste on idiotic people.

so i'm going to write some potential "dear john" letters in my journal and see if i can send one- or if i feel like i just have to see his face either melt or be cold once i tell him we're finished.

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The real problem is you don't want to break up with him despite the fact that he is a married, selfish bastard. You say you want to see if he melts. Well if he was melting, I think he would be in your bed instead of his wife's.

You're obviously not ready to do this.

XO

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ready or not, even though i love him, i have to recognize that if he was into me he'd be in my life and there when i need him. he's already proven that he's not good for his word and is an asshole, so that's all that there is to prove. i can't allow my dignity as a person to be degraded like this.

i might do it and have a hard time with the aftermath (of course, dealing with it without him involved in it!), but it must be done. i consulted my tarot cards (i'm wiccan) last night and from 2 different decks, when i asked what to do, i drew the hermit card. that's a card for finding your own way and for reflection, also for listening to advice from older people. all the older people (and younger ones, for that matter) in my life are saying the same thing, and my cards say the same thing. yeah, with over 70 cards in each deck, i pulled out the same card from both decks the first time when i asked the same question. i'm pretty convinced that this is the right thing to do.

like it or not, ready or not, want to or not, i'm going to do it. i've already made up my mind to myself. i don't want to tolerate him anymore. the thought of not having to wonder about him is so liberating. it is time, and has been past time, to kick him to the curb.

i just don't know the best way to do so. i do want to see him be hurt of course, because he's hurt me so much. but you're right that if he begged me to reconsider i would probably reconsider, and i don't need that. it must be final!

should the end be kinda like just stringing it out, with being mysterious and non-committed, or should i just break it cold?

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i consulted my tarot cards (i'm wiccan) last night and from 2 different decks, when i asked what to do, i drew the hermit card. that's a card for finding your own way and for reflection, also for listening to advice from older people.
There ya go, babe. Trust your beliefs. It is time.
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ok, i did it, i sent him The Email to end it. i decided that i couldn't live with the degredation and total lack of consideration anymore.

so the answer to my question "should i dump him?" has been answered- the answer is Yes, and i have done it already! now he just has to pick up his stuff, which i will leave in a bag for my coworkers to give him when he goes to work to pick it up, and he can go on his merry way.

all i have to say is- i hope i don't see you again, asshole!

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ok, i did it, i sent him The Email to end it. i decided that i couldn't live with the degredation and total lack of consideration anymore.

You did the right thing. It's going to be hard and you're going to be lonely, but you deserve way better than this! Over the next few days/weeks when you get tempted to contact him (or respond to any of his pleas to reconsider), please come back to this thread and read your posts from the last couple of weeks.

Being lonely sucks. But being in a crappy relationship sucks even more. Be strong.

~Sunshine

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You did a great job getting rid of him for various reasons I call that type of relationship"hooked on the drama". You spend every waking moment either trying to figure him out or you out. You analyze everything get obsessed, get moody, cry (and deal with whatever having brain cooties gives you) and your whole life is wrapped around drama. Stay strong. If he comes to you with the "I'll change, you just don't understand I'm doing all this for you, you don't know how you've helped change me for a better man, or I can be whatever you need me to be". Yep tell him exit stage left.

Oh and btw he sounds married to me too. Maybe even to someone he works with. Hence him being there anytime you need him. He may be having lunch,dinner or whatever else with his wife on a different floor, in a conference room, at the work deli, anywhere. It happened at my old job the guy didn't get busted(for eight months) til he and his wife went for a quickie in the underground parking lot. The "other woman" had worked late just to see him,couldn't find him so was about to go home, came out of the elevator and bam-there they were-car shaking and all. His wife had kept her maiden name so the girl had no clue.

Now that you've dumped his ass give yourself a break. Talk to your docs and for craps sake DO NOT DATE ANYONE. Just be casual. Put you first. Up the p and t doc visits and ask for the meds to be upped if necessary. Find some positive drama, take an art or acting class, volunteer, help a neighbor once a week. Anything to stay away from the drama.

Take care

lilie

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i had to write a list today of all the reasons he sucks and why i dumped him and should stay away from him to keep me from emailing him to tell him i'm sorry today. i won't do it!!! i'm determined not to do it!!! my list reaffirmed my commitment to staying away from him and really pounded it into my head why i need to do that. and yes lillie, he is married, but not to a coworker. she's a housewife and takes care of their kids. he claims that they have no relationship anymore, which i actually believe. however, he still had family commitments that kept him from being with me, and i couldn't deal with that, nor should i have had to deal with that. he's to the curb, exit stage left. to hell with him!

and thank you everyone for helping me to do this. sometimes i need help to help myself. sometimes i get stuck making excuses for criminal behavior. if he really cared, he would have been there and would be here for me now. haven't heard anything from him at all. maybe he'll just go away...

thank you guys! ;):):cussing:

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Add this to the bottom of your list....

