I screwed myself

[hollywoodfreaks]

I haven't been aggressive enough about setting up a new treatment team since I moved two months ago, and now it's biting me in the ass. My mood took a kamikaze 180 degree dive a day or two ago. It was so bad today that I had to fake being sick to back out of the temp assignment (I work for a temp agency obviously) I was supposed to start tomorrow. I'm angry because I swore to myself I would never do that. I would be strong and face my responsibilities head on and wouldn't let my MI issues get in the way...etc.

The reason I haven't been aggressive enough about getting new doctors is that sometimes I feel absolutely fine and I think I don't need any help. Well, now I just feel like a moron. I'm unable to function and there's nothing I can do because I don't have a pdoc or tdoc.

[Cetkat]

Perhaps you could contact your old team? Tell them that you haven't been able to see anyone since your move & get them to adjust meds over the phone or give a referral somewhere local.. It's only been two months, they should still think of you as one of their patients.

Try not to be too hard on yourself. Stuff happens. It's better that you know your limits and back out now then to add on the extra pressure of a new work environment. Sometimes you just can't do it all.

I hope you feel better soon.

[hollywoodfreaks]

Thanks, Cetkat. I was really afraid to check this post because I thought people would have no sympathy because I screwed up. Guess my anxiety problems are coming back, too.

You're right, contacting my old docs is a good idea. I've been doing that with my tdoc but she hasn't been responding the past couple times. The psychiatrist I called in town hasn't returned my calls. Even though my mom is bipolar, for some reason she can't handle it when I'm not well and spins it to make it sound better. I feel like I'm repelling people even though I'm pretty calm and rational when expressing how I'm feeling.

I'll try contacting my old pdoc and see what happens.

[hollywoodfreaks]

I am just getting shot down left and right. How can I get better if even medical professionals don't want to help me? (Haven't called pdoc yet, but I have the feeling he won't help me either.) The local pdoc finally called me back but I could tell she was giving me the brushoff. She didn't even offer to schedule an appointment even though she had openings at the end of next month. I also tried getting set up with this consultation clinic but my old GP won't work with them because he can't see me in person.

[Loon-A-TiK]

if that pdoc had openings and didn't ask you if you wanted an appointment, that was your chance to speak up and ask for an appointment! i don't think you're getting the brush off (at least from the new people), i think they are just going through the routine of dealing with a new client. she did mention the appointments- if she didn't want you as a patient, she would have told you that her practice is full. so i think you've got some room in there. just get in as soon as you can, and maybe she can help you find a good tdoc.

if your old team isn't helping you out, then there's not much you can do there. you may have to ride it out until your appointment with your new pdoc. see what you can do in terms of GPs and if you didn't move too far away, consider even driving to see your old GP so s/he can write scripts for what you need. that is so stupid that s/he needs to see you in person. the GP should trust the pdoc's judgement and just refill what you already have. that bites.

but is another obstacle to work around. i'd say get on the horn with that new pdoc lady, and see if you can get in to see her at the earliest possible time. she'll be able to refer you after that.

good luck,

loon

[hollywoodfreaks]

Yeah, but waiting until the end of January to see a new pdoc? Can't I do better than that? I live in a huge urban area.

I just got the feeling she was trying to give me the brushoff. She was like "Sorry I didn't call you back, I was busy with other things. So it sounds like you want somebody soon and I don't have any openings until the end of January at the earliest. It sounds like maybe I'm not the one for you." Wouldn't you get brushoff vibes from that?

Sorry if I sound hostile, I'm not trying to be. Thanks for helping me through this.

[Loon-A-TiK]

you may want to see if your old pdoc and tdoc have any recommendations, and if they could pull any strings to help you. maybe they have friends who work in your city. it's a small world!

if nothing can be done as far as that's concerned, crack open the phone book and start dialing. you'll find someone i'm sure. you just need to get in to see someone asap, and then worry about if you like them. i'd hope that your old and new pdocs could communicate to make sure they're on the same page in regards to your treatment. one could diverge totally from the other!

if it is a large metro area, you should be able to find someone with an opening sooner, or as i said, your old docs should be able to ask for favors, or at least make recommendations.

