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My Life and Marriage and Alcohol...


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*This message was originally titled "My Life and Marriage have come to an end". Too dramatic, so I changed it to something a little more neutral.*

So, due to my never ending addiction issues, my marriage is over.

My wife just left the house. Prior to that we had a very loud arguement right in front of my kids. As a result both of them are crying, I'm crying...everything I have worked so hard for is over.

I want thank you all for your help in the past, but I've decided that I can't live like this anymore.

It's time to go.

Bye

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So, due to my never ending addiction issues, my marriage is over.

My wife just left the house. Prior to that we had a very loud arguement right in front of my kids. As a result both of them are crying, I'm crying...everything I have worked so hard for is over.

I want thank you all for your help in the past, but I've decided that I can't live like this anymore.

It's time to go.

*THAT* would be a hell of Christmas present to give the kids.

If you mean you just have to get out of the house for the moment to clear your head - take the kids to a movie, or maybe to

their grandparents' if it isn't too far away. It's a really, really bad time for making ANY decisions.

Push comes to shove and you feel you are past coping, hell, you can take the kids to ER with you. In a cab even. There are

people there trained to help with the hard situations.

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Godamnit, you guys,

First of all, Noot, even though I haven't agreed with you a lot, you're absolutely right. Dang You.

And then resonance. Hey, thanks a lot. I'm not sure if you even remember me, but I've always liked you and I've noticed how much more you've posted since VE upgraded you (excellent move, by the way)

Ah shit, you guys, I'm sorry. I hate myself for even saying what I did. I don't want to end my life, but I'm so, so tired of my fucked up thought processes.

I promise to stick around and I'm sorry to be such an attention hound. It's not normally me.

Really guys. Thanks.

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Hey guy, we are glad to give you all the attention you need any time.

Today has been a black day, no doubt. But no matter how unwanted you may feel, the kids need and love you. You can never be replaced in their hearts.

"Never make decisions at night, when tired or hungry"!

If you need to, go stay with relatives or friends.

hang in there, tomorrow will be better.

a.m.

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Everyone,

I can't express enough how much your support means. Some of my thoughts may be disturbing, and I have marked them with Dead Ed. ;)

Is there anything worse than making your own children cry? Or your spouse? Suck.

God damn you guys, I can't believe how much ignorance one man can have? And that makes ending it all so attractive.

I will be looking at a 6th trip to at least a detox, and even before that I will somehow have to wean myself off Suboxone before any of the local drunk tanks will even look at me. That alone is a mountain I fear to climb.

Fuck.

Whatever, I'll fucking do it. What other choice do I have? Keep living with this fucking madness? And you want to hear something fucking sick? :) Since I'm such a chicken shit about hurting myself directly, I have been taking "comfort" in the fact that at times my stomach discomfort is actually my liver slowly degenerating, to the point beyond repair. Oh, and nevermind my pancreas. :cussing:

Now how fucked up is that?

I have to get out of this pattern, but I'm so fucking scared I wind up doing jack.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but it does give me a small amount of relief to at least say it.

Thanks again for reading. And even more so for your support.

Martin

Edited because I had too many eds. Doesn't help that I can't write for shit.

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FUCK!!!! dude, i JUST found this post!

no, no making permanent decisions right now. you aren't thinking straight. sorry, i am taking away *that option* for right now. holidays are the fooking worst time AND you are not thinking straight, so bonnie is removing that option from you.

i'm so sorry. stupid question: what kind of support system does your wife have? does she have a counselor, or go to Al-Anon or something like that? even if you do split, she needs some support, some realistic support, not just her friends saying "he's a dick". it sounds like you have fought and fought and fought this....perhaps she does not realize this is not just 'a choice'. just thinking aloud, disregard if she already has a good (realistic) support system.

also, how stressful are holidays in general for you guys? is she all stressed out anyway? perhaps this is not the time for her to make permanent decisions....

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my mom tried off and on for YEARS to quit drinking and doing coke and crack... it's a hard damned road.

she now has almost fifteen years clean and sober. i know she fights it most holidays even still.

partly it helped that she finally got on a med cocktail that keeps her stable enough she doesn't have to self medicate.

anyway, just saying DO hang in there. keep working at it and it can get better.

us kids have even forgiven her and i'm working on building a good relationship with her, so even if you are having trouble now, you have PLENTY of time to be okay with your kids.

i'm glad you have this place to come and cry for attention when you need it ;)

abi

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You've gotten my PM too.

I'm glad you've got this place too.

feel free to vent whenever tyou need too.

better to vent than to hold it in and explode.

rd is right too, the holdiays are stressfull too and

that may be contributing too.

sorry im not a fount of wisdom or anything.

just know you would be missed and everything.

i remember when you were bobafet.

<3

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...i remember when you were bobafet.

<3

Awshucks Maddy, you remembered.

