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Sometimes I envy the people in obituaries


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So, I'm not exactly suicidal... I don't have enough guts for that. I'm too afraid that my family would think of me as utterly selfish and hate me

forever. But I do wish I would die. Everytime I cross the street I hope that some unseen car will hit me. Everytime I wake up with a stiff neck

and a headache I hope that it's meningitis instead of sleeping wrong and just happening to have a headache. Everytime I ovulate on my right

side and it hurts I hope that it is appendicitis so that I can ignore it and my appendix will burst and I will develope peritonitis and then sepsis

and die. You get the idea. I wish I were dead, but I am too wimpy to do it myself. That's why I envy the people in the obituaries. I've suffered

from depression for 5 years... since I was fourteen. I've been on meds and off meds (I only went off of them because of bad side effects or

general infeffectiveness) and I am pretty low right now. I force myself out of bed and into the shower and to class. I sleep several hours

during the day no matter how much sleep I get at night. Sometimes I just cry for no reason. I don't need a doctor to tell me that I'm back

in the midst of full blown depression. I have a pdoc appt. on Thursday but I'm not sure I can make it until then without completely breaking

down. Great timing too, finals are coming up... If I don't do well I lose my scholarship.. but I don't really think I deserve it anyway. If I can't

last until the pdoc appointment how in the world am I going to last until the meds (hopefully) kick in? I don't really know. I really just

needed somewhere to vent. Somewhere people understood. Anyhow, if you've read this, thank you. If you have any suggestions on

what to tell the doc or how to make it until the appt/whenever meds kick in thank you even more. Thanks for listening...

-Jenny

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I know exactly how you feel. Wishing something would happen and it would be over. I myself am suicidal and sometimes I have to dig very deep to find reasons to live. I have a daughter I love and that's enough right now.

I'm not in school so I can't relate to that kind of stress but I hope you do well.

Good luck with your pdoc appointment. Just be honest and let him know what hasn't worked in the past.

In the meantime, hang in there.

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hello! know exactly how you feel.

things do get better as much as you hate to hear that again. it is a matter of time. in the meantime, be patient, hopeful, busy as possible, baths, journal, etc. anything to get you through to the next day. i know even that is hard.

i will tell you what has worked for me. i take 20mg lexapro and 300 wellbutrin. the worse i have gotten lately (knock on wood) is maybe a day here and there of just irratation and some suicidal thoughts.

don't know what you have tried. just wanted to share.

best wishes and hang in there,

kathy

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Hi Jenny, welcome to the boards. There is always somone who understands you here.

I know exactly what you mean. I go through it every day. It is called fatalistic thinking. I'm always wishing I was the one who died of cancer or got killed in a car accident. That way I would die honorably. Somewhat different than suicide thinking. But print out what you wrote and show your Pdoc. Sometimes it is easier to write here than to tell them how you feel in an office. If you start feeling worse or feel like you can't make it, call him right away.

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Hey....

You're definitely not alone. Although I am often suicidal, I am stopped by the fact that I know it would rip apart my family and I can't do that to them. I'm only a couple years older than you are and can remember feelings of depression back to my preteens.... so I feel for you. It sucks. It feels pretty pointless and stupid.

But you get through it. I don't know how. There have been countless times in my life where I have thought and/or said "I have no idea how I'm going to get through this/get to X day/etc". And somehow I have. Sometimes clawing and kicking and screaming my way there.... but you do it.

I am in a pretty shitty place myself, right now. I don't have health insurance, which is a big reason that I currently don't have any sort of mental health care and am on no meds. I'm depressed and my life is pretty close to blowing itself apart, too.

It sucks. I don't want to fight anymore. I want to run away, is how I feel.... but I can't do that anymore than you can will yourself into appendicitis (by the way, a good friend of mine had an emergency appendectomy a couple of years ago and developed temporary amnesia from the anesthesia. He didn't know who his mom was, but he knew Bart Simpson. It was really weird. A couple weeks later, he woke up and remembered everything.).

Print out your post and read it to the doctor or give it to him, if you think you can and it feels accurate to you. Tell your doctor what you told us.

I hope things get better for you.

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Just wanted to say that I can relate. When I was working, there was a train track on the way home from work and there were many nights I didn't look and didn't slow down because I really didn't care if I got hit. Luckily, I've found some meds that work for me and I actually want to live most days now. I don't know what your dx or rx situation is, but there is always hope that it will get better.

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Dx: MDD

Rx: As of now, none

Past Rx :

Effexor (had to quit taking it as I fainted after standing while I was on it)

Remeron (just to help me sleep, but I sleep now, so I don't need it)

Wellbutrin (Hellacious mood swings)

Lexapro (ineffective)

Zoloft (ineffective)

I hope I find something that works, and quickly.

