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Noob, barely coping

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Hi, I'm new to these forums. My doc diagnosed me with bipolar with some psychotic episodes about a year ago. Things have been pretty rough lately. About the only thing that has kept me going is my son. I cut myself daily, I have a lot of scars from burning on my upper arms. Sometimes I feel like randomly beating people. Nice guy, huh? My wife knows about some of this, the burning, but not a whole lot. My depression has been overwhelming lately. So yah, life sucks right now. I am on 200mg of Lamictal, 75mg of Seroquel before bedtime and another 12.5 in the morning. I am also taking Clenbuterol, a substance that acts as a metabolic enhancer and is on the US anti-doping banned list. My wife and I aren't getting along too great either. Truth be known, I am starting to get tired of her. Pretty much the only reason for staying is my son. We are more room mates then anything else. I am an ex-pro bicycle racer. That is a lot of what started me down the path of despair. I signed a pro contract in 2003/2004 only to have the team fall apart due to doping scandals in Europe. Ironic that I am now taking drugs. So, thats a little about me. Sorry to bore you all. I feel like I can't talk to anyone, and the facade I put up for public display is crumbling. About my only outlets are cycling, weights, and writing poetry.

racer x

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Hey Racer.Welcome to the rat race. Lots of ears to listen and shoulders to lean. Brutal honesty is a must. Sorry to hear that things are shitty right now. You aren't boring at all. I can't even ride a bike!! Hang in there and keep plugged into your outlets (haha bad joke, sorry) Seriously, this time of year is a roller coaster for alot of us, but like all rides it eventually ends. Do you have a tdoc that you can talk to? Hold on and don't lose hope. There is always a chance that tomorrow will be just the tiniest bit better.

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Your cocktail need tweaking...that is pretty obvious. Until you remove the factor of the other stuff, you will never get it right.

And not telling your tdoc everything....you are just robbing yourself and wasting your time. Fess up, clean up and then get to work on getting stable & healthy.

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i have the same main dx as you, and i understand that feeling of depression you have. life just looks terrible. it isn't possible to really enjoy anything, because your perspective is tainted by your depression.

and in your case, you do have a valuable resource, your tdoc, and you're not using it. you're also abusing a banned substance, which is banned for a reason. your team couldn't continue due to doping scandles. now you're not a pro but you're abusing this drug? that is just as silly as if i, a recreational mid-distance runner, would decide to dope, like to get extra red blood cells and more oxygen or whatever. really silly, especially when your only competition is yourself.

of course you can't find happiness in your marriage, because you're not happy with yourself. being happy with yourself takes many different things- the main 4 being meds, a tdoc, good family/support relationships, and outlets. you have all of those, but somehow aren't bringing them together.

fine tune this by putting down the razor, quitting the drugs, opening up to your tdoc, and discussing new med options with your pdoc. iti s obvious that either your meds aren't working, or they're being screwed with by this other substance.

this is your life. we can all choose to live at our highest possible functioning level or not. you have the choice to make your best effort, with all of your resources, to live the best possible life for you. you have much more of a choice in your stability than you think you do, because in your case, a lot of it seems to come down to behavior and not the MI itself. the MI will become manageable when the behavior is regulated. the more you use your resources, the easier it will be to utilize them even more. trust me.


edited to add- staying around a marriage for your son isn't the best thing, because he'll grow up learning about dysfunctional relationships and go on to have his own dysfunctional relationships. however, staying in your marriage because you KNOW you can work together to improve it when you improve yourself is a reason. stick it out because you're sticking it out for yourself. be a role model for yourself and your son by rising above the behavior patterns that are getting you bogged down into a deeper depression. you have a choice to function at a higher capacity.

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As for the marriage (thanks for bringing that up Loon), don't make any decisions about divorce, etc... right now. By your own admission you are not stable. The odds of you making the best choice for you and your kid are slim and none right now.

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Thanks for the good comments and advice. I will try to stop using the clen. It is definitely not addictive, just something I do. I am definitely not proud of it. I agree I need to be more honest with my doc. I know this sounds stupid but I just sometimes don't feel right telling him everything. I know, he has prolly heard worse, lots worse. But sometimes I feel like such a freak. I really want to try to bring things back to the level they were at with my wife when we were first together, but part of me is lazy and just says screw it when it comes time to put out the effort. Also, that other part of me that is selfish keeps saying that I could really just let myself spin out of control if she wasn't around. Sounds bad, huh?