[scream_phoenix]

don't blame yourself for your MI symptoms coming back. its not your fault, and you should resist any attempt to beat yourself up for it. what's done is done, and you probably did what most people would do in a situation when they felt fine. no sense adding guilt to the mix.

do you have any idea what triggered them coming back? it might help starting from there. i'm not saying that you can clear it all up with self-talk or self-therapy, but if you have some logical explanation to tell yourself of what's driving the nosedive, it might help you get a hold of things better.

as for pdocs, forget the one that gave you the brushoff, just keep looking for somebody good.

[hollywoodfreaks]

Aww, thanks guys. You rock.

So, I think I'ma quit calling for the day, because it's past business hours anyway and I don't want to keep driving myself nuts. But now I know I've still got lots of possibilities.

As far as what triggered it--probably--wait for it--stress! Shocker!!! I was doing this temp assignment last week where I got there at 7:30 every morning (every fucking assignment they give me starts before 8 and I'm the biggest non-morning person ever), then right after that ended I got a nasty stomach flu. Two days later, my mom comes to visit from out of state. Then she leaves and my mood goes down the shitter. Then they call me for another assignment this week and I crack up and back out.

[Cetkat]

Have you managed to get through to anyone today?

You haven't screwed up.. you just dropped the ball a bit. Besides, it sounds like you've had alot to deal with as it is what with moving, new jobs, and getting sick on top of that. That would be hard on anyone.

As for getting an appointment, I'm sure there's something sooner. Some offices have nurse practitioners with better availability - I was able to get in the next day with that. If not, you could always ask that they give you a call if someone cancels. That will work alot of the time. I'm sure you'll work something out.

[hollywoodfreaks]

No, I didn't get through to anyone today. I'm feeling somewhat better today. I left a message with my old pdoc asking if he would do a phone appointment or, if not, be able to give any referrals. I'll keep chipping away at it until I find something.

Yeah, I don't handle stress very well. At all. Or I should say, I don't handle it well when my meds aren't working as well as they should. There's other stuff I can do to reduce stress though. Part of the difficulty for me right now is adjusting from moving to an area of 40K people to an area of 4 million people. I hate urban driving--especially freeway driving. Part of the reason I freaked on the temp job was I would have to take the freeway and I'm not ready for it really. I've been thinking maybe I should just get a normal job so I don't have to worry about that crap as much. Or just try to bus it everywhere. The jobs they give me are boring as hell anyway. Might as well be bored as hell in my own town.

Anyway, I have a question for anyone still reading this. One--would it be a bad idea to take WellB samples in addition to my Lexapro while I'm waiting to get into a doc? I have I bunch of 150mg and some 300. I took them before with Lexapro earlier this year, I couldn't tell if they did anything mood-wise, but they did give me more energy and more motivation to do stuff for a while a least. And they seem to help with my hypersomnia problem. I know doctors don't like self-medication but I'm just wondering if there's any wiggle room there.

[Cetkat]

No, I didn't get through to anyone today. I'm feeling somewhat better today. I left a message with my old pdoc asking if he would do a phone appointment or, if not, be able to give any referrals. I'll keep chipping away at it until I find something.

You sound a bit better too. I'm glad for you.

Anyway, I have a question for anyone still reading this. One--would it be a bad idea to take WellB samples in addition to my Lexapro while I'm waiting to get into a doc? I have I bunch of 150mg and some 300. I took them before with Lexapro earlier this year, I couldn't tell if they did anything mood-wise, but they did give me more energy and more motivation to do stuff for a while a least. And they seem to help with my hypersomnia problem. I know doctors don't like self-medication but I'm just wondering if there's any wiggle room there.

