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Help, I am dying here and want to disappear


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Please just let this end.

ADs not working and I have tried everyting

Since '96 I have been on: Prozac, Paxil, Serzone, Trazadone, Lithium, Effexor, Cymbalta, Celexa, Wellbutrin, Busbar, Lexapro, Klonopin, Remeron, Zoloft, Ambien, Temazapam.

My pdoc has talked about using an MAO inhibitor, but I am unsure about that one.

My GF, who I adore, has Lupus and had several minor strokes. I can not leave her but I can't stay this way.

I've got enough meds to OD.

Please just let this end.

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Don't give up. There is more to try. What about the trycylics, combos, or ECT? Have you given the AD's adequate time to work at maximum dosages? I take it you have. Discard your old meds right NOW! Keeping them does not help you in any way. There are more CB people who will have advice for you. Stick around. Keep safe. It is not your time to go. Keep trying. One day at a time. Moment by moment. A MAOI could be the answer.

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I am AD resistant as all hell. But there are mixes that can help. Don't give up now. You are brave and strong to have made it this far. toss those drugs down the potty. Taking care of a very ill person is exhausting and emotionally draining. Being depressed in this situation is NORMAL. I took care of my Grandma when she was dying of stomach cancer. It is not fun. Give some other things a try. The MAO inhibitor may help. I'm trying different things too and that may help. I wish that I knew you better, I don't want you to feel that depression is something that I take lightly. . Yoga, good long walks and exerciose release natural endorphins that give you a little boost. Are you in therepy? You might want to check out whats available in your area. Just having someone to talk to can help.

Please stay with us. You have come too far to give up now. and there are still things for you to try. Have you had your thyroid checked? I found out that some of my depression was due to a failing thyroid. Keep trying. We are here and listening.

Blessings and peace

Panz

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Thank you for your kind thoughts.

Who am I? Let's see: Father left at age 7. Mother worked 60 hours a week to make ends meet, only to die at the age of 48 (I was 18 at the time.) At the age of 11 I joined the Big Brothers association, was molested for two years, but no one noticed that I cried everynight. He was a pillar of the community. I ignored what had been done to me because I thought that I was complicit, you know how 11 year-old boys can be complicit!

Slid through college in 7 years receiving a BA in English in '88. Moved to Japan in 1990 where I taught English as a second language. As soon as I arrived in Japan on my own, it became obvious to me that I had problems and maybe what had happened at 11 had been controlling my thought processes ever since.

Knowing that I was to lead an unhappy life, I broke up with my GF of six years because I did not want her to have an unhappy life as well. She leaves Japan in '91 and I realize my mistake a month later. Contact her but she wants to move on(she was still very angry at me.) I quit my job and immediately flew home to talk to her but it was too late. She was engaged a month later.

Went to Bacelona to teach, but was unhappy with the school, so I left. Spent the next year crossing Africa from West to East overland. The wonderful people in Africa seemed so much happier than me.

Came back in '94. Worked as a waiter and became a major clubber for a couple of years.

Then I realized that I was on my way to suicide. Told my brother about the suicidal feelings and the molestation. I did not really leave my brother's basement for two years during which I was in major therapy.

In 2000, I was part of the first Male Survivor group in my city.

Went to work for my brother as a recruiter in IT.

From 2000 to 2005 I let all my friends fade out of my life. Apparently, it helps to leave ones apartment to socialize.

In 2005, unbelievably, my old GF calls to tell me that she has not stopped loving me and realizes that she married on the rebound. I tell her that I will catch her if she leaves her husband which she does. Then the magnitude of her Lupus & Strokes became apparent to me.

She can not take care of herself so I can't just disappear.

Here I am.

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Here I am.

At least you don't have to wonder what you have to be depressed about. Some of the things you've

mentioned are better helped through therapy than medications, and to an extent you need to be able

to tell yourself that's it's OK to feel bad when life just isn't going well. (i.e., don't try to measure your wellness/happiness by all the folks putting up a front on a solid foundation of denial)

That said, there are still a number of medications and combinations that you haven't run through yet.

