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Well....

So it's been almost one month since my boyfriend of 6 years and I broke up. We lived together...and simply rebuilding my home has been monumental.

It's amazing how much stuff two people can accumulate together. But that's just it...it's just material possessions. Ultimately these things don't define who we are.

So, I've got to adjust.

Everything has changed. For example, My tv does not work with my dvd player so I can no longer do yoga...yoga has always been my saving grace, and doing it alone without a guide is just lame.

I'm stuck with $850 rent and I'm a student working part time.

But I'm okay. Really. Still maintaining my responsibilities, eating, etc. Although I don't feel like doing any of these things, I know how much worse I'll feel if I just give up...so something in me keeps pushing on.

I've been really depressed and even more anxious than anything......but I know this to shall pass.

But LOSS is so HARD. It hurts so much. I feel like a part of me is missing, gone. And it is.

I feel groundless.

And I miss him. He was a good guy. Otherwise I wouldn't have stayed for 6 years. But it wasn't working. We just couldn't connect emotionally the way I needed, and I have to keep reminding myself that.

Fuck.

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about 2 weeks ago or so i ended a 4 1/2 year long relationship with someone who i knew from the start had no intention of ever getting serious. basically, i went over to his place (he came to my place a grand total of 2 times in that whole time we were together), talk a bit, have sex, watch tv and talk, and i'd go home.

i kept thinking that maybe he'd want to live together one day, or maybe he'd change. i know now that those were really, really dumb ideas. but at the time they sounded reasonable.

i asked him a couple of times if he wanted a deeper commitment than what we had, and he always said no, that he'd been there in the past and it was for younger people (he's 49 and i'm 28). he always told me that one day i'd get sick of him and move on.

well, he was right. i finally did get sick of him and move on. it took a lot of support and encouragement from my family and friends, including people here on CB, but i finally kicked him to the curb. my tdoc also helped me a lot with that.

it had gotten to the point where going to see him was like going to get a tooth filling or something. i just didn't want to be there. i didn't want to have sex with him. i didn't want to be with him. but why was i holding on? it was just for comfort. for that entire time, i had lived the life of a girl in her 20s, dating whoever else i wanted, while he either didn't know or maybe didn't care. but he was a constant.

for a bipolar person, having a constant anchor is the greatest thing. nothing in my life has ever been constant, but my relationship with him (ex bf #1) was constant. constantely bad, but constant. it was there. and now it is not.

i'm happy that it isn't there anymore. i'm not obligated to have sex with someone i don't want to have sex with. i don't know why i ever did that in the first place. call it being mental i guess.

he probably already has a new girlfriend. it wouldn't take him long- he's a local celeb, is very good looking, and has money (which he never shared with me). i'm happy that my sunday afternoons (the time we used to spend together) are now free for other things, even if other things is just surfing the net. i'd rather be here than there!

thanks everyone for helping me out of that one. i was crazy. i don't know why i tolerated it for 4 1/2 years!

loon

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Why must the sting of loss run so deep? Yeah, this is awful, no wonder I had been avoiding breakingup and staying in a comfortable relationship.

So I wasn't getting my emotional needs met....maybe that wasn't so bad.

I just want to talk to him...and I know that would only reopen the wound and make this pain start all over again, so that just seems like futile.

I feel so alone. And I know in an existential sense we all enter this world alone and leave this world alone, so I'd better just get used to this feeling even if/when I get into another relationship.

But DAMN. I cannot shake this overwhelming feeling that a piece of me is gone. And that he wasn't a bad guy. And maybe I let a good one get away. And fuck, no. I know this needed to happen.

Will yall keep reminding me of that?

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Hi themind:

what do you want to talk to ex-bf about? your relationship? the weather? your family? your struggles? politics?

a long term relationship doesnt just END. at least for me. but i suppose im in a different position as an "ex-wife" and i get to harass ex-h whenever i want. or, thats what i give myself. im still really sad that h wanted a separation & divorce. but ive met more people and experienced new things since the split.

i think its ok to talk to ex-bf. y'all were together for a long time and its way too difficult to just break free.

wishing you peace,

december

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Kelli...

I think you did the right thing. You weren't really happy in the relationship... it wasn't going the way either of you really wanted it to go, I don't think. And if what you're saying to yourself is "he wasn't a bad guy" instead of "he's the most important thing in the world to me"...then you're probably doing the right thing. I mean, that's a good sign.

Do you think in some amorphous future you could be friends? I don't know how that works for you. I cannot imagine being friends with an ex. But... I think it's maybe a sign of maturity?

6 years is a long time. You can't just shake it off.

The dividing of the stuff is the worst part. The stuff you never thought you'd actually have to pick apart and parcel. The do-you-want-this-crockpot-or-can-I-have-it? bullshit. It's like going through a will with the dead person.

I lived with my ex. We didn't live together very long- less than a year- but we managed to accumulate a lot of communal junk. It was shitty. I still have a couple of things of "his" that I guess are now "mine." I ended up throwing away some stuff he probably would have wanted (he literally left with his friends to move across the country- I sure know how to drive them away), but oh well, right?

This is fucking hard stuff. The emotional grime builds.... just the emotional grime of the actual apartment, even. I know I didn't feel "okay" as long as I still lived there. Although to this day I sleep in "our" bed and I'm actually sitting on it right now. I managed to disassociate it.

I wish you strength. I know you have it.

And again, I really do think this is the right thing for you.

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i left my "nice guy" (but so depressed he wouldn't even get out of bed to go to the pdoc) husband 5 years ago. since then i've looked back, sure, and i've wondered if i did the right thing. it took us two years after our seperation to sign our divorce papers, and even then, my hand shook on the line, and writing my signature was really difficult. i don't think either of us really knew what to do.

but since then, i've had all kinds of relationships (including the one that was almost 5 years long, these other relationships were concurrent). two of them were actually serious, and one so serious that i was ready to move across the country to be with him because he moved out there, except he got cold feet on the idea and changed his mind. bastard! at least he changed it before i moved out there!

my point is that you'll have the same thing happen to you. you'll go through dating different men and find one who you will be able to bond with emotionally the way you want to bond. there are a lot of fish in the sea! don't worry that you tossed one back in the water. sure, you will look back, just as i do, and wonder from time to time. and i bet sometimes you may miss him quite a lot and wonder why you did it. but always remember the why, and don't make the past into some ideal that it is not. remember the past for what it is, so you know why it didn't work and you're not tempted to go there again.

i hope you have a healthy wellness period and can release some of the pain and frustration. when you're ready, i hope you meet someone special and fall in love again.

loon

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