I'm feeling somewhat better now, and you guys all rock so much for supporting me. I can't say for sure what would have happened if I didn't have such an awesome safety net, but I'm thankful to have it.

I'm still ashamed for even considering what I was. What kind of selfish shit is that?

I really hope in the next few days I can come to grips with all my madness, and make the right phone calls, but it's comforting to know you guys are listening. Thanks again to you all.

Especially to you, uberspazz

Martin.

edit: I want to apologize to resonance for implying in my post that they posted more since becoming a mod. That's just nonsense. res has been posting helpful advice long before mod status. Sorry about that. Damn emotional posts...

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Hey Guy. I don't know you or your problem. But I'm trying to have a dry holiday for the first time in a dozen years. Sick of being blacked out for the holiday. I've been where you are standing. I know what it's like.

I wish I was there to give you a squeeze. You can make it out of this. We are all here for you and will give you what ever support we can. Post when you need to and someone here will respond. This is an awesome support board. Thank you for you and your family for stepping back from the edge and not ending it all.

You can get help for your problems and it sounds like you are going to do that. Hard calls to make. I know. I hope this didn't come off as preachy, I meant it as supportive. Take cake care

I wish you peace and all the best

Panz

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A somewhat better day today. I didn't go to work, and tried to relax a little. I made some phone calls about getting into a program, and it's looks like the beginning of January is my best bet.

My kids have forgiven me, and I'm working things out with my wife. I still have a way to go.

Thanks again for all your positive words and thoughts.

M

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Your life is not over. Each day is a new beginning. You will always have your children. One day at a time k? Use the holidays as a time for abstinence. You can do it. It's okay for saying your suicidal. It's the best time to get attention so go ahead, reach out to us. Nothing worse than isolation. Many of us at CB have been suicidal too. Every one has lost someone special at some point. Hope you ache a little less tomorrow.

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When suicide is the options and not getting clean ... something has totally competely gone a-rye.

It just goes to show what alcohol and or drugs can do to ones thinking process.

Actually when we drink and or use we are committing suicide - slowly, but surely. We totally and competely sabotage ourselves in every way shape and form.

You say it is your 6th attempt at detox .. that doesn't reflect a failure .. it reflects someone who is trying to succeed .. keep trying .. you'll get it right ... a failure is one who gives up trying. Never give up.

I left my husband with the heart and hope it would be the "wake up call" that would cause him to realize he needed to take responsiblity for his addiction and get clean ... Unfortunately it wasn't ..

He decended deeper into the pit of addiction hell. The further down he went the more he lost along the way. Jobs, homes, property, wife and kids, friends, any type of self control .. eventually .. seemingly helpless he was stripped of everything .. right down to his life. Meth, pot and alcohol were his companions.

His death was a senseless death .. that could have been prevented had he committed to recovery.

You can change .. IF .. YOU truly desire to. No one can do it for you .. Your wife can't fix you. This is your battle to fight .. no one can fight it for you ... and you can't win if you don't fight ... You have the power to overpower the enemy. Losing is not an option .. death is not an option ... The only option you have is to win. The mind has to embrace a winners attitude ... and stop giving way to defeat. You can do this ... and I bet you can save your marriage too .. the longer you wait .. the more time can be against you instead of for you.

You are in my thoughts and prayers,

Passion

Recovering Alcohol/Addict

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Out of the frying pan and into the fire....

I'm so out of sorts that I decided that I couldn't continue the electrical project I've been working on for the last 6 months. In short, I told the general that I quit. I'm no good at my job when my mind is on overdrive and so I figured it would be best to cut my losses now, than risk making a severe mistake.

I hate myself for doing it, but my bigger concern is mis-wiring something and potentionally harming someone. Not to mention the fact that I was being somewhat reckless and working on many circuits live.

I've cut back on my alcohol consumption, partly because I'm not enjoying as much and I'd like to be somewhat under control when I go back to detox. I wish I could just quit, but even the staff at detox warned me against just quitting cold turkey.

Being crazy and an alcoholic just fucking sucks.

I really feel like shit right now, and I know it will only get worse before I will feel better. I wish I didn't hate myself so much right now. But as passion mentions, this shit is all me. No one else to blame.

Now if I can just hold it together before I lose my family.

"And all your weight, it falls on me, it falls on me..."

-Collective Soul

edited to correct song lyrics.

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so what else are you doing besides detox?

That's a good question B. At this point I really don't know. I also can't think about that too much right now, otherwise I may chicken out.

So, for right now, I'm just focusing on getting sober, then maybe I can talk to the staff at the hospital. In the past they've been pretty helpful.

Thanks again to everybody. Stay tuned.

edited for grammar.

~M

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  • 4 weeks later...

So,

14 days sober now. Since I couldn't/can't afford rehab, I basically did the unthinkable; I quit cold turkey. Since I had done so much damage while toxic, it was a lot easier to abstain this time than in times past. I have a few online support groups that I've been using in addition to this one, and all in all it hasn't been as tough as I feared it would.

