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Not really sure if any of this will make sense but I just need to get it out, ya' know how it is at times.

Just found out that my o/h has been cheating on me, which HURTS LIKE HELL, I am livid

part of me feels like saying '2 can play that game' BUT no I wont sink to that level as sex is sex, and I am worth more than that shit, well if I keep saying it enough my head might listen to my heart.

I have no plans for the festive time which is fine as I am Jewish, day after xmas is hard as in 2002 I was beat black and blue by the animal I was going out with at the time, resulting in Overdoses in both 2003 and 2004 and a crazy cutting and burning spree, last year I wantedto hide away but couldn't as was away from home at the family of my then partners, this year was going to be different, y'know,........... heyho..........

I have benzo's so planning to get mashed on them, but then again I am doing that most days at the moment so probably need to lay off them a bit.

Mood is threatening to dip as I am getting worked up and stressed.

Dreading new years eve due to shit that happened new years eve 99/2000, gonna try cope with it as best as I can.

January will be hard as the 3rd is also when I got beat by the same ex who did it in 2002, 10th Jan is 6 years since some other crap, and the 16th will be 10 years since my Grandma abandoned me and became a angel in heaven.

I just want to scream, be held and to cry and be reasured that things will be ok, and for them to actually be ok, but they wont be so I would be lied to if someone said they will be.

Trying my best to stay 'stable' in teh 'middleground' but can see that if I don't get things under control them going back on teh rollercoaster and that throught is petrafying.

Fuck it I will shut up




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I'm so sorry to hear of all you have been through. I know what it is like to be hit by a man and I know what it is like to be cheated on (with a transvestite nonetheless). Try and keep busy on those anniversary dates. I know, easier said than done. You can try and feel relieve on those days, knowing they are over forever.

I don't know what else to say but I wish you the very best.

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GAH! .......................... can feel myself slowly falling ........ HELP! before I totally loose it..........................................

or is this all not actually going on?

Please someone reasure me that the depression isn't trrying to take over again..........

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All that you said all made sense and I can relate to some of it- you are definitely worth more than what you were dealt, so keep telling yourself that. Someone made you angry and hurt and you don't deserve it.

I can't say that things are just going to be ok and leave it at that but I can say that I am reading what I am writing and if you need to get it out, than just get it out. People are here reading and 'listening' and caring. You don't have to say sorry for needing the support here or needing to write and say “look this shit is going on and I'm hurting”. This place is for support and this is the time to use it. Please don't shut up if you have something to say.

Try to get some decent sleep on a steady schedule- emotional stress can burn you out really fast and it can only hurt you right now.What you said about the benzos- If you thin your mood is heading down, they could encourage that, so be careful.

Is there anything you can do to keep stuff low key for New Year's? Someone you can spend time with that isn't big on going out? Or maybe some other distraction. I don't know if that would help or not but it might be a start.

Please take care of yourself.


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New Years can be just as rough as any of the other holidays.

there were many new years parties where my ex-h and i fought. and then an ex-bf who did not understand we needed to be at the party before midnight. ;)

last new years i went to bed at 10 pm and fell asleep.

this year im preggers - and being around all the alcohol would be too much for me...even though physically i just CANT drink.

I hope much peace for you. and that new years can be quiet for you.



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I know this is a very rough time of year for a lot of people. And you seem to have some things that have happened in your past that make this a really rough time for you too.

Go back and read what Luna ( is that right? N? ;) ) wrote. There are some things you can do in a proactive way that will make this time easier for you. Why don't you start by writing them down?

Do you have friends that are easier to be with than others? Could you confide in one of them that this is a rough time and maybe get some support? CB is really great for support. And there is nothing wrong with being here for that purpose. But having a live person to depend on helps a great deal too.

It concerns me that you seem to be so into benzos as a coping strategy. Yes, they are a temporary fix. But a plan that gets you into other things this time of year, is a really good way to deal with the stress and also do it without benzos.

Good luck and try and take one day at a time. You are not alone, and you can get through this unscathed if you plan it right.


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I understand--oh, do I understnad--as the lovely "day" gets closer, I get deeper into the pit we call depression, today was virtually worthless, can't do anything but cry and feel like I am a failure and keep saying "I can't do this". Not sure exactly what I can't do--except I can't do anything, I don't think, and I sure can't cope with things right now.

I want to hide, disappear, just check out right now. I will probably go to bed in a fewminutes, leaving by dear sweet husband, who has been wonderful thru all this to fend for himself for dinner. But I just cannot cope right now. I, too, am eating benzo's like candy, which scaares me cause I will run out and can't get them rfilled till 30 days is up, per the ins. co.

Its time to go cry again--just no hope, no reason for any of this, just pain and deeper depression. There is vodka--maybe a bloody mary with the benzo--anything, literally, to take away the pain.

china the loser,and the total wretch --

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Things are a little brighter today thankfully.

p.nurse came out and made a list of some positive things I have achieved this year.......... which I wouldn't fully acknowledge.......

said I can text if I need to over the holidays ........... jeez cheers D you don't acknowldge my messages when you are working so I don't hold out much hope you will voer the holidays.......

hands are sore with pain today, and keep locking so taking the yummy dhydracodene ;)

sleepy as had a rough night of nightmares again

but heho I will live

gotta go into town tomoro to meet a friend for a drink :S don't want to go, need a excuse but at same time don't want to let him down....

got music on loud again today.

altho the post man was nice when he came with nice goodies to keep me sane!!


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