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Perspective is a bitch.

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Hi to everyone, I havnt posted since the ... yeah n/m aynway so for those who don't know me, I apologise for any confusion, (i hang out on teh IRC #crazymeds on undernet) alas its rant time.

Background details no particular order (for those whom i havnt talked to in a while)

-2005 spent time inpatient after feeling like ass(read suicidal), after much crap with group therapy, cbt, therapist etc, finally ECT and meds started to feel better.

-took a long term med absense from my job.

-eventually hit on meds combo sometime in early 2006 seemed to do the job.

-started back at work with isnurance and dr support gradual 8 week back to work program.

-W/ doc's support went off meds in august cuz they didnt seem to be effective/vs side effects, 30mg lexapro, 1500mg depakote, 1mg ativan and 25 mg seroquel prn.

- quit the shitty job working as a cable tv contractor in late october.

- now have a girlfriend, things are ok, ish, sorta, help i'm confused.

- am now working for a contractor helping to renovate his house.

So the details. Where to start, oy vey.

I'll start with the job, it was not condusive to helping me stay healthy. It had to go. I thought I Had something lined up to replace it with. I couldnt wait, I had to bail, get the hell out of there, I stopped going to work 2 weeks before I quit, It was too much for me.

some time before I quit, I met a nice woman, she and I share many interests, she's very understanding in alot of regards, but at the same token I dont think she truely understands... I find she gets frustrated when I forget things due to spells of forgetfulness, and then resents it when I have spells of full recall with no difficulty.

I do too. I'm so goddamn sick of my memory getting worse and worse.

So anyway I'm wondering at this point that maybe I should talk to the doc about meds again.

In the interm med free period i've been able to manage the ups and downs without significant dificulty, however twice now in the last 2 weeks (or more?? i dont remember) I've had excessively bad lows, and a few scary highs.

This new job I was at, I was high as a kite after a few weeks of seclusion, i finally managed to get out into the real world. Its no-brain house demolition, I worked like a tank, twice as fast as everyone else. Now one of the issues I have with this is the boss thinks i'm some kind of machine, and as its casual labor, i'm not sure how to, or even if i should bother to explain everything. I dont want a special consideration.

I just want realistic expectations.

I dont see the doc untill some time in january, i could probably get him to see me on short notice but i dont see the point... I'm not sure he's the best doctor for things. but then I'm not really sure of anything given that half the time I cant even remember....

I'm not so sure I want to remember....

All I know at this point is I've had enough of this.

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That sounds very frustrating.

You could give your pdoc a phone call, at least, and describe what's going on and see if he thinks you should come in. It sounds like you're having pretty bad problems recently, moodwise and cognition-wise, and your recent mood swings are a pretty good warning of future ones.

Sometimes docs don't realize the cognition is a big issue, and you have to say it over and over until they understand it's a big deal.

Do you have a tdoc? Or the kind of pdoc that does therapy? The situation at your job sounds like it could get bad, and it might be helpful to have someone else do problem-solving with you.

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when you talk to pdocs and read the literature about what MI disorders are considered to have the most profound affects on people and the disruption of their lives, bipolar disorder is always high on this list, up there by schizophrenia. there is clearly a reason for that. bipolar disorder takes you to the heights and lows of human experience. and somewhere in between, like you and i, our cognition goes to hell and a handbasket.

considering this information, i am never, ever in favor of bipolar people going off of meds. it is a lifetime disorder. it is not going away. it is not going anywhere. if it is untreated, there is the theory of kindling (which i believe in), that with each untreated episode, the disorder becomes worse, and episodes will be more intense and closer together in time.

i think it is a very, very bad move to be untreated.

some of our cognition problems come from the MI itself, and some come from the meds. i have a thread about this going on in the Alternative Therapies section right now, where i'm being told that. i'm sick of being dumber than a rock too and i need to know how to save my intelligence! lol ;)

you can and will find the med combo for you. it took me years. i'm 28 and i've been on various meds since i was 18, but only in the past 2 years have i become aggressive in trying to find the best drugs for me. now i'm on a combo that is working (i think!). tinkering with it and not being afraid to try new things will help you sort out what will work and what won't. sometimes, a drug won't work in combination with certain others, while it will if you change the others around. meds are strange, and do strange things in our bodies. we only hope to get better and stop our symptoms.

that's just my non-medical, non-expert, also crazy person opinion.


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