Nobody even cares.. not even me.

[Tanya]

It was suggested that I am in a hypomania state, but I doubt it now. I'm so up and down today. My mom is depressed herself right now(she's also bipolar). She's screaming at me for everything, and at she works at mental hospital and she got into arguments with the patients there yesterday.

I'm trying to tell her I need to see my doctor for a med change, and I'm trying to tell her about how I feel but she just doesn't care. she's saying to me is "All you think about is me, me, me,me. You'll be fine".

So I went to listen to my voice mail and my fiance called a few times last night while my phone was turned off and he was mad about that. So I just called him and I told him how paranoid I am right now but he doesn't want to hear it, he acted like an ass. I'm starting to open up to him and tell him how I feel but he never wants to hear it.

I don't tell anybody anything and I just started to on here, so I thought I'd be able to tell my fiance and he flat out doesn't want to hear it.

Now I'm dropping, I felt high earlier and now I feel so low. I feel so worthless. I don't want to be me anymore. I can't stop crying right now. I feeling like I did in October before I went to the hospital. I'm sorry, I really am for bothering you all with this, I just have nobody to talk to and I need some type of support.

[Maddy]

I'm sorry you're not getting the type of support you need IRL.

It reads like you are cycling pretty rapid.

I hate calling my Pdoc as well for fear of hospital too,

but I've learned that being proactive is sometimes

better than waiting to crash. And often times the Pdoc

doesn't want to put someone in the hospital unless they

are a harm to themselves or others. Usually it has to be

a "crisis" situation.

I can't guarantee that though. But I think that calling your

Pdoc would be a good idea and bestt for your safety. It also

shows a level of maturity, I think.

Take care of you first.

[AirMarshall]

Honey,

Keep typing there are a lot of sympathetic ears here. (I know, keys stuck in ears).

It does sound like you are cycling pretty fast, and the fact that you are able to recognize that is actually a major milestone. The pdocs see that as an accomplishement.

Do you have to depend on your mom? Can you call the pdoc yourself, and get a friend to take you, or call a cab?

The sooner you see the pdoc, the sooner you will get under control.

keep posting.

best, a.m.

[Loon-A-TiK]

yeah, you are cycling so fast, you really need help. and unfortunately for you, your mom isn't the one to support you in that right now.

you really, really need your pdoc right now. get in touch with your pdoc and tell him/her what is going on. s/he can probably RX something to keep you out of the hospital, or adjust your meds for a fast stabilization.

the important part right now is that you're safe, and you're not safe if you're going through these kinds of mood cycles. they're the worst and the hardest.

can you get your fiance to take you to the pdoc if you can get in to the pdoc? can your pdoc help you over the phone, like tell you how to adjust your meds or call in something for you? most pdocs will do that for us crazy people.

if you have to, don't hesitate to go to the hospital. even if it sucks and there are kids there who are more immature than the average 5 year old, at least it is a safe place for med adjustments and to keep you from harming yourself. you need to take your own symptoms and feelings seriously. if your mom can't do that for you right now, you've got to step up and do it yourself.

you're almost 18 and almost ready to fly! you're ready to fly now, it is only a technical matter of time now. fly like you know you can.

loon

[resonance]

That sounds like a very rough situation - not only are you having mood problems, but your mother is obstinately ignoring them! I've been there myself and it sucks.

I agree with the suggestions above. Call your pdoc, and if you can't get a ride, call a cab.

[faith]

I'm so sorry you're going through this, it is a horrible feeling when the people who ought to be there for you don't seem to be.

As far as your mom, please realize that her response probably isn't due to not caring about you or your feelings- but because it is easier and safer to pretend you are OK and YOU can take care of it, esp. when she is feeling overwhelmed by her own illness. I am not trying to defend her not being supportive- that wasn't, and isn't, right- but please don't take it as a sign that she just doesn't care.

(Ironically, she was saying how it's all about "you, you, you"- when saying that is because she thinks it's all about "her, her, her." And the same for your fiance!)

I hope you will take the good advice you have received and call your pdoc. It is hard when you are feeling like this, I know, but you can do it and you deserve to get the support you need. Don't listen to the voice of your illness telling you otherwise and trying to lure you into trying to muddle on without help. That help is out there, you just need to pick up the phone. And please keep posting!

[Kharama]

Hay i think ya need to get on the horn to the docs i know it sucks and we have all been there before in stages of mania and nothing makin sense ... but perhaps maybe a rx change can provide ya with some peace and quiet ,.. but i think ya should be the one makin the choices about you cause after all it is your body isnt it !@

[mejeba]

I agree with all of the above, and would add that the fact that you are talking here is a sign that you're ready to take your illness into your own hands and get yourself some help- where you don't have the compications of close relationships.

but I know it sucks really bad to not have your mother and boyfriend support you. They're not seeing past their own issues.

[chinacat]

Oh, gee, golly damn--that fucking rapid cycling will take you down to your bones--thats what happens to me when I start to cycle. Last time I went down the BIG slide, the pdoc increased the mood stabalizer (for me, Tegretol) and in a flash I was pretty steaady.

Remember--this is National Depression and Batshit season--which may be part of your problem, but should not keep you from calliing the pdoc. And keep posting--we are here, and who better to wail to than other mentally interesting folk?

