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I'm losing it again!

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;)   So, I'm in this off and on pretty severe panic attack with no drugs for it. I'm handling them. Breathing and getting angry and depressed but not doing anything crazy. Of course, there are some real things going on that are stimulating this. My relationship is really falling apart. I've made some decisions on how to handle it and I'm scared to death to put them into action.

My finances just took a serious turn for the worse. My self esteem went...boom crash. Sh*t...pretty much sucks big dogs here. I'm taking my meds and not being bad girl but it isn't easy.

More later.


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No drugs for panic?  Oh no!  That's not good.

Does this happen often?  Do you have other meds?

OK... here's my 2cent cure (not that it always works).  Organize things first.  Take all the nasty un-opened bills and letters and put them in a nice, neat little pile to deal with later.  Then, eat something that you know is both yummy and very good for you.  A rediculously large salad with all the trimmings for example.  Next, get comfortable on the floor, the sofa, a chair or bed if you want.  Sit in complete quiet and relax yourself from head to toe one bit at a time with your eyes closed.  Breath steady.  Take all the time you need.

When you feel your muscles relax, take a deep breath and exhale quickly.  Imagine all the things that are making you anxious going out with that breath.  Do it over and over until you have completed the list of everything making you miserable. 

Now, and this is very important, keep your eyes closed and with each inhalation think of something positive even if it's only one word.  Here are some examples: courage, strength, comfort, esteem, gratitude.  Think of words to fill in the places of the bad thoughts you kicked out.

I learned this from the therapist that I see every week and it really helps in the bad times.  It doesn't cure anything, but it helps get you refocused.

Good luck and take care.


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Ok, so I'm so on a rollercoaster. You know how you are anticipating the ride at first? Could be good or bad anticipation. Well mine was good but a bit scared. Well then I started going up and down and even tho I was scared sometimes, I was happy. Really happy. I felt better than I had in a long time.

Well I was at this job. Working for my best friend. I hadn't worked in 9 years since I had a nervous breakdown and got diagnosed bp. I loved my job! It was great for my self esteem! Without any warning, my boyfriend and family said I had to put in my 2 wk notice or find a new babysitter (and that is a while other story for another post). Due to many factors, getting a new babysitter was going to take a lot time I didn't have even if I could do it. Even with disability, without my job, I was in trouble money wise. I've accumulated new bills. 

For 24 hours I plummeted down a slope on that news until a friend appeared out of the blue and offered to babysit. So, wow I was saved! It was still going to be a hassle but much better than giving up the job I loved and needed. I rode high on that news about 2 hours. Talked to my friend the boss and he said trouble was brewing and he'd let me know what was happening.

So, now I was scared again.  Next afternoon on my way to work, I find out the company is changing management. My best friend (the manager) was fired. (big scandal) The new manager is really crooked and reeks of drugs and prostitution. I wouldn't work for anyone else. He understood my illnesses and worked with me on schedules and limitations (which were few). So most of the staff quit, including me.

Maybe my friend will take me along with him if he's able when he moves on. Maybe he won't be able to. I know this sounds lame. But, this job was keeping me sane. I had a family. I live far away from every one. And, out of sight, out of mind. I don't have any family. My relationship is ...lol...that is a long story.

I'm depressed. Simply and no apologies. The ride has ended and it is over. I am sick to my stomach and sad. 6 great months. No one understands why I am so devastated. But, you would if you were me.


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