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Just read the meds you've tried in the past-and i had tried similar ones with similar outcome. for me the most effective med used as an antidepressant has been lithium. just an idea.

good luck with your finals- it sounds like you've been muddling through at school so far and if you can hang on through finals i think you'll feel better- if you really can't get a letter from pdoc and i don't think your scholorship should be at risk. i just think you'd be sad if you self sabatoged by slightly by accident/slightly on purpose messed with your scholorship.

don't hesitate to call pdoc or go to er if you need to be safe.

let us know how you are doing. mrs l

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I know that some people with MDD that didn't respond to ADs have had some luck with mood stabilizers. In your case, I think Lamictal would be something worth looking at. Also, APs are sometimes used as an adjunct for depression.

Thanks for the suggestions.

What is the best way to raise these concerns at my pdoc appt.?

I'm really bad at this sort of thing and don't really know what to say.

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Good luck at your pdoc appointment.

One of the best things you can do is be prepared. Take a chronological list with you of when you were first diagnosed, and what you have taken and for how long, and why you stopped taking it.

Describe your current symptoms accurately. Not "I'm depressed," but "I can't stop crying at times, I can't concentrate, I'm not hungry, I avoid my friends..." We all have different symptoms, write yours down.

Don't lie. Yeah, even about alcohol and drug use. It's all important.

Ask leading questions such as, "Since I haven't had much luck with the standard antidepressants, what other options are there? What about a mood stabilizer? I really need your help here."

Be honest and don't downplay your condition. Most people are culturally trained to be independent and self-reliant, which can translate into not being completely honest with the doc about how awful things really are. Resist that urge and let it all out.

Let us know how you do.

Greeny

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I know that some people with MDD that didn't respond to ADs have had some luck with mood stabilizers. In your case, I think Lamictal would be something worth looking at. Also, APs are sometimes used as an adjunct for depression.

Thanks for the suggestions.

What is the best way to raise these concerns at my pdoc appt.?

I'm really bad at this sort of thing and don't really know what to say.

When I first starting see my pdoc I was often too intimidated to speak up and tell him what I wanted or what I felt. As a result, I spent awhile on meds that weren't really working for me. It was only having a major freakout and spending the night in a voluntary inpatient facility that I started being more outspoken. And it was only after this that my pdoc and I were able to find something that works for me. We tend to think that our docs know more than we do and we end up not speaking up because we don't want to feel stupid or pushy or whatever, but the best advice I can give is to remember that he/she is working for you and they need you to be honest with them in order for them to do their jobs.

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;) RANTING :)

My Dad just does not get it. Arrgh. I know I can't expect him to because he's never been there but.. geez! Sometimes it just drives me crazy. He goes on

these rants about how I can make myself feel better. Doesn't he know I've tried that?!?!

"15 minutes a day, just sit there and meditate, give your brain some time to rest" Yeah, and um, what am I supposed to do about the intrusive thoughts

of death and SI? Any advice for me there, Dad? "Say the rosary, sometimes it helps to concentrate on something else" Gaahh, I can say the rosary until

I'm blue in the face if I want to and I still. dont. feel. better. EARGH. Frustration! "Think positively" Yeah, okay.. wanna hear my version of thinking

positively?? Here goes: If I'm lucky, maybe I will get run over by a car today.

And he just goes on.. and on.. and on :cussing: Sometimes I just want to choke the man.

Whoo.. that feels better.

*Edit* I can never get the formatting right the first time...

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;) RANTING :)

My Dad just does not get it. Arrgh. I know I can't expect him to because he's never been there but.. geez! Sometimes it just drives me crazy. He goes on

these rants about how I can make myself feel better. Doesn't he know I've tried that?!?!

"15 minutes a day, just sit there and meditate, give your brain some time to rest" Yeah, and um, what am I supposed to do about the intrusive thoughts

of death and SI? Any advice for me there, Dad? "Say the rosary, sometimes it helps to concentrate on something else" Gaahh, I can say the rosary until

I'm blue in the face if I want to and I still. dont. feel. better. EARGH. Frustration! "Think positively" Yeah, okay.. wanna hear my version of thinking

positively?? Here goes: If I'm lucky, maybe I will get run over by a car today.

And he just goes on.. and on.. and on :cussing: Sometimes I just want to choke the man.

Whoo.. that feels better.

*Edit* I can never get the formatting right the first time...

My parents are the same.: "come on, go and do some sports, you always feel better when you come of the track..." I just try to so say I haven't energy to do so... My body is not willing anymore and I can't snap out of it.

I hope that the app with your pdoc is succesfull. Maybe he prescribe some new meds that gets you out of there...

Hang on!!

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  • 2 weeks later...

So, I haven't been here in more than a week. Just in case you're wondering I'll tell you why.

It all started when I went to my pdoc appointment and told the truth. From there I was taken to the E.R. where I spent 24 hrs. Then a trip to a psychiatric hospital that lasted 7 days and 6 nights. It was surreal. I can't believe it. I missed every one of my final exams. Now I'm home and it's strange. I left the hospital with two things, a list of meds ( Cymbalta, Lamictal, Klonopin, Ambien)and another diagnosis (MDD and impulse control disorder). Wish I could say I felt better. But I'm here.

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