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I thought it would be interesting if everyone here who has bipolar disorder expressed and explained their feelings in detail (or at least tried to), both when on a depressive episode and on a manic.

I know this is extremely difficult to do, but reading an excellent description of the feelings one feels in an old revision of the article in wikipedia about bipolar disorder made me think if you guys could make better descriptions!

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I'm sort of hesitant to answer this.

Maybe if you could ask specific questions, share your own feelings and experiences and explain a little about why you want people to share, I might be a little more likely to.

I don't know about anyone else, but some of the things that I do and feel and think during episodes are still sort of private in a way, even though I've obviously displayed them to people I know. So to have someone ask to describe it all and then have a link to a wiki article seems a bit... odd. To me.

Anywho...

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** may be triggering to those with Self Injurous behavior*

Depressive episodes slam into me head on - Whatever I'm doing is no longer any good to do, I lose interest in everything, the world seems to slow down and get grayer and greyer by the minute. Things that would have smelled good no longer smell all that great any more, things that taste good don't taste well any more. Bad coping strategies start. I recognize what is happening and usually I cannot get an appointment with my pdoc until the next week. I start eating chocolate and ice cream in hopes of consuming enough of the endorphins to boost my mood, even a tiny bit. I keep doing that and sleep. I listen to music a lot and sleep a lot, ranging between fifteen and twenty hours a day. I cannot go do anything. I cannot go to class or even work on my homework away from class. I am truly disabled by the depression. If it continues for a long time I eventually start cutting with razors, all over my legs in deep gashes. The last time I did that I was hospitalized.

In a manic, they don't last as long as the depressive states in order to really have such a huge effect, but my last manic was in June and I'm still feeling the repercussions (paying off the credit cards) of it. I start thinking really fast, and everything else seems to go incredibly fast. I can do a million things at once. Either I try to do everything or I'll clean everything, or I'll start one and not finish. I drive my car dangerously fast (70mph at one instant in a 25mph zone), get closer to attempting suicide than when I'm depressive because I'm doing dangerous things. Stopping one drug, taking another, using illegal substances, drinking alcohol, having a lot of sexual encounters (if even with the same person). I feel like a superhero and nothing can stop me. Occasionally I've realized what's happening and had used self injury to make an attempt at bringing my mood down. I refuse to talk with anyone about what's going on, because I think I'm fine. I'm also mad at anyone who disagrees with me even a little. Just the smallest thing can spark an argument. Lots of yelling (I hate yelling, it's so disgusting, but when manic I'll do it). I want to save every tree, animal, and person in a bad situation, and so I'm on the phone with Animal Control and Department of Human Services like whoah.

...there's what I can give you. Not feeling well today so I can't go into too much detail.

edit:

In your sig, you say your suspecting BP2, with ultraradian cycling. If this is the case, you really need to seek treatment. You can learn all you want about Bipolar after you've started treatment, because you can apply what you learn. A lot of other disorders can be mistaken as bipolar (sometimes you can be mis-dx'ed as bipolar when you're a borderline and all that. If you want more info on bipolar, browse the resources thread. I personally loved the survival guide, because it gave examples. Anyway, if you don't have insurance you can get ahold of your local Community Mental Health to get info on what services are available to you. Bipolar isn't something to play with - without treatment you can get into serious trouble, be jailed, or accidently or non accidently kill yourslef. Death isn't cool. Everyone's important in the world. So go get some help from a tdoc, pdoc or even a regular physician (who can give you a referral to someone). <3

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What causes you to think it is extremely difficult to do? I ask because I've seen many good descriptions on these boards, and I was wondering if maybe you were having difficulty yourself? If you want to talk a little more about your experiences maybe we can help.

I'm also asking because your post made me wonder if you were maybe saying that our descriptions weren't good enough and we ought to be doing better. If you didn't mean to suggest that, you might want to clarify because some people might be annoyed.

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