The first three days were probably the worst. Mania took hold. I was unable to eat, sleep, anything. I would stay up all night watching movies and smoking cigarettes one after the other. And do bizarre stuff like clean at 3 a.m.

These days my sleep still sucks, and my appetite could be better, but at least when I wake up I don't feel that nasty taste of dragon shit in my mouth, and I can remember with perfect clarity everything I did the night before. The Mania has also subsided. (For now at least)

Small victories I guess.

I'm also a lot more involved with my kids. My son is in the pee-wee basketball program, and I've been working with him 3 days a week at practice. I help my daughter every night with her homework, and since I'm home a lot now, I try to have supper ready for momma when she gets home.

Just like a regular dad is supposed to.

Anyway, I thought I would let you guys know what's going on. I still have my shitty days, but, who doesn't? I just remind myself that it could be/has been worse. Much worse.

Thanks again for the support,

Martin

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Hey Martin!

Glad to hear from you again.

Cold turkey eh? Wow.

Glad it is working for you. 14 days sober is a great start. 1 day at a time now. I am glad you have a few places to check with for support.

I bet the kids are really glad to have dad back.

;)

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Hi Martin

I have been reading your posts and I have not been posting myself on CB for months...but when I read that you are two weeks sober I was so excited and happy for you, I had to break my spell of not posting to say Yay! I know you don't know me, but I am someone who battled with alcoholism for nine years and I'm sober now for two and a half years and when I read that you've been sober for two weeks I thought, Wow, I can still remember that point...it felt SO good. It was hard, but yeah, it felt really, really good. And I quit cold turkey, too. Just one day, I said No More. So I know it's rough...but do-able. You can really do this. I know.

So I just wanted to say...keep at it. It is so worth it. I had a lot of rebuilding to do with my family, too, but oh boy, worth it! You are brave.

As a lot of other people have said, this is a good place to get encouragement and help. I just wanted to say I think what you have done, the willingness to face this, the willingness to fight, is so great.

Take care and keep going,

Cat

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Hey WZ!,

How's that Wii treating you? For Xmas I bought Zelda for the kids, and after rigorous testing, I can safely say that it's a fun game. I know I spent at least one night playing it until the early morning. It's a great distractor.

How is your son these days?

And hello Chesire Cat. 4 years? I'm not even thinking that far into the future. Any tips? So far, I've been taking it one day at a time, dealing with the problems as they come. So far so good.

It hasn't been easy, but it also hasn't been impossible.

Thanks for the encouragement, both of you.

Martin

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so, Martin, what are you doing to treat the bp? just wondering...methinks the drinking was selfmedicating?

anyway, glad you are hanging in there. i know you have gone several rounds with this beast before. i give you great credit for picking yourself up and getting back on the horse again. many people would have just quit, given up and slid into skid row.

you've got cohones, buddy. may they serve you well.

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Hey Karuna! Congratulations on the promo. Another good move by VE. Thanks for your words of encouragement.

Hey B,

If you look in my sig, you'll see that I take Suboxone (off-label). Since I'm so, uh, special (read med resistant) my forward thinking pdoc has had me on Subox for the last 2 years. For me, this drug (for the most part) keeps most of my mania and mood swings in check. It's not perfect, but it has worked better than anything else I've tried, with few unwanted side effects.

You're right on about the self-medicating bit. While the subox does help a lot, it doesn't do much to slow my thinking down. At the time it made sense, but I also knew that drinking to quiet my mind is like taking a slegde hammer to an itch. For a good period of time though, I was able to drink a few beers and it would "store" all those racing thoughts into the background of my mind. Unfortunately, over time my tolerance went up, and soon I was drinking much too early in the day. I even stopped drinking coffee and instead went straight to beer. At 8 in the morning.

Drinking problem? Just a little.

What brought me out this time was how it was affecting my family, specifically my wife and kids. I had to do something before I lost them. Either that or...the unthinkable.

Staying sober is priority one.

The biggest issue I have now is what started this madness in the first place: I can't shut my brain up. What seems to work the best is keeping busy and not allowing myself to think like I used too. So I've started playing my drums again, doing more stuff with my kids, and reading just about everything I can get my hands on. I also have this place and a few other sites that have helped quite a bit.

Whoa. Literary elephantitis. Sorry I went off on a tangent, but I need to get this crap out of my head. Any input from you guys is greatly appreciated. I have more to say, but I need to watch the Seahawks get pounded by the Bears.

Martin

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Sorry about the Seahawks... they fought a good fight.

As for the rumination... ah.... I know it well. Cymbalta all but stopped them cold for me. But given that it does some serotonin reuptake inhibition (in addition to norepinephrine), I'm assuming it's not an option for you. But what about Seroquel or Zyprexa?

