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Borderline bitch from hell part 2


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Well things are good on the psychosis front, good on the booze front, very bad eating wise but most disturbingly of all I have developed a fixation with playing around with my medication and trying to give myself Serotonin Syndrome or NMS, sort of like Russian Roulette but with pills.

This is a very traumatizing time of the year for me. I witnessed a severe accident involving my sister when I was 10. She broke her neck and is now paralysed from the chest down. Every time of this year I develop a fixation with cutting myself and over-dosing. I have resisted cutting myself because I inflicted a ridiculous amount of damage on my hands and arms last year and I have ended up with severe scarring on my hands which is pretty fucking obvious to everyone who looks how it happened. This time last year, I took 3 overdoses of zimovane and other drugs. I really really want to do it again. I just have a terrible compulsion to self-destruct that no matter what I do never seems to go away. I have hoarded all my tablets and now I want to take them. But I can't take an overdose because my family tend to get very angry at my shenanigans and I'm already on a sticky wicket with my mother over my bulimia. If I overdose, she will kick me out of the house and lose all faith in me.

So what I have been doing instead of overt overdosing, is playing Russian Roulette with my pills. I am currently prescribed 60mgs of Prozac but I am taking 100mgs every day, I am currently prescribed 12.5mgs of Zyprexa but I am taking 20mgs every night, I am prescribed 1.5 mgs Haldol prn but I take about 6 mgs every night. I have old packets of abilify sitting around and I have started taking 30mgs every day. On top of all of this, I load myself up on benzos, sleeping tablets, anti-histamines and painkillers every night. No matter how good things are going for me, I can't resist digging the spurs in further and fucking things up for myself. I am addicted to self-destruction, I can't keep away from it.

I know what I am doing is incredibly stupid but at the same time I have this terrible compulsion to fuck things up.

Can anyone else relate to this desire for oblivion?

blackbird x

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Yes, all of the time. Usually I do it by drinking too much and doing really dumb things like sleeping around with horrible, horrible people, purposely messing up at school or work, or getting myself into dangerous/messy situations where not only SHOULD I know better, I DO know better.

I'm sorry dawl, it sounds rough. This time of year is also very rough for me. I'm like the Grinch, and seeing happy people, so many happy people, makes me want to kill myself (after killing them of course).

I wish you the best. I want to say becareful, but you, like myself, know that already.

Take care of yourself +/

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But I can't take an overdose because my family tend to get very angry at my shenanigans and I'm already on a sticky wicket with my mother over my bulimia. If I overdose, she will kick me out of the house and lose all faith in me.

I am addicted to self-destruction, I can't keep away from it.

I know what I am doing is incredibly stupid but at the same time I have this terrible compulsion to fuck things up.

Can anyone else relate to this desire for oblivion?

blackbird x

oblivion often sounds like a nice place to be. but, for different reasons that you maybe, i too feel like i'm not allowed to try to go there. though family opinions and trust do play a large part, trust... needing to believe that they believe in me. but yes, compulsions ahoy. stress. school. the holidays. lonely empty nights with the refrigerator hum. but i guess i feel like i would loose faith in me if i did anything? i don't know. all this work we do should amount to something inside, shouldn't it?

sometimes i wonder if a fear of failure is the same thing as a fear of success? if the compulsions for self destruction are an out because what if.... you know?

take care of yourself blackbird. self destruction gets addictive, either out of ritualistic habit or the adrenalin rush or a million things. cycles are there to be broken. you've come a very very long way. i'm proud of you for being aware of what is going on.

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Thanks for all your replies, compassion and concern, it means a lot to me

I don't want to tell my GP because she might cut off my drug supply even though that's probably what I need at the minute. I don't see the p-doc til after Christmas. Maybe I should just confide in the GP and get my tablets on a week-to-week basis so I don't do anything stupid. Just to tide me over this difficult period.

thanks again

blackbird x

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I don't want to tell my GP because she might cut off my drug supply even though that's probably what I need at the minute. I don't see the p-doc til after Christmas. Maybe I should just confide in the GP and get my tablets on a week-to-week basis so I don't do anything stupid. Just to tide me over this difficult period.

week-to-week sounds like a really good idea. on pdoc put me wee-to-week meds a few times (when i needed it) and while it was a pain going to the pharmacy that often, it was what i needed at the time. i've found that most doctors appreciate honesty and are unlikely to do something like take away all your meds if you ask them for help. it builds trust when your doctor knows that you will tell him/her if you are having a problem. i think it would be really healthy for you to talk to your doctor about this. it really is a good way to stay safe with meds when you're going through a rough patch. i hope your doctor will help you out. and i really hope this time period passes for you.