"Because any time, effort, money or energy he spends with me are family resources he should be spending on his family...particularly his children. I will no longer be a part of stealing from his children."

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but wz, you are making the wild assumption that he was spending time, money and/or resources on me! all of our dates were dutch, and time?? what time?? i saw him maybe once a week for a couple of hours, during the time when he'd normally go out on his own to a bar or something anyway, or before work in the morning. i didn't see too much of him. he made sure i wasn't getting in the way of family life, and that is appropriate for someone with a family, however not appropriate for someone who wants more from a relationship than 2 hours a week with someone.

i do admire him for his devotion to his children and what a great dad he is to them. he worships his kids and puts them first in everything.

if i was only in the background due to parental responsibilities, that would be one thing. but skipping out on my surgery for a very lame reason- time for the dumping ground. so he's flat out.

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but wz, you are making the wild assumption that he was spending time, money and/or resources on me! all of our dates were dutch, and time?? what time?? i saw him maybe once a week for a couple of hours, during the time when he'd normally go out on his own to a bar or something anyway, or before work in the morning. i didn't see too much of him.

*grins* okay, add that to your list :)

the list is a good idea, to help keep you from apologizing.

abi ;)

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i saw him maybe once a week for a couple of hours

OK, I will clarify. Any time he spent with you was time he SHOULD have spent on his family....even if it was only a couple of hours. So that is another thing you can add to the list....

"He spends time off work with mistresses and in bars rather than spending time with his children."

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his former mistress.

but i can't fault him for his boy's night out here and there. he's the only one in his family who works and deserves a little r&r. but no longer with me! he can go back to his buddies and his drinking (he claims i cured him of his drinking).

he was also a little MI, one of those who would never admit it enough to actually get real help for it, but who needs it. he went to counseling a couple of years ago for awhile, and that was that, and doesn't believe he needs meds, even though he is depressed. no amount of talking on the subject could convince him otherwise.

so, ANOTHER point to add to the list- doesn't care enough about himself and his mental health to get appropriate treatment for his depression, when he knows about treatments and is emotionally/mentally capable of getting those treatments.

our list is getting quite long. maybe i'll need a second page!

if i do the reverse and talk about the good things, they are less than half of the bad. it looks kind of lopsided to me!

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but i can't fault him for his boy's night out here and there. he's the only one in his family who works and deserves a little r&r. but no longer with me! he can go back to his buddies and his drinking (he claims i cured him of his drinking).
A good, devoted husband and father does NOT do this. My Dad never had a night out at a bar drinking with the boys. He was a family man, and he spent all his spare time with us. He did belong to Knights of Columbus, a Catholic org, and my Mom belonged to the altar guild and a bridge club. Oh yeah, my Dad was on a bowling league for a while, but none of that is boozing it up with the boys in a bar where single women hang out!!! Never. Not once.
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I don't think it's wrong for guys to have a guys night out, or for girls to have a girls night out. What IS wrong is when the night our with the guys/girls is a night of infidelity. That takes away from everything; wife/husband, and especially kids. It sucks when a kid grows older and finds out that their daddy was a cheater and a liar. Those are lessons that stay with you for life! Talk about trust being broken!! So he may have made the appearance of being a devoted father, but devotion is a 24/7 commitment, it doesn,t take a break, even for a few hours a week. Glad you finally made the break Loon. I know that I said it a million times, but you cannt expect a lay to be a boyfriend, or in his case even a friend. It was what it was. He is what he is, a liar, cheat, blah blah, blah...anything said by him is to keep you in the game. Sounds cold, but now its time to wake up and be smart....you stopped playing, stay stopped and move on!!

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If you really think about it, Loon, it's not much of a change. You only spent a couple hours a week with the guy(s). All the rest of the time, you spent single reallly. So, i'ts not much of a change at all.

You just won't be obsessing on someone's asshole behavior all the time. That's the difference. It's time to think about Loon, and what Loon wants. I know this sounds trite, but try having a relationsihp with yourself. Do all the things that Loon wants to do. You're an independent woman. Enjoy it.

Try makin a list of all the fun things you've been wanting to do (that don't require a man!).

Shopping

Movies

Books

Baking Christmas cookies

having a facial

taking a bubble bath

visiting old friends

things like that. things that sustain you, uplift you, pamper you.

