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I hate myself for lying and being defensive, then embarrassed when it's obvious that I lied but I can't say anything to fix it.

I suppose everyone lies in some way, but this is becoming chronic with one of my kids and I think he's beginning to blow me off. Being defensive and turning away when asked a direct question makes me feel like a criminal. I feel that he'll never trust me again.

Cognitive impairment doesn't help, but reduced levels of the mood stabilizers have helped that. I fear that the damage has been done.

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Hey Apterix

I'm completely the opposite

refuse to lie

but yannow it doesn't make life any easier IMO

except less for me to remember

~hah

the uncomfortable part for me

is that I tell way toooo much about myself

to people

who really don't freaking NEED to know

yano?

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Mind if I ask what the lies are about?

Little things!!

Like "did you fall down again?"- my answer evasive, oh no, just blah blah. Or "do you wear that coat we gave you?" I turn away and say- "it's beautiful"- not something like "not yet, but I will when the weather gets warmer"...

I mean, this sounds ridiculous but it's like a child lying about little stuff to not get in trouble.

I think I've lost respect and now I'm afraid to even talk to my kid!

I've talked a little about my "condition", but he thinks I'm making it all up, and I feel embarrassed and stressed about that, too.

I guess this is all about one son...I'm afraid to lose him.

Otherwise, I'm like you guys- blurting stuff out, apologizing...If anyone asks I'll go on and on, regret it etc.

what a stupid post

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no posts are stoopid

well maybe ones that totally attack someone out of the blue

but I have a feeling

you're getting to something

I'm just not getting 'it'

yet

up to more writing?

have to share more if you want more specific replys,

from me anyway

but then I'm totally a spazzed out too much-feeling too little-matzi/savy kinda person

hmmm

like that you mean?

could you possibly just need

to do for others

so that you feel 'worthy'?

is it only ok to encourage

others

not

yourself?

I'm dying here

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The important thing I thinkis missing is--how old is this child??? And is this new behavior? What might have changed in his/her life recently? Is it possible he/she is trying to protect you--my kids did that when they thought I couldn't handle something.

I have alsways been painfully, scrupulously honest with my kids. I used to even show them the utility bills, so they would know what our family was facing. Maybe too much--but I was raised with no concept oif what was "really" gong on the the family, cause there were things you just "didn't talk about". I vowed I would ntever be that way.

Sometimes I think I dump too much on them, now that they are adults, but I don't think I'd change it. My son could never really lie to me, cause we have this sort of psychic thing, and I always knew it. But he did his share--and his dad and I always told him--"you will never be punished as harshly for telling us the truth if you did sonething "bad" as you will be if you lie about it. " And we tried to stick to that. I wanted to make sure they knew that lying to us would NOT help, would often get them in deeper, and would cause many more problems than just coming out with what had happened.

Kids are often so afraid of not meeting our standards--but I think they need to know that everyone growing up makes basically the same mistakes, and thats how you lears. But I HAVE to know about it so I can help, and if necessary, cover your ass, or let you take the consequences if that is the best way.

end of parental lecture--

china

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the little things, or the whole range of things? for me it is a whole range, from if i ate breakfast to not being on ssdi.

do you have a reason to lie when you do? like about the coat- do you want to avoid hurting someone's feelings? do you think that if you told them you haven't worn it that they will be offended? sometimes we lie, we make just little white lies, to protect someone's feelings or whatever.

i've lied about huge things too, like where i live and what i do for a living (which right now is collect social security and work at a gas station).

i've lied about medium things like saying to my family that my boyfriend lives in his own place when he actually lives at home with his family, and what kind of computer i have...stuff that really isn't worth lying over, since it isn't to protect anyone's feelings, but it just pops out and there it is.

about trust- he'll trust you when you build back a track record of being trustworthy. kids are very responsive to their parents. you'll never lose him unless you do something totally vile. even neglected kids who are taken from their parents for good reasons almost always want to go back to their parents. there's that bond, and that bond is stronger than a few weird lies here and there.

just build back your track record. he may not be old enough to understand bipolar disorder. how old is he? china has a very good point in asking that question.