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hey there Martin.

Like I said, looks like we hopped on the same ride again. Glad to see that you made it through to the other side, and so sorry I wasn't here to help you during your hard time.

Next time we're on the same ride, wave will yah? ;)

Laters!

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How's it going Martin?

The Wii sure is fun. I am going to get the Wii Ply because it comes WITH a controller. We need another one anyway.

Both boys are doing well. My oldest is back at school and looks like he is applying himself a little more this semester....we hope...LOL.

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Hey WZ/Pat/etc.

35 days today. Woot!

If I had to rate where I am, on a scale of 1 to 10 (10 being the best), I'd have to say I'm feeling a solid 5 mentally, and about 6 physically. I'm also feeling competent enough to return to work, and a few of my longtime clients have waited for me. Talk about lucky.

Momma has been very supportive. Over this last weekend our TV bit the dust, so she let me put one of those high-def jobs on the Sears card. She pointed out that since I've quit, we've saved about $350.00, and if I can keep it together, the tv would be paid for by April. Now I know I'm not out of the woods yet, and probably never will be, but as long as I can avoid "just having one" I will be okay.

The tv is a Panasonic 52" rear projector, with a built in tuner. We already had basic cable, but the tv's tuner picks up the high def signal from the big networks, along with all my local radio stations and occasionally, adult channels! Last night I caught a show called "Real Sex" which is like a porn 20/20, and they featured something called "pony play". I will have to ask Bonnie more about it, but from what I gather, people put on horse gear (bit, saddle, bridle) and act like ponies!!!

It's also a blast for the Wii! In Zelda, Link's head is as big as mine, and I don't have to squint to read tiny text anymore! Yippee!!

What a difference a month makes eh?

Okay, I've got to get to work, but I wanted to check in with everyone. I hope you guys have a great day.

Soberly,

Martin

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*cough* *cough* uh, yes, why my husband and i *have* seen Real Sex a few times...ok, every single episode. yeah.

i know a couple of ponies in real life. they really get into their role. it's a cross between acting in a high-school play and playing imagination games as a kid, with a lot of kink thrown in.

i'm now imagining some of the episodes on big screen...omigawd!! the lady with the dildo collection.....

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... the lady with the dildo collection.....

...Or the three gals *test driving* the life-sized fully equipped man doll, which featured a series of attachable man bits in various states of arousal...

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... the lady with the dildo collection.....

...Or the three gals *test driving* the life-sized fully equipped man doll, which featured a series of attachable man bits in various states of arousal...

seems like I saw that episode :embarassed:

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Worried about Patheral.

She was having a bad night last night.

I wish there was a way I could check on her without being annoying or nosy, just to let her know that someone cares about her.

I really hope your okay Pat. Check in please? No questions, no harrassment. Just let us know you are still around.

Please?

Please keep her in your thoughts folks, until we hear back from her.

Martin

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  • 2 weeks later...

M~

I'm sorry you're not feeling well. I agree... being sick sucks! I'm waiting to come down with it any day now myself as both my son and significant other had it last week. But hopefully not... I've got my share of health problems, but a weak immune system doesn't seem to be one of them, thank god.

Head cold aside, I'm glad you are doing well... and I couldn't not say so.

~Sunshine

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Thanks gals!

My little boy is also sick this morning. I either gave it him or he got it from his sister. I feel sorry for him. His little face is red and he can barely breath. I gave him some children's cough/cold syrup, and sent him back to bed.

And this morning I can hear a bunch of gunk swishing around in my ears. Lovely. Since I've had numerous ear infections in the past, I've already set up an appointment with my gp so I can get a Zpac. Hopefully I can get it started before the swishing turns into intense pain in my ear canal.

Probably wouldn't hurt to have the doc look at my son too. Just in case.

In the past I probably would already be halfway through a drink by now (if you're going to be miserable, might as well get drunk) and lining up more for the rest of the day. In retrospect this is probably why it would take forever for me to get better again.

Yeah, I know, flawed thinking, but...what can I say? I'm an idiot.

On the brighter side, I'm looking at day 51 without a drink. Yippee!

edited typos.

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If you think you have an ear infection coming on, take Ibuprofen (Advil) and a decongestant. A lot of the time this combo will keep the infection from becoming a full blown raging infection requiring anti-biotics.

My inner ears are all full of scars because of infections as a kid. A doctor told me about the anti-inflammitory/decongestant combo and it works like a charm.

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Thanks WZ,

Thankfully, I didn't get an infection. I'm still dealing with some congestion, which is probably still around because I smoke.

And that lately has been weighing a lot on my mind, because the men in my family have a habit of dying from massive heart attacks in their early 50's. And when I say weigh, I mean twenty-four-hours-a-day-every-second type shit. I've been sitting here telling myself that if I don't knock shit off soon, I may not be here in the next decade. My own dad died at 50. I'll be 41 in a little over a month.

