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I feel terrible


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Just terrible. I think I'll get over it quickly, but I dunno there's just been so many upheavals lately.

Just got dumped. Sort of. I'd only had 3 dates with this girl, and was trying to remain open-minded about whether it was going anywhere or not, but I was hoping it would. I really liked her. So she'd said last I saw her this weekend that she liked me, wanted to get to know me better, that it was a real nice kiss. Said she'd call me tonight. So she calls at 10:30 to tell me she's been thinking, she doesn't want to date, and take care of myself.

Take care of myself?!

I feel really low right now. Really alone, not because of this girl, but because of everything that's been happening, and all the very big decisions facing me. I've got good friends and I've been feeling pretty good, but I just don't feel right about the way I just got rejected. Nice of her to do it just late enough that I can't call anyone to deal. And I stayed in tonight rather than go to any of 3 different things I could've been doing, since she had said she'd be calling.

I feel like shit.

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Hey Jem... I just responded to your email, so I'll keep this short (I'm well under the influence of Ambien by now, so if I don't make any sense, that's why).

I'm sorry this happened. I know you were really digging her. Totally sucks. But don't be too hard on her. If she's anything like me, it was an incredibly difficult call for her to make. I'd rather be dumped than do the dumping. Last time I chickened out and ending up doing it by email. Felt kind of shitty for doing it that way, but I just couldn't bring myself to deal with it over the phone, even.

That's all I wanted to add. I gave you hugs and all that shit in the email I sent a few minutes ago. But here's one more:  *hug*

If you need someone to talk to, I'm still awake - just send me an email.

~Sunshine

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It might be worth adding that:

I recently terminated contact with my mother.

I recently decided not to return to graduate school, at least for architecture.

As a result of these two things I've learned some 30 year-old information about my father and how he left my mother alone right when her father died and I was born. He's been helping me financially and I'm looking for work, so I don't feel lie confronting him about this, but it's a REALLY BIG THING.

I'm looking into grad programs in psychology, but wondering how the hell I'm gonna pay for it.

I am applying at jobs where I can't possibly make enough to cover my living expenses.

This girl was probably right to dump me.

Fuck.

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Well, believe it or not, money isn't the top of every girl's "Mr. Perfect" list. And if it is, trust me, you will be glad she passed you by because you will never be able to please her, no matter how much money you make.

Find the girl who loves you just the way you are. Money isn't everything. I know a man who is worth millions (if not billions) and has virtually nothing (in terms of relationships/family/etc.). It's very sad.

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Well, believe it or not, money isn't the top of every girl's "Mr. Perfect" list. And if it is, trust me, you will be glad she passed you by because you will never be able to please her, no matter how much money you make.

Find the girl who loves you just the way you are. Money isn't everything. I know a man who is worth millions (if not billions) and has virtually nothing (in terms of relationships/family/etc.). It's very sad.

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Sorry that you are feeling bad. You were there for me when I was feeling too good so I wanted to offer a shoulder. I know what it feels like. Shit sucks but hey man, take some xanax and do some yoga and you'll feel so much better. I hope things pick up for you.

HUGS - Erika

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Hey there,

Sorry that bitch from hell made the biggest mistake of her life.  Obviously she's got a canoe up her tight ass and cherry jello for a brain.  She probably doesn't want to date, because she's renewing her previous sexual relationship with her pet goat, that skanky faced tramp. ;)

Sounds like you've got some huge issues going on in your life.  Sorry about the bad news about your dad, came at an unfortunate time.

One thing at a time.  You've made so many immense decisions, is it possible that you could focus on the most major ones, or do you feel comfortable attacking all at once?

I send you many hugs and a magical heron for you to stroke and alleviate some of your pain.

You two went on three dates.  That's not even enough time for said "dumping" to occur.  Besides:  See first paragraph.  You are a fabulous, intelligent, sensitive, introspective person who cares about other people.  She makes out with goats.

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Thanks guys (gals). More update:

As a continuing result of the above events, I have no confronted my father and subsequently we are no longer speaking. I've also lost my health insurance. So in terms of taking one thing at a time, there's this:

I have no family at all I can turn to. I have enough money maybe to last me through the summer, beyond which if I'm not working there's my retirement savings. I have no idea what job(s) make immediate sense, and of the ones on the table none will cover living in Boston, which unfortunately I do.

I'm becoming a ball of bad karma. This weekend was horrible, because I was crammed together with 3 couples camping in the mountains, and between them was increasingly feeling shitty about a large number of topics on which I could either not comment, was made to feel seriously judged, or at worse were passively aggressively directed at me in lieu of the couples dealing with their own issues with each other.

Some good has come of all of the above, but at the moment it's not on my mind. And I think I've hurt some people I care about because of all the stresses and not being able to think about what affect I'm having until its too late because I'm terrified.

Oh and no more health insurance. Did I mention that?

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I really feel the need to discuss the situation with my parents, but I don't want to do wrong by them, and I don't know if anyone can help. But if I don't work this stuff out I'm either going to keep causing disturbances for people in my life, which are seriously alarming me, and/or I'm not going to survive too long, simply because of zero financial and emotional support, which sort of spirals when your friends decide you're crazy and go about their lives without you.

