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Running through Oatmeal..


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Im posting here because I am trying to track my moods.

It started out as panic attacks yesterday.

Today Im in a full blown depression.

I am alone, overwhelmed with the amount of stuff I have to do in my life.

I want to get a job, or something so that my days arent so long and stretchy.

I feel like a lost case. But the meds wont let me cry. And I cant even type right.

Dammit.

Im running the gammit on feelings.

From feeling like I want to die, to feeling like I just dont care.

Why, oh why cant I take care of myself.

What kind of cruel joke is it to take a person, put them on this stinkin' planet and have them not be prepared to be able to live like a normal fucking human being.

Sick, I tell you.

Its a sick joke, and quite frankly Im tried of being the butt of it.

Im SOOO over it. And yet at the same time, my meds wont let me string two ideas together to just be done with it.

I cant stand the fucking contradictions. If its gonna be one thing, then fine. But this bullshit of having one feeling and then have a contradicting feeling sucks. Its like trying to run but your feet are stuck in oatmeal, or something.

I want out. I really do. But that damned survival instinct.

I dunno.

Im stuck here. Literally stuck here.

Sucks my ass.

Selene

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well, the way i see it, there's plenty of time to be dead later. the amount of time we have here is a blip, even though we are in so much pain it feels like an eternity. you've survived so far, so you've done a pretty good job of it. give yourself some credit. we are all gears in society and we shouldn't be ashamed to accept what our fellow man willingly gives us.

i know what you mean about the emotional contradictions. sometimes, it does seem meds just either make it worse or create new ones. but as everyone here will tell you, finding what works best for you is a process. better is still better.

see your pdoc soon and good luck,

7

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hi-

you mentioned not having a job and feeling unproductive. do you not have a job because you keep losing them? are you unproductive because of that, your meds, and your MI to begin with?

if so, if you haven't already, i'd encourage you to consider applying for SSDI. i kept getting canned because of my emotional symptoms of bipolar disorder and calling off all the time because i couldn't handle the stress, and i was in and out of the hospital. they gave me SSDI less than 2 months after i completed the paperwork that they mailed to me and less than 6 months after my initial application (i interviewed with them in person). sometimes it does happen quickly. i was expecting a battle that would last 2 years or something, and it went right through.

if you're considering applying for SSDI, bryan on the lawyers, guns, and money topic has some good suggestions posted. he seems to be the guru of SSDI. all i did was tell them my true human story and i got it like that.

while they seem to mess up all the time, i think that sometimes they have a heart.

loon

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Hi Loon,

I am currently recieving ssi payments from SSA. I am also working with Voc Rehab to get some training for a better paying job (as opposed to just min wage, which is hard to support ones self on).

In the past, I have not been able to hold down jobs because of symptoms of my bipolar. The last job I had was before I was even dx'd. So maybe I will have some luck with working? Sometimes I feel like I can do it, and other times I feel like I cant.

Still hate the contradictions.

Selene

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