Back in December, when I was on a self destruct stint, I was practically gleeful that I wouldn't live past 50. Now it's scaring the shit out of me, because I want to be there for my kids.

Since I've decided to live, I need to do all that I can to stick around, and to that end I've decided to give up smoking again, on the 1st of March. I'm getting a lot of shit from my friends who are saying I'm trying to take down too many demons at once, but I'm tired of visualizing myself hooked up to a morphine tree in some cancer center.

I'm serious. I'm really scared this time. So much that I know I will succeed. I want to live damnit!

And yes, today is day 57 without a drink.

Okay....I have to go smoke.

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Hi!

I dont think ive ever posted to you...so i hope this is ok.

i think its great that you have stopped drinking and have been sober so long. that is wonderful.

ive never smoked anything. and i really dont know how the different "quit smoking" therapies work. and i dont know the issues of those meds combined with MI meds...but is it something you could look into? or something you would be interested in? or do you enjoy the motion - enjoy the physical aspects of smoking. (HUSH HUSH i know someone else going through the same thing).

regardless - im very proud of you. it sounds like life is on the up.

love,

december

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Hi db,

Thanks for your response, and yes, any ideas are always appreciated. I remember you from back in the Jerod days. I think back then your avatar was a picture of you sitting in a lawn chair with something on your head? (like Nick Post)

And please pardon my manners for not saying congratulations on your baby. I really suck at keeping up with people (just ask Patheral), or a lot of times when I've wanted to say something to people, I start overthinking a response and say nothing for fear of coming across as an idiot, or worse an asshole. I'm real good at both in real life.

As to your question, I suppose there is something about the ritual of smoking that I enjoy, but the real enjoyment comes from that first drag buzz you get after lighting up. I also really like how they taste after sex or after I've eaten a big meal. But I really want to stop now because lately I have been negatively fixating on it so much that I almost (almost) don't get as much enjoyment from it as I used to.

This will be at least my 12th attempt to quit. I was actually successful for a few years a couple of times, but eventually something would happen and all of sudden I'm back at it in no time. Like alcohol, all it takes is one, then one turns to two...and so on. I really need to be cognizant of that to have any chance of pulling this off. It's been working for drinking, so I know it can work for smoking too.

If I can just make the first three days without cheating, then it becomes a psych thing. I've had pretty good results with the patch, so I'll probably go that route. I'd love to try Chantix, but I know my insurance wont go for it. And you know that since it's so new it's going to be 'spensive.

So, yeah, 5 days from now I'll start the patch. I will post my progress here, and once again any advice is greatly appreciated.

Oh, and today is actually my 59th day without a drink. That's almost like finding a twenty in a coat you haven't worn in a while.

Thanks again,

Martin

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Hi!

Yep that was me - dressed up for halloween. unfortunately i no longer have that photo...I was living with an old guy and the relationship ended quite horribly...but thats a post for another time.

my friend who is also trying to quit smoking says the same things - that the first drag is bliss. and enjoys the physical aspects...friend also drinks coffee and considers it a time to relax.

you are not an idiot or asshole. ;) and while my fetus is a surprise, she is welcomed and loved and i cant wait to see her IRL and not on a sonogram!!

congrats on the sobriety. that is truly a wonderful accomplishment!!!

love,

december

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Thanks again db,

I'm running late for work, but I wanted to mention that today is my 64th day sober. Woot! Today is also supposed to be my last ciggy day, but there's a little problem.

I have 2 packs of smokes left. I know I said that today would be my last day smoking, but if I have any ciggies lying around after I quit, I will cheat.

As soon as I run out, that's it. I've already bought some nicoderm patches, and I've been trying to visualize me as a non smoker. Wish me luck gang.

Anyway, gotta go. I hope everyone has a good Wednesday.

Martin

edited for grammar.

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Quitting smoking too? Be easy on yourself. You've already accomplished so much by cutting out the booze. I quit cigs many years ago and the only way it was gonna work for me was by going cold turkey but it's different for everyone. Lots of people love the patch (better than chewing gum that tastes like an ashtray.)

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Thanks AM and scatty!

I know may be tackling too much scatty, but lately I can't stop obsessing thinking about how much damage 25 plus years of smoking has done to my lungs.

I'm not in completely uncharted territory here, as I have quit both smoking and drinking twice before in rehab. Of course there I was medically supervised, but I know I can do this.

Today has probably been the worst for me in terms of not smoking. I've been constantly chewing gum and nibbling on peanuts and dried apricots for the last three days. At least I'm regular.

I've also noticed that the patch won't let me sleep for more than three hours at a time, and when I wake up I'm sweaty and hot, even with the windows open. I might have to try taking it off at night. It also makes me pee more.

69 days without a drink today. On that front I feel pretty good. Hopefully in a few days after I've purged all the nasty ciggy crap out of my system I will feel a bit better.

