A Re-intro

[JaneD'oh]

Hello Crazyboarders,

Just taking a minute to re-intro myself because it's been I-don't-know how long since I last posted here. I thought I was doing good, signing up for this excellent support and discussion site and then...well...I...

forgot I'd joined.

I have ADD. Does this whole "forgetting I joined Crazyboards" thing surprise anybody here? I doubt it. Which is why, when I finally remembered that I'd joined I came runnin' on back. I lurked for a few weeks before posting this tonight and want to thank you all for the honesty and sharing in your posts, because it made my GAD settle down enough to feel comfortable with coming back and blurting out that I'd forgetten your existence without causing a panic spaz about whether you'd judge me . So, sorry I spaced you all out and thanks for being cool enough not to scare me into the hidey closet when I had to confess.

I hadn't ever really introduced myself very well in the first place, I think I posted maybe twice, so I look forward to hopefully doing better this try. Considering that there's more MI weirdness evolving between my ears these days, I think I might succeed in posting more than once a year. :-)

So, 'bout my brain...diagnosed ADD inattentive, GAD (skin picker extraordinaire), lifelong depressoid with wicked fierce SAD, Rx: 20mg Focalin XR + 10 mg regular release Focalin as a booster and 40 mg Prozac per day. Lately experiencing feelings of depersonalization/dissociation identity freakies, anxiety-flavored mild paranoia fixating on whether or not CPS is going to come after me, social avoidance, utter lack of will and motivation, and generally obsessing that I'm REALLY going lose my already escape-prone collection of marbles. I'm gonna talk with my Doc about the new stuff, it's just that my appt. isn't 'til March and I need need need to be able to at least talk with people who've been there.

Cootified and feelin' social,

JaneD'oh

[Guest Guest_SuperVepr_*]

How do, Jane? Hope everything is going your way today:) I hear you on the avoidance, lack of will and motivation thing. I fight that particular sumbitch everyday and he just keeps coming back. Are you on any meds besides Prozac for that depression? I tried Pro and it didn't do a damn thing for me but that isn't unusual:)

I am not too hip on the acronyms of the trade so I have to ask...what is CPS?

[JaneD'oh]

Hey Super,

Feeling fairly well put-together today, at least, better than the basket case I was earlier this week, thanks. How 'bout you? I'm not taking taking anything else but the prozac for the depression, but I do 30 min. bright light therapy with a lightbox in the a.m., which is basically the only thing getting me out of bed before noon in these dark months. I used to be on paxil for the anxiety but I was gaining serious weight. Went over to the prozac and I don't think it's killing the anxiety as well, but I have dropped 25 lbs. without much effort other than diet/exercise tweaks.

CPS means Child Protective Services. The agency who takes kids away from their parents. I'm married, with 2 boys. One has absence epilepsy (well controlled with Depakote) and I think they both have ADD as well...they'll be going to their first psych doc appt. in March. They were going through hell at school and being the impulsive (as well as pissed off and protective) mom I am I yanked 'em out mid-semester and now we homeschool. Their dad, my husband, likes to work. A lot. As in, "I hate being at home so I think I'll work" kind of stuff. He didn't like the idea much but also didn't seem to care enough (he and the boys can't stand each other) to fight me on it.

This has led to creepy feelings that the boys' teachers at school, who I never got along with, are going to spring the child-takers on me and if they DO happen to show up what they'd see here is pretty sad...very messy house, clutter everywhere, etc. I am NOT like the other oh-so-perfect soccer mommies and I think "they" would find a lot of fault with the way I do things, even if the boys are quite healthy, well fed, clothed, etc. It really should be cleaner around here and I just can't seem to get the mojo or whatever I need to DO it regardless of the stimulants helping me focus. I just feel frozen, like I can't move. I know how much I need and want to get things done, but I only manage 5 minutes or so of any task without floating over to the couch and spacing out for hours.

In the weeks since we've started homeschooling and the 'cps thing' started, usually I can recognize that it's just the voice of my inner critic telling me I have to get it together and get this place shaped up and imagining some terrifying and threatening consequences for my failing to do so, but lately, it's getting weirder. I keep having thoughts about the neighbor across the street, who is this cranky old lady who always complains about how we never mow the lawn well enough. A few days ago, when the kids and I were coming home from the store, she was sitting on her front porch. As soon as I pulled in the driveway, she picked up her phone and started dialing. I spent like a half hour freaking out thinking, "She's calling CPS on me." It got so bad that I almost wanted to go ask her if she'd done that. (I didn't, thank goodness.) And she's not the only person I've thought that about. Now it seems like I don't want anybody coming around here, as if they'll 'turn me in' for being a disorganized cluttery spineless no-willpower bad parent.