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Well I succumbed to my demons and took an overdose and cut my hand again. I feel like such a failure - it has really traumatized everyone in my family. My sister came to see me in the ER and slapped me in the face and ran out crying. My mother went dead pale in the face and shrieked that she was going to drop dead from a heart attack. I am dreadfully sorry for all the pain I have caused my family over this, especially as I had been doing so well, there was no motive for what I did - I just had a terrible compulsion to harm myself. I had a good long chat with a Liaison P-Nurse this morning, I asked about my diagnoses and he said it has been written down as Borderline Personality Disorder, Paranoid Schizophrenia, alcoholism and bulimia. I'm not really surprised about the sz diagnosis but the p-doc had been shielding it from me as he thought it would be too unfair to label someone with a Personality Disorder and Sz. The P-Nurse was very upfront and honest. Still, I can't hide behind my diagnosis and blame it all on my illness. I fucked up big time and god willing I won't do it again.

How can I apologise to my family and have their faith rebuilt in me?

blackbird x

PS thanks for your compassion karuna and Penny

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Time is given to us to re-build with blackbird. Sounds cliche, but time takes care of alot of things. Give them and you time. Focus on you and take it slow. It is time for you to start to heal sweets. Slow and easy precious, slow and easy. yesterday is over and today is a new day.

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You and your feelings are more important than your family. Accept yourself for where you are at. You are not a failure for harming yourself. You are not wanting to hurt your family, I know that. It is not intentional, but they don't understand it.

It does sound like you have some survivor guilt over your sister's injury. You don't deserve to hurt just because of what happened to her. You are not suffering any less or more than her. There is no comparison.

Also, your diagnosises (is that a word?) do not define you. They just provide a name for a collection of your experiences. They truly are a testamont to what you have had to endure and your power to overcome adversity.

You are awesome Blackbird. Don't let anyone make you feel otherwise.

Lachesis.

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thanks for the replies mitten and lachesis, they mean a lot to me.

I think my family are fed up because they have had to deal with my fucking things up all the time. I went for a walk with the dog this evening and came back to find my mother in tears, totally panicking as to my whereabouts. I feel so guilty and now I have to face my sisters who are all sick and tired of this bullshit. When I was in hospital for 5 weeks last year, nobody came to visit me. Part of me is remorseful but another part of me is angry that they treat me as a 'bad' person, out to cause trouble and fuck things up. I can't help but think if I had a disease such as multiple sclerosis, everyone in the family would be looking out for me, they all would have shown up at my hospital bed. I tell them my thoughts, they recoil in horror, and treat me as an embarrassment. They try to cover it up and minimise my feelings because they are so frightened. There is still so much stigma attached to mental illness, even among your own family members, it makes me want to cry.

All I can say is thank the lord for crazyboards - for giving us a chance to get together and be supportive. This place is my only support network, my family are too frightened of me and I don't know how to fix things.

thanks again

blackbird x

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I really don't know what made me overdose, I had been thinking about it for a while and the impulse just hit me. I guess it boils down to the poor impulse control of BPD and the mucking about I had been doing with my medication, I need better coping mechanisms, but the reaction of my family and their anger and loss of faith in me is a powerful deterrent to future overdosing. I think I got it all out of my system - now it's back to the straight and narrow. I always fuck up at this time of year. Hopefully I'm back on track again. Fingers crossed. My mother is totally anti-anti-psychotics. She hates me being on the drugs and she constantly badgers me to stop taking them, I hadn't taken my Zyprexa for 3 days before the overdose due to maternal nagging. Some might say "you're 28 get on with your life without your mother" but I just want to make her happy and I am worried about the long term effects of being on Zyprexa myself.

blackbird x

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