Thanks again for all your support,

Martin (I can, I am, I will)

edited for grammar (as always)

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  • 2 weeks later...

Howdy folks, and Happy St. Pattys day

A quick update on my stuff: 81 days today without a drink and 17 without a smoke. The drinking thing is almost a non issue in terms of thinking about it, but smoking is still a real struggle.

It's not the nicotine as much as the motion of doing it which I've mentioned before, and this is what's really bugging me still. It's not as bad as it was a few days back though, so I try to focus on how much better I feel physically, which I really do. It's great to be able to taste food again, and I seem to have more energy in the latter half of a workday too.

That's about it for now. Enjoy the weekend gang.

Martin

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Don't they have "smokeless" cigarettes that are designed purposely for those trying to quit? I seem to remember that they also can deliver nicotine (like the patch or gum). Though if you're going through the physical motions of smoking and getting the nicotine, how does that really help someone quit? Speaking totally as an amateur here.

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Yeah, I thought about those ciggy substitutes, but it's a giant pain in the ass to get a script for it, and even then my insurance wont cover it. I did consider it though.

My seizures are occuring more frequently lately. Last night I had about a dozen myoclonics in a short time frame which is a little disturbing. Normally I only experience a few, but these went on and off for about 30 minutes. My doc isn't ready to change anything about my meds and he doesn't seem to worried about it, but he's not having these things. Bah.

Somehow, I've managed to get another head cold. My head hurts and I feel like shit. No contracts today.

Well, there it is. I'm going to go lay down. Thanks again for everyone's support.

Martin

P.S. 82 days - booze, 19 days - cigarettes.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Yippee fucking skippee folks!!!!

According to my lovely, today is my 100th day without a drink, and 36th without a smoke. Fuck yeah!

Still wanting to smoke though. Damn, this habit really has its hooks in me. All my previous attempts were nothing compared to this one. I'll make it though damnit, even if it kills me.

What's even more annoying is that I still haven't put on the weight I lost over Xmas. I don't want to besmirch anyone with an eating disorder, but I can't eat enough of anything to gain weight. Although I don't pay too much attention to BMI stuff, I know that physically I should be weighing in at around 155. For the last 46 days I have stayed a steady 146, and I've noticed that some of the muscle I used to have is shrinking. Must eat more.

In other news, Monday was my 41st bday! The kids and mom were home, so we went to Red Robin (awesome burger joint) and had my free bday burger: The Royal Burger, which is basically breakfast and lunch between a bun. This beauty is prepared with a fried egg, three strips of bacon, 1/4 of beef, cheese, lettuce, tomato, etc.. all squished into a gigantic bun. YUM.

We also went to see "Meet The Robinsons". Great cartoon! Definitely drawn by a bunch of stoners.

The kids are home this week for spring break, so no jobs for dad right now. That's okay because lately I have really been having fun with my kids, especially my son. He kicks ass! So smart.

I wont post there pics here, but if any of you would like, I'll glady send you a pic of my pride and pain... er my kids.

Okay, time for some Wii fitness with my son. See you guys later.

Sober and smoke free,

Martin

edited to put correct number of days for nonsmoking: it's only 36!

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WOW!!!!

congrats on the continued sobriety as well as kicking the cigs. you are definitely an inspiration.

I, too am having weight issues...not gaining enough for my pregnancy, and now im actually losing weight which could be bad - im eating all the time. must cram more food down my throat!! ;) (btw - never had an ED).

Happy happy birthday!!! Im so glad you had a good one. and i hope you have been able to enjoy "spring break."

love,

december

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ka-mai, I just wanted to say that i'm really proud of ya... those're some monumentous accomplishments. I really want to take another stab at quitting drinking. I don't believe i've ever made it past one month, in probably 6 or 8 attempts now. Easy to lose track. I've just been laid off today from a job i've been at for 2 years, so that kind've thing really throws ya in for a loop. Thanks for the inspiration, and i'll be sure to post a topic of my own if I decide to quit again.

Oh and as for the weight gain, to build muscle make sure that you get a good amount of protein everyday! You can even try whey protein shakes, quick and easy to make. Add that with a lil' weight training, your weight'll start rising in no time.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Just a quick update...

I'm still smoke and booze free. Can't remember the day counts, but...

Fucking depression.

I appreciate everyone's comments, but today I just don't care about anything....

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Don't let it trick ya... it's merely your brain operating in a minorly faulty, and temporary i must add, way. This is where alcoholics, like me as well, fall back into the trap. Do anything you can to keep as busy as possible.

That said, i'm very, very proud of you. If it weren't for your accomplishments, your family would have been gone. Now THAT'S something to be happy about.

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Well, I've somewhat climbed out of the pit. I cheated yesterday though and had a smoke. Damn, those taste good. I did not drink.

My thanks to you guys for your comments. I'll keep at it.

