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Well, I saw the pdoc today.  A two hour evaluation wasn't enough; I have to go back, but that's not what's eating at me.  He says he doesn't think I have Major Depressive Disorder, he thinks I'm bipolar, but that's not what's eating at me.  What's eating at me is that after discussing my psychiatric meds history, he doesn't think it's worth trying another antidepressant.  He wants to try a mood stabilizer, probably an antipsychotic, but he doesn't want to bother with an antidepressant.  It doesn't matter that I get so mind fucked I sometimes want to kill myself.  Oh no, no, that's not cause to try and relieve me of this hell. 

I don't know.  Why am I bothering to go through all this crap?  Why am I pouring my heart out to these apathetic creatures who don't seem to give a shit about me.  What does it mean when pdocs and tdocs leave you feeling discouraged and more cynical and hopeless than you were to begin with?!?  All I can think is, is it something about me that turns them off?  Is it something I'm saying or doing that makes them dislike me or think I'm just making this shit up?  Do I seem too together?  Am I trying too hard to put on a happy-me-fucking-care-free act?  If I am I'm not aware of it. 

They just all seem to want me to get out of their office as quickly as possible.  They act like I'm wasting their time, like I'm a burden. 

I really, really, really hate my life.  I hate being me.  I just...how am I supposed to feel like yeah, improvement is possible?  Told him Ive been doing pretty good lately.  So now I want to die.  Does that make sense?  I wish something made sense.  I don't feel like I can take much more of this.

Edited to say:  Oh, never mind.  I feel better now. 

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I bet it's the above and that the docs don't think your issue is solvable by a new drug but therapy.

But if you are presenting anything like your opening thread woman you're all over the spectrum of emotions.

Please no offense meant

but this seems classic up/down to me

None taken.  I got a good laugh out of your comments, actually, because my post does look like some kind of gravity-defying roller coaster  ;) I guess I am BP.  Probably had one of those "mixed episodes".  Pdoc wants to finish analyzing me before prescribing meds (we have yet to discuss my psychotic symptoms--mua ha ha ha ha), so at least I have a little time to research mood stabilizers.

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Ella,

Well, I saw the pdoc today.  A two hour evaluation wasn't enough; I have to go back

Two hours and going back to continue the interview? That doesn't sound like rushing you out of the office. I seems like this doc is trying to get as accurate a history and understanding of you as he can before prescribing meds. I know it's hard to take the long view when you're utterly miserable and sick of yourself, but it's better than being overmedicated on the wrong stuff.

And, besides, you're going back, right? If you still feel you come off too together, tell him, and tell him how you feel when you're alone. It's not easy and it's not natural. I was raised to "be on my best behavior" in front of any kind authority figure, which makes it really difficult to talk about the things that make me feel defective and weak.

Write down what you think you should have said but left out in today's appointment, so you can refer to it next time. When do you go back?

Greeny

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Ella,

Most Pdocs will prescribe a mood stabilizer or anti-psychotic if you are BP. There is a possibility an AD may be added later. But most BPs on just ADs = mania. So give it a shot. Since this isn't exact science, it may take some trial and error. We'll listen to you bitch as you go through it. I know my ride hasn't been a bowl of cherries. If fact, it sucks sometimes. I wish you well through all this. Let us know how it goes.

Sondra

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QUOTE(Ella @ Jun 28 2005, 08:35 PM)

Am I trying too hard to put on a happy-me-fucking-care-free act?  If I am I'm not aware of it.

*

Are you trying to give this impression?  That is, do you find yourself putting up this front for your pdoc?  If so, your pdoc may be getting misinformation about your mood and mental state.  The more accurate information you give, the better the dx, and therefore the rx, will be.

It's not easy and it's not natural. I was raised to "be on my best behavior" in front of any kind authority figure, which makes it really difficult to talk about the things that make me feel defective and weak.

I always try to give that happy-go-lucky impression because it's just what I do; it's my public persona.  I do feel like I have an obligation to try not to sound whiny or negative.  That's it exactly. And I'm just not all that articulate at the moment.  And when I'm nervous, which is 99% of the time when around people, 100% around doctors, I just can't think straight or recall details.  So then I get extremely frustrated and wind up feeling the way I did Tuesday. 

Next appt., I'm bringing notes. 

Two hours and going back to continue the interview? That doesn't sound like rushing you out of the office.
No, it doesn't, does it.  I'm still trying to figure out where my logic goes when I'm severely depressed. 

And I said what I did about "apathetic creatures" because both the tdoc and pdoc have been emotionally detached...I just can't handle Q&A sessions with a person like that!  I know, some professionals believe that detachment is necessary, but it puts me on edge.  I feel like I'm talking to a robot.  I rely more on body language than verbal language to gauge a person's feelings and intentions; I feel blind, or deaf, when I don't have those visual cues.  It makes me panicky. 

I know it's hard to take the long view when you're utterly miserable and sick of yourself, but it's better than being overmedicated on the wrong stuff.

Hear, hear!  That's one of my great worries, that I'll wind up with an incorrect dx and put on the wrong meds.

When do you go back?
Next Friday.

Most Pdocs will prescribe a mood stabilizer or anti-psychotic if you are BP. There is a possibility an AD may be added later. But most BPs on just ADs = mania. So give it a shot.

That is true, that an AD can always be added later.  I guess I was hoping he'd know of the perfect AD for me, so I could hurry up and feel better.  I get into these "fix me and fix me now, dammit!" moods.  Which, now that I think about it, might be mania related. 

I'm game for trying the mood stabilizer.  No matter the cause, my emotional state is definitely unstable.  Highly unstable.  If I am bipolar, I'm pretty much cycling faster than Lance Armstrong.

Thanks for the responses!

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