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that's very true about spending all this time alone by myself anyway, and also very true about not having to worry about some asshole's behavior. let his wife worry about his behavior. i'm not the one who married him, thankfully!

so far i haven't gotten any communication back from him, not even about his stuff.

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Hey Loon...I wish you luck with this...this dude may have more than one mistress and is busy with number 2....or even his wife and kids..I don't judge and won't nag you on the married part...but if you REALLY want to end this and be DONE with it.....mail his stuff to him, anything too big toss out and MOVE on dont look for emails from him ....dont look at the phone...let it go. I don't mean this in a mean way but the guy doesn't CARE about YOU as a person....just a ego trip and piece of ass when it suits his selfish ass....Good riddance to bad rubbish

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one day he also called me "crippled" because of my disorders! ;)

i just let it go because he was drunk, rather than walking out on him in the restaurant.

good idea- i'll mail him his stuff. too bad i can't do it COD anymore. the only problem is that i don't know what house he lives in (excellent!), so i'll have to mail it to him at work. but that's ok. he can receive several articles of clothing, including some boxers, at work. that would be great if he actually opened it. i could put a fake sender on it so he'd be curious and actually open it, only to find his underwear! :)

yeah, not being a world changer sucked too. if he were so in love with me, then i would have changed his world.

but i've proven i'm a world changer. i changed my own to not include him :cussing:

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but i've proven i'm a world changer. i changed my own to not include him ;)

Now that is the truth! Seriously, it's very wise and good to yourself to say and believe that. You should. :)

Dude... find his fucking home address. Hahahahaha. I wish wish wish you could send him that shit at home.

Ah, well. I guess it's not worth the emotional energy that would take. Throw it out.

After my fiance left me a couple of years ago, he left this godawful fucking gross futon in our apartment that was his and he couldn't take with him. I lived behind a bar, with the back of my apartment and balcony facing a giant parking lot that the bar and my apartment building used. But there was tons of parking and almost nobody ever parked in that lot. So.... to make myself feel better and to be violent and really because it was easier than lugging the thing down the stairs... when I moved out I threw it off the balcony. Hahahahaha. For real. My dad really didn't want to let me, but I was insistent on it.

It made me feel better.

Keep on this path, Loon. You've been making a lot of good choices for yourself lately. You should be proud of yourself. :cussing:

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i should stalk him to find out his home address so i can send it to him and have his wife see his underwear in the box! ;)

work is also great. "hey, nice underwear!"

becca- you just threw it off the balcony??? :) good for you!!! i feel bad for the poor souls who discovered it, but you got it out of your system (at least hopefully somewhat) and didn't have to carry it down the stairs.

from santa...i was going to make it some technical firm, and type the lable so it looks official. he'd open it, because he thinks he's so important, and probably with coworkers around, again, to show his importance. his boss sits right next to him. :cussing:

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My opinion? Be the bigger person. It doesn't sound like any of this stuff is of any value. Toss it.

By "getting even" by sending it to him at home or work you're sending the message that he's worth the effort. And also that you cared enough about him to be hurt that the relationship ended. As true as that may be, he doesn't need to know it.

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while that's true, there's a certain satisfaction of being mean ;)

he actually just came to my door to ask for his things, and i gave them to him, he said thank you, and left. so i don't have to worry about delivery methods anymore, either delivery to the trash or delivery of underwear to work :)

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while that's true, there's a certain satisfaction of being mean ;)

Yeah, but it never lasts for very long and I've found that there's more long-term satisfaction in not letting other people control me like that.

he actually just came to my door to ask for his things, and i gave them to him, he said thank you, and left. so i don't have to worry about delivery methods anymore, either delivery to the trash or delivery of underwear to work :)

Excellent. Now get yourself healthy and happy! I promise you some alone time is worth it. Find out what makes you happy. Discover things you enjoy for you and you only. Then be strong and don't give them all up when the first guy comes along. Can't tell you how many times I've done that.

I'm kinda afraid to say this out loud - partly out of fear of jinxing it and partly because it scares the shit out of me, but after three years of mostly being alone (lots of dating, but no serious relationships) I think I met someone who's reasonable normal, well-adjusted, communicative, and open to a relationship. If it can happen to me, it can happen to you, too!

Hang in there... the next few weeks might be rough. But it DOES get better.

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sunshine- i did read that book and found parts of it to be right-on and parts to be too simplistic, but overall i thought it was a good recommendation.

what were your experiences with your married man? so he actually left his wife? and then it didn't work out with you? was he an asshole or something?

i'm toughing it out. after giving him his belongings i had to cry again, and review my list of why he sucks. that list was such a good idea. it has saved me from going back several times. i just have to remember why he sucks.

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