also, just what level of honesty do you want to strive for? do you just want to be honest about what you ate for breakfast and keep adult stuff to the adults, or do you want your children to know what is going on in the family with no garnishes? not telling your children about the bills isn't lying to them, it is just keeping adult stuff to adults. now if they ask, that is a different story i think.

work to improve your relationship by showing that you are trustworthy, and to do that, you just need to break the habit/tendancy to lie. i know, i have the same thing going on. i lie to people i meet just so they don't think i'm a total loser. i lie to my family also so they don't think i'm a loser. in short, to protect some shred of dignity.

so why are you lying? is it just habit? does it just pop out? do you have reasons, no matter how obvious or hidden they are?

loon

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ah...this guy, my son, is 35. (I began having children very young). He blames me for many many things, going back to teenage yrs. at least. Well, that's not so uncommon. He has an anger/rage problem which he recognizes sometimes, others not.

He has two kids, my grandkids, who I don't pay enough attention to b/c I'm always in my own head/hell- whatever- and have been for long before he was born- so again, no wonder he resents me.

It's like I'm afraid of him. I behave very weirdly around him and get anxious and emotional, which he pounces on. I can't help it...

but it's not every direct question that I'm compelled to lie about. It's when I feel like he's after me, and I get so nervous i feel cornered and try to get him off of me with a lie- which is so obvious it's terribly embarrassing, and I think I've gone down another notch in his esteem.

My meds had been increased when I spent some time with him last summer, and my cognitive failures were quite noticeable. He was appalled by my behaviour and watched me like a hawk to make sure I knew it. At least that's my interpretation. He seemed heartless, as I had told him already that I was having some bad anxiety attacks and felt very fragile. There I was being honest, and I thought He'd gotten it.

Man, this sounds weird and trivial.

So I keep trying- I do the mantra "I will act naturally, I will be straight. I won't get provoked into any kind of argument, I will not be triggered into defensiveness or guilt the minute anything derogative is said to me, or even a question that seems like a set-up, I will interact with the little guys and not go hide in a corner."

I do love my son. I think of him and feel so sad, and worried for him. I see him in fathers at check-out lines and can't look, it's so upsetting.

I'm afraid to call him, and ask my husb. to call. But last week I was thinking about him all day and feeling so sad for/about him that I did call him and started falling apart and he neatly changed the topic and I was OK. (after he said he was fine)

And again, one time I was on MSN and he came on and asked how I was. I said not well, and he said he'd call me. I said don't, I'll be crying. He said he will definitely call me- go offline. So he did, and I blubbered on and he was compassionate and wonderful!

I actually don't think I can really articulate what's going on here. He's coming up for a visit soon and I'm nervous/anxious/stressed that I'll blow it again and he'll just write me off. I want so badly for him to not be looking for my fuck-ups, and for me to not have to take the heat when my husb. and I make a decision together. The lot of the mother. My T would say (I expect) to just come out and tell him my concerns and feelings and so on, but I don't see it happening.

In other aspects of my life, it just pops out. I've been lyng since childhood, and did have good reasons then, I thought. Maybe it's more like trying to divert attention- being defensive b/c I feel so raw and exposed.

but ya, it's habit, it pops out, I'm fuzzy about my reasons and do not want my family to think I'm a loser (too late now) and want some dignity back.

Funny thing- an old friend whom I haven't heard from in years wrote me saying that I was the most ruthlessly self-honest person she had ever known! If she only knew.

But it's so easy to blurt stuff out, and feel like an utter fool, isn't it? Then it's catch-up and defensive, evasive half-truths or full-out lies. Protection of some sort.

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"Did you fall down again?"

Honey!

You aren't really concerned about the lies so much as the pain... are you?

Pleasing others when you ARE pleased, but too ill to feel it is so so so hard. How can you love when all your hate is focused on yourself.

Bloody disease!!!

Unfortunately, acting normally for us can mean acting in pain which is boring as hell for others. You have tried really hard to keep the mask on. Let it off sometimes.

And yes... the meds are hell, but keep taking them.

Big hug!

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