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So yah, life sucks right now. I am on 200mg of Lamictal, 75mg of Seroquel before bedtime and another 12.5 in the morning. I am also taking Clenbuterol, a substance that acts as a metabolic enhancer and is on the US anti-doping banned list.

I had to look that one up - I was thinking "steroid", when actually it's basically for horses with asthma.

Quick run-down on psych meds: the hypothalamus, pituitary gland, and adrenal glands together are in charge of a huge number

of biologic feedback mechanisms (buzzword: "HPA axis"). When it's screwed with, to a point it can manipulate the rest of the

body -- including the brain -- to compensate. When it's fucked... well, there's a damned good reason that "depression" is one

of the top symptoms of endocrine dysfunction.

Clenbuterol is a beta-adrenergic agonist - it monkeys with some of the same receptors/systems the adrenal hormones

(duh, no wonder it's used to put more beef on da bones) and the neurotransmitter noradrenaline work on. Aside from being

THE transmitter for making a person anxious, agitated, irritable, cranky, panicky (or the lack of it: sexually disinterested, bored,

listless, lethargic, foggy-headed, depressed ...) it also works with the neurotransmitter dopamine - THE transmitter blamed

for addictions, and psychotic breaks (in deficit: sugar cravings, anhedonia, depression, apathy, etc.).

In other words there ARE worse things for someone with bipolar or depression with psychosis to take, but usually they are

illegal and rabidly prosecuted (or handed out to kids who act up too much in the classroom ;) )

Oh and another reason (or two) to stick with the marriage and see if it will work: you don't need more instability in your life and

you may just feel differently once your body learns to deal w/o clen and your meds get you to somewhere approaching

vaguely stable. 'sides, if you both are going to need therapy ANYway, why not stay together and try to negotiate a bulk

discount ?

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Bulk discount? LOL

Great idea Null!

See Racer, not only do we want you to feel better, we are trying to save you money as well. Aint we a helpful bunch? ;)

(Seriously thought, we know things are rough for you right now. We wish you the best...and you have resources available. Don't feel bad or weird for taking advantage of them.)

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If you got thru the last few days, then you are a winner in our book. This is Nationa" Even sane people go completlely batshit" month, and the whole holiday crap is a trigger for lots of us--

How you doing now?? Keep posting--were here, we've all been in just as much shit as you feel like you're in, maybe worse, and we care--

You can't run us off, or shock us, or disgust us--we just want you to stay around and talk thru shit with us. Sometimes, in our saner moments, many of us are even helpful.

china who cycles faster than you do, I'll bet-even without preformance-enhancing shit.

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Yah, China, I bet you do. The bike hasn't seen a lot of time lately, but I have managed to get out the last few days for a couple of hours at a time. Pretty nice actually, a little off-road and a little road. The holidays were hectic, running from one place to another dragging a grumpy sick 17 month old with us. Manaqged to stay somewhat sane, only cut a few times. I have had some time to think. I am DEFINITELY talking to my doc when I see him next week about changing things up. I am going to try to cope with things in my personal life until maybe I can get my head on straight. I also have decided to clean up and race again with maybe a goal of taking the state championship in the semi-pro single speed mountain bike divisoin. Who knows, I guess we will see. I think my wife may have figured something out tonight. We were watching "Superman Returns" (great movie so far) and she was rubbing my upper arm where my scabs are from cutting myself. I know she prolly knew what they are since she is a licensed counselor. I looked over and she was frowning pretty hard. She knows about the burning, so she will probably ask me what I have been doing to myself now. Anyway, thanks again for the support and I hope everyone else is doing well.

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Here's one:

My sadness

a splinter under my skin

festering, bursting forth

the last sliver of humanity

emptied of life

a haze of emotionless gray.

Senses dulled

meaningless feelings

a grain of sand in an arid desert.

Tears coursing from bloodshot eyes

glistening on my wasted skin.

Fearing the next day

I retreat to the depths of darkness, sleep.

Dreams of pain, loss, suffering

becoming reality.

This was one of the first ones I wrote.

So I went to my doc this afternoon. Opened up to him a little more. Decided maybe I should add a little Prozac to the mix. I guess we will see what happens. I have been 2 days without cutting, so that is good. Today was interesting though. I felt like I was going to jump out of my skin at work, I guess it is time to go wild for a while again.

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Guest Guest_Judy Doom_*

Biking is obviously helping you. You say you have been riding and haven't cut yourself in a couple days. Exercise is one of the great depression fighters. Keep at it.

And, again as many people said, don't make any rash moves regarding your marriage. You are clearly not at the top of your game right now and you need support from others.

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