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Diagnose my ex (the other one)

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So went to see a friend of mine last night. I dated him when he was 30 and I was 22. He had been working at a TGI Fridays for 4 years, having tried being a lawyer, then a teacher, then just giving up I suppose. I liked him because he seemed mature and stable and I was out of my gourd at that . in my life. He had all these plans to write a book, become a teacher, interview etc... so I thought it was only a matter of time before he bacame a real boy or at least lived up to his intellect. He had/has some really cool ideas about current events, politics, read mytime cover to cover every day... BUT is completely emotionally stunted. Has NO clue what feelings are or how to express them.

Well, 7 years later he is in the same exact place, talking about the same exact things, but now has worked as a server at Fridays for 11 years. Oh me oh my. He has panic and anxiety issues, I have NO CLUE why he isn't on meds, I tried to get him to go to a shrink when we dated for those few months, and I think he did once. But nothing substantial. Even being around this guy makes one anxious.

So I can't do a damn thing, but it reminded me that meds are good and keep people who were phi beta kappa from working severly under their potential for decades.

Auto-diagnose anyone?

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Hello Supergwen,

Your friend sounds somewhat like myself, minus the inability to express and empathize emotions.

I have always had grand ideas of writing or becoming a political commentator (before they became such jerks). Everyone tells me that I am not utilizing my talents. And they are right.

My problem has been marijuana. It kept me in a lethargic and unmotivated mood.

Is your friend a regular weed smoker?

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No self-medicating really, a few beers a few times a month, but nothing over 3.

He says he has anxiety over going on interviews. And yet he has no problem communicating about buffalo wings to strangers. Maybe because he doesn't have to talk about himself? His family just DOES NOT do that! I swear it is politics or sports or nothing. SO WASP!

I really would like to help this guy, but I believe he either really doesn't want to or is just too scared to. He said he feels like he is trapped at Fridays, like he is stuck. dude needs a kick in the ass in a huge way, as he is about to set records for serving at this restaurant. If not has already broken them. Maybe it is just a placed where he can pretty much control environment and is used to it.

At least he doesn't have to wear the flair, like I did when I worked there. That shit SUCKED. Makes me bitter everytime I walk into a Fridays and see people NOT looking like clowns. Fuckers.

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If he is afraid to switch jobs because he feels he can't do an interview.....

DING DING DING! Social phobia!

People with social phobia often hold jobs that are not right for them because they don't have the courage to go for what they want.

You also say being around him makes you anxious, probably because HE is anxious and shows it in some way? Social anxiety at work.

And maybe he is comfortable in his controlled environment...people with social phobia can be VERY sensitive to changes in their social environment.

He doesn't sound like a slacker, but someone who is very afraid of change and the social risks that come with it. It does sound like he could benefit from visiting a psychiatrist. But if he IS socially phobic and cannot recognize or express his feelings, this could be a very difficult first step to undertake.

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wondering SG if he would be ok with taking OTC herbs? Like St John's wort or?

yeah the pot smoking definitely keeps you stuck, 2utopian2 good call (just wondering what you are doing to get outta that rutt?)

sad to see folks stuck like this Gwen

nice of you to get feedback to try and help

but all in all it's his choice, right?

Seems alot of people like working in jobs they are overqualified for...but 11 years, yeah that's a little too stuck

just my opinion, based on r/l

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  • 2 weeks later...

There's only so much you can do to help him... so I hope you don't use too much of your internal resources on his issues. Referring him to a tdoc or pdoc (with a name and number handy to make it as easy for him as possible) is really the best thing you can do - assuming you know him well enough to be so foward.

How would a pseudo-diagnosis really help anyway? Would it make him more likely to go to a doc because someone thinks he's anxious, schizoid, depressed or hell, has asperger's even?

Regardless, it's sweet of you to try to help him.

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