I think you could take them. You've been on both before, so it's more like going back to an old treatment regimen than self-medicating anyway. If it will help you function it would be a good thing to take while waiting for an appointment.

[scream_phoenix]

yeah i don't handle stress at all either. and although i live in a huge metropolitan sprawl, i don't think i'm any more adapted to 'big city' life (heh, phoenix and a big city. that's kind of an oxymoron) freeway driving can definitely raise my stress levels, especially when i think everyone behind me wants to run me off the road. i know you have more experience with your ability to tolerate wellbutrin - but might it raise your stress levels too? if it will give you energy and lift your mood, then maybe its worth it. but if it just makes you more testy, then maybe you should stay away from it. have you ever been on any kind of benzo? librium and tramadol (synthetic painkiller taht my pdoc prescribed) are about the only thing that make phoenix liveable - especially when i'm driving through areas that normally raise my stress levels.

i wouldn't put too much pressure on your shoulders either way. getting in touch with a doc, and figuring out if you need to change your meds should be your first priority. temp work definitely sucks. i stopped in april after my last assignment ended really crappy, and i needed to time to recuperate after having radioactive iodine to kill my thyroid this time last year. i'm still on 'health leave' so to speak. although i'm not sure i really want to go back to the temp work at all. just figure out a way to remain as low stressed as possible. that's becoming my new goal each day. i wish i had some advice for you on how to stay cool and collected on the freeway driving, but that's a puzzle i haven't figured out either. but i wouldn't force yourself through any stress you don't have to feel right now either. choosing between facing the freeway driving to do temp work/ vs. getting a regular job isn't the the most pressing decision you have to make. (and hey it could always be worse, i'm sure there are a lot of cities with worse freeway driving conditions)

[Becca]

I live in a smaller metro area (I think pdx metro is 2 million, maybe?) and I actually prefer the freeway driving and think it's easier/less stresful than street driving. People fucking stop in traffic and throw it in reverse to get into a parking spot that you are next to and you can't back up because there are people behind you and the person in front of you seems determined to wait and I fucking hate that shit. Plus there are all these lanes that you can park in except for during rush hour. So you'll be in a lane and then all of a sudden you notice there's a parked car about 3 blocks ahead of you.

I hate driving in the city. But put me on the freeway and I'm fine. Haha.

I am in a similar situation.... but right now I think I'm in the "sometimes I feel fine" state, so I don't feel a pressing need to find help. The people around me are pressing for it, though.

You should be able to find someone who will see you before the end of January. I hope your old pdoc has some helpful recommendations for you or can do a phone session. Even if you weren't the most pro-active person before, it sounds like you're working towards it now.

Regarding Wellbutrin... why did you stop taking it? How much do you have? Because it would probably be worse to take it for a little while and not be able to see a doctor in time and then have to stop taking it suddenly.

If Wellbutrin worked well for you in the past and you didn't stop taking it for a drastic reason (seizures, major irritability, etc) and you will be seeing a doctor before you run out again (as in you've made an appointment)... I don't think it would be a completely inappropriate move. I don't know if I would do it... because if it didn't work that great and you're thinking you want to get on different meds altogether... it'll just be one more med you have to get yourself off of. So, I don't know how much sense or good it would do. It depends on your situation.

[hollywoodfreaks]

Sorry I didn't write back sooner...I hope those who replied check in again. My fucking power went out for a day (does that make my location obvious enough? lol. I feel bad for the people around here who are still sitting in the dark) and as usual I was afraid to check the responses.

So, my old pdoc called back, and of course he seemed reluctant to adjust my meds over the phone. I feel sorry for myself now. I feel like I won't find help before I have a total nervous breakdown. The truth is that I am probably slowing myself down at least somewhat. I hate the idea of calling random pdocs and facing the possibility that they will be creepy and/or an asshole. I tried going to a new tdoc a while ago who creeped me out and that put me off the search for a while. But I'm going to make some calls today, dammit!

