Jump to content
CrazyBoards.org

Depression and bullshit.


Recommended Posts

Hi, genius. You're depressed.

blah blah blah.

It's hard to figure that out. Well, when I'm crying every day and dreaming of how I'm going to die and wishing it would happening or that I could do it the majority of the time, it usually tips me off. But even then, it can take a few days to really sink in.

Now? Not really clear. Until last night, when I realized that I only have enough energy for short periods of interest in things that make me happy, my concentration is getting even worse, and I'm kind of crying sometimes- but in an odd restrained way and not nearly as often. And there are other things.

It's that sort of depression that really sneaks up on me. The one that seems like one long day with nothing to do. Constantly bored, lonely, anxious, occasionally irritable, less than usual. [ut realy irritable when I am so]. But all of it seems to just float through my mind and not really settle any where. I can't get a grasp on it so I can't make much sense.

Until I am at the point of constant deathwishes [How can I die without anyone knowing I meant it? I hope someone runs me over. I hope I hope I hope] Until I am crying all the time for no real reason that makes sense- seeing that I am the shittiest person on earth. Until I just find it a nuisance to be alive because I am a burden on everyone else, I don't see the depression. Most of the time, I almost think that I am at a baseline type of mood and that I am just doing something horribly wrong. At least i think that is what is going on. I forget what I might have felt like a few weeks ago, if I was actually feeling ok before.

I always say I am doing ok but I rarely am. I wonder what sort of ok I mean. Is this my actual baseline?

Can mild to moderate depression, that inbetween, possibly be my baseline? I stare at my ceiling and just breath and my mind will go blank now and then. In between the blanks I wonder what I am doing and why. During those periods, the answers are nothing and no reason and is that the goddamn baseline that I am supposed to be fucking shooting for?! Is our baseline actually wher we want to be or where we most often are?

Fuck this shit.

Now I have to somehow call my psychiatrist and say "Surprise! I'm depressed!" When I knew I was feeling really irritable and had a lot of anxiety the last time i saw him. Just... don't recognize it

If it is where we most often are, really where we most often are and not just the BIG episodes, than it could be anywhere for anyone and should treatment be geared toward being functional in that state? [then there is kindling and such but I'm not going there right now. I'm just frustrated as hell]

I'm so rambly right now and I don't even know where to put this. I feel like Bps will understand but I don't know because it's very springery so someone else needs to make the call because I just can't make decisions right now and it takes too long to write this.

UGH.

LR.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I understand how you're feeling. I haven't really found that stability yet either. The closest thing I have had is similar to what you describe, this low grade depression with a strong anxiety component and suicidal ideation.

I would hate to think that that's an acceptable baseline. I won't accept it and I'm on a real med go round right now trying to find something that feels right to me. it's not easy and seems to be a long process. It feels like it's never ending.

Keep trying. Ask for a cocktail adjustment. What you are describing doesn't sound acceptable.

Dee XO

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hey girl....

I feel you on this. And it is SO frustrating when depression subtly sneaks in and settles in and THEN you realize it...like after it has already started.

But I think that is the nature of the beast. Yes, one can become very aware of triggers and troubling symptoms, but I think it just has a tendency to sneak in without us realizing it until after the fact.

I really hope you can find some relief today.

Hugs.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

i think for some people depression can be the natural baseline but that doesn't mean it's an acceptable treatment goal. after all what we all are like naturally sucks, you know? i also sometimes wonder if depression as a natural baseline is somehow linked to being aspie (of course not as a universal characteristic, maybe more like a contributing factor or a tie-in link or etc. fill in the blank that my brain is missing because my brain is full of too much now. language is hard.) whatever the case is, it's not okay that you feel like this and it doesn't have to be this way.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

even with all the meds i take, i'm still always just a tad depressed. it doesn't matter if we throw in an SSRI or not. i think this is my baseline and i have to deal with it. there is anxiety mixed in there, and of course the concentration problems on their own.

when you're feeling hopeless, remember that it only goes up from there. what goes down must go up. remember that your mood will cycle and you'll feel a different way soon.

in the meantime, your feelings would be totally unacceptable to me. i think you should tell your pdoc how you feel and look into a med change. obviously something isn't right.

above all else, stay safe. if you do feel suicidal and are seriously suicidal, you know to go to the ER. you said that you're a burden to your family. that's not the case- that's your depression talking. you know, and i've posted this enough, that my dad was the center of my life and i found him dead on the floor. there are no words to describe my grief. i could never put someone else through what i've gone through. finding him dead ended my suicidal ideations cold, right there. people in your life do love you and would react the same way i did. please, for them and for yourself, consider that in all your doings while you're depressed. suicide is a final solution to a temporary problem.

you'll cycle out, get new meds that work, and feel better in no time. for now, have hope and believe.

loon

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My pdoc has a habit of asking things "compared to your usual self"... I go all blank and ;) ...

I don't even know what state I like best? Hypo is kinda nice, but expensive... but I also like hypersomnia, its cosy and warm... psychosis goes with that feeling of clarity (in general, with bursts of paranoia thrown in for fun).

I have pretty low standards of what I'm ccapable of so I tend to find mild depression acceptable... but you said moderate and I think thats stretching a bit far... so rouse oon your pdoc until your in a better state.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My baseline is constant mild depression and mild anxiety. When I'm properly medicated, I'm neither depressed nor anxious - I have the kind of baseline that non-MI people have. Your brain may default to depression, but that doesn't have to be your baseline state forever. I agree with Dan, go and bother your pdoc, and then bother him some more if it doesn't work.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

There were several things you mentioned in your post that ring true with me but I'm late for work so I'll have to keep this short.

For starters:

...seeing that I am the shittiest person on earth

Um, no way pal. Although I'm not around as much, once upon a time you helped me crawl out of my own hole just by posting a few positive thoughts. That alone excludes you from the shitty person title.

Okay, I'm really late for work, but I wanted to post to let you know I'm with you on a lot that you said.

I hope you can talk to your pdoc and get some relief.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

There were several things you mentioned in your post that ring true with me but I'm late for work so I'll have to keep this short.

For starters:

...seeing that I am the shittiest person on earth

Um, no way pal. Although I'm not around as much, once upon a time you helped me crawl out of my own hole just by posting a few positive thoughts. That alone excludes you from the shitty person title.

Okay, I'm really late for work, but I wanted to post to let you know I'm with you on a lot that you said.

I hope you can talk to your pdoc and get some relief.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...