I also keep playing the 'what is it?' game. What's wrong with me? Is it just ADD? Do you ever dissociate with ADD? I've been doing that A LOT lately...feeling unreal, feeling far away, taking little vacations inside my head no matter how much real life important stuff needs to get done. Or what is it? Am I pre-schizophrenic? I do have family history of that. Or could I be bipolar/hypomanic? Could I be having a mixed episode? What what what? I know only the doc can tell me but I can't quit thinking about it because I can't seem to get on my feet and get to work.

And did I say I was feeling put together today? LOL. Actually today has been better than most days this week.

Thanks for letting me vent,

Jane

[Guest Guest_SuperVepr_*]

Well I am glad you are feeling better than "normal", it seems. Me? Well, I am getting along. I quit all my meds and am paying for it now. Just saw an good therapist and she is getting me hooked back up with my doc. I think we might go for the AD medicine with a good dose of limactil (can't spell the damn drug). I have gotten my first BP dx so maybe something is finally going to click.

Thanks for clarifiying the acronym. I guess here the equivilent is DSS. They are the one's that supposedly come grab the children when something is awry. I could see how you could feel frightened by the thought but I think it takes more than a grown-up yard and a messy house for them to release the hounds If that were so my wife and I would have lost all three of ours years ago!

I hope you continue to feel better and don't let the "intrusive, ie got nothing better to do than cause someone trouble" people get to you. I find that in the long run they are of little or no consequence anyway B)

Have the best day you can!

[JaneD'oh]

Thanks for the encouragement, Super. There is still part of me that reminds myself that my 'cps thing' is a little over the top and that what I might see as unacceptable failure on my part is probably a lot less than what government agencies are waiting to pounce on. It's nice to hear it from a mind other than my own--it makes the 'rational me' a little bit more confident inside my chaotic internal environment.

Jane

[peeej]

hi Jane,

welcome

*waves*

i have a headache

but i just wanted to pop in

say hi

and i like your username

and and and

i duno what else

just hi

pj

[Rabbit37]

Good lord, I hope CPS doesn't come running 'round for being a "disorganized cluttery spineless no-willpower bad parent", because if that's the case, I might as well sit and wait for them. My house is a wreck most of the time, and I question my parenting skills daily. "Soccer mom"? *snort* yeah, not in my lifetime. But, like you, my kids are healthy, well fed, clean and happy. I think that's what counts. I just wake up every day and put one foot in front of the other and try my best.

Have you talked to your pdoc about a possible med change? Maybe the spaciness and lack of energy is a s/e that can be remedied. I've been going through a lot during the past year or so, and I think we've finally hit the nail on the head.

Anyway, welcome, and I'm glad you remembered CB!

[JaneD'oh]

Hi presentjoy (headache better?) and Rabbit,

I'm sure going to ask the doc about med problems. I just have to wait 'til March for appt. time unless I decide it's bad enough to call the nurse, who will probably tell me I just have to wait 'til March. :-)

Anyway I just get all twisted up by it all and even just sitting down and posting about it here helps relieve some of the pressure. I'm glad to know I'm not the only disorganized no-willpower etc. out there. I think maybe that it just takes SO MUCH mental effort and self-control to keep a lid on all my symptoms and behaviors that perhaps I just don't have anything more to give to the external world. I dunno. Will give doc an earful, though.

The CPS thing...gah. It's just that I've heard so many horror stories. I think that my anxious mind searches for a "bone" to gnaw on and since I'm insecure about my parenting and social phobic, CPS is probably just the biggest baddest boogeyman my faulty wiring can conjure. I mean, I know it's not LIKELY. Which is why it bothers me a lot that I've been so fixated on it and that I'm starting to suspect others of wanting to hurt me by taking the kids away. That sounds paranoid, and I have a great-grandmother, grandmother, and dad (his came out after a head injury, tho) with schizophrenia. Anyhow, writing it out here helps me see that it's not exactly the most realistic thought and that I don't have to invest in it, so thanks for letting me spew.

JaneD'oh