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The Holidays

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I am so stressed out by the holidays it's making me a little manic. My husband gave me the money for Christmas on the 30th of Nov and I have blown trough it so fast I needed to get more. Now I want more for botox and we are going to Vegas for New years and I am going on a shopping spree.

I have food to make because my mother is coming over and I am going to my cousins swanky party and have to bring my "famous" Kahlua cake.

I got everything shipped Thank God!

I am going absolutely CRAZY and I'm not kidding. The pressure is too much. I feel such a weight on my shoulders.

My 14 yo Daughter wants pills to make her boobs grow and I'm telling her she's beautiful but she bugs me 20 times a day. SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!

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You have my sympathy. I was doing great last year: moods stable, in control, organised Christmas for the first time in years, everything planned and done by the first week in December, on a roll, everything went well, mood started to lift, everything a success, mood rising...

Can you spell breakthrough mania? Fortunately I had a pdoc appt 1st week of Jan, and he put me on antipsychotics.

Now this year: Christmas rushing up on us, me getting stressed at the memory of losing it last year and to add to the fun, I have a job interview Thursday and it looks like I may have to take my present employer to court over $1000's of unpaid bonus.

Why can't it all just go away?

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You are right Karuna it is ironic so I went and bought her the pills just now.

I wish it would hurry up and be over unregistered.

AM, my Pdoc never calls back so there is no point in calling but I do have some extra Klonopin I should use to slow me down.

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I'll chime in on that- you need to see your pdoc ASAP!

also, breast growth pills don't work. i've never heard one person say that they actually work. every doctor i've asked on the subject has said it is a scam. why does your teenager need bigger breasts anyway? breasts aren't who you are! i know there is that teen thing about fitting in, but a lot of teen girls aren't mature yet. physical maturation is a process and it happens more quickly for some than for others. she should chill on it. you should send the pills back, unopened, and get a refund. they don't work and she needs to get her self-esteem from some place else. self-esteem isn't in a bottle or a bra.

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The doc has no appts til after the new year when I get back from Vegas.

This post was mainly about the stress of the holidays.

I bought the boob pills for my daughter so she would shut up. I'm in no condition to be badgered like that. I know they don't work and I told her that. I also told her that the size of her boobs has no relation to the kind of person that she is. I'm doing my best at parenting but I am mentally ill. It was only 30 bucks for some peace.

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God, I hate this time of year--I think someone who is totally sane and stable can go completely nut job just because its December. Its the annual"You are going to be crazy as a loon by the 25th no matter what you do" season.

I have no money this year, and for the first time, can't be with my kids, which causes me to completely fall apart about 20 times a day. I just can't really figure out how to get thru this.

One year, right after my daugher's divorce, we all decided to have C'mas at my house, and just pretend it was all fine. Like ignoring the elephant in the living room. That was the year I learned that Klonopin, Zoloft, and Bloody Marys can cause you to lose entire days. I had passedout by 10 AM C'mas morning--and we had loads of friends there. It was a complete screaming nightmare--the day the kids left, we had this huge blow-out, I spent 2 hours hiding in the woods inmy pj's crying piteously. Daughter left for home, and refused to take her brother--then came back for him 2 hours later. On and on--

We didn't even take a single picture that year (an oddity for us for sure)

This year, justme and DH--about 5 gifts total to open, a few good stuff in our sox, no place to go, nothing to do, no one to visit. We are calling the kids and putting the phone on speaker and try to do this electronically--which I think is a lousy substitute. I am just as sad as if someone had died--and I can't get over it.

I have had a few manic moments, decorated everything around our house that didn't move, sent flowers I couldn't afford to duaghter's house, to be on her table, played very merry at DH's office party, but then comes the realization about C'mas itself and wham--I am so far down it looks like up. Then, off I go to spend money I don't have on scrubs at the Goodwill for a job I haven't even officially gotten yet. Then I am driking too much wine, and taking clonopin and feeling incredibly sorry for myself. Managed not to cut my hair--but came close. And didn't buy new clothes for party--but was so tempted. Then cried the whole next day. Wander around Wal-greens buying stupid stuff for C'mas I don't need and can't afford--then come home and cry cause there is no one to appreciate my fab decorations but me and DH, who doesn't give a shit.

I am seeing a talk therapist, in addition to pdoc--but she is not working out, mainly wants to chat and tell me we just havne't met enough friends here yet. That is not the fucking issue, bitch.