Many of the choices there will depend on the symptoms that go along with the biochemical depression,

and some will depend on the acceptable risks and side-effects... but there are some very useful

medications that just aren't going to be prescribed out-patient to someone actively suicidal.

(Usually the MAOIs and tricyclics fall into this category) Others can pull you out of crisis, but knock you

on your ass in the process (the major tranquilizers, but every psych med will put some percentage of the

population to sleep)

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You have a rough past. I am a childhood survivor too and understand.

Just in the rare off chance that you haven't been to the Lupus foundation site Lupus foundation

it may be of some help.

You need to be talking to your doctor about how serious your depression is and may consider that you have post traumatic stress disorder too. If you are not in therapy now, you really should be. Please take care of yourself if you love your GF ok? and you need to love yourself as well, so YOU need to get the support and help that you need, you don't need to suffer and want to end your life. You need to get help to live it again.

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as others have said, if you look at the jar half empty (as depression makes you do), it seems that everything has sucked, and that you are in the middle of hell. what you don't realize in depression is that there are things, things in your past and current life, and things to look forward to, which are good and you can be happy about. situationally, it is about perspective, and you can gain some of that through therapy and of course, through the boost of meds and some inner reflection.

and has been suggested, there are tons of meds and therapies you haven't tried. lamictal is a major one- it is probably the most important medication i take. it doesn't look like you've taken any atypical antipsychotics. i take risperdal. they can be useful in depression too. what about ect? it sounds scary, but the statistics are good and studies show that memory loss is almost always reduced to just the few weeks surrounding your therapy, and not including your entire life (not that some parts of your life you wouldn't like to just forget). there are still so many things you haven't tried- the biggest of all being the perspective shift, which is hard as hell and perhaps close to impossible in depression.

you're doing a great thing by taking care of your gf. i took care of my grandmother who had alzheimer's for several years, and after my dad died i took care of my younger siblings as well. it seems like i'm always the caregiver. i know how it feels to be so needed and depended upon. my mom has lupus too, and i know that one day she'll need me to take care of her, probably as her parents are needing her to take care of them, which means i get to take care of everybody ;)

talk to your pdoc right away about how you feel. s/he will give you more treatment options, like maybe an MAOI. that could be your ticket. they're very strong.

i really wish you well.

loon

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Thank you for your replies. I came into work and read them and feel much better for some reason.

I don't know what has happen these last few weeks, but I have been spiraling.

Spoke with Pdoc last night. He suggested either Seroquel or Lamictal. We decided on trying Seroquel.

Regarding therapy I have had eight years of intensive therapy, but have been on my own these last two years. Perhaps I should consider going back.

By the bye, is there anything in particular that I should know about Seroquel?

Thinking "half-full," "half-full!"

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I've taken seroquel for several years and sometimes it makes me fell kind of hung over, but thats a rare thing.

Seroquel linky goodness

I'm glad that you talked with your Doctor and are feeling a bit better, it's hard what you've been through and are going through. Just having another person out side the situation to talk with can help you see out of the dark hole of depression.

Keep thinking half full and we all are here and understand what you've been through

Wishing you goodness

Best

Panz

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Seroquel can be very sedating at lower doses, but that goes away as you get higher on it. That's peoples' main complaint. Like all antipsychotics, there's a risk of tardive dyskinesia (uncontrollable movements usually of the face) but I know very few people who've gotten it. If it does happen, call your pdoc immediately. (And he should be telling you all this stuff anyway.)

It works much faster than lamictal because you have to titrate up slowly on lamictal.

Personally, I love seroquel. It lets me be non-anxious most of the time, and ensures that I sleep well. The only drawback I've had is that I have to take it a ways before I go to sleep to wake up well in the morning, and then I'm super-drowsy for an hour or so before bed.

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