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internalisation of abusers


Guest nestlingnotloggedin

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Guest nestlingnotloggedin

Hi. This is pretty much a Complex PTSD question. It could have gone in the DD forum, but I put it here...

I've got to the point in my therapy where we're looking at the internalisation of my father and the bullies, and the control it has over my life still, how destructive and controlling it is. And making steps to overcome it. I call it The Dictator. Which pretty much says what it is. It wants me where it has me, depressed, helpless, isolated, submissive, preferably dead.

Its so hard.

I am seeing how it pretty much permeates everything.

I don't know where to start.

I am starting to have some autonomy separate from it.

But I feel stuck, not sure how to .. manage this.

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so you mean more or less voices or compulsions? i see, in my opinion, the compulsions as being ptsd and the voices something else.

i don't understand your question, so i'm going to give the answer my best shot.

maybe that just got, as you said, internalized. now it is a part of who you are. it happens to many MI people, regardless of ptsd or not. when we're treated a certain way, it becomes our reaction to behave accordingly and even feel that compulsion.

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it's a long, annoying process :/

the way my therapist explained it is that you heard things so much, you have a program in your head to play certain "tapes" at certain times... like any time you make the smallest error you play the "how could you be so stupid" tape...

eventually, you have to rewrite those tapes and make them say something you can accept.

now when i screw up, i have the knee jerk "so stupid" followed immediately by "mistakes happen, let's look and see what we did and if it's that important" and if it's not important, i have even learned to just drop it, not think about how dumb i am at all ;)

good luck.

if it should be on the did board and you have people inside continually telling you mean things, they really need to be coming up in therapy themselves and explaining how this is helping you. they usually really do think it's helping the system in some way... they said it first so no one else can say it to hurt you, or their punishment is so much less than someone else would do.... in my system, once they realized we weren't going to be hurt, and the only hurt was from THEM, they worked on helping us instead.

hope that helps :)

abi

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just wanted to say you aren't alone. our resident captain bring-down is named Mignon. she seldom shuts up and can find fault with anything we do. a lot of antipsychotics drown her out. but then again they drown out most rational thoughts, too. best of luck and i think abifae has some good advice there.

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