When is al this shit gonna be over? When can I pack up this cheery red and green garbage and just make it go away? And why am I not getting any presents? Did I piss off Santa, too? I always get so much stuff from my kids--and even DH has gotten better at gifts--and this year, there is nothing. I am so selfish, I want stuff to open--and I wanted to buy special stuff that I could watch my kids open and be so happy I got just the right thing--I love giving presents.

This isn't fair--this is the worst thing ever--what did I do to deserve this? I cant stand this another 5 minutes, let alone another fucking week.

china the cycling, crying idiot

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Hon boob pills for a teenager? That's a little worrisome. Why don't you give the doc a call? I was flat chested all the way into my 20's. Then nature checked in and boy did it check in. I don't even know what's going to happen when I get pregnant. You don't want your daughter having breast reduction surgery before she's 30 if those things actually work.

call the doc hon. and take away those pills.


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China I feel your pain. I am locked in my room right now with a beer while the entitled brats are running around fighting and hurting each other. I can totally relate to the tacky red and green shit all over my house. I have a life sized Santa stting in my living room.

Lets all forget about the boob thing. She can take the pills see that they don't work and that will be the end of it. I'll get my botox it will work and I'll be happy for a day.

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Next year,I swear, I am just going to pack a few things and take my dog and go beach camp in some remote tropical island...hang the bloody holidays. Oh...my love bunny bf can come to as long as he doesn't mention Christmas

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I got my botox today and a laser to remove some brown spots. I am HAPPY!! It felt so good to SPEND the money I am wondering if I am a little manic with all the cash I've been blowing though every day.

I have an appt on the 8th of Jan with the Pdoc but I'm going to the jewelry store tomorrow to pick out my christmas present.

I do feel sort of guilty but the urge to spend spend spend is out of control! I am a little worried about my New years trip to Vegas SIN CITY!!!

Is Klonopin my answer to slow me down? That's all I really have in reserve.

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I hate my fucking family.

I hate dealing with death around the holidays.

Two fucking years in a row I have to fucking save xmas because of people fucking dying on me.

I'm tired of it. I fucking sick of it. I'm sick of lawyers and cops and police reports and lawsuits and money being tied up and supporting two kids that aren't mine with my 401k and trying to make sense out of the unfuckingbelievable all while trying to make sure that I don't fuck up the holidays for the kids because they lost a giant fucking chunk of their family too.

And it all fucking sucks.

And I'm fucking depressed as fuck.

And I don't want to get out of bed

but I fucking have to.

I'd fucking off myself, but then who would take care of these kids.

Who would take care of everything that everyone else fucking dumps on me.

fuck all of this shit.

fuck the holidays.

fuck santa.

fuck his fucking reindeer.

fuck trees

fuck cats that try to murder fucking trees

fuck all this fucking shit.

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After my debacle last nite--taking all the pills I could find, drinking 3 very stiff bloody marys and smoking 2 joints, then eating like a crazed person, and passing out--I think its time for the "c'mas cheer" to be gone from my house. Like--really gone, packed up, put away, I am doing that tomorrow--when hubby starts the vacation that waas supposed to be in Memphis, and then, in lieu of that, was going to be just him and me, riding around seeing some neat things in Fla, like the manatees, etc. That apparently is not going to happen--might intervere with his computer or disc golf time. So much for "couple time"

So--tmorrow, back in the boxes it all goes. I ttried, I really did, but I am a screaming idiot right now and it only going to get worse. I have to do something, or I will kill someone or something.

Jesus, I did not know a human being could hurt this bad and still live. They will all be there tomorrow, and I won't and I cannot do anything about it, except want to die from the pain.

This whole holiday thing sux. Solstice--I did that tonite, or tired to,with DH, who spent about 2 seconds glancing at the canfle display and saying, "are you thru yet?"

Its over--I;m done.

china the grinch

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I just got my period (which explains last nights anxiety). Great. The last four years or so I've had my period on christmas. IT SUCKS.

My mom is going through Efexor withdrawal and she is an emotional wreck. This morning she had a nervous breakdown because my dad coughed while she was on the phone.

The whoooole family is coming over on christmas eve and day. They will all get too drunk, especially my dad. Can you say chaos?

I'm scared this year will be like the last one, where I crashed badly on christmas and basically didn't pull myself out of the deep depression until May.

Gahhhh! I usually love christmas.

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