As far as WellB goes--it had no negative effects when I took it, in spite of my anxiety problems. But I wasn't having much anxiety back then, and now I am. So I am a little afraid of trying it for that reason alone. Getting off it should be easy. I got off it in like 2 days last time.

Cetkat--thanks for caring.

Scream_phoenix, yeah I have a bottle of Xanax, but I don't know how to take it on a regular basis without getting hooked and having to wean off. I doubt my anxiety problems are bad enough to warrant taking Xanax full time. Exercise and relaxation exercises seem to help. I actually don't mind temp work that much when I'm feeling well. It's boring as all get out but it's also flexible and gives me freedom to sync up my time off with my husband's or whatever else I want/need to do. I know that a regular job would be better for my mental health at least in the short term and probably more interesting too. But I'm not in the right state to be looking for a job.

It sucks that you haven't liked temping. (I'm guessing you were hyperthyroid?) If you're anything like me the lowest stress option would be a part time job with hours that don't go against your body clock. So if you're a night owl (like me) don't get a job that starts at 7:30am (like all my temp jobs do). As far as the freeway goes, I find that shouldering the responsibility for half of the driving helps. Then someone can be with you helping you not crash into other people (which I've already done since I've been here--haha).

Becca, interesting perspective on the driving. Then again, I've been to pdx several times before (basically ALL of my husband's friends moved to Hipster Haven USA after college--and I'm not mocking hipsters because I kind of am one, lol) and the driving does seem a little weird in the city. Isn't it frustrating when you think you're doing fine, and then you feel dumpy again? It's like pick a mood so I know what to do, dammit!

[Cetkat]

Sorry I didn't write back sooner...I hope those who replied check in again. My fucking power went out for a day (does that make my location obvious enough? lol. I feel bad for the people around here who are still sitting in the dark) and as usual I was afraid to check the responses.

Cetkat--thanks for caring.

No problem.. I like being there for others. As probably alot of people here do. I understand the wariness to see what everyone has said - the uncertainty of it. But we're really here for support and help - I haven't seen many responses that go against that. Even the ones that are hard to hear come from good intentions.

So, my old pdoc called back, and of course he seemed reluctant to adjust my meds over the phone. I feel sorry for myself now. I feel like I won't find help before I have a total nervous breakdown. The truth is that I am probably slowing myself down at least somewhat. I hate the idea of calling random pdocs and facing the possibility that they will be creepy and/or an asshole. I tried going to a new tdoc a while ago who creeped me out and that put me off the search for a while. But I'm going to make some calls today, dammit!

He was reluctant, but not unwilling? Sounds like there's some room there, especially if you can't get anywhere soon enough & mention your pending breakdown. Even if it's just something to hold you over for a week or two. It still sounds like a possibility if you work it right..

I'm glad you're still able to make the calls. Don't give up! And if it does get too hard, perhaps someone else could help with it.. a friend. I've had to get my roommate to make some calls in my name before - all they need is your name to set something up - or at least get information on availability. Perhaps you could work with someone to get though the list faster?

As far as WellB goes--it had no negative effects when I took it, in spite of my anxiety problems. But I wasn't having much anxiety back then, and now I am. So I am a little afraid of trying it for that reason alone. Getting off it should be easy. I got off it in like 2 days last time.

Yeah I have a bottle of Xanax, but I don't know how to take it on a regular basis without getting hooked and having to wean off. I doubt my anxiety problems are bad enough to warrant taking Xanax full time.

Sounds like you answered your own problem. No negative effects going on or off the WB, you worry about the possibility of anxiety, but you do have the Xanax. You don't want to get hooked of course; however, you could take the WB and stay on the lookout for any anxiety... Then if you don't get it, you're good. If the anxiety does appear, you could stop the WB and have the Xanax to take care of the anxiety.. just until it's out of your system. I can't find the amount of time it takes to clear out, but in my experiences with it - it doesn't take too long, so your 2 days seems like a very probable amount of time. Certainly soon enough to avoid any Xanax addiction I would think.

