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Unhealthiest family in the western hemisphere?


devon00

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Hi devon,

I wish I had some answers for you. But I have always thought that identifying the problem itself is the hardest part. Looks like you have it figured out. Now what? Hummmmmmm

What would put you in an evironment where you COULD see healthy people interact? A place you could volunteer? A club you could join? Time for some brain storming.....Come on folks...let get devon some ideas!

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I don't have the "plan" for you, but I have worked in schools with children who come from very unhealthy homes who know only crazy dynamics.  The best way for them to either unlearn them or to learn alternative avenues is to model new, appropriate, and fantastic ways to be in healthy relationships. 

Get out.  Find somewhere you can go away from the family.  Wifezilla was on the money with the clubs, volunteering stuff.  What about community centers, church groups (if you're into that), support groups for mental health (most of them are for free if you look on the internet), pick a hobby, new or old, and join a once a week group.  Some community counseling centers offer therapy on a sliding scale (mine does  ;) ) and you can go for really cheap.

Your life is not doomed to failure.  Period.  Get that crap out of your head immediately.  Past is past.  I know that is so simple to say in theory, and in practice much more difficult, but its the truth.

Here is something I recently said to a very shy teenager who is starting high school in the fall and wants to make new friends and be more outgoing.  Hey, nobody knows you, you can be whoever you want.  They don't know your past, who you were before, how you acted, and anything about you.  Be who you want to be, be who is inside of you, who maybe you were afraid of being before.  She comes from a situation eerily similar to yours, Devon, and seems to react in similar ways.

I responded so vehemently to your post, because I understand the feelings of hopelessness and loneliness that are apparent in your post.  You seem to want to get out there, but are afraid of being bound by your past.  You hate the past.  It makes you unhappy and guilty.  You can still love your mother and take care of yourself.  You can't take adequate care of anything if you can't take care of yourself first.  I hope I am not being overbearing and obnoxious as I often come off as, but I want you to be ok.

Thinking of you,

JBella

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I too, do not wish to sound overbearing. Your post has a few info gaps in it that force me to make assumptions. "Consider the source..." Jerrod

It sounds like your brother and sister are dealing with the problem by avoiding it. You have tried to get help from them, since that did not work you must  think of your life first because it is difficult to help your mother if you have boundry issues with your mom.

I would suggest that you remove yourself from the stressors and work at creating the real you, one that you are happy with. Just temporarily forget your past and concentrate on the future. What do you like to do? What are you good at? Where would you like to live? Do you need more education?

Once you are established then you can return to visit the issues with your mom under your terms.

Do you think this would work for you?

Mark

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My mom ignores all of my boundaries and dispenses unhelpful advice.  She is crazy.  She is a broken record and repeats the same (negative) thoughts all of the time.  She really messes up everyone around her.  Mother Teresa would be frustrated dealing with her.

The thing is that she can't help it, because she's an unhealthy person.  Deep down she is a good person, but she is intolerable to be around.

Our moms were obviously separated at birth.  I feel so sorry for you!

The only way I can "deal" is to tune out, and when I tune out, I start to feel really depressed.  I feel guilty for feeling this way and for putting space between us, but I have to.  Whenever I try to confront her, it's a big fight and she becomes very defensive, even if I do it in a positive way.

Ditto.  Ditto.  Ditto. 

I am so used to having my boundaries abused that I don't trust other people and don't get all that much from hanging out with them.  I certainly have never seen healthy relationships modeled.  The way I deal is usually just to be withdrawn and not interact much with others as a protective mechanism.

Me too.  I have megalithic trust issues and no matter how badly I want to connect with others, I just can't.  It's like being sealed in a protective bubble you've designed and engineered for your benefit, that also acts as your prison. 

Instead of pulling out your hair, screaming, throwing things, etc., the next time mom grates on your nerves, feel free to PM me.  Of course I know you've got trust issues, so I realize how difficult that would be.  It's just a crazy old world, isn't it? 

:::Empathetic Hugs:::

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  • 3 weeks later...

Hi devon,

I wish I had some answers for you. But I have always thought that identifying the problem itself is the hardest part. Looks like you have it figured out. Now what? Hummmmmmm

What would put you in an evironment where you COULD see healthy people interact? A place you could volunteer? A club you could join? Time for some brain storming.....Come on folks...let get devon some ideas!

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

HI Devon-

I think wifezilla is on the right track. I hope this doesn't sound preachy or anything, 'cos I'm really not trying to be. I come from an extremely dysfunctional family of alcoholics. My parents are slowly killing themselves with alcohol and tobacco. My dad has MS. They are terribly unhappy and drink themselves to sleep every night. I have tried for years to "fix" it. I figured that if I told them in the right way, did the right things and was the right child, I would make it better. Somehow, I never seemed to be good enough. And talk about guilt! All day long, every day, 24-7-365.

I have spent a lot of time with therapists and in 12 step meetings. And it has helped. A LOT. I have spent a good part of 18 years dealing with it. And I have made a tentative peace with it. I can't change them or make them happy. Only they can do that. Sounds so simple, doesn't it? Yea right.