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hey there,

I know that I'm way late into this journey of yours but I just wanted to say that you're really an inspiration. really. I've read through all of the posts from start to here and you've come so far and it's wonderful.

alcoholism runs in the men in my family (damn irish genes) and too many people have lost their fathers over it, my dad was only in elementary school when his dad took off and eventually must have passed on by drinking himself to death. I'm not sure if they even know where he went or when he died, my father is now 56 and I still know it would be too painful for me to ask him. the pain that it causes for generations is unreal.

your wife and children are lucky to have someone who loves them so much and is willing to go through all this and stick with it for them. I hope things continue to go well and that the depression lifts soon so you can go back to enjoying your newly-discovered life with your family.

sorry for jumping in, just had to give you some congrats where it's due ;)

meg

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  • 3 weeks later...

Howdy all,

Doing okay today. The sun is out and the temp may hit 70 if we're lucky. So far, I've made it 134 days without a drink, and it's been at least 2 or three days since I "cheated" and had a smoke. I'm not sure if I will ever be an absolute non smoker for the simple fact that I really enjoy it.

I also refuse to feel like a failure for giving in too, damnit. And most of the time I believe it.

Whatever. I'm still sober, so there.

Have a good one gang.

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Ka-mai... Wow. Mind-boggling. I'm on day 20 of sobriety... to say that I'm proud of you for making it to day 134, or to say you're an inspiration.... well, that's an understatement. I think you're amazing, and you give me hope. Keep up the good work, if cheating is what keeps you going, then do it. Like my husband says, it's better to be smoking than drinking.

>high five<

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Well, I had mentioned earlier in this thread that I wanted to make another attempt to quit. I had went 3 days, slipped only one night [ due to horrid ultradian rapid cycling ] and have picked myself back up. That night was Sunday, so I guess tomorrow makes one week. I know it's not much, but it's a start! Although it doesn't seem to boost my mood a whole lot, it's good to know that maybe I can lose a lil' of the beer pounds i'd put on, and it also feels good to wake up without a hangover, or just the normal fatigue that comes from drinking. I'm also thanking myself for trying to stop putting my liver through such a beating, as I'm also on psych. meds as well.

That being said Ka-mai, i'm thrilled to hear that you've stayed on the wagon for a helluva long while, and I hope that I can continue in your footsteps. How's the fam?

I'll try adding updates as I can...

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Hey B2BC,

Thanks for stopping by. How are you doing? Sober? Trying? I know it's not easy, especially if you think you're addicted but have only one way to quit. Cold Turkey is a real bitch, and depending on your intake, all that DT shit can make it worse. Take it easy friend, and let me know how you're doing.

Hey Rabbit, how goes your abstinence? Did you get your chip?

And December, you must be ready to have that girl I bet. Especially if it's hot where you are.

Take care gang,

Martin

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Hey mai...

I'm doing my best with sobriety. I hadn't had a drink since the 6th of May, but I did slip last night. I recently found out about Carbohydrate Intolerance. I definitely have it!! After eating a normal serving of any carbs whatsoever, I get very fatigued, depressed, and sometimes even suicidal. I'm now experimenting life without carbs; well, at least not until bedtime. It's working.

Also, I noticed that you mentioned playing drums! I've been playing for almost 10 years now; it's great fun! I have 5 videos posted on you-tube, if you wanna check em' out:

That's the first vid, and the others appear in the list on the right hand side. Or, you can just click on "more from this user"

I suggest that you post up some vidz of your playing as well!

Take care, and wish me luck on continued sobriety =)

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Fuck Fuck Fuckity Fuck.

Still sober, but barely. Days like today really put me to the test. This is just no way to live. The pressure to provide for my family, to be a good father and husband is just overwhelming. I don't think I will ever be satisfied with myself.

This type of thinking is usually what gets me drinking again. The difference this time is that I am fully aware of what I would normally do. Despite feeling like shit, I REFUSE to give in.

Fuck you addiction...

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Hi there Martin...

Sorry to hear you are having a rough time, but I am so glad you have a whole new perspective on this.

Being a parent IS tough. Being a spouse IS work. The trick is to make that work as fun as possible instead of using drugs or alcohol as a way to avoid the responsibility.

Stop by and rant your face off any time you feel the need.

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We're all here for ya, bro. Seeing as this thread is 5 pages long, we all relate and understand!! Giving in is just so damned easy, and it's also so easy to feel depressed and dissapointed the next morning that you let yourself down. I'm still struggling, and I know that it'll probably take many more attempts until I can finally quit. I long for that day =/

I DO have Klonopin that I can use, for times that I get depressed or anxious... instead, I usually opt for alcohol. I don't know why I don't just head for the tranqs.... I'm too stubborn to give up the drinking, I guess. It's time for me to start fighting myself back.

