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Have you ever had a breakthrough?


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Mentally nothing is amiss, but it's like I've had a moment of clarity. Usually my mind is so jumbled with thoughts that I can't think straight, but right now, it's like everything is clear to me. I have to type this quick before I lose it. I don't mean to be a pain in the butt or anything, but please bare with me.

My whole life, I've been afraid of rejection. I know this is normal, to be afraid of rejection, but my fear is enormous. I think this is due to the fact that I've always been small for my age, and have always looked younger than I actually am (due to some abnormal growth-hormone thing). I'm 26, and people tell me I look like I'm 15 or 16. When I was younger, like in my late teens, people thought I was 12 or 13. To me, I was humiliated by that, and I am always self-conscious of it. I think that even if I suddenly looked my age, I would still be self-conscious of my physical appearance, because it has become second nature to me. (I know, I know, I will appreciate it when I am older.)

Now I look at this fear of rejection and humiliation, and apply it to my everyday life. In social situations where I don't feel completely comfortable, I rarely speak. I don't want anyone picking me apart and finding a flaw. Again, I know that everyone feels this way sometimes, but this has gone beyond that, to the point that it has incapacitated me socially and occupationally.

I'm 26, and have never been out on a date, because of a fear of rejection. I have friends, but I rarely speak to them, because I isolate myself. I even fear that my friends will reject me. At my job at Walmart, I was seen as a quiet loner type, because I never talked to people. One girl said that it freaked her out, and that hurt my feelings. It also angered me, because that isn't me. Heck, I'm even afraid of being rejected by people on message boards, which I frequent because I'm lonely. You are the only people I feel I can share this with, because you're all so supportive and we share our illnesses in common.

So what do I do with all of this? I am tired, and once I get up in the morning only this post will remain. The breakthrough will be gone and I'll be back to my old routine of loneliness and fear.

I'd like to remind you that I'm schizoaffective, but I don't feel abnormal in any way, it seems. I am afraid that this is just a product of my illness, like a delusion.

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Ben, this is a tough question.

Assuming that you are receiving proper medical treatment for your disorder, perhaps you need to separate your fear of rejection from your disorder.

If you focus on this it might help you more in social situations, despite the schizoaffective disorder. Just because you are sick does NOT mean you arent entitled to friends and girlfriends.

Options may include additional/extra medication, therapy, and just taking a risk and talking to people a bit more. You may be surprised with positive responses.

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So what do I do with all of this? I am tired, and once I get up in the morning only this post will remain. The breakthrough will be gone and I'll be back to my old routine of loneliness and fear.

I'd like to remind you that I'm schizoaffective, but I don't feel abnormal in any way, it seems. I am afraid that this is just a product of my illness, like a delusion.

Well if your tired then it's probably then its probably not hypomania causing the *clarity* and maybe it really is clarity... whatever it is change will take time, I think if you jump in too quick and go out and rush up to people and say "himynamesBenandIjuststartedanewjobandI..." then you'll crash. Baby steps... next time a check out chick asks how you are... don't just say "OK"... say something, anything "I'm good, chillies are on special, I like chilli"...

Talk to your doc/s, if it's illness related maybe a med change would help, if its med related maybe a med change would help too (I can't remember what stabiliser your on or how long you've been on it, but they can cause this stuff) or therapy, though you've said before that thse boards depress you, so maybe therapy would do the same.

Since you have always been withdrawn, it may not be illness at all, but you also said its getting worse, so it may be a negative symptom of the sz side of SA or if its cyclic in a way that is congruent with your mood then it could be related to affective funk...

Whatever prompted your clarity, try to harness it... it sounds like one of the rare positive sides to MI

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I am receiving proper medical treatment for my disorder and taking my meds. I was in therapy, but last time I was there my therapist pretty much said I didn't need to be there. I think I was kinda wasting his time, because I'd go in there and would just BS with him, and not talk about anything significant. I never wanted to get into any of these issues at the time. I don't even know if I was aware of these issues until last night. What brought all of this on was my reading about Avoidant Personality Disorder. The things I read brought on these feelings and thoughts. I'm not trying to diagnose myself, but I really could relate to a lot of it.

Thanks for the responses...I really appreciate it. Maybe I can get back into therapy. I know one thing..I have to get off of this computer for a while. ;)

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  • 1 month later...

I was always puzzled why the fear of rejection was so powerful in many people-- not just those with MI. then it occurred to me that there very well could be an evlolutionary factor involved. When early humans were small "clans" living in very hostile environment if you were rejected by the group, you could well die trying to survive alone or be killed attempting to join another "clan". Makes sense that early humans that were genetically "wired" to avoid rejection and fit in would be the survivors and our current anxiety over it could be a remnant of that earlier trait that doesnt really apply in this world where one can survive pertty well on own. just a thought, but it helps me to fell less shame when I am being fearful of rejection and holding myself back.

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