What do you think?

[scream_phoenix]

Scream_phoenix, yeah I have a bottle of Xanax, but I don't know how to take it on a regular basis without getting hooked and having to wean off. I doubt my anxiety problems are bad enough to warrant taking Xanax full time. Exercise and relaxation exercises seem to help. I actually don't mind temp work that much when I'm feeling well. It's boring as all get out but it's also flexible and gives me freedom to sync up my time off with my husband's or whatever else I want/need to do. I know that a regular job would be better for my mental health at least in the short term and probably more interesting too. But I'm not in the right state to be looking for a job.

It sucks that you haven't liked temping. (I'm guessing you were hyperthyroid?) If you're anything like me the lowest stress option would be a part time job with hours that don't go against your body clock. So if you're a night owl (like me) don't get a job that starts at 7:30am (like all my temp jobs do). As far as the freeway goes, I find that shouldering the responsibility for half of the driving helps. Then someone can be with you helping you not crash into other people (which I've already done since I've been here--haha).

it sounds like you've got some good techniques for relaxation, and the xanax probably isn't there to replace those. but i've often fallen into the trap of trying to power through my anxiety and stress, when just taking a very low dose of benzo would have made my life a whole lot easier. though, there's always the chance of the benzo making you more depressed, but i haven't had that problem with xanax. i guess i'm just saying i wouldn't be deathly afraid of using it, since it is there to help you. i wish i could learn some good relaxation techniques like you.

i actually didn't mind the temping when i did it, provided the assignments were short and weren't in the most god awful depressing corners of industrial parks with petty vindictive office managers trying to teach you a lesson about punctuality like a school childs' visit to the principal office (my last assignment back in april). but outside of that and another one, i actually liked doing boring filing jobs and such, and it certainly sent my mood higher for a bit having the stress of not making any money lifted for awhile, and actually having some structure to my day. i just haven't gone back to it since i've been hypothyroid though, because i don't feel like i have the energy anymore to power through the day and not get bogged down and depressed. when i had my own head of steam carrying me through the days, i probably would have put up with just about anything - but i think i've just had too much time to acquire doubt and depression since then, and now i just worry that i couldn't do anything for a full day. plus not being on any AD for any considerable length of time since sep. of '05 certainly hasn't helped things either. but one thing at a time i guess. i at least am gonna force myself on some ssri.

NEways, not my thread. sorry for the detour. good luck finding a good pdoc. that can sometimes be some work, but don't psych yourself out either (oh gawd, i guess that's an unintentional pun) just go into each prospective appointment expecting the best, and having your mental illness historyreadily able to relate to them.

[hollywoodfreaks]

Yay more replies! So...I got an appointment with a regular family practice doc (who was recommended by one of my husband's coworkers) on Thursday. Should I allow him to tweak/overhaul my meds if I like him? Sorry for asking what to do again. I am not that badly depressed but my decision making abilities still suck. I even have trouble deciding what to eat for breakfast. What to force myself to eat I should say because my appetite is diminishing.

As far as my ex-pdoc goes...if I get desperate I will call again, but he said he doesn't like to do clinical appointments over the phone. I'm guessing he wants to see my "affect" or whatever. I'll probably start the Wellbutrin if the family doctor doesn't want to mess with the meds himself. I'm not afraid to hit the Xanax, but I admit I am loathe to use it when I have non-medicinal ways that I know will probably help me if I would just get off my ass and use them.

Have you checked out The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook, scream_phoenix? That's where found some stuff that helped. The most helpful for me are the breathing exercises and "identifying and expressing your feelings." Being hypothyroid sounds rough. I thought I was hypothyroid last year (my TSH came back high once) and researching it certainly opened my eyes to how disabiling it can be and how linked it can be to mental illness. Good luck getting things worked out.

