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I hereby announce that I am a spoiled brat--


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After several truly horrid days, including the familiar BP realization that I have spent all our money on things I did NOT need, and could have waited to buy, and other equally frivilous things--leaving us with approx $20 till next Friday--I hereby announce:

I am tired of feeling sorry for myself, I am tired of acting like a spoiled brat, I am tired of using my diseases to excuse my generally horrid behavior the last month or so, and I will no longer put up with it from myself.

Now, I KNOW you are saying--"but you are truly Bipolar, you are up and down, cycling faster than a merry-go-round, and depression and hypomanic behavior is normal". Well, yes. But piling on depression after depression, because its the holidays and I don't have what I want (my kids, and money to do things for others) is something of my own doing. My behavior is making everyone else miserable, and its going to stop. I take my meds faithfully, and until this dreaded season, I was doing pretty much OK. Then along comes "ho ho time" and the perfect excuse to plunge my self into "poor pitiful me" and then treat that depression and pity by spending money like a sailor on leave--cause it makes me feel better that I had money to spend, even a little.

Now, here we are with things we were going to do, DH and I--but no money or gas to do them. And whose fault is that? Poor pitiful me, who whined and cried like a 10 year old who didn't get the right color bike from Santa (or whoever) . How sad, and self-centered, and downright mean to those who love me and are doing their best to make our holidays cheerful and great. Oh, mom's crying again--now we all feel bad--what can we do to cheer her up? So, as planned, everything centers on mom--just like I wanted it to be.

this is total BULLSHIT-and has nothing to do with being Bipolar, or ADD or any other disease I happen to have.

Lets see--I could be my daughter in law, expectring a baby any day, husband in Iraq, and older son spending his first holiday away from mama, with his bio-dad. I could be an elderly woman, with NO family, living in a state-supported assisted living/nursing home with no one but the staff to care for me. I could be a teenager who ran away from home and is scared to go back and is doing whatever to get by. I could be (and have been) an abused wife with little kids, and no where to go. I could be so clinically depressed that I just go to bed and let my little kids put up the tree alone (been there, done that) I could be a mom working for minimum wage, with no way to really have a C'mas for my kids. Or a homeless guy, who lives in the woods.

My point is that tho I have my own problems, and they are serious, I am a very lucky person, who has family who loves me dearly and I have a fridge full of food, and the rent paid, and heat/cool for the month, and cable TV and presents under the tree. I have a lifetime of the most wonderful C'mas memories on the planet--none really bad--all filled with laughing and silly things and people who love each other and enjoy to the max celebrating with others. I learned from parents who loved teach other and me and loved their friends what matters, and how to spread the love and joy they always felt, but especially this time of year. (Even tho my Dad loved his "Bah Humbug" button!!) And I am free to celebrate my own holiday in my own way, albeit inside so my neighbors, Dumb and Dumber wont think I am some kind of sorcerer who will turn them into toads (alas, someone obviously beat me to that one--)

So, basically, I am gonna shut the fuck up and be eternally greatful for what I have and have been given. If I am depressed, then I need to shut up and just keep going because it is unfair of me to throw that enormous wet blanket over three states and make everyone feel guilty and sad and worry about poor mom.

And I hereby vow that I will do whatever is in my power to be sure that, fiancially, this never happens again. And I have the power to do that, with some willpower and reminders to myself.

End of C'mas story--may your days be merry and bright, dear friends. May the new year bring us all a degree of wellness and stability and hope--and the strength to seek out these things.

Blessings to you all--

china

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Wow what a positive outlook! I am a selfish spoiled brat and I will never be happy with what I have. I mean that I am happy when I get something but then there is something else I want and I am unhappy until I get it and the cycle repeats itself over and over. Money means nothing to me. My poor husband just works his ass off to please me and I am so hard to please.

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i hear ya china- sometimes, there is no excuse for our behavior. sometimes, like "normal" people, we have to step up to the plate and change our ways.

if you feel like you need to do that, and you've written that you feel you do, then by all means throw yourself into it!

i whine because my SSDI is only $877/month and my rent is $525, so there isn't much room for anything. but i can pay my bills and eat. that is more than what many, many people can say. i have it much better than other disabled people too, people who either have to work while disabled and go through the hire/fire cycle like i was, or who are relying on the generosity of others, whether it be family or a shelter. life could be far worse for us all.

i like your way of putting it. the season is a time to celebrate how good we do have it, not how bad life has been treating us.

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Hindsite is better--as they day--I now know what was happening when I had so much trouble sleeping the last 4 or 5 nights, even with the new Ambien CR. I haven't had this much cycling in a while, and realize the hypomania was lasting much longer, as was the depression, than I am used to.

Usually I cycle so fast, I don't have a chance to spend money foolishly--by the time I'm in the car, I am depressed and crying hopelessly.

Ah, but this big ole cycle snuck up on me--and had these BIG swings to play on, not just the BIG slide! And there was Wal-Mart, and the computer, and stuff I really needed for the new job, and on and on--

THEN I had to go play on the BIG slide. Straight down. Meanwhile, feeling selfish, and whiney and wanting everyone to feel sorry for me.

Live and learn--I sent my little "statement" to my family as well, and got absolutely no reply except a hug from DH and a "thank you", and a terse, one sentence not-so-nice reply from my daughter. Otherwise, apparently I have made such a mess of things it can't be easily healed or cleaned up with one declaration that I am sorry and realiize what I have done has harmed everyone in some way.

Ah, well, that, too, is a lesson.

And to all a good night--

china

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And my adult children, in their usual warped way, have put a very positive spin on thing--

They are finally having a Christmas without parents!! They can do anything they want!! No grown-ups to make them go to bed, and all that rubbish! (they are 28 and 36 years old)

See why I love them???

Merry fucking ho ho as my dear hubby said to me this AM--afterwhich I reminded him that "fucking ho" was rather redundant--

china

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Otherwise, apparently I have made such a mess of things it can't be easily healed or cleaned up with one declaration that I am sorry

said with love, friendship and respect: knock that off or you'll start all over again.

i see the solstice brought you a new season. perhaps you should take a hint from teh Goddess and spend some time in quietness, in the season when Mother Earth sleeps, to counter the all the frenetic ups and downs and downs. i sense some renewal coming for you.

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