I only relay the story to tell you that you are not alone. What you wrote sounds soooo familiar. What worked for me? 12-step groups really helped me. Sounds like you might try CoDA (Co-Dependants Anonymous). It's scary to go the first time, but everyone there is in the same boat. A sliding-scale therapist may be a good idea. And meds can help too.

You aren't doomed to repeat the past if you are willing to deal with it. It sucks donkey dongs, but I would say it's worth it. you can't fix your mom, but you can fix you. Trust yourself - you know what you need. If one thing doesn't feel right, try something else.

may the force be with you, young Jedi. ;)

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It sounds like my mother! Try to tell people that. She shows them this nice sweet person.

Really, in my thirties I started to see my mom differently. Up until then I thought we were one of a kind. But having my own kids and a husband gave me a new point of view. Things in my past, things that I stuck up for her, now just seemed wrong.

Anyways, instead of making excuses for her, and Oh MY God!,disagreeing with her, her true self emmerged. She stopped hidding her true self or maybe she just couldn't hide it anymore.

She would have me going into deep depression just saying the meanest things. I think she takes quite a bit of pleasure hurting me and others; under the guise of seeming helpful. She also feels the need to punish people. She of course denise this. Apparently, its all in my head!

I know she is MI. She was put on "Nerve Pills" as long back as I can remember. She even use to give them to me(early teens) when SHE thought I needed them.

My doctor thinks they were Valium or something similar. I don't even know if she still takes them of not. I'd have to guess yes. Although, I don't know what doctor would still provide her with them.

To cope? I can't change my Mom. I can't make her happy. I have a responcability to be sane for my kids, husband, and for MYSELF. Sometimes you just have to stand back and see where the chips fall. I haven't seen my Mom or my step-dad since Christmas 2004 (her choise), and it was myself and family that went to visit them. We live an hour away. The guilt crops up quite a bit, but I just Pray to God to look after her, 'cause I can't. Not Hating her I feel, is the key to healing,also.

My sister has clinical depression(like me) plus OCD, and ADD. She hates Our Mom with a passion. She only sees the bad thing about her and I see it eating her up. When ready she will have her own time, a place for healing and Forgiveness(not hating).

It's still hard. The guilt, the wishing. For now this is the way it is and I have hope that someday things will be different.

So nice to finally meet people that have the same type of Mom.

Also, you are not doomed to have a failed life. You are not alone. Sometimes this site is all that can help me feel better. Your post has even helped me more, 'cause we are not alone!

    Take care, debster ;)

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I explain how I feel to my Mom, and she just does not get it. No matter what I say or do in this dream, I'm wrong, and crazy. I wake up feeling frustrated, angary, and guilty.

       

I think my subconsious is telling she will never change or try to understand. That is so upsetting.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

The situation with your Mom and family affecting your being able to be social, I know it well.

Just a thought here and please do not take offense. Some theories of dream interpretation say that everyone in your dream is really yourself or a part of yourself. Have you really forgiven yourself for feeling guilty about your illness. You did not do anything to cause your illness. Also, sometimes forgiving people for the wrongs they have done to us includes allowing us to forgive ourselves. Forgiveness does more to help us than it does to those who need to be forgiven for their past behavior.

Erika

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----I can't figure out this quote thing...ahhhhh! I'll do Erika's quote in **ErikaQuote** I'll go practise in the testing...(sighs)

**ErikaQuote**,Aug 4 2005, 10:09 AM]

        The situation with your Mom and family affecting your being able to be social, I know it well.**end**

I do have that problem, but I have no idea how to change that! I have tried and tried to make friends and just reasently decided not to try anymore. See where that gets me? Probable nowhere. I just try not to think about it.

**ErikaQuote**Just a thought here and please do not take offense. Some theories of dream interpretation say that everyone in your dream is really yourself or a part of yourself. Have you really forgiven yourself for feeling guilty about your illness. You did not do anything to cause your illness. Also, sometimes forgiving people for the wrongs they have done to us includes allowing us to forgive ourselves. Forgiveness does more to help us than it does to those who need to be forgiven for their past behavior.**end**

    No offence, of course. I'm here to hear and learn! You have given me something to look at, and think about! Thank you!......"think, think, think" (sighs)....Feeling guilty for my illness, Yes, now that I think about. Does not help when people around me think I can just think positive and it will go away. I just tried for a year and a half Cognitive therapy(book) and it was like a cartoon; the cartoon is trying to keep the Damn from breaking by plugging the springing leaks with their body parts. Funny in a cartoon, not funny in life! My Damn, damn well broke!

Forgive myself?....Gosh...There's a thought. I guess once I figure it out that it's not my fault, this pissy depression, I might definately feel better. I will have to do some serious pondering!

One other thing, I don't think it is related(it bugs me), but a buddy of my husbands just found out he has cancer. His wife just told everbody, no second guessing, and asked for support. I wish I could do that....Hey, everybody Deb's got a mental illness!...Hey?...Wait!....WTF?....where'd everybody go?.....

Well thank's Erika! I never realised all that. I'll ponder it all seriously and see if I actually can forgive myself! I'll let you know. ;)

                                      the deb-deb-debster :) (ilovethissmiliedude)

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