Meditation in times like this can really help, to direct your mind to where u want it to be. This may sound retarted, but if you can think of a "happy thought" and latch onto it mentally as hard as you can, it can really boost your mood. The mind is a weird fuckin' thing.

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Hi Martin:

I really admire you. look how far you have come.

the only reason i dont drink right now is because im preggers. but i look at my due date, and people asking "what do *I* want after the baby is born?" and i think a flute of really nice champagne.

may sobriety sustain you.

love,

december

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way to go, Martin. Tell that bastard mf'er addiction to go to hell. That's all anyone can do, is one day at a time. Look at how far you've come. Congratulate yourself, and do WHATEVER it takes to remain sober. I'm sorry, I'm late coming into this thread, so I don't know a whole lot about you. Can you take a day off? During the past month, I found it to be tremendously helpful to curl up on the sofa and sleep. I felt a little more in control upon waking. I have a 4yo at home with me, so I do know that can be difficult to do.

Yeah, provider, parent, spouse... it's enough to send anyone screaming for the bottle. Hang in there, "easy does it" as they say.

Thinking of you. One day at a time. Keep going.

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Hey gang, thanks for checking in and pushing me forward. I am still sober.

I've had some doctor stuff going on lately that I haven't talked about, but it looks like that isn't going to be as bad as I feared.

And as to my previous little whine about life, well...at least I am fortunate enough to even have them in the first place. At the risk of putting my foot in it, it could be so much worse. NO more complaining. My children are a gift and every minute counts. My wife is a goddess considering all the shit I've put her through. If I buckle down a little harder, I can start generating more income again, and that's never a bad thing.

And just like that...course corrective thinking.

I tend to lose perspective sometimes, and I think I take too many things for granted. Although we certainly aren't rich, we aren't on welfare, and I have a skill that can always make money. My wife does okay too, and my kids have much more than we as kids ever did.

Having a skewed brain is really the only sucky thing, but that brain has got me this far. I can only hope it will keep me going.

Thanks again to you all. Day 146.

edited to add sober days

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hey there crazy drummer,

Yeah, I'm still sober. Since the weather has been so nice up here, I've been busy doing outside stuff, mostly in the garden. Anything to keep my mind busy, you know? Ive been trying to repeat the success I had last year with my Sunflowers, but this year the bugs have gotten to a bunch of them. Oh well. I still enjoy the challenge. As long as I stay sober, right?

It's a bit more difficult now that it's warm out. The taste of a nice cold one on a hot day is sorely missed. I don't however, miss feeling like shit, and I have to remind myself of all the bad things that happen when I drink. MUST NOT DO THAT!!!

I've also been hanging out with my kids more and more. I found an inexpensive pool for them, and I set it up in the backyard. I really get a kick out of watching them splash around in it. Reminds me of when I was little. Much easier back then. Aw...memories.

160 days today. Nearly half a year.

......................................

Hey, I never got back to you about drums. I'm too self conscious about posting anything on youtube, and I'm not nearly as good as you are. They are fun though.

So, are you still cutting back? Sober? Whatever the case, thanks for checking in with me. Let me know how you are doing when you get a chance.

See you all,

Martin

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Woohoo, Martin! 160 days! I'm so happy for you, man. That's very inspiring for me. I know all about wanting the cold one after a hard day's work in the yard, but I'm glad you didn't go there. Keep up the good work!!!!!

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Hey, thanks Rabbit!

I keep forgetting to check in with you. It sounds like you are still doing the sober thing too. How many days?

I'll swing by your neck of the web here in a bit. I hope you are doing okay.

Martin

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I'm hangin' in.... trying to try, ya know.

I found that my benzo's really hinder cravings for alcohol. I also have never had benzo abuse problems in the last year that i've had em, so that's a good thing.

As for spending time with your kids, I just went down to MD to visit my bro, his wife, and my nephew; he's five. I fuckin' LOVE kids - makes ya feel like one again! I can't imagine what it must be like to have your very own.

Hang in there man... this good weather makes a great excuse to get outside often. I wanna go camping this season! Glad to hear you're still on the wagon. Take care!

And upload sum freakin' drum vidz =P

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Also, I could use help trying to quit. I mean honestly... i'm 150 pounds, and can drink a six pack and still be walkin' / talkin' fine. Must be the Irish blood, I guess. It just sucks though... when I drink, I actually feel like going out 'n hanging with friends. Without it, i'm just all depressed and mediocre. Plus, pretty much all of my friends drink as well. AA's just not my thing though...

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Also, I could use help trying to quit. I mean honestly... i'm 150 pounds, and can drink a six pack and still be walkin' / talkin' fine. Must be the Irish blood, I guess. It just sucks though... when I drink, I actually feel like going out 'n hanging with friends. Without it, i'm just all depressed and mediocre. Plus, pretty much all of my friends drink as well. AA's just not my thing though...

Oops... correction. I meant a twelve pack.

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