[Catnapper]

Sorry you're feeling badly, and the others here are right, there's no point in beating yourself up over it. Shit happens and mental illness is a pain in the ass no matter how you look at it. I hate finding new docs, and I also need to myself and have been putting it off to the point of having to go the urgent care place to get a temporary refill of my meds while I find a new doc. The last one closed their practice.

Glad to hear you got an appointment for Thursday, and yes, I would definitely let the new g-doc adjust my meds. I would also see if they could pull some strings to get you into a pdoc soon; I'd do that even if I wasn't crazy about the GP.

Depending on what happens tomorrow, I'd also probably re-start the Wellbutrin if the doc doesn't come up with anything better. Maybe the doc will prescribe some more WB since you've been on it before with no adverse effects.

Well, no matter how it goes, we're all rooting for you. Keep us posted!

[hollywoodfreaks]

Went to gdoc. Recommended restarting Wellbutrin. Gave referrals. Was nice. Glad. I wish I felt like calling docs. Must...do...at least 1. Wonder if I am making all this shit up in my head. Temp agency not giving me enough work to keep me busy but looking for more work sounds scary. Trying to book a mini-vacation at a resort/spa (nothing extravagant, and in my state) for after Christmas. Don't feel like I deserve it because vacations are for people who work regular full-time jobs. I sit on my ass too much to deserve a vacation.

[scream_phoenix]

Have you checked out The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook, scream_phoenix? That's where found some stuff that helped. The most helpful for me are the breathing exercises and "identifying and expressing your feelings." Being hypothyroid sounds rough. I thought I was hypothyroid last year (my TSH came back high once) and researching it certainly opened my eyes to how disabiling it can be and how linked it can be to mental illness. Good luck getting things worked out.

whose that one by? Randolph Bourne? i think my doctor gave me a print-out of that, and a book for depression but i haven't looked for them in the bookstore. maybe that's a good place to start though. i've been looking through David Burns books "Feeling Good" and "Panic Attacks", because that was my new therapists first suggestion, but it doesn't seem like he has a lot of good strategies for dealing with anxiety - other than the cognitive approaches - which may help me in the future if i get around to reading them all and and understanding them, but in the mean time i need some more immediate strategies.

don't cheat yourself out of a vacation if it will help you. just dealing with a MI day in and day out can tax you more than regular work can. i definitely feel like i would improve if i just had a few days away from my usual stress and depression, so if its offered to you, take it. it may help you sort out the things that have been driving your mood down and making you feel stressed this past couple of weeks.

[Catnapper]

Glad the gdoc visit turned out o.k. I hope restarting the WB will lift up your mood some, and I hope one of the referrals is to your liking.

If you can get away for a few days, by all means do so! Vacations aren't just for people who work full time. Sometimes it's nice (and necessary) just to get a change of scene.

Easier said than done, but try not to be so hard on yourself - you've been through alot lately with moving and getting settled into a totally new place. Beating yourself up is just a downward spiral - I'm an expert at it myself and feel best on the days when I can focus on the future, not all the shit I fucked up in the past.

[hollywoodfreaks]

The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook is by Edmund Bourne, I think. It's long, but he recommends that you do the relaxation exercises and a physical exercise program before you even start the cognitive stuff. I like the book because it gives a lot of different angles from which to attack anxiety. He wants you to go through the chapters in order but I don't have the patience for that. I just pick and choose whatever I think I need. I should also add that this workbook is helpful for depression, too.

We got the vacation thing figured out. Now we need to figure out what to do with our poor kitty...pet sitter would be best but how do I hire one so fast while making sure they aren't criminals?

[Catnapper]

As for the petsitter - why not call a couple of vets and get recommendations? I know it's tough to start over in new city, having done it several times myself. Glad to hear you're going to take a little vacation, good for you!