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A stupid thought - trigger


trg247

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I want to punch my metal door as hard as I can. This is going over and over in my head for the last few days. I cut that is what I do, I use exacto blades to draw blood and create scars, I don't hit things. I do not understand where this is stemming from it just jumps up in my mind and I can not let it go. Part of me wants to actually punch the damn door to see what happens but I know if I start I will not stop til something breaks. I hope this just stops.

take care

trg247

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********TRIGGER*******

Its interesting to me- i started the other way around- by hitting, punching varios surfaces with various parts of me. it wasn't till later i moved on to cutting.

my theory is thatwhatever you've been doing (ie cutting), its not giving you whatever is is you are looking for, so you moved on to see if something else will.

the thing is- the behaviors get really addictive-they don't work, they just make you feel different- not really better.

then they become a problem themselves

for me it was all about anger- i couldn't stand the thought or feeling and so i stayed self destructive far too long.

all the pdoc, tdoc, helped eventually. even though i was very resistant to it, i must say that DBT was extremely helpful

good luck controlling the impulses- i know how hard it is!

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My apartment's front (metal) door does have several dents on it, owing to bad days at work. Fortunately, they're not too visible due to the light color of the door.

Might I suggest not punching metal doors since they're rather expensive --- $500 apiece on average.

And not cutting yourself, but on this board that's pretty much implied that I'm going to say that, so nevermind.

I did wish that your personal trigger would identify itself, since that could help in sublimation... which is when you turn your emotions into something (more or less) productive, mostly forms of art, such as poetry, prose, painting, photography, still life, whatnot. Freud called that a "defense mechanism".

;) I got over some traumatic events from last October by composing a poem which detailed how I wanted to carve up the offender alive, put her flesh on a sandwich, and stuff it back into her mouth. :) (sorry if that was too much, but yes, such thoughts made me feel a lot better; note that I'm a misanthrope)

But right now I guess you can't figure out what's pissing you off. Perhaps you should just write about being pissed off. This phenomenon explains the lyrics of a majority of modern heavy metal bands.

For me, exercise seems to be a good substitute for SI. When you cut yourself, you're punishing yourself to feel the pain. When you exercise, you're straining yourself, and likely feeling the burn. As long as you exercise in a safe manner and don't overdo it (I've got a 2x4 in my eye with respect to the latter, but yes).

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