And BTW--I think your mom has been my nurse every time I have been "committed"--which means she must be moving around alot. Or are all the pnurses like that? And if so, wouldn't that alone qualify me for a job in a psych ward? Things that make you go "hmmmmmm"

We love you--hang in there--sorry if I sound flip, I really do know those quick cycles, and they truly suck the big one. Hang on--call the pdoc. Keep posting--

china

[Tanya]

Honey,

Keep typing there are a lot of sympathetic ears here. (I know, keys stuck in ears).

It does sound like you are cycling pretty fast, and the fact that you are able to recognize that is actually a major milestone. The pdocs see that as an accomplishement.

Do you have to depend on your mom? Can you call the pdoc yourself, and get a friend to take you, or call a cab?

The sooner you see the pdoc, the sooner you will get under control.

keep posting.

best, a.m.

The sad thing is yes, I do have to depend on somebody. I can't call the the p-doc. I tried 4 times.

[Loon-A-TiK]

The sad thing is yes, I do have to depend on somebody. I can't call the the p-doc. I tried 4 times.

do you mean that you tried, as in started to dial or picked up the phone and couldn't, or that you've put in calls that aren't being returned?

i think you mean the first one, so i'm going to go on based on that. if i'm not right, just slap me up the side of the head and ignore me

you've got to do it. no one will do it for you. as i said in my first post, you're almost 18, almost an adult. calling your pdoc in this situation, where you feel like something different every other second and can't seem to quit unraveling, will be very difficult. it will be even more difficult without the support of the people you love and care about.

however, you've got to, for your own very life, you can't NOT do it. think of it this way- if you don't call, you could die. my dad commited suicide in a bipolar episode. don't let that be you.

the adult thing to do is to be responsible for your own life, and being almost 18 you're old enough to do that. take responsibility, as much as possible in your current state of mind, and make the call that can save your life.

if you have to, think of my dad and the intense trauma i've been through because of his suicide. i think that's a major reason why i'm on disability today, why i've gone to the hospital so many times, been through so many meds, and through so many jobs.

so please, call your pdoc. you're the only one who can do this for yourself. as i said, it is time for you to fly.

loon

[Tanya]

The sad thing is yes, I do have to depend on somebody. I can't call the the p-doc. I tried 4 times.

do you mean that you tried, as in started to dial or picked up the phone and couldn't, or that you've put in calls that aren't being returned?

i think you mean the first one, so i'm going to go on based on that. if i'm not right, just slap me up the side of the head and ignore me

you've got to do it. no one will do it for you. as i said in my first post, you're almost 18, almost an adult. calling your pdoc in this situation, where you feel like something different every other second and can't seem to quit unraveling, will be very difficult. it will be even more difficult without the support of the people you love and care about.

however, you've got to, for your own very life, you can't NOT do it. think of it this way- if you don't call, you could die. my dad commited suicide in a bipolar episode. don't let that be you.

the adult thing to do is to be responsible for your own life, and being almost 18 you're old enough to do that. take responsibility, as much as possible in your current state of mind, and make the call that can save your life.

if you have to, think of my dad and the intense trauma i've been through because of his suicide. i think that's a major reason why i'm on disability today, why i've gone to the hospital so many times, been through so many meds, and through so many jobs.

so please, call your pdoc. you're the only one who can do this for yourself. as i said, it is time for you to fly.

loon

Okay, I just called, I didn't hang up after it rang but it went to voice mail, do I leave a message that I want to make an apoitment with my doctor ASAP or keep calling? I'm so sorry this is so new to me, and I'm feeling really anxious.

Nevermind. I kept calling. and I told them its an emergency and I need to see my doctor ASAP!! and they said "Well if its an emergency please go to your nearest hospital".. So then I just took the apoitment for Monday @ 3:15

[Loon-A-TiK]

many pdocs will have a phone conversation with you to at least see if there's anything you can do with your current meds to help the situation. ask about that. see if there's any way you can comunicate with your pdoc. maybe your pdoc is reachable even by email! there should be a way to communicate before monday.

if you must wait until monday, then people have to help you. they need to help you make sure that you don't hurt yourself. you don't need to be babysat, but people around you, even delusional ones who don't understand, need to know your feelings so they can be on the look-out for weird behavior that is dangerous or weirder than usual. looking back, my dad was acting weirder than usual but i brushed it off as having to do with his legal problems. i didn't know that when we were discussing his estate, we weren't discussing it in terms of what i'd do when he went to prison, we were discussing it in terms of when he committed suicide! i feel so guilty...

but anyway, enough about me. it is GREAT that you called, and even that you made an appointment for monday. that's close enough that others should be able to keep an eye out for you and for you to be able to keep it in mind that you do have an appointment coming up soon, and that you should just chill out until then. post here when you need us and don't be afraid to share your feelings. getting it out is a part of getting past it.

i'm really happy you called. i'm really relieved.

loon

[Tanya]

I'm angry at my mom. yes I called her 4 times at work today.. and now she dosn't want to come home because I'm Manic.. So I asked her why she hates me so much.. and she's like.. oh not this again, I got to go.

and, I tried to tell her all my ideas and such.. She doesn't care.

When I told her I made a dr's app. She said "What did you do that?!?"