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First off, just let me say this: I really *lub* my dr and won't change, so I don't want that kind of advice.

I have a history of SEVERE depressions. Last one in 2001. I have had mild to moderate since, and my dr of 1.5 years has seen me that way, but nothin' like how I CAN get.

He's been treating me for BP II since Sept, so he took me off my antidepressant and put me on Tegretol.

I was a little concerned about it, but I trusted him, so just went with it...

In Nov I started getting more depressed, and at my request he put me on WB. Now I am really REALLY depressed...no energy, staring at the wall, can barely get my dd to and from school, sleeping and eating all wacked, not wanting to shower or get dressed. My kids' diet is mac and cheese lately. My dh is working eves and not home to help me. I have suic thoughts (but am safe).

I have always leaned towards NOT taking meds, and even give back my Rx to him if I don't fill them. He even had to convince me to start taking my anxiety meds awhile back. So I'm not a med-seeker or anything.

Anyways, he always says to call if I need anything. Which I hate to do...I don't want to 'bother' him.

But I did b/c this depression is SO bad that if it doesn't lighten up, it will be a disaster for my family financially.

So today I called and asked for an increase in my WB. I didn't think that was a big deal. And I told him that my depression was getting a lot worse. And he was totally reluctant to do it! WTF?

He thinks it is b/c I am in therapy every week now, which is dredging up crap from my past. Which is true. But if I don't deal with this depression NOW, getting my ass off the couch to GO to therapy will not be happening.

He filled the Rx, but now I feel even worse. Like I'm this terribly demanding pt or something. Am I? Or is it just my 'off' thinking from my depression causing me to feel like I'm just a burden to everybody right now?

TIA

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you've got to be there for yourself before you can be there for anyone else. to be a good parent and wife, you need to be well. you need to focus on that with the energy you do have.

don't be afraid to approach your treatment team. they're paid to help you. that's why they're there. you're not bothering them, because they're only doing their job. my customers at work don't bother me, i know that serving them is my job.

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Hi, Loon.

I think the worst part of all this is that I was really starting to feel better for a few weeks. I was dealing with that mixed state *evilness* for so long...that to finally get a break from it...was so much better. Which still felt crappy, but ANYTHING is better than living in THAT hell.

So this depression just kinda blindsided me. I pretty much sensed it coming, but at the same time...I forgot how paralyzing it can be. And the negative self-talk that goes with it. Like how crappy of a parent/wife/friend I am...how difficult of a patient I am...(etc etc)

And you are right, Loon. I know they are there to help, but sometimes it just doesn't seem that way when you are in the middle of it all. Sometimes it feels like they are NOT on my side.

Anyway, since I last posted, I talked to my tdoc and he was very reassuring about how I'm feeling. He isn't a big advocate of meds, but he said that I know my body better than anyone else and I can't ignore that. And I just felt listened to. It was very cool.

AND I managed to drag my ass into the shower. Well...OK...dd had me wet enough from HER shower I figured I might as well get in. So she gets the credit for that one, but it did give me a little more energy.

Thank you, Loon. *wink*

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