BTW the girl who "dumped" me (I only say this because she'd gone from wanting to continue to not wanting to without any discussion in between; thank god it was only 3 dates) is obviously not a real concern. She was just the symbol of what's happening to me. And yeah, it never would've worked, plus I think she may actually be sleeping with goats. (No, she's not)

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Oh Jemini, I'm sorry about the shit you are going through right now.  Finances seem to be the worst problem when you are down and it's like a never ending circle.  I also can relate to going away with couples and being on my own, just went to Vermont a couple of weeks ago and while it was really nice, it really emphasized my loneliness.  I'm glad you have some savings as a little safety net, I live from month to month on disability and it is hard at best.  I have family but I think I just severed relationship with sister so probably means the rest of family will be pissed at me as well.  Oh and none of them get it with regards to MI, they think I don't try hard enough.  Sorry to ramble on about myself again, just want you to know you're not alone and that I hope things start getting better for you real soon.  Sulu

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I am horribly horribly horribly depressed. I've been turned down by every job I've applied for, am down to about 1/2 a friend, no family I can talk to, maybe 2 more months of $$ to live on, and I have no health insurance, but I'm still on meds, which (surprise) I cannot seem to completely taper off of without getting pretty agitated and manic.

yay! I'm fucked! What's next?...

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Jemini, I thought I'd throw my 2 cents in.  I don't like giving advice, because God knows I've fucked up my own life.  However, I am a parent, and I know that a parents love goes pretty deep, even if we are fucked up.  A parent and child may not agree on lots of things and may be very different people, but I don't think we can ever completely give up on each other.  I would hate to be judged on what I did 30 years ago, or even 5 years ago.  What your father did hurt you deeply I realize, but give him another chance.  Parents are humans too and make big mistakes.  It's rough that the kids have to suffer from those mistakes, but unfortunately that's the way it works.

Hang in there.  You've been such help to so many people here, and all that good Karma will come back to you.  Try not to get too discouraged about the job search.  Hunting for work sucks big time for everyone I think.  You WILL be okay.

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Guest amybeth

I am horribly horribly horribly depressed. I've been turned down by every job I've applied for, am down to about 1/2 a friend, no family I can talk to, maybe 2 more months of $$ to live on, and I have no health insurance, but I'm still on meds, which (surprise) I cannot seem to completely taper off of without getting pretty agitated and manic.

yay! I'm fucked! What's next?...

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Jemini bud,

Hows it goin?  I just got a hold of this thread.  And I'm thinkin of you bud.  Sorry to hear so much has been dumped on you at once.  Hey, not a good time to be trying to taper off yer meds huh?  Why don't you wait till things are more stable there.

Let us know how your doing would ya.  Oh, I'm with Cyndi too.  You should try talkin with your Dad again.  We all do things we wish we hadn't.  And we all reap what we sow.  Sounds like you could really use your parents in your life right now buddy.  I hope your doing better.  My thoughts are with you pal!

Amybeth

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Thanks Cyndy and amybeth. I'm glad some people are supporting me. I am doing what I can with my family, but the problem is not that something *bad* suddenly happened. What happened was I finally confronted them head-on about the 30+ years of bad that's been happening, and that's a *good* thing, although yes it is making things feel pretty unstable.

Another point -- all of this began with me tapering off my meds. And my parents are actually listening for the first time in my life. And they've both started telling me details I never knew about my childhood and the things they've repressed so long. All good. All making me feel very unstable, as if my identity has been pulled out from under me completely, to be replaced with a blank slate.

I may have a job though. We'll see. I think I'm also getting roped into a cult, but at this point, whatever. Nothing could be any crazier than my life up to this point.

Oh and I'm convinced I'm a messiah. My therapist, disturbingly, things I may be right.

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Money and job problems do come and go. As far as family, maybe you are better off without any contact with them. I know a couple of cutting edge researchers who say that they only way we can get ever begin to get better is to cut off all contact with our parents. Apparently there is an infantile part of our brain that is stimulated by contact with them, and causes regression, and relapses BIG TIME. After much experience seeing the way I am when I'm in contact, vs. the way I am without contact, I agree with this theory!

Hang in there. Life's pendulum does swing to the other side with time. Continue to post. We are a collective willing shoulder to lean on. Which is more than we can say about a lot of friends! Friends are very good at letting us down.

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Guest amybeth

Apparently there is an infantile part of our brain that is stimulated by contact with them, and causes regression, and relapses BIG TIME. After much experience seeing the way I am when I'm in contact, vs. the way I am without contact, I agree with this theory!

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Okay,  I totally get that.  I wish there were some way to cut off contact with my Dad.  But completely impossible.  It would kill him.  He loves my kids.  My kids love him.  And he's a good guy.  But Mellow.  I still totally get that.  Whoa...

Jemini,

I hope you get that job.  But dude.  Holding it is going to be your bigger problem.  With you thinking your the Messiah and all and the whole Cult thing might get in the way of being a normal productive part of society.  I don't know just my humble opinion.  You might be able to pull it off.  I'd say get back on yer meds. 

